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#1
01-31-2008, 01:16 PM
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Torn....
Well, first and foremost... Hello all! Im new here, and just looking for some opinions?
I'm 17 years old, and i'm 32 weeks pregnant. As soon as I found out, I decided adoption was for me. I live with my mother, who is disabled, and I don't work. I found an agency, and then a family. We hit it off great, and I absolutely adore them! But recently, i've been having second thoughts. I've always wanted children, and prior to my pregnancy, I was told for years I could never have children. At the same time, I feel guilty, because I -do- like the family so much, and I feel that it would be selfish to take the hope of parenting away from them, especially after all they've done to prepare (they've had three baby showers!). I'm also afraid to tell my father and his parents, who I've kept 'out of the loop' because of the way they would react. It seems like my main reasons for going through with the adoption are out of concern for the prospective family, and fear..... But other times it seems like the best thing to do. Anyone have an opinion? 
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#2
01-31-2008, 01:56 PM
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Welcome to the forums! First off - remember that adoption.com is not a matching site. So, if anyone contacts you wanting to adopt your baby they could risk a ban from our site. If you recieve any pm's of that nature please forward them to either myself or one of the other mods. We want this to be a safe place.
You know, if you are having second thoughts I, personally, would recommend that you explore those thoughts and explore how you can parent. There are lots of supports for single parents out there waiting to be accessed. If you do decide to place it needs to be because it's right for you and your baby, not because it's right or you feel an obligation to the adoptive parents. Yes, they will be upset, but there will be another baby for them to adopt. There are no second chances after you've signed away your parental rights. I can understand how you are feeling. I had regrets and wanted to change my mind, but I really felt like I would hurt the adoptive parents too much if I called the adoption off. While I do believe that adoption has been a good thing for everyone involved, I wish I had listened to my gut. Many adoptive parents I have talked to have said that they would not have wanted to parent a child who's first mother had real regrets and wanted to parent, but felt obligated in some way. ((((HUGS))))
__________________
Tara May Open Adoption Birthmother to T. February 13, 2000 Forum Moderator of the: Unplanned Pregnancy Forums   Check out my blog and read the progress of "The Little One" www.taramayrn.wordpress.com
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#3
01-31-2008, 02:31 PM
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I am an adoptive mom and I cannot emphasize enough that you should not place your baby out of concern for the adoptive parents feelings. You should only do it if you are absoltely sure it is what you want to do, and only after really exploring how you would parent. You owe it to yourself and your baby to fully explore your parenting options.
Will the adoptive parents feel sad? Yes, they will. They might even be a little hurt and mad. But it is not your responsibility to provide a child for them. And believe me, in retrospect every adoptive parent wants to know the decision was made willingly. I don't want to pass judgement on this family because you said you like them very much, but at this point they should not be having a baby shower. This is your baby and yours alone unless and until you sign the TPR papers. I am sure many of the women here will suggest you get some counseling from an objective source (not an adoption agency) also. You will receive lots of helpful advice here and I wish you the very best in making your decision. Ohh...also, don't pressure yourself to make the decision now!! You should allow yourself to make your decision after your baby is born. That can change everything. Last edited by portlowski : 01-31-2008 at 02:35 PM.
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#4
01-31-2008, 02:48 PM
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Great point - portlowski - it isn't your job to provide them with a baby, or happiness for that matter. It is your job to make the right decision for you and your baby.
__________________
Tara May Open Adoption Birthmother to T. February 13, 2000 Forum Moderator of the: Unplanned Pregnancy Forums Check out my blog and read the progress of "The Little One" www.taramayrn.wordpress.com
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#5
01-31-2008, 03:07 PM
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I'm an adoptive mom also and I completely agree with portlowski. Do not place your baby with this family simply because you feel responsible for their happiness. This is YOUR child and YOUR decision. You need to do what's best for you and your little one.
Of course they'll be hurt if you decide to parent. But they'll survive it. My husband and I suffered a failed placement and went on to become deliriously happy parents just nine months later. As for your family that are "out of the loop," they'll get over it. What's the worst that could happen? They'd get angry? You can handle that if you feel confident of your decision to parent your child. Hang in there, okay? And keep us posted on what you decide. Hugs to you and your baby!
