[lilaustinsmommy]

Hey Everyone. I'm really hoping I can get some good advice and insight from this forum. My situation is that of a soap opera and I'm running out of time. I am 26 years old, married and have a 3 year old son. I got pregnant, planned, in November and found out my husband and I were expecting twins. This was a complete shock to us, but over time we got adjusted to the idea. Well, in retrospect I got adjusted to the idea. My husband just started having an affair with a co-worker. I found out about the affair in March, and my husband kept promising me it was over and he picked our family and he was done with her. We started counciling and I thought things were better. Well this of course was not true and we've got to the point where he left, without leaving, just not really coming home. I'm staying with my parents and he's staying at her place, unless it's his days to have our son, then he's at our old house. I am due to have the babies the 3rd week of July so I'm hoping to have 10 weeks yet of time to make the hardest decision I'll ever have to make in my life. Parent 3 children, 2 of which are twins by myself, with little to no income, depending on my husbands child support to pay my rent, and having the logistical problem of 1 person 3 children. My biggest fears are just not being able to do it, literally, I have 3 children that need me at the same moment and I'm only one person, I can't meet all their needs. Of course financially is a huge thing. I know that there are government programs to help, but it will be me, not anyone else, having to live in government housing, which where I live are slums, having to recertify every 6 months for all programs, go from government program to government program FOREVER. I'm worried about my mental status through all of this, Having to work 2 jobs just to scrape by stretched to my breaking point, tired all of the time and never even really spending time with them because of everything else I will have to do. My husband wants to keep the babies, of course he does. He wants everything. He wants to have his girlfriend, have his son on "his days" and get to come visit his twin girls when it's convenient for him...however the closer it gets to time the more open to adoption he is becoming. We are having a meeting with a counselor from a non-profit agency this weekend so I can get some info. The #1 thing I hear from your posts says to research all your options, where can I find all this info to research. I feel like most stuff comes from an agency, and I'm a bit weary of just taking it as it is. I really feel lost, I feel like deep down I know the best thing for EVERYONE, myself, my son and the girls would be to give them up, to a family that wants them and can take care of them, so I can take care of myself and my son. But I feel like my heart is breaking, and I don't know if I could ever hand them over. Am I being selfish in thinking of my son and myself ??? Will I ever be able to make a decision ??? This is the most horrible thing I've ever had to go through. Please help if you have any advice. Thank you.

[taramayrn]

Welcome. You are most certainly NOT selfish to think of your son and yourself. I say knowledge is power. Research adoption, open and closed, speak to those who have placed, those who were adopted, etc. Research the support you could get if you parented.
I wish you the best of luck.

Adoption.com is not a matching site and so it is against the rules here for anyone to contact you offering to adopt your babies, as it would also be against the rules for you to contact someone offering your babies for adoption. Please contact either myself or one of the other moderators if you recieve such requests.

[HappyTwinsMom]

Oh, my...I have no great advice, but I'll pray for you as you try to decide what you want to do. (((hugs)))

Our girls' birthmom chose adoption for them for pretty much the same reasons you've given. She had an infant at home (baby was 9 months old when twins were born) and no visible means of support. She has said to me that she just knew she couldn't parent three babies at one time and wanted the twins to have a stable home life.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Now's the time to ask yourself the hard questions. So here's one.

Your children were/are wanted by you. You purposefully conceived them. Post-placement in their adult years, you will have to answer to that WITHOUT smearing their biological father (just like it would be inappropraite to smear their biological father in the event of your likely divorce). Can you live with that on your own?

I'm not being a jerk. I'm asking the questions.

Furthermore, I encourage you to get out on the blogosphere and research birth parent grief and loss. My daughter was unplanned but very wanted. I can't imagine placing a planned child, even knowing it was better financially. (Remember that finances can change... even for supposedly financially stable adoptive parents. Ask around.) It would tear me to shreds.

I do not envy your journey right now and wish you all the best.

[JustPeachy]

Considering your children were wanted in a particular circumstance (i.e. with a faithful husband at your side, supporting you emotionally, financially, etc.) and those circumstances have changed dramatically, I can understand why you would wish to consider other options at this time.

It is not an easy decision to make, and placing is definitely not easy at all, by any stretch of the imagination, but in my case, I knew what I wanted for my child, made the best decision for me and him under the circumstances, and got good counseling. I was also very fortunate to have had a semi open situation that remained semi-open (fully open was not an option at the time I placed). It was hard, and there is definitely grief and loss involved, but as much as I don't think I could go through it again, I don't find that what I have had to deal with has been so traumatizing to the point where I couldn't move forward. My son and I both have had much better opportunities and growth because of my decision. A lot of good has come out of it, too. I have always felt I made the right choice and still feel that way.

