[refinnej]

Thank you so much for all of your support!! After really thinking some more and being at college, there's a strong part of me that's thinking maybe I'm really not ready to parent. I mean adoption was my initial thought, followed by the want to parent, but now I think I've kind of come to the realization that I just don't know that I'm ready and I know I can find loving parents who are. That's not to say that I just don't feel like putting the work in to parenting or something; it's not that at all. I just don't know

cetalley--Wow! I can't believe you had to make this decision with twins..how amazing. I hope you're able to find them soon; good luck. Can you tell me a little more about what you went through, even if it's through PM? How did you know?

mommytoEli, minibus, djvj, kakuehl, happygmom and eveyrone else, THANK YOU SO MUCH. All the advice is wonderful, and I'm certainly learning a lot I never knew.

Thanks again for everything

[quantum]

Just remember to be at peace with your decision! You don't want to spend your life wondering 'what if, what if'
I was also a freshman in college.
I guess when I look back on it, I wish that I'd known about open adoption, and that I'd had help with dealing with emotions after placement.
:-)
Keep us informed! Keep asking questions. Keep taking care of yourself and your baby!

[taramayrn]

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be a parent at this point in time. As quantum says the most important thing is that you are at peace with your decision and that you've made the decision and not let others influence you.
Take care...

[happygmom]

It is so good to hear from you again and to know that you have worked hard on understanding the best path for you. I am sending all of my best wishes to you and encourage you to continue to get advice and guidance as you continue on your journey.

All my best,

Happy G'Ma

[Marimar]

It is hard to know how your life expectations and you will change once you have your baby..

When you look from now what you see is a void.. You have a future in front of you, you have probably had so many dreams and plans and baby may not fit in right now.. You may have so many fears and that is so understandable..

The fear of future and feeling "having no control " may also lead you to chose birth motherhood.

The thing is , I think sometimes fear breaks us in such a way that we can not be whole again..

And there is usually a strenght within us that we are not even aware of.
And once we find that strenght sometimes it can be too late.

What I am telling you is.. If you are afraid, some agancies may act on your hopes and fears.. May make you feel less.. May make you feel powerless. If you are not able to stood for yourself and your baby.. It can be stolen from you.. Even if you change your mind you may not find the strenght to continue to decide to parent.
That is what I am afraid of for all expectant mothers considering adoption.

So may be no matter what you will decide in the end.
It is best not to put your mind to adoption now..
And to research all your options real deeply..
I think many mothers will tell you that while pregnant they thought they are not ready to parent.. I think this is such a normal feeling.. I really wonder if your parents can be supportive if you decide to keep your baby..

Instead of " feeling guilty " and making adoption a remedy for your guilt ( ???) may be you can make a plan together for future if you decide to keep your baby..

I think your main feeling is fear may be you can write it down and share it with us ?
What do you think ?
Am I too of the track?

[DallasGirl]

If you need private confidential counseling you can get it from a counselor, or for free from an adoption agency,
they can help you decide if parenting is right for you or adoption. It is a hard call, and no one can tell you what to do. There are pieces of social service help here and there but you have to decide. Feel free to pm me at:
nicoleindallas1 if you want to talk.

[cynthia2340]

I got pregnant at 17 & before becoming pregnant me & my sons father had discussed what we would & wouldn't do if I accidentally became pregnant. He knew that I was completely against abortion, but he was scared when I actually got pregnant. He asked me to get an abortion & I said no, he asked me up until I was 4 months pregnant & at that point I told him if he chose not to be there fine he could go live his own life but if he chose to stay I didn't want to hear anymore about it. So I told him all through the pregnancy that the day his son was born he would thank me for keeping the baby. The day our son was born he cried his eyes out & said that he was so greatful I kept our child & that he wouldn't have wanted it any other way. It hasn't been easy & there was a couple times during pregnancy and soon after the birth I panicked & debated adoption, but I knew id never be able to do it. When our son was first born we were living off of $1,000 dollars a month & we stuggled for a couple of months. Today I am 21 years old my son is 3 and me & my sons father have been together for 5 years and we are currently living off of almost $5,000 a month. I am a stay at home mom and he works full time. Things do get easier if parenting is the road you choose. Mind you me and him didn't have any support from our parents finacially and minimal emotional support. We were also both brought up poor so we had been given a rough start but a happy ending. If I could make the same decisions over again I would my son is the light of my life.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by DallasGirl

If you need private confidential counseling you can get it from a counselor, or for free from an adoption agency,
they can help you decide if parenting is right for you or adoption.

Please do not go to an adoption agency for options counseling. They will give you adoption counseling and you need to explore your parenting option first.

[LJuptown]

Well I am not in better much shape then you but if you wanna talk maybe we can share some crys together?

