[refinnej]

I am 18, leaving for college in 3 days, and almost 9 weeks pregnant.

After being diagnosed with a "stomach virus" by 2 doctors since early August, producing a negative urine test, and finally being given a blood pregnancy test, I found out I was pregnant 1 week ago. It's certainly NOT a stomach virus haha. Since the beginning, I knew that abortion was not an option. My boyfriend of over a year is scared, I know, but I need his support. He felt strongly about me getting an abortion and so did his father, but I explained to him that I just can't. Now he really wants me to check into adoption, and so do I...I think. He was really coming around, and I appreciated it so much, yet this weekend he has not spoken to me because of a fight we got into. In the beginning when he was strongly pro-abortion, I spoke to a friend of his to try to really understand what he was thinking. I had not yet told him that I spoke to that friend, and now he's upset that I went behind his back. I somewhat understand but I feel it's trivial in the grand scheme of things right now. He was supposed to be moving to Philadelphia in a month to be with me, but now I honestly don't know what's going on. My parents have been very supportive, especially my mother. They say that they support me in whatever decision I make, yet they too are clearly pro-adoption. I've tried to explain that it's hard and I'm trying but then there's a part of me that thinks maybe I could parent. I keep thinking about all the expenses, though, and my parents remind me of that. I know I have some time to decide and I know I can get some counseling while at my first semester of school but I'm just so overwhelmed. Some days I think adoption could be right yet I find myself thinking of my unborn baby and the unconditional amount of love (among other things) I know can offer it.

Help

[mommytomykids]

YOU are the only that can make that final decision about what is best for your child and yourself.

This will be a hard road but don't get "talked into" something (any decision) that you have not completely considered and came to the choice yourself.

I pray your journey leads you to peace.

[kakuehl]

Please also know that this is not a matching site. If anyone solicits you on a forum or in a pm, please report it to the moderators.

That said, please know that you will find a lot of support here as you struggle with the decision to place or to raise your child.

[quantum]

There are a lot of consequences whatever decision you make.
It seems like you, personally, are interested in parenting. Explore ALL avenues within that. See what kind of aid you can get and so on. Talk seriously to your parents about what sort of help they can offer, can they babysit while you study? And so on.

The thing most people won't talk about as far as adoption as a solution is, are the effects on you. I never got to see my baby, but I still have thought about him every single day since he was born.

I guess my advice is to explore all your options completely before you make any final decisions. A lot of people reccommend taking your baby home for a couple of weeks, even if adoption is what you're leaning towards.

Another thing I've read here often is that adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Ask a lot of questions, there are a wide range of experiences here! It's a great place for support no matter what you decide.

Remember too, follow what is in your heart and you can't really go wrong.

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

As for the financial aspect, there is likely support available. You may qualify for enough financial aid to cover living expenses after the baby is born (though you'd have to get through this academic year on whatever aid you've already been offered), and there may be other sources of temporary aid available. Going to college as a single parent would not be easy, but it's not impossible. Also, you'd be entitled to child support whether or not your boyfriend chooses to be involved in the child's life, which may be part of why he is encouraging you not to parent.

[taramayrn]

Welcome! I hope you are able to find the support you need to make a decision that's right for you and your child.

[happygmom]

Hi refinnej,

How open have you been with your parents about your feelings about your baby and your concerns about adoption? If you think that you want to keep your child, I think that you should tell them and ask them for advice. They may be pro-adoption because they think that is what you want.

Have you check into parent resources at your university? Some universities are offering services to help single parents stay in school. Mary Cady Ford started a program at Vanderbilt University called "Finished Up" to help parents stay at Vandy.

Happy G'Ma

[eyejustam]

I just wanted to say that 18 is not too young to be a parent. I got married the day after I turned 18, had my first baby the day after I turned 19. Planned. I wanted a big family and I wanted to be young enough to enjoy my kids. It was hard. It was doable. If I could go back and do it over again I would still do it the same way. There are services available to help you, you just have to look for them and find them. Your school counselor should be able to give you lists of services and support. I am not a first mom. I am just a mom both bio and adoptive. Make a choice that you can live with because you will.

[refinnej]

Thank you sooo much for all of your support and encouragement! It means a lot. I definitely have a lot to think about, and I'm certainly going to look into counseling at school. I went to a clinic today for the second time and received more information about adoption and parenting as well as some maternity jeans and a shirt (they had soo much wonderful donated stuff!) since I'll probably be growing by the end of my semester

I almost positive that my parents would help me if I chose to parent, but they keep saying about how expensive it is to raise a child, especially health care, etc. So from those of you who have done it, what can you suggest? I take it it's possible, but how? Just any suggestions/commenting about single parenting would be appreciated

happygmom: Thanks for that advice! Besides communitiy colleges, etc. I didn't know that aid like that was available!

Thanks again to everyyyyone!

