[JustPeachy]

Are there people that just give up their kids, knowing it's the best, and it actaully is the best, for everyone. And everyone lives happily ever after ???

Well, for me it was not easy, but I did believe it was the best at the time, and in actuality, it was the best for everyone. I can honestly say I have had a good life overall, as has my son. Being a birthmom is not an easy path, and certainly there are unique issues and feelings that arise, there is definitely grief and loss, but overall, it hasn't been so traumatic for me that I couldn't work through it. I think in large part, for me, it was because I knew I was not able to parent my child the way I wanted him parented. So for me to have attempted to do so would have been just as difficult, perhaps more so, as choosing adoption, and would have had a greater negative impact overall than making an adoption plan.

[BrandyHagz]

Are there people that just give up their kids, knowing it's the best, and it actaully is the best, for everyone. And everyone lives happily ever after ???

I made an adoption plan for my daughter, while parenting my son. I firmly believe that I made the right decision for my family (my unborn daughter, my son I was parenting as well as for myself) when I investigated adoption and ultimately made the decision to place her.

It was the best for us – I suspect I would not be in the position I am in today had I not made and followed through with those plans.

However, it has never been ‘happily ever after’ – not once.

The pain, while not as acute 12 years later, is still very much there.

I spend a lot of time playing the ‘what if’ game with myself, because of the way my daughters life has turned out.

I cry at my powerless to make life better for her.

I am one of the lucky ones – our open adoption has remained open and close for the most part – but that has been hard to.

If anyone tells you this will be easy, the pain will heal, you will move on or that things will be ‘happily ever after’ – they are wrong. There may be easy times, but there will be plenty of gut wrenchingly hard ones as well. The pain, while it may not cripple you, it doesn’t mean it’s gone away…it’s just become commonplace. You may move on, but you will never forget…you will go forward in life, because you have to, but there will always be a tiny piece missing…like that feeling you have when you think you’ve left the iron/stove on.

There is no ‘happily ever after’ – there is just after…and only you can decide if that after can be happy with or without your child(ren).

I still feel I made the right decision – I did what I had to do and I stand behind that…but nothing about that decision has been without a river of tears.

[jcsunshine]

So sorry you are going through this. Prayers and peace to you and your babies.

[bromanchik]

[/quote]However, it has never been ‘happily ever after’ – not once. [/quote]

Amen, Brandy! It drives me nuts when adoption is portrayed as a win-win-win situation. All suffer losses. So while it may be the right decision for some, happily-ever-after does not figure into my experience either.

[/quote]The pain, while not as acute 12 years later, is still very much there. [/quote]

It's been almost 24 years for me.....

[/quote]There is no ‘happily ever after’ – there is just after…[/quote]

Well said.

[kakuehl]

It's been 36 years (in a few months) for me; I'm in the midst of a good reunion; I still think I made the right decision, and it still hurts. I went to my nephew's graduation last night. He graduated from the high school where I student taught. I found myself thinking of my experience of student teaching. My supervisors knocked my grade down because I wasn't "enthusiastic" enough. I gave birth and placed D in October (I missed 2 weeks of school; I took a suit case of books with me to the hospital.); student teaching began in February. On the surface we all acted as if nothing had happened. (I did see a school counselor.) No wonder I wasn't "enthusiastic."

[Oceans]

Happily ever after = a life of wondering "what if" but you are still secure in your choice
Happily ever after = Waiting X amount of years until your grown kids look you in the eye and say "you made the right choice"
Happily ever after = I would never have to justify my choice to any one ever again

That would be “happily ever after” for me... And (believe it or not) I am accepting... Not bitter...

[cbrink7]

Oceans I like your post...I think everyones "happlily ever after" is so different (although I am more inclined to believe that there really is never a happily ever after for everyone in any situation-gosh I sound jaded )...

OP good luck in whatever you decide. I hate for you that it this all happening to you (too much for anyone to deal with in my opinion), but you sound like a stong wonderful mom, and I am sure that you will make whatever decision is best for you and your family. Take care of yourself!

