[momofbryson]

Maybe you should check into private adoption. Agency adoption is so expensive. Ask for reffs.

[taramayrn]

When placing through an agency, there should be NO cost to the expectant parents.

[Adopted-B-4]

Glitter-First, I am an adoptive parent. I hope you don't mind me responding. I agree, anyone can put on a show but if you meet with them more than once and get to know them, you can get more of a feel for them. I am not aware of any expenses that our biomoms had to pay. In fact, many states allow for birthmother expenses to be paid. In our situation, both of our birthmothers had to be put on bedrest so they couldn't work, so the agency paid their monthly expenses before and after pregnancy for a period of time. Check out a reputable agency in your area and find out what your options are for expenses if you need them.

On the other hand, if you decide to go with the safe haven law, you don't get to choose the parents for your baby. If you pick the parents, you get to choose whether you want an open or semi-open adoption and how involved you want to be in the future.

You also have a lot of time to think about this and look into other options, such as the possibility of keeping you baby and parenting and how you could get assistance to do that. I do pray you get peace with whatever decision you make. Blessings to you.

[siobhan_ontario]

I placed my baby boy for adoption just under three years ago. I know how many questions are going through your head. If you wanna talk I am here.

[mygrl4meee]

Originally Posted by tanmansmom

If you are considering adoption and your family and friends are supportive, you may want to network on your own to find people you trust. When my husband's secretary found out her sister was pregnant and didn't want to parent, she suggested that we might be the people she would be comfortable placing her child with. We met her and we all bonded instantly. TJ's bmom was comfortable with us since her sister had known us for years and ours would be an ongoing relationship. Although we have a semi-open adoption (pics and email updates) TJ sees his bioaunt all the time so the family is always reassured that he is happy and healthy. I just know it is a source of comfort for his bmom.

Hi.... I have a question, if you don't mind me asking. Does your son know that the lady, that is his bio aunt, is related?
My daughter's parents are friends of my aunt's, and I am sure she see's my bdaughter, once in a great while. But doesn't really offer up information, unless I push her. Then I feel like the devil, so I don't really ask. I wonder if my bdaughter knows this is a great aunt to her. Also I am not saying that this happens, but since my Mom and her sister sometimes hang out. I wonder if my mom has ever seen my bdaughter. It's probably unlikely, or if it happened, it was a accident. Like someone visiting without giving much notice. I would be really upset with my Mom, if that did happen, and she didn't at least let me know. But then again we don't talk about the past.

[FallenChild]

Your right - anyone can act and put on a show - check out Cyndi Jorden (not sure spelled right) on the internet - she was a victim of adoptive parents of her infant that lied to her and made promises they didn;t keep - she was so grief stricken after giving hor baby to them to adopt that she committed suicide

[Kortney2127]

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

I don't think anyone but the person going thru the experience will know what they will and will not want. There are a number of women who place and are perfectly at peace with that decision.

While I am not happy with the parents my daughter ultimately ended up with, I very much believe I made the right decision when I chose to place my daughter for adoption.

The bottom line, providing information so a woman can make an informed decision is the only way to ensure that a woman is not coerced into placing or parenting…and yes, both things DO happen.

As for finding the ‘right’ parents – to be totally honest with you…it’s a crap shoot. There are just as many bad adoptive parents as there are biological parents…(percentage wise) and there is no guarantee, regardless of what a homestudy, social worker or person says…things change…

Mental illness that occurs later in life.
Divorce
Mid-Life Crisis that results in a total change in stability for the family

And yes, complete and total fabrication of who the couple really is, during the home study process (it happens…I’ve seen it (and been subjected to it)).

While all of those things above are scary and may freak you out – I think that, over all, the incidence of those things (divorce, mid-life crisis and mental illness) are the same (per-capita) that you’d see in biological families…

The saying is true…you can’t pick your parents…

Which makes it really hard – when you’re trying to pick your child’s parents.

My advice, do your research. Watch for warning signs. Keep an eye out for red flags. Do whatever you need to do to make you comfortable.

If I had it to do over again, I might have requested more in depth research into the mothers mental health background. I might have asked to see a copy of both of their resumes, to see what their job stability looked like. Most of all, I think I would have been more ‘in tune’ with the things going on around me…I think if I were, I might have been able to pick up on the little things that, now, seem so freakin obvious.

In adoption, you can’t promise your child the perfect life…you can just promise them a different one than they would have had with you.

Well said. We have just gone through a failed adoption and this was enlightening for me.

[Christmas]

Originally Posted by bromanchik

The problem I have with the whole "choosing adoption is a selfless act'" line of thinking is that it implies that choosing to parent is selfish. Choosing to parent might be the best thing for your baby. Parenting requires a lifetime of selfless acts. As a parent, you are always putting your child's needs first. Please note I said needs not wants. Children need love, attention, guidance and someone they can look up to. They need food, shelter and clothing. Anything else is extras. You may have all you need for your baby to thrive.