Alana

[refinnej]

Thank you all for your continual support and guidance! Sorry, I've been really busy lately, and as my pregnancy winds down (this Wednesday will be the beginning of week 31!) I'm certainly feeling the pressure. I feel like I should know for sure right now, but I'm still not positive. I think I'm leaning towards parenting, and maybe I'm just too afraid to verbalize that right now; I don't know what it is. The thing is, I know I can do it. I know that just because I have a child doesn't mean I won't be able to do anything with my life. However, I feel like that's how everyone tries to make you feel. I want to be able to accomplish things not only for myself but for my child as well. I know it'll be a lot more difficult, but I do think I can do it. However, I still have doubts sometimes. But then I also think that most pregnant women probably doubt if they're going to be able to do it. Most women probably have fear of the unknown. I don't know; it's just so difficult.

Thanks again everyone for continuing to post your words of wisdom and support. Bromanchik, I received some counseling at my college which was really nice because a) it was free and b) it was just a basic counselor who had no reason to lean one way or another. It was really nice to talk it out with someone like that. Cynthia2340, I find your story pretty inspiring, and I feel like I can relate to a lot of it. I have to say I feel lucky to at least have the support of some of my family if I chose parenting.

[bromanchik]

Good to hear from you! Sounds like things are going well.

[zxczxcasdasd]

My son was born to my hubby (but not to me...I came later) when he was just 18. He needed a lot of support at first when he was still so young and going through college. But he didn't stay young. He finished college (and a fine one at that) while being a young dad and as he got older and became more of a man, he became more and more independent as a parent until he no longer needed his parents to help him any more than by being loving grandparents. When he got his first real post-college job, he bought a little (1100 sq. ft) house that he and J lived in until we got married and he sold it and we bought the house we've been in ever since. Successful, living the American dream, we're younger than most other parents around us, but really no one cares one bit how old he was when J was born. And J's childhood memories are the ones of the his dad as a grown man and an independent father-- he doesn't remember the young boy who needed help. The whole you'll-never-get-anywhere-saddled-with-a-kid line is baloney.

Of course, there are differences. Hubby (and later I) did not get those twenties carefree with no responsibility and lots of freedom. We were parents with huge obligations, no matter how young we were. We didn't get the honeymoon years of being just a couple, we were co-parents from day one. Our plan is to make up for it by still being pretty young when the kids are grown and out and THEN we'll be crazy and carefree. It's not the same as not having a kid and going to college. But then, it won't be the same when you have all the freedom when you're old enough to really know what to do with it, while your friends are still in the middle of raising kids. It's a tradeoff of timelines and priorities, but in the end it's just chronology, not about missing anything entirely.

[happygmom]

It is wonderful to hear from you and know that you and your baby are healthy. Going to a counselor at your college was very wise.

My daughter was in college when she was pregnant and was torn about being a mom and parenting on her own (fiance ditched early on because she would not get an abortion). As soon as she started leaning toward parenting, her father and I helped her make a parenting plan addressing issues like a budget, living arrangements, a long-term plan for her to complete college, health insurance, and employment. The plan took the pressure off her so she was able to focus on her feelings about being a single mother, the art of parenting, and enjoying the birth of her son. She stepped right up after her son was born and loves being a mom. Her dad and I just adore this little guy (now 3.5 years) and feel sorry for grandparents who don't see their grandbabies very often.

My daughter is still working on her degree but is making steady progress. A baby will slow you down, but he/she will not stop you.

If some of your family will help you, I encourage you to find out specifically what they will do so you know what you can and cannot count on when your baby is born. Otherwise, you might find some gaps and feel overwhelmed the first few months.

Good luck!

Happy G'Ma

[cetalley]

Happy gmom, I am truly touched by your parenting ability and your husbands too. The world needs more moms and dads like yourselves, to be open , honest and upfront, willing to help your daughter make a plan to parent. I truly am honored, thanks for posting this...maybe just one expecting young lady will read this and find hope and courage, to talk to their parents...Blessings...C.J.

[happygmom]

Originally Posted by cetalley

Happy gmom, I am truly touched by your parenting ability and your husbands too. The world needs more moms and dads like yourselves, to be open , honest and upfront, willing to help your daughter make a plan to parent. I truly am honored, thanks for posting this...maybe just one expecting young lady will read this and find hope and courage, to talk to their parents...Blessings...C.J.

Ah ... thanks C.J.

I am blessed to have a beautiful daughter who is an AWESOME mom. My grandson's daycare mom says to me every time I see her, "Isn't life strange? The best parent of all the children I care for is a single mom. Your daughter is so loving and gentle with her son. And ... She has by far the lowest income yet she the only parent who pays me on time every week."

Also, we are blessed to be so involved with this little guy. There is nothing like being a grandparent.

Dear refinnej,

Young single moms get a bum rap from our culture. Ignore the naysayers - there are millions of young moms who are doing a great job with their kids.

Happy G'Ma