[JustPlainMomma]

There are NO Happily Ever Afters. Adoption is A PERMANANT SOLUTION FOR A TEMPRARY SITUATION. Once the adoption is finalized(sometimes even before that) there is no turning back.

The only ever after you can be assured of is a life of the pain of a mother and child being separated. For an adoptee it is a live off loss to. Both Bmom and adoptees are guarenteed a pain like no other. Though there is definate pain, bmoms are able to find moments of happiness in between and even go onto marry and raise another family. However, that constant nagging pain will be with you until the day you die. Believe me and all you have to do is read teh posts of the boms that ahve gone before you to know this.

JPM

[JustPeachy]

However, that constant nagging pain will be with you until the day you die.

I'm sorry if this has been your experience, truly, but it has not been that way at all for me. I am not going to say it wasn't hard, or there wasn't pain involved, but it in no way comes even close to a constant nagging pain. I know other birthmoms who also are much more at peace with their decision. I'm not sure if reading these boards can give a truly accurate picture of what all birthmoms go through, as those who are more at peace with their decision are not as likely to come here for support. I think, too, a lot depends upon what kind of adoption you have (closed vs. semi open or open), what kind of support system you have, whether or not you get counseling, and what kind of individual coping skills you have. I'm not suggesting in any way that it is easy or that you can just "get over it." I do know that it is very hard and there is grief and loss involved, but it is not insurmountable for every single birthmother out there, and it must also be understood that there is also a lot of pain and difficulty in keeping a child that you are not able to parent. In my case, despite the pain I went through, my son benefitted so much that I can only be happy for him. I know I made the right choice, and I suppose it helps to know that. If I regretted my choice, I can see where I wouldn't be in the place I am now.

It probably also helps not to think in terms of "happily ever after" since that is the stuff of fantasy or fairy tales. Life will be full of difficulties no matter what. I don't feel my life is ruined or horrible because I made an adoption plan. I've gone on, in fact, to have a pretty wonderful life. Still, I wouldn't say "happily ever after" because there are many things in life that are painful (not just relinquishing a child). For instance, losing loved ones to illness and death, growing older, going through divorce, losing your job, etc. It's all a part of life. There will be pain along the way along with the good times.

[lilaustinsmommy]

Thank you again everyone for your support, no matter what your personal opinions may be. I'm now 33 weeks and still have made no decision. My doctor is hoping I will get to 36. My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together, which makes it's almost harder on me, because he's not coming back, he's still with this other woman, he's just starting to miss me, and I'm so emotionally distraught I'm taking whatever I can get. When we spend time together, on one hand I feel like maybe we CAN co-parent or maybe we'll get back together (which is a fantasy I'm sure) but then when it's my turn to take our toddler he's gone, and I won't hear from him again until his days with our son roll back around. It also makes me see that he will NOT be dependable. I think the thoughts I'm having that somehow when these babies come he'll just snap out of this is ridiculous, and I have to try to take all of these things into consideration. We are following through with setting an adoption plan, I want to be prepared either way. The agency we are working with, to this point has been very low pressure and have assured me that going into the hospital not knowing is ok. We are getting DVD's of potential families in the mail today, so that should be interesting. I'm still just really scared that whatever decision I make will be the wrong one. My parents, I feel like have been pro-adoption this whole time, now within the last week have both said things to me to make me question what they're really thinking. It's all just so confusing !! One day I'm ready to have the babies and just get this all over with, the next day the thought of going into labor NOW is enough to give me heart palpatations !! I really don't know, and I keep praying to god to give me some sort of help with the answer, but it never comes.

