[cottonwood9]

I've got a question about the best way to approach an adoption agency when considering giving up a child (or children) for adoption. I'm 17 weeks pregnant with twins. I thought I could raise one child on my own, but not twins. Yesterday I found out they were boys, and now I'm really doubting my ability to raise them without a father. I'm 24. I've got a good job, but I travel all the time. The father is a guy I met on a business trip. It was stupid, I didn't know him that well. I know he's the father but I don't have any way of contacting him.

Adoption's been in the back of my mind ever since I found out i was pregnant. My Dad's adopted, and my grandparents are the greatest, I'd like to find those kind of parents to raise my sons, but finding the right agency and adoptive parents is freaking me out. I've spent hours going through the adoptive parent profile websites. Every profile makes couples seem like the perfect parents, but anyone can sound good on paper. How do you trust an agency enough to know they've really screened people? Can you really trust the information listed there or are they just saying what they think birthmothers would want to hear?

Being pregnant is making me serious. I know can't be irresponsible again. I don't think I can provide a good enough life for them as a single mother, money's my biggest concern. What's really bugging me is that when I read stuff online about adoption, there's always so much about adoption financing and tax credits for adoption, it seems like adoptive parents really can't afford the process. How do you know if adoptive parents could really afford raising twins? Would an agency really be honest about something like that? I don't want to give them up to a family who's struggling more than I am.

Adoption seemed much easier until I looked into it. Now I'm worried and the process seems so complicated. I don't want to waste an agency's time until I'm 100% committed. I've gotta figure out what the perfect family would be and which agency would be right. I really worry an agency might pressure me into picking a family I don't like. I almost wonder if maybe I need a lawyer looking out for me in the process, or would that be weird?

Sorry if this is rambling. I've been up all night thinking about this. I want adoption to be the solution, but I also don't want to do this just because it's easier than being responsible.

[SchmennaLeigh]

A) Adoption is not an irresponsible act and I take offense to it being referred to as such.

B) I agree that staying away from an agency until you've fully researched the topic would benefit you and your children the most. They know how to draw mothers in and keep them there. Most will not provide you with ample information about parenting. That's all up to you. So you need to do the research now. What state do you live in? Open adoption is not legally enforceable in all states which means that the adoptive family can close the adoption without warning or reason. You need to know these things and, again, most agencies aren't forthcoming with this kind of information.

C) If financial aspects are your main reason for placement, you need to look into state funded assistance that IS available for you to use to get back on your feet.

D) Single mothers raise boys by themselves everyday. My Son has an everyday dad but the bond that we have as mother and son is absolutely AMAZING. The same for my Husband and his mom. Moms and sons rock.

[cottonwood9]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

A) Adoption is not an irresponsible act and I take offense to it being referred to as such.

I didn't mean to offend anyone. It's just that I already feel totally irresponcible for getting pregnant in the first place. I don't want adoption to be the easy way out because I'm too embarrased to admit to my family I was involved with a guy I barely knew. Or to relinquish them to someone without really researching things fully. I don't want them to come find me when they're 18 and say they had a horrible life because of me.

B) I agree that staying away from an agency until you've fully researched the topic would benefit you and your children the most. They know how to draw mothers in and keep them there. Most will not provide you with ample information about parenting. That's all up to you. So you need to do the research now. What state do you live in? Open adoption is not legally enforceable in all states which means that the adoptive family can close the adoption without warning or reason. You need to know these things and, again, most agencies aren't forthcoming with this kind of information.

Thanks for the info. I'd like to do open adoption, it'd be terrible if the adoptive family just lied and closed the adoption. I'm in California now, but I don't think that's where I'll be when they're are born.

C) If financial aspects are your main reason for placement, you need to look into state funded assistance that IS available for you to use to get back on your feet.

Financial's part of it. I want a career and a life, and I don't know where taking care of twins would fit into that. I'm not the type of person who would ever consider state assistance.

D) Single mothers raise boys by themselves everyday. My Son has an everyday dad but the bond that we have as mother and son is absolutely AMAZING. The same for my Husband and his mom. Moms and sons rock.

Wouldn't sons want to know about their father? I just don' t know how I'd ever explain to them that their father was someone I didn't know well enough to get a real phone number. How would they ever have any respect for me once they were old enough to understand? I just keep imaging they'd grow up have a whole in their hearts wishing for a father in their life. For some reason, I thought a daughter would understand. I'm not sure a son would.

[ourdreamcametru]

I'm both a bio mom and an adoptive mom. My two bio children are boys and I can tell you that the bond between boys and their moms is unreal, I am close to my daughter but there is something special about the bond between mothers and sons. Second, your sons will not hold the fact that you didn't know their father against you if you love them and raise them to know that they were wanted and loved. Think this through and don't make any speedy decisions just because you "think" it's right. You sound like a very responsable person who just made a wrong decision. To me it almost sounds like you are choosing adoption as a punishment to yourself because you did wrong. Don't do this to yourself I'm sure your family would stand by you and help you raise these little blessings. Good luck and keep us posted on what you decide.

[Rondidondi]

Not wanting to go on assistance is understandable, however, keep in mind that recieving assistance does not mean you will be on it forever. I currently recieve some daycare assistance. I work full-time and am looking forward to the day I may not need it again. I don't like being on it, but I know I'm not just "abusing" it by sitting on my butt.
Whether you parent or place these boys, you will probably be faced with the "who's our dad?" question. I believe your boys would respect the truth. It's what happened and you can't change that now.
As far as being a single mom to boys Don't worry about that! I have 3 boys, I'm surviving and they are doing just fine too. Instead of playing with Barbies, we play with cars, collect bugs and have sword fights. Boys are AWESOME. Don't let the gender of these child decide whether you parent or not. Would it make a difference to you if they were girls?