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#6
01-31-2008, 03:12 PM
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Quote:
I am an adoptive parent. And from my perspective, you really need to put your concerns for the prospective family aside and make the decision whether to parent your child or not SOLELY on you and your desire and will to parent. As it sounds, you want to parent your child so that is what you should do. If it were me, I would deeply regret the placement of a child in my home if I found out later that the only reason a mother placed her child in my family was because she felt obligated to do so. That would absolutely rip my heart out. From my perspective, placing solely for that reason would be a huge disservice to the prospective family and even more importantly to you and your child. Will the prospective family be sad? Most likely they would. But it isn't your job to make them parents or make their dreams come true. That should not be a reason for placing a child in another family. As for your family, I would let them know as soon as possibly your situation. I've heard over and over again that the fear in these situations (and I've experienced this too, in other situations in my life) often outweigh the reality of the reaction you receive. I hope they are supportive. And another thing to consider is this... really, you don't HAVE to make this decision final now. You have a few weeks left of your pregnancy and until you meet your child, until he or she is in your arms, you won't really be able to make a decision. I hope that you give yourself some time (both for you and for your family), set aside what you feel as obligation to the prospective parents, and do what YOU feel is best for you and your child.
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#7
01-31-2008, 06:18 PM
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DValentine, please understand that you do not have to make any decision now. Also (i am an amom), you have no responsibility to the potential a parents and (I know how hard it is as a caring person) that should NOT be a factor in your decision to place or not.
I can say that (even if it is hard), if you can "communicate" somehow to the a parents that you are not sure and that you are "leaning" towards parenting, that may make it "easier" for them. DD's birth mom was extremely adamant in her decision to place....she was even "mad" when DH had not bought me a mother's day gift while SHE was expecting. I always told her that her child was not my child until she said so and signed the papers to say so. And I know to this day how hard it was for her to do that... Anyway, big hugs to you and follow your heart...also, if you can talk to someone (a therapist, etc.), I would strongly encourage you to do so. Good luck! Last edited by loveajax : 01-31-2008 at 06:26 PM.
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#8
02-01-2008, 02:28 AM
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DValentine, if you have any reservations at all you should not place. This is not a decision that should ever be made when there is ambivilence. Bring your baby home. Love and nurture him or her. Then if you still feel that placing is the best decision, seek out placement options.
Like the others said you do not owe anyone your baby. You do owe your baby a loving home. It sounds as if you can give that to him.
__________________
Brenda Romanchik Insight: Open Adoption Resources & Support
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#9
02-01-2008, 03:56 AM
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i'm with the others!!!!!!!
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#10
02-01-2008, 04:40 AM
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My daughter had an unplanned pregnancy when she was in college. She also considered adoption and was talking to a couple. Although they were not officially matched, the couple did have their hopes up. In her 7th month, she expressed doubts about wanting to go through with an adoption. As a family, we helped her explore parenting her son and put off adoption discussion until after her son was born. She never looked back and is a wonderful mother. Yes, the couple was hurt. My daughter did apologize in writing (they never responded). But, their hurt was nothing in comparison to the hurt that my daughter would have endured for her entire life had she given in to the pressure to give up her son and lost him forever.