[karsonsmom]

Maybe the answer has come and you just haven't "heard" God. I want to tell you something that alot of women would be infuriated to hear or read: Your marriage shouldn't be over (if he does decide to return to you and his family) just because of this affair and it is what "most women" would say they would do (I wouldn't put up with some man cheating on me-kind of thing). I'm not suggesting that you put up with a man who CONTINUES to cheat, but I do know couples who have managed to overcome this. Is there NO way to get counseling for your marriage? I would really love to see you spending more time thinking of ways to make that work, and if it won't, ways to make it work with you keeping your babies, instead of what appears to be quite a bit of planning for the adoption. So many of these women have posted things that should give you true pause: Your situation could change at any moment. Perhaps it would change the very hour you relinquished your babies. Maybe it won't. I can tell you exactly what sort of things I would be doing, as I did parent my son alone (not married, but did have wonderful family) and poor when he was born 21 years ago. I understand struggle, but as I lay there waiting on the birth of those babies, I would have the phone book beside me calling every single agency I could possibly find to beg for help. I would walk right up to the front of my church congregation on Sunday morning and say, "I am going to have to put these babies, whom I already love, up for adoption because my husband has run off. If there is anything anyone of you could do to help me raise these 3 precious children, I would be forever grateful. We need housing, clothes, diapers, and people willing to help me rock and change diapers. In a few years, if things don't look up, I'm going to need bigger clothes for them and school supplies. Please pray for us and if you are so led to do anything beyone that, I thank you." I PROMISE you that you will be very surprised at how many people will help you, through God's grace and guidance. And I am praying for you now. If you do decide on adoption, I am not judging you at all. That is often the most loving choice. But I feel in my heart that you have already heard the "Answer", you are just (understandably) afraid of the answer. Hugs and love and kisses.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

I think Karsonsmom is right. I'm afraid you are making this decision based upon your current situation with your marriage. Pretend for a moment you had never met this man and gotten married. I think you need to see someone......therapist or clergy to go through some of your emotions with.....I think you are drowning in them and they are clouding your judgement.

You will be surprised at the help and generousity of others but you HAVE TO ASK. Do not expect people to come forward. You have to speak what you need from them.

Kim

[lilaustinsmommy]

My husband and I did go to marriage counseling, until he didn't want to go anymore. The whole time we were in therapy he wasn't truthful so it did absolutely no good. I don't want the marriage to be over, I would stay, if he told me tommorow that he was sorry and that this would never happen again and that he wanted our family I would take him back. It's kinda pathetic, but I would. the problem is that obviously he doesn't want that. He's had 4 months to decide what he wants and he won't stop doing what he's doing with her, but says he doesn't even like her much. He's just jerking me around, and unfortunately I'm taking it. I am currently still in counseling for myself, and plan on continuing, it helps.

As far as getting help from all of these places that I don't know exist, I do live in a smaller farm town with not a ton of these resources you may be speaking of, AND lots of minorities. I was actaully advised that to get help from certain agencies I would have to be Hispanic, which I'm not. My question is, say I find all of these people and resources that can help, what happens when that runs out ?? What happens when the church and the donations stop, and it's just me. I can only depend on myself to do this. I know that I'm living with my parents, but even they have made it clear that me living with them is okay, but they are not helping to raise the babies, and will not be able to take on a role that I may be hoping for as far as help is concerned.

I think what I'm having the hardest thing with is the whole, 2 babies thing. I do love them, but there are 2. Twice the love I'll need to give, Twice the time they will need, twice the diapers and formula and clothes, and honestly, twice the ability to cope with all this. I do agree that it's hard to differentiate my emotions (especially with hormones present) in between my marriage and the babies, but in real life I'll still have to deal with both. And the fact that I'm having twins is still the #1 reason why I feel like I'm leaning more towards adoption. I can't argue that situations can change, I can't argue that with a whole lot of love a lot is possible, but I can argue that with the fact that the world and economy that we are living in today, it's a lot harder to make it than it may have been at other times, especially with 3 mouths to feed. I give a ton of credit to moms that kept their children and that are living proof that it can work, however, how many of these moms didn't have other children and only had 1 in their belly to provide for. It makes a huge difference !! I hope I'm not offending anyone. I'm just trying to share the thoughts that are running through my head all day everyday, and where I'm coming from and why I'm at where I'm at with this decision.