[happygmom]

Hi refinnej,

So happy to hear that you are hanging in there. My daughter is raising her 3 yo son alone (well, with some help from her Dad and me). She considered adoption for a while but decided to wait until after her son was born before she made a final decision. It was a huge change for her, especially in the beginning when her long-term boyfriend ditched her because she would not have an abortion. She is very, very happy now and an amazing mom. That said - there have been some really tough days for her and single parenting is not for the weak-hearted.

Our number one concern was health care for her son as her part-time job did not have health care, and she was still in college. Her dad and I entered into a kinship care agreement with her making it possible to have our grandson on my medical insurance. Also, in our state medical care is provided for all minors so that was a backup plan. Kinship care is mostly used in cases where relatives are providing primary care for a child whose parents are not able to do so. But in our case, it is more of a safety net, mentoring type of arrangement because our daughter is doing a fabulous job as a mom.

My daughter borrowed furniture and received most of what she needed for the first year as gifts. The only thing that she insisted on buying herself was a car seat. Both sides of the family went nuts with gifts as this was the first great-grandchild and there had not been a baby on either side for a while.

Just start asking around for resources. You won't believe how much people will help. Give my best to your parents. I was numb for a few weeks after my daughter told me about her pregnancy. Once I calmed down a little bit, I started to get really excited about being a grandma.

Happy G'Ma

[kakuehl]

[quote=refinnej]Thank you sooo much for all of your support and encouragement! It means a lot. I definitely have a lot to think about, and I'm certainly going to look into counseling at school. I went to a clinic today for the second time and received more information about adoption and parenting as well as some maternity jeans and a shirt (they had soo much wonderful donated stuff!) since I'll probably be growing by the end of my semester

I almost positive that my parents would help me if I chose to parent, but they keep saying about how expensive it is to raise a child, especially health care, etc. So from those of you who have done it, what can you suggest? I take it it's possible, but how? Just any suggestions/commenting about single parenting would be appreciated

happygmom: Thanks for that advice! Besides communitiy colleges, etc. I didn't know that aid like that was available!

Thanks again to everyyyyone![/quote]

Affordable health insurance is often available through the state, especially if your income is low. Salvation Army in my area provides car seats. Most children today have far more things than they need. No one will say that it is easy, but if you want to parent it is doable. Yes, children are expensive but they are also a gift. My advice is to keep researching.

[djvj]

hi, i'm a bmom in reunion with her 23 year old bchild.

i think you are getting some good advice here. my main advice to you is to make a parenting plan, and then investigate adoption options if you still feel unsure. the most important thing i can say to you is DO NOT MAKE A FINAL DECISION UNTIL AFTER YOU HAVE YOUR BABY!!!! This is very important as everything will change, more than you can imagine during your pregnancy. agencies very often discourage mothers from trying to parent, so if you decide to look into agencies, take what they say with a grain of salt. if you have questions, ask them here, you will get a variety of good answers and lots of food for thought.

i wish you every blessing in your pregnancy and am sure you will find the decision that is best for YOU and your child...

[minibus]

refinnej,

Look into your community resources. Ask at the college, ask at your local Planned Parenthood, even call your local DSHS/DHS and ask if they can refer you to resources. There is a lot out there to help if you ask for it. It won't make for an EASY life, by any means, but it might make for a liveable life.

Don't make a final decision until you are sure.

If your parents are willing to help, then take them up on the help, if you want to parent. They may just be cautioning you because they want you to see "reality", not think it's going to be an easy life (which it seems like you understand anyway).

Best of luck to you in your decision.

[cetalley]

I am a firstmom and also made that life long decision to place not one but two, twins. It is the most profound decision one will ever make. It has life long reprocussions. It sounds as if you are leaning to being a parent, as most have said before me...this is YOUR decision,no one elses..not even your boyfriend. One might have to ask your parents, since they are concerned for many things in your life,...if they had to make the decision today about placing you for adoption, because of finances, would they be able to do it? My guess is it would be a resounding NO. So do not let others including myself make this life-altering decision for you. There is nothig more important than giving birth and choosing to parent. It most definately is not easy, but has the best rewards. Give birth first, hold your baby and spend time with YOUR child, there is no time limit on deciding to relinquish. We can all find reasons to not have children, but when it happens we all find ways to do it. It has been to this day the MOST life altering decision I have ever made. In case you are wondering, I spent another 11 years with the father of my twins, but in the end, our relationship did not make it. I know a big part of the reason(s) it did not was because we placed our sons for adoption...no if,ands, or buts! I to this day grieve the loss of my sons', 8,202 days of wondering and still have not found them... I wish you much Peace and Serenity...enjoy your pregnancy, it will be over before you know it...If you have to ask anyone what they think....ask YOUR child after they are born...if the child could talk, what would the childs answer be? GODS Blessings are with you...

[mommytoEli]

i went to school with several young single parents who went on to be very successful people. in addition to all the community services already listed, don't forget about WIC which will help out with food for you while your pregnant and formula for the baby. also, many places have crisis centers that have baby clothing, diapers, and even furniture. many colleges also offer affordable daycare. if you go to church or any social group, you may also want to try to connect with someone who has a child that is outgrowing all of their baby items and is willing to pass them along to you.