It is definitely not selfish of you to think of you and your son, and knowing your limits and what kind of life you want for yourself, your son, and your girls. It is a lot to sort through, but try to get as much info as you can from all angles and see what is best for you and your children now. A lot of people believe things can change in a few years and that your difficulties may be temporary, but while that may be true, it could just as easily go the other way. There really is no way to predict the future, and that is what makes this decision so difficult. If I had kept my child, my situation would not have improved, and, in fact, did not improve for many years. I would have been stretched to my limits, more stressed than I could have ever imagined, and likely would have ended up resenting my child or taking it out on him.

I am sorry you are going through this right now and hope you will be able to make a decision that is best for you and your children, whatever that decision may be. Keep in mind, whatever you decide prior to birth may change after the birth of your children. You may feel very differently at that time, so allow yourself the time you need to make your decision again after you have your children.

[EZ2Luv]

Adoption is a permanat solution to a temporary situation. Finanaces change, babies grow up and a re less dependant. Please think about this with every fiber of your being. Also, I would be hard pressed to believe that any adoption would happen if your husband were to oppose it.
As an adoptee, even though I was raised in a very loving home with great aparents, I still can't get over the fact that my bmom gave me away. She was 27yrs old and just didn't want to parent and she chose to bypass her options to parent. How do you think that would make your girls feel? Are you able to live with the risk of you girls growing up feeling this way?

My feelings are mild as I am a well adjusted adult adoptee, but read some of what other adoptee go through and the permanant scars and heartbreak that the bmoms carry for years on end. This is something that a bmom never gets over.

EZ

[quantum]

Hiya,
I recently was speaking to a friend and told her of my birthmother status. She has twins that are in their 30's that she parented in the first years of their lives by herself. She had decided their father wasn't someone she wanted to be with. She also didn't know they were twins until they were born! (this was quite some years ago).
Anyway, it is possible to parent twins by yourself, not easy! but possible.
Another thing is a friend of mine who had two children found out she was happily pregnant and a week later her husband decided to move out so he could have an affair. She struggled with the option of abortion and decided to keep the baby. They tried to work it out, but are now splitting up. She's taking the kids, 7, 3 and a few weeks old.

I live in Sweden though and certainly now, there is a LOT of government help.

Do you live near family? Is there anyone who'd be willing to help with childcare or giving you a break? If you decided to parent that is.

Basically though, my advice is to look into your heart and follow that. You don't have any easy solutions at all, but you know your situation best and what you can manage and what you can live with. There is nothing wrong with doing that.
Please keep us informed!

[josh1788smom]

I feel for you. This is a terrible situation to deal with, even if you were not pregnant. Many of the advices written above my post make a lot of sense. I just wanted to add one thing I have noticed in MY situation.

My placed child is 19. I could not have imagined (and it was my parents' decision not mine, as I was 17 and that was how it worked in my state) how much more bitter I would become about this once I had other children. For a long time, it was about what I lost. Now that I have other children, I realize adults made a decision to permantently affect the dynamic of my children's family. My children have forever lost a sibling. He has forever lost the relationship with them you build growing up together - even if they do choose to establish a relationship when they are older. At times, this is crippling to me.

Your husband can NOT skate off from his responsibilities all fun and free with his little girlfriend and leave you with all the work and expense. On the bright side, you are with your parents, could that continue?? Then you have 3 on 3. In my state, income is not attributed to you, if you don't work and your children are under school age. Thereby making the calculation less in your husband's favor for child support.

Can you talk to a divorce attorney and find out what rights you have? Do you have any proof of your husband's infidelity? This can also count against him big-time in court.

Please take your time and sort everything out. It seems so unfair for you and your son to loose children you planned on bringing into your family because your husband has altered the family status.

Blessings and prayers go out to you!!!

