[JustPeachy]

i just wish that i could give that to MY daughter and not have someone else give it to her and i think thats the hardest thing in all of this is i want to do this and i want to do that for her and i cant

Oh, believe me, I can completely relate to what you are saying. I relinquished my son, and I know for me (and him) that was the right decision. He has had a wonderful life and has been given so many things I could not provide, and not just material things, either. So often I've said "how I wish it was ME who could have provided him with those things." I mentioned this once to a friend and he told me "in fact, you DID provide him with those things by making the decision to place him with his adoptive parents." I don't know if that will help you at all to see it this way, but it did help me.

[quantum]

That's a really good way of seeing it JustPeachy!
Thanks

[Samonster]

i guess when you put it like that it makes sence. its just not fair, well not to me (but thats being selfish)

i have to overcome these "demons"
then i will knwo what is right

[calimomX3]

Hey how r u doing? I have been thinking about you. You are doing the right thing for you and Opal. Just be strong.

[calimomX3]

Hey Sam you on? How r u? How r u feeling? Is it getting cold back there? I know you are having a hard time right now, know that I am here for you, even tho I am far away. I dont know what you are going through cause I have never been through it but I can feel your pain and wish i could help.

[JustPeachy]

Originally Posted by Samonster

i guess when you put it like that it makes sence. its just not fair, well not to me (but thats being selfish)

i have to overcome these "demons"
then i will knwo what is right

It's not selfish to feel that it's not fair. I have often wished for different circumstances and felt that it wasn't fair, either. That is where some of my regret has been. Not in the decision to place, but in the circumstances that I was in at the time and the fact that those circumstances and what I wanted for my son didn't mesh.

[Samonster]

I havent been on for a few days for the reason was i needed not to think.. i spend my nights crying and my days shut off. the only time i truly say how iam feeling is here..feelings, emotions and vulnerability are all things i was taught to keep in side
"if you show them you are weak"
i know thats not all true but unfortunalty iam myself and set in my ways.
Allowing emotions to overcome logic, is very hard to do. you see ive been writing letters to my daughter now for almost five months and to be honest iam rather blunt in the letter, thats just who iam, i dont ask her for forgiveness, i ask her for understanding, and i cant get over the fact, that i know, when she meets me again she will not love me the same.
i stunded myself last night in the last letter ive written and it dawned on me, i wrote..

"In my belly you love me"

i cant begin to explain the feeling of weakness and pain i filled myself with reading it over and over, mind you not even saying it out loud for her to hear.
i wish she would remember every moment that we lie in bed, because i know i will.
it hurts to know she will not remember me and all that ive said to her, when shes older it wont matter..

i prayed to God the other night, the first time in years, i asked for strength and for him to listen, to be there when she is born, to hold my hand..ive never slept better, no that doesnt mean ive "regained" my faith i just found a piece that was lost in this "mess"

ha, i think what i really need is a hug, gosh i havent had one in years, i wish i was lying..

i just miss my mom

[kakuehl]

I'm so sorry your mom is not there for you through this. I know the feeling of needing that hug! I'm glad you had that good night's sleep. There's one thing I believe very strongly: God is with you. (Whether you have faith or not.) God loves you unconditionally. Unfortunately, unconditional love doesn't make everything in our world happen the way we want it to. You are in my thoughts and prayers this night. May you sleep well again.

[calimomX3]

Hi Sam, glad to read a post from you. I am sorry you are hurting, wish I was there to give you a hug and tell you it will be alright. Your daughter will always love you, you have given her life. Without you she would not be here. Hugs to you!

[taramayrn]

Please know I am thinking about you....