[quantum]

Hiya,
I'm not going to tell you what your decision should be! I do believe that you'll know when the time is right and that you shouldn't make a decision either way if you're not 100% sure.
I recently told a friend about my birthson. She confessed to me that she raised her twins on her own. She decided when she found out she was pregnant that their father wasn't the right person for her. He wanted her to abort, but she did not. Of course, I must also admit here that this was 30+ years ago, she didn't know she was having twins! Anyway, she struggled, but she made it. She later went on to marry and have another child. She even made a career change at the age of 40 and became a nurse!

I guess I'm re-iterating what a lot of people are saying here in that your situation is temporary.
Your husband is also obligated to help you financially.

I'm glad that you're here! I'm glad that you're sharing your thoughts! This IS an extremely difficult situation. I'm very glad that you're in counseling.

Hang in there! I'm sure that you will know what to do when the time is right.

[Christmas]

Originally Posted by Isabo

Lilaustinsmommy,

I am sorry to read about the difficult time you are having right now. Since you asked for our thoughts, then I will plunge right in with mine ....

I hope that you think long and hard about parenting your children before you explore adoption. Please look at who can be a resource to you in your life. How much help can you reasonably expect from your family, friends, church, etc. What community resources are available to help you?

In addition, I encourage you to wait to make a decision toward adoption until well after the babies are born. I also encourage you to NOT contact an agency or any potential adoptive parents until well after the babies are born. The reason that I am saying this is that there is NO TIME LINE that has to be followed and NO DEADLINE. You can make this decision at any time - you do NOT have to have an adoption plan in place when the babies are born. You have just suffered the breakup of your marriage. You are understandably distressed right now. Your soon to be ex-husband is walking away from his responsibilities, and if he can get you to give these babies (which were wanted by BOTH of you) up for adoption, then that makes him responsible for less child support and gives him less responsibility, while giving him more time to play with the girlfriend. Don't be swayed by him wanting to back out of responsibility - he hasn't bonded with the children yet, but you have. You and your children are way more important than his new life with his girlfriend.

Please give yourself all the time that you need to educate yourself and make a reasoned choice, which is not influenced by the stress of your impending divorce. Adoption is a permanent, life long, unchangeable decision. You will lose these children FOREVER. I know. I lost my only child to adoption when I was 17. It was the worst mistake of my life, and I will pay for it for the rest of my life. There are no second chances in adoption. Once you involve an adoption agency, then the pressure is on and the marketing campaign to influence you toward adoption has begun. People will tell you about open adoption, but there are no guarantees that the adoption will stay open for even one minute after you sign the relinquishment papers, so please don't base a decision to relinquish on the promise of openness. Please please please go slowly, take your time, have the babies, bond with them, see if you CAN make it (which involves getting a divorce attorney NOW). You and your children should not have to be separated because your husband is a faithless cheater. If, after you have taken all of the time that you need and you still want to explore adoption, then you can look into it. It doesn't matter if the babies are a bit older - there will be potential adoptive parents who will adopt them if it comes to that. And please understand that the babies will miss you and will suffer from being separated from you, no matter if you relinquish at birth or sometime thereafter. You are their mother, and they know your smell, the sound of your voice and your heartbeat. Therefore, there is no need to relinquish upon birth in order to avoid them bonding with you - they already have.

I wish you the best, and I pray that you make this decision VERY slowly and without influence from anyone who will profit from you deciding to make an adoption plan.

Hugs,

Isabo, I couldn't agree or express this more soundly than you have, here. This is almost perfection on the topic of adoption, surrendering birthmothers, change in circumstances, AND, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, not having the father's CURRENT life infuse any coercion of mind or will over these children's Mother.

Lilaustenmommy, PLEASE read this post over and over again, to hear some very sound and real judgement about adoption agencies, your babies, your 'poisoning-into-YOUR-joy of a husband', and the far reaching circumstances that adoption IS. Isabo speaks the truth and covers it all. Listen to wisdom that has gone before you, and do not let FEAR consume you nor be the impedece to make a decision. God sees all and will harbor your labors with showerings of blessings...AND, get a good divorce-lawyer--Pronto!

I wish you all the best, and read and re-read what Isabo has written here, therein lies the sound of reason and TRUTH OF IT ALL. I wish you guiding strength and more peace one day at a time, one minute at a time - in your journey.