[lilaustinsmommy]

I certainly appreciate all the prayers and all of the insight. My husband and I are having a meeting with the non-profit tomorrow morning so I have been spending most of the day coming up with questions to ask. I've been looking recently at the child support worksheets for my area, and it's pretty crazy how much less money they give you per child after 1. With just my son my husband would have to pay 479 monthly, but with all 3 it would only be 647 a month. Where I live that wouldn't even cover rent for a 3 bedroom apt. It's so amazing how 1 day I think I can have this all figured out and the next day I can think I was crazy the previous day. I just want to know if it ever works out. Are there people that just give up their kids, knowing it's the best, and it actaully is the best, for everyone. And everyone lives happily ever after ??? Or am I bound to have horrible feelings for years to come and as adults have birthchildren that hate me and have scars for their entire lives. (sigh) I need to get some rest for the long emotional day I know I'm bound to have tomorrow. Thanks again for your help and support.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

You sound alot like my best friend. Go back 5 years. She had been married for 7 years to a man she had been with for 10. She was 30 and had promised him that they could try for a baby at 30 (he had been the one so anxious to start a family). HE CHARTED HER OVULATION FOR TWO MONTHS and she became pregnant in December. By February, he too was sleeping with a coworker. The girlfriend's mother caught them and forced him to tell his wife. He left her in May.

It took MONTHS of counseling for her to work through her grief and anger. She swears that what kept her sane was her baby girl.

She had to file bancruptcy and get government help for the first couple of years, but then she started to get things back to "normal", met a great guy, and has been married for two years now.

Just think about how you would feel placing your girls only to find a good, caring man next year and know that you could have kept them with the additional help and partnership.

And don't go strictly by the child support sheets. You can negotiate sometimes with a good lawyer and get child support plus half of the daycare expense so you can both work plus medical coverage (although your kids would probably qualify for state coverage with your income).

Good Luck and I will say a prayer that what is best is what will be!

Kim

[Lynn226]

Have you hired an attorney? If you cannot afford one, then call free or low cost services such as Legal Aid. Also, start calling attorneys in the phone book. Many attorneys, even top firms, do a certain amount of pro bono work each year. If a firm turns you down, then ask them for a recommendation. Also, many firms provide a free initial consultation.

[EmmaLeigh2882]

Keeping you in my prayers.

[Lynn226]

I just wanted to clarify that I was suggesting that the OP hire a divorce attorney to fight for every dime of alimony and child support available. Also, there may be valuable assets that could be divided to provide for support during this difficult time. I was not suggesting that she hire an adoption attorney in order to go ahead with that.

[Isabo]

Lilaustinsmommy,

I am sorry to read about the difficult time you are having right now. Since you asked for our thoughts, then I will plunge right in with mine ....

I hope that you think long and hard about parenting your children before you explore adoption. Please look at who can be a resource to you in your life. How much help can you reasonably expect from your family, friends, church, etc. What community resources are available to help you?

In addition, I encourage you to wait to make a decision toward adoption until well after the babies are born. I also encourage you to NOT contact an agency or any potential adoptive parents until well after the babies are born. The reason that I am saying this is that there is NO TIME LINE that has to be followed and NO DEADLINE. You can make this decision at any time - you do NOT have to have an adoption plan in place when the babies are born. You have just suffered the breakup of your marriage. You are understandably distressed right now. Your soon to be ex-husband is walking away from his responsibilities, and if he can get you to give these babies (which were wanted by BOTH of you) up for adoption, then that makes him responsible for less child support and gives him less responsibility, while giving him more time to play with the girlfriend. Don't be swayed by him wanting to back out of responsibility - he hasn't bonded with the children yet, but you have. You and your children are way more important than his new life with his girlfriend.

Please give yourself all the time that you need to educate yourself and make a reasoned choice, which is not influenced by the stress of your impending divorce. Adoption is a permanent, life long, unchangeable decision. You will lose these children FOREVER. I know. I lost my only child to adoption when I was 17. It was the worst mistake of my life, and I will pay for it for the rest of my life. There are no second chances in adoption. Once you involve an adoption agency, then the pressure is on and the marketing campaign to influence you toward adoption has begun. People will tell you about open adoption, but there are no guarantees that the adoption will stay open for even one minute after you sign the relinquishment papers, so please don't base a decision to relinquish on the promise of openness. Please please please go slowly, take your time, have the babies, bond with them, see if you CAN make it (which involves getting a divorce attorney NOW). You and your children should not have to be separated because your husband is a faithless cheater. If, after you have taken all of the time that you need and you still want to explore adoption, then you can look into it. It doesn't matter if the babies are a bit older - there will be potential adoptive parents who will adopt them if it comes to that. And please understand that the babies will miss you and will suffer from being separated from you, no matter if you relinquish at birth or sometime thereafter. You are their mother, and they know your smell, the sound of your voice and your heartbeat. Therefore, there is no need to relinquish upon birth in order to avoid them bonding with you - they already have.

I wish you the best, and I pray that you make this decision VERY slowly and without influence from anyone who will profit from you deciding to make an adoption plan.

Hugs,