[tippitoezz]

My husband and I are considering placing our baby due in Sept. for adoption. We have been reading birthmother letters...etc...now we are ready to move to the next step and begin contacting some of them. What kind of questions do you think we should be asking them? Are there questions anyone wishes they would have asked etc...
Thanks for your help!

[Dmommab]

You should really feel free to ask them anything you want that will effect the life of your baby. If you ask "different" questions and they seem uncomfortable with that then that will tell you a LOT about them. Just be yourself & ask WHATEVER you want. Good luck in choosing the right family for your baby if that is what you decide to do.

[quantum]

Also make sure that you ask yourselves if this is what you really want to do! Remember that adoption is forever.

One thing I wish is that I'd had open adoption as an option. So think about what sort of adoption you'd like to have. I was pushed into a closed adoption but it was extremely difficult for me on a number of levels not knowing anything about my son and not even being allowed to speak about it.
I'm in reunion now, and that's great, but it was nearly 22 years of silence.

A lot of what I've felt and what I've heard from a lot of other birthmothers on here is that we wish we'd understood the impact of giving up our children on us, as well as really having fully explored ALL options. I may have still chosen adoption, but it's hard to know for sure.

As far as questions to potential aparents, try to find someone with the same ideas as you guys have as far as contact and so on (open vs. closed adoption etc), and just remember that at anytime before signing the final papers, you can change your mind, for example if it starts to feel not right with parents you'd thought you'd chosen, you have the right to keep looking.

Others have more experiance with this. I wish you all the best in your decision making.

[EZ2Luv]

I just want to reiterate that adoption is a permanant solution for what might very well be a temporary situation. Circumstances can change and you will have already relinquished your baby with no turning back. Please think about this and seek counseling(not from an agency) I can only pray that your decision is carefully thought out and you are at peace with it.

EZ

[taramayrn]

Welcome to the forums. Please know that adoption.com is NOT a matching site. So, it is against our rules for someone to contact you from here asking to adopt your baby, as is it against our rules for you to contact someone requesting they adopt your baby. If you have someone contact you, please let either myself or one of the moderators know.

[Marimar]

I think before you start reading "birthmother letters " and before trying to decide what you want in an adoption parent .

There are questions you need to adress yourself.

Did you really considered all your options.
Is adoption really necessary?
Do you think your baby needs you or do you think you are replacable?
Do you think it will be easy or difficult?
Do you think that once you give birth and adoption happenes you will turn back to your old self?
Do you think that other babys you may have in future will replace this child?
Do you know that there is also posibility of never having a baby again ?
Have you made any plan on parenting before considering adoption? Why do you think it will not work?
Do you feel attached to your child?

Do you think that you can be a good mother?
Or do you think that you can not be a good mother?
Do you have any support system?

I think untill it is too late there are questions that needed to be adressed?
I am just worried for expectant mothers that once they go to a agency they are never asked these questions..


Good luck ..

[AnxiousMom777]

Originally Posted by tippitoezz

My husband and I are considering placing our baby due in Sept. for adoption. We have been reading birthmother letters...etc...now we are ready to move to the next step and begin contacting some of them. What kind of questions do you think we should be asking them? Are there questions anyone wishes they would have asked etc...
Thanks for your help!

I think anyone who is interested in adoption should ask whatever questions of the adoptive parents that you feel you need to know or things that are important to you and your husband, i.e. family values, religion of a. parents, location, principles, thoughts on open, closed adoption, etc....I try to ask whatever comes to mind that I would be concerned with in placing my little girl...I am in the middle of choosing adoptive parents myself, and it is definitely a difficult decision to make. Good luck with everything!

[mg1970]

If you are uncomfortable contacting PAPs directly you might consider going through an agency. Only some of the homestudy-ready PAPs advertise on the interenet. An adoption agency will give you a thorough interview to determine your situation and interests and preferences and show you a smaller set of profiles to choose from. They will keep giving you profiles until you find something that fits. Then they will facilitate the first meeting.

Just a suggestion if the thought of finding adoptive parents on your own seems intimidating.

M

[SchmennaLeigh]

You ask the questions that are important to you for the parents of your child. That includes anything you think might be minor to anything major. If they refuse to answer, they are not a proper match for you.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by mg1970

If you are uncomfortable contacting PAPs directly you might consider going through an agency. Only some of the homestudy-ready PAPs advertise on the interenet. An adoption agency will give you a thorough interview to determine your situation and interests and preferences and show you a smaller set of profiles to choose from. They will keep giving you profiles until you find something that fits. Then they will facilitate the first meeting.

Just a suggestion if the thought of finding adoptive parents on your own seems intimidating.