[Samonster]

i thank you all for knowing nothing about me but my story,

and to my understanding it has touched many of you. for a long time i was wondering to myself if this was a "big deal". what will other people think? will they accept the fact that im having a baby and giving her up for adoption or would it some how be played down into a sluur of words regarding " she never cared"
blah blah blah
and because of this action would it take away the fact that i did have a baby and brought a life into this world that i brought this upon myself.
what im tring to say is that i dont want anyones pitty for what i have done and what am doing i just want people to realize that iam in pain and that this wasnt easy, that this makes me no less of a mother at all.

what im worring about is when i need to grive the loss of my baby.. i dont think i will be able to handle people saying
"..welll you know...this was your choice...."
I KNOW! that this is my choice, ive known all along
this maddness train of thought will not stop it seems.. ugh,
i was reading somewhere that a mother after her child is gone will react as if they are gone, gone as in dead..
i need to be accepted when i start my griving Opal and i know out of all the people around me no one will understand.. its making it harder moving foward knowing that.
i understand, i know, but i can only lean on myself for so long
i have faith that things will get better, and that i will only become stronger from this, ive been a broken child for many of years and i hope this does not make me a broken mother..
ive set up nothing but the best of intentions for myself and i plan to keep all my goals, dreams, etc. i just have that feeling that loneliness will come back to eat me
as if that wasnt my biggest fear, ive gotten myslef into quite the pickle! ha,
taking this whole thing one day at a time seems to be working (for now) but i still worry about tomorrow in the back of my mind.

i just need to see her face then my life will make sence.

[kakuehl]

Please recognize, first of all, that many of us have stood where you stand. Our stories are all a little different of course, but in essence we (the bparents) all have relinquished a child (some of us more than one.) You are not alone. We can not physically be there with you, but we are here to support each other. It has been 36 years since I placed my firstborn, and we have been in reunion for three years, but the sorrow never goes away. I am mostly at peace and I have had a good, productive life, but giving birth to him and placing him for adoption has definitely changed my life in many ways. (And yes, it was my choice!)

Continue to live one day at a time as much as you can. Worrying is totally unproductive (slightly incorrect, I guess, it does produce stress.) Today is all we really have to live through. And remember, we are here.

[JustPeachy]

what im worring about is when i need to grive the loss of my baby.. i dont think i will be able to handle people saying
"..welll you know...this was your choice...."
I KNOW! that this is my choice, ive known all along

Oooh, this bugs me, too. Not everyone will be so insensitive, but some will and it's hard to swallow. But try not to worry about what other people think (yes, I know, it's easier said than done). They are not in your shoes and they cannot judge or really understand unless they have been through this. And even though it may be your choice to place your child, that doesn't mean you don't have the right to grieve! It is still a tremendous loss and the fact that a birthmom chooses to make this decision doesn't negate that loss. It makes me mad that some people would dismiss a birthmother's loss by saying something so trite as "well, you CHOSE not to keep your baby" as if that is supposed to make it easy or something! Sheesh!!

and i cant get over the fact, that i know, when she meets me again she will not love me the same.

I suppose anything can happen, but it is quite possible that your daughter will love you very much. You are a caring person who loves her daughter and I'm sure this will be reflected to her in your communications.

I hope you will find peace one day at a time. Try to set aside your worries for now and have some special time with Opal. Stay strong, for her and for you!!!

[calimomX3]

Wow Sam you are a very smart lady. You will go far in life. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Don't worry about the people who don't understand you. Follow your dreams and goals. Move away from "those" people if you need to. I have never had to be in your shoes, I can tell you that I have a cousin who is 18 now, who was adopted by my aunt and uncle cause they could not have children. Her b-family gave her up cause they already had a toddler and could not afford another child at that time. She has had a very wonderful life. I also have another aunt who had a baby many many years ago, when she was still in high school. Her and the boy both wanted to keep the baby, but their parents made them give her up. My aunt has reunited with the daughter she gave up for adoption, they look exactly a like and we have all kept in touch with her. She has also had a great life and actually her adoptive mom was told she could never have children, but found out she was pregnant right after they adopted Jennifer (my aunts bio daughter) Things all work out...Hugs!

[Samonster]

I know that every story eventually has a happy ending.

No one will know our pain but one another, thats why Im here, along with all of you!
I have been string this whole time and i hope that mentaly i stay this way, so true is the saying that we are not promised tomorrow and that worring gets you nowhere