There are services available to help you with your child. You should explore them now so that you are prepared to care for your child when he/she is born. If you are feeling that you want to parent your child now, those feelings will intensify a million times when you see and hold your baby. Under no circumstances should you place your child if you do not want to. It is not selfish to be a mother to your own child. Naturally, the couple will feel hurt and will grieve, however, you do not have an obligation to make them parents. It is far kinder to them to put the adoption plan on hold now then to wait until after your baby is born. Yes, it is always hard to tell parents, especially if you know that they will be upset. However, your child is also your father's grandchild. He will probaly eventually come around to adore his grandbaby. If you have doubts, I feel that it is best for all to put off the adoption plans and wait until after the birth of your child and you have had at least a few weeks after birth to recover. Happy G'Ma
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#11
02-01-2008, 07:12 AM
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dvalentine - I agree with so many of the earlier posts. I am a birthmom. I was 17 when my son was born. I have been through a lot of what you named. My parents gave me passive-aggressive support that ended up with my child being placed with my dad's cousin. It's a huge mess. I wish I would have fought them. I was deluded to think turning 18 would give me some rights, and I could get my son back. (it was only 3 weeks later). None of that was true, and 19 years later, I can tell you this incident was the biggest mistake of MY life. The duress I felt by my parents or by making the prospective adoptive parents happy did not matter at all. If you think you can do it - GO FOR IT. There are resources to help you raise your child. Your family will likely get over it. In my opinion, families have one set of actions for their embarrasment caused by their single-pregnant teenager and another for the sweet little baby.
I do not think you should concern yourself with the fact that there have been 3 showers for the prospective adoptive mother. Things happen. There have been plenty of pregnant women that do not even have showers until their child is born because they know very sad things can and do happen, and they do not want to have the joy of the shower until they have the child. For them to "jump the gun" so to speak should not pressure you. Many mothers have said they either could not have other children or have decided not to have other children after their placement experience. If that is a concern of yours, I think you need to think about that too. This should be all about what is best for your baby and for you. Nothing else matters. The resources for you to care for your child are out there, it may just be logistics in connecting with them. Good luck to you!!!!!
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#12
02-01-2008, 08:13 AM
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100% agree...
Ditto to what everyone said...
Happygmoms made a great suggestion! Look for the services in your area, take a parenting class, build a support system, get prepared. The more you do now, the less busy you will be after the baby is born.... I also encourage you to talk to your school and figure out a way to graduate early or reduce your class load but still graduate on time (if you haven't already). If you talk to them, most schools are more than willing to work with you and provide options. Don't give up on school... And finally, don't think you have to give up on your dreams or even change them just because you want to parent. You can be and do whatever you want in life and still be a mommy ... Take the time to explore all your options... Best of luck!
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#13
02-01-2008, 08:17 AM
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As all the others have said, I also encourage you to look at your parenting options. I'm a birth mom, and from what I've seen on these forums and elsewhere, if you have any doubt about this adoption dont do it.
It is not your responsiblity to make the potential Aparents in parents. Although they are probably wonderful people, they really should not have had baby showers for your baby... because it is still YOUR baby! Explore the many programs available to help you as a single mother. I'm sure you'll do great as a mom! Good luck.
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#14
02-02-2008, 07:37 AM
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Just wanted to say thanks for responding, and everyone's help has given me alot to think about.
 Yesterday I got another e-mail from the aparents, detailing on how much they've gotten so far. I'm starting to think that (possibly subconsiously) they're trying to pressure me into not being able to back out. Everyone keeps telling me that i'm 'too nice', because I can't even imagine telling these people if I back out, no matter how much I want it...
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#15
02-02-2008, 07:49 AM
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Quote:
This does sound like a lot of pressure on you right now. One thing that might help for you is to not think of them as "aparents" as they are not that yet. IANd I would encourage you, if you feel you need it, to let them know that you need some space right now, especially in these last weeks of the pregnancy. And I would specifically let them know that you don't need to be hearing all about their preparation and excitement in a time when you are making this very tough and life-altering decision for you and your child. I am so sorry you are feeling pressure. I hope you find a way to say what you really want. This is THE time that you need to do it. They should know that this is not as simple as "you've made your decision already and they are going to be parents when your baby is here". Because it isn't that simple. You deserve (and YOUR child deserves) time and space to not only make this decision for yourself, but for you to have the experience of pregnancy that is yours, not the prospective parents. ANd if they don't know this about a potential match (because that is what this is... you are NOT committed on ANY level to placing your child with them) then they need to do some reading or get some counseling about adoption. And if you haven't already, I would encourage you to find an independent counselor (my agency was very good at being there and helping the expectant parents during this time, but not every agency is) or someone who can help you voice your needs and wants in this situation.
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