Bromanchik,

Hoooray hooray for stating that you believe that 'choosing to parent' is NOT a selfish act. MY LORD, when I was making my decision and dallying with those SAME phrases.."Adoption is a selfless act", parenting is selfish"...I thought..in real and well thought out terms, how COULD parenting be selfish? As you said, it is a lifetime of selfless acts To parent. And, it seems a dang derogatory statement which resounds heavily in 'judgement' to even Have phrases like that. That is a 'shame' nuance to the Mother, however one reads either, or agrees or disagrees with either.

Thank you for again, relegating all of our Motherhood to an unbiased, non-judgmental and 'realistic on terms' place it should be.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by Christmas

Thank you for again, relegating all of our Motherhood to an unbiased, non-judgmental and 'realistic on terms' place it should be.

You're welcome. It is one of my pet peeves. No mother should ever be told they are selfish because they want to parent their own child.

[cetalley]

Glittergirl, Welcome and congrats on your baby. You have recieved some very good advice...the reason I love these forums. You can take all the bits and pieces of info from here and take your time researching. I am a FirstMom and relinquished twin sons. I only wish I could have had a place like this to turn to...1986..hell cell phones did not exist...I don't think!!!! There is no perfect parents..that is not what a child needs anyway. All your baby needs is you. I , and only my experience, am left with grief that is so profound, that it feels like I will cease to exist at any given moment. I knew nothing about adoption. If I could have known of their lives, even if through pictures, it might have made a difference. I will never know. You will have ALL the time you need to make that decision..hold your baby..spend time with your baby. Take your baby home for a while...there is no time limit...If I could have had that option I sure would have ran with it. If you truly do not want to parent after spending a week or two with your baby...then and only then should you decide to sign papers. Parents waiting to adopt WILL understand...for that is all they want for theirselves..is a child. They would never want to TAKE a child from its mother. You have so much time.. enjoy your pregnancy..it is the most profound feeling..yes even with the nausea...I am sending Blessings and best of wishes to you and your baby...

[zerostorm]

Hi, i am a birth mother of a daughter whom I released for adoption through a wonderful agency in South Bend, IN just over 18 years ago. No fees to the birth mother and they allow you to view family profiles that are extremely extensive and they screen all potential adoptive parents very well, and for a long period of time! I was 16 at the time of my daughters birth and although I was scared and confused about many things, iI still to this day never regret what choice I made! She has had opportunities that I could never have offered her, and is healthy,and well established from what I know. Let your brain and heart make the decisions together. I say this only because the heart sometimes will overcome the mind when such emotional decisions are needed to be made, and you will need both in order to know what is right for you and your child. Just know that you are not alone, you are not the first young girl to go through this and you won't be the last, but you CAN make a difference in the life of your own child and your own future as well.

[cetalley]

Originally Posted by zerostorm

Hi, i am a birth mother of a daughter whom I released for adoption through a wonderful agency in South Bend, IN just over 18 years ago. No fees to the birth mother and they allow you to view family profiles that are extremely extensive and they screen all potential adoptive parents very well, and for a long period of time! I was 16 at the time of my daughters birth and although I was scared and confused about many things, iI still to this day never regret what choice I made! She has had opportunities that I could never have offered her, and is healthy,and well established from what I know. Let your brain and heart make the decisions together. I say this only because the heart sometimes will overcome the mind when such emotional decisions are needed to be made, and you will need both in order to know what is right for you and your child. Just know that you are not alone, you are not the first young girl to go through this and you won't be the last, but you CAN make a difference in the life of your own child and your own future as well.

Glittergirl, Zerostorm is correct when she says; 'YOUR HEART SOMETIMES WILL OVERCOME THE MIND,WHEN SUCH EMOTIONAL DECISIONS ARE NEEDED TO BE MADE" This is why , in my opinion, one should absolutely spend time with their child after giving birth...hell, I think it should be mandatory for Mother and child to spend time after the birth. As long as there is NO mental instability in ones past behavior. Your Hormones ARE raging well after the birth, and what would hurt for one with child to have to spend 1 week with their baby...if for no other reason than to have that last time to say goodbye and give yourself PEACE of mind that you spent a week, knowing in your HEART it was the right decision to relinquish. If I could have had that one week, I personally would not be here right now..unequivicably(sp?) would NOT be here! I am not saying placing YOUR baby is wrong or right, I am saying you will not know for sure until after the birth of your child. Circumstances change...losing your child IS FOREVER. In my case I lost twins....I cannot go back, but had I had the chance and was told I could take my babies home...This discussion would not be happening. Please keep talking to us..for all any of us want is for YOU and YOUR baby to be happy! I send this with Peace and Serenity....

[dpen6]

I think the orginal post was a while ago. Wondering what did you decide and are you ok?