[Vogi2002]

I just wanted to give you a big hug. Don't be so hard on yourself I can't tell you what to do, but either way you can find great support here!

[SchmennaLeigh]

Some things:

And Rondi said, you don't have to be on assistance forever. In fact, I don't suggest it. It was put in place to help people get back on their feet and there is NO SHAME in using it to do such.

As for the whole the boys wouldn't respect you but a daughter would. Uh, I think it's more a personality thing maybe? When I found out that my mom was pregnant with me when she got married, I was angry and used it against her for years. My brother? Pfft. He could care less about things like that. So is that gender? Or just our personalities? I can't give you an honest answer there. Sorry!

[josh1788smom]

Adoption is totally not the "easy way out". Adoption changes families and alters lives forever. There is nothing easy about it. I agree with doing the research, etc. I am a birthmom, and I have to tell you, I had no idea half the things that would even come up later in my life. Keep researching. Good luck to you!

[taramayrn]

Welcome! Congratulations on your pregnancy and the twins. First off, as a moderator here on this site you need to know this is not a matching site. So, it is against our rules for someone to contact you wanting to adopt your babies. If you receive anything like that please forward it to either myself or one of the other moderators.

As for adoption being the easy way out, it isn't. If you chose adoption you will find out quickly that it isn't. The pain of losing your children does not go away, you will never get over it. I do believe that with good counselling (unbiased before and after) and if you are truly secure in your decision, that you can learn to encorporate the loss into your life.

Do your research, talk with mothers and fathers who have placed their children, learn the laws in your area. Be an active participant in this process.

Also, take your time. That's the one thing I wish I would have done. I felt so rushed and felt like my due date was a due date for finding parents. I would have felt much more secure in my decision had I taken my time and maybe even taken my baby home for a few days to be a mom and say goodbye to him, but instead I felt rushed and not ready to say goodbye.

Best of luck!

[Amyie]

I would like to echo all the good advice given so far.

I, too, relinquished my son without realizing how devastating it would be to the rest of my life. Visit the boards often, read many different stories so that you can get as many perspectives as possible and find a good counseling program. Never forget that this decision is never one that should be made in haste for the effects of your decision, either way, will be lifelong.

I would also like to take a moment to advocate for the father's side since not much was mentioned. I know you know very little about him, but even if all you know is his name and city where he lives (or lives near) you can zabasearch him to locate him. I realize that you hardly knew him, but he can help you if you decide to parent your twins. Financially, anyway, he doesn't have a choice.

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by cottonwood9

I've got a question about the best way to approach an adoption agency when considering giving up a child (or children) for adoption.

There are some pregnancy services that are available where you won't be pressured into adoption. The Gabriel Project (available from Catholic churches in your area is one of them). They will assist you in any way they can but they are not an adoption agency. They will provide you with counseling, assistance with any pregnancy related issues, and if you decide to parent your boys, they can provide help getting you started. If you decide to adopt, they will continue to work with you while you are working with an agency.
*You don't have to be Catholic!


It's important to have someone on your side who is looking out for you. An adoption lawyer makes his/her money when you place your child so he/she may NOT be looking out for your best needs. Same with an agency. They are losing money unless you place with them.

You need someone who won't pressure you to place the babies. The Gabriel Project, or non-profit adoption agencies that provide services to pregnant women who aren't sure about placing would be best for you. My youngest daughter was adopted from a non-profit agency in New York that provides help & counseling even though most parents decide to raise their babies. For the 10 to 12% that choose adoption, they provide adoption services & post adoption services including support groups for birthparents. That is the kind of agency you need to look for. If you're in NY or the NY area, PM me and I'll send you the name of the agency.

Best of luck to you and the babies. I hope things work out.

[MNStarr]

I don't know if you are looking for advice from an adoptive mom but thought I could at least tell you what we were told from agencies from the other prospective.

We were told to compile a mini scrap book or a parent profile. They said it was best to include photos of ourselves and pets and really get as creative as we wanted. I do know that they had someone that would help guide you as to what pictures to use or different layouts. Also if your profile was not looked at for several months they encourage you to change it. I *think* most adoptive parents try to showcase a wide spectrum of who they are in hopes of catching expectant moms attention. I know some we looked at showed a lot of vacation pictures, wedding pictures, pets, mentioning a brief description of jobs and that sort of thing.

We adopted internationally which can have more cost involved, that is where most people depend or hope to be able to use the tax credit. While we really hoped to be able to use the tax credit it in no way reflected on our ability to financially support our daughter. I'm not sure if that makes sense but I wouldn't assume people can not raise a child on that alone. Agencies should look at adoptive parents financial statements as well. We had to submit the last 12 months bank records as well as list our debt. So there is some screening.

Most agencies should have counseling available and not try to sway you one way or another. Or you could look/ ask for your own counseling as well. You should have someone looking out for your best interests as well.

Also read up on the different types of adoption and see what you are looking for if you decide to place. Open, semi open, if certain things in adoptive parents are more important than others. We were told that expecting moms may want to place within their own religion while others didn't really have a preference.

Please look at all your options before deciding. Even if you have to get some sort of aid or assistance it would more than likely be temporary. Adoption isn't an easy way out, its a tough decision. Best of luck to you and feel free to ask or Pm me if you have any specific questions of things we were asked or told.

[taramayrn]

I forgot to mention that you have a right to see a couple's homestudy. I was offered the homestudies of those couples who I wished to learn more about. I have also heard of some moms who were not allowed to see the homestudies. But yes, you have a right to see them.