M

Beware blindly trusting agencies. Many are known to act in highly unethical manners with expectant parents considering relinquishment. Furthermore, as this is a case of a married mother and father considering placement, many agencies simply don't know what to do with fathers who are involved. If you do seek out an agency, make sure that you are provided with your own legal representation and a third-party (not affiliated with the agency) counselor.

[vbigelow]

I don't want to seem negative, but I would strongly suggest you speak with those who are in middle age or older and have had to live their lives trying to cope with the reality of relinquishment before signing anything permanent. Feel free to pm me if you are interested.

[kindredspirit]

All I want to add is this.

First make sure it is what both you and your husband want to do. Most states will require both of you to sign your rights away. It is a decision that will last a life time and it depends on the aparents you choose as to how much contact you will have. And have a great support group of family and friends around when you need them. There will be days you will double guess yourself and they will be able to get you through it.

No matter if you go through an agency or private everyone will try to make their lives seem great. As a person from both sides I have seen both the bad and the good of adoption. I know agencies will 'promise' anything they can to have you and so will alot of private parents you contact. You will need to learn to read "between the lines." I was happy to see that you have been doing your research by reading profiles but that is only a small part. There are people out there that write these profiles for the aparents and make them seem wonderful so you really do not get to know the people until you call them.

As a person who gave up a child, I actually had a closed adoption. But if I could do it again, I would want to know the educational back ground (college and profession), family background (race and regelion), personal hobbies, what the looked like, why they chose adoption (besides the fact not having a child.), why they chose the route they are taking over the other ways (ex. foriegn/private/agency). I just want to get to know the person for who they are and see if they matched my personality, sense of homor and if I felt comfortable with them. What their goals would be after adopting, be aware that a lot of aparents will say they plan on being a 'at home mom.' Call them afterwards and find that is not the case.

As a person who has adopted, when my son's Mother contacted us. We started off slow, the first call was only the basic information like our names and profession and hobbies. But the first call does not always tell you what you are really looking for. Sometimes as time goes on, just talking about anything going on in life you get to know the people.

Just ask a lot of questions like an interview and talk to them like you would if you were friends. Oh, as a person going the private way, some times when the calls come through just at a bad time of day you might not get a good feeling but try again. We all have bad phone days, the old saying about the first impression is not always right. Some people are nervous at first.

Adoption could be a beautiful thing is you chose the right couple or single parent. (do not want to leave anyone out)

Hope this helps. Good luck, September will be here before you know.

[thelowlanders]

I would just add...
Ask how they were raised. What kind of discipline was used. What did they do for family fun. Are they religious. If possible, I know this sounds wierd, but ...test their patience some how. Do something obnoxious and see how they react. Is it genuine or a put on face.
See how open minded they are on different issues. This will show how flexible they will be in the adventure of parenting.
Hope that helps.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by thelowlanders

I would just add...
Ask how they were raised. What kind of discipline was used. What did they do for family fun. Are they religious. If possible, I know this sounds wierd, but ...test their patience some how. Do something obnoxious and see how they react. Is it genuine or a put on face.
See how open minded they are on different issues. This will show how flexible they will be in the adventure of parenting.
Hope that helps.

I think if someone is on the road to adoption, through foster or privately, they have patience. I think that would be a given.

I would like to suggest that you be honest in all your questions and your responses, and honest in your reactions to everyone involved. When you look back on this period in your life, you can rest easy that you dealt with others in an honorable way, and came to your decision based on facts, not on any kind of deceptive behavior. If/when your are reunited with the child, when you have "the conversation" about relinquishing the child, you can look them in eye and tell the story, with no hesitation and no feeling that you were ever, in any way, dishonest in your dealings with the adoptive parents.

I wish you patience, courage, and loving support as you make this very important decision.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by RobinKay

I think if someone is on the road to adoption, through foster or privately, they have patience. I think that would be a given.

I laughed.

Adoptive parents are not saints. They are human beings. Each and every one of them. They run out of patience. They make mistakes. One could argue that the patience they are forced to endure (while waiting) could make them have less patience with someone purposefully testing their limits as lowlanders suggested (which, by the way, is not something I would ever suggest as it doesn't shuck and jive with my honest communication rule).

But all expectant parents considering relinquishment should realize that adoptive parents are human. There are going to be communication problems from time to time. Feelings will occasionally get hurt. And even in the best case scenarios, things can go wrong. When we tell expectant parents things like "all adoptive parents are patient people," we do them a great disservice as we're painting them as people who won't ever make a mistake.

Also: I'm not less patient because I'm not an adoptive parent. And I'm not MORE patient because I'm not an adoptive parent. I'm as patient as I was meant to be.