[taramayrn]

Cottonwood - I will agree with a few posters. Yes it is ultimately your decision and if YOU want to parent or place your babies then it's up to YOU regardless of what your parents think.

However - I think it's really important to have the support of your family. To me it would be important.

Best of luck. I hope you will tell your family and I hope they will support you in whatever decision you make.

[princess35126]

I agree with the others, you should definitely tell your parents their reaction might really surprise you. In the end you need to do what you feel is best for yourself and your boys, don't let anyone push you into doing something you are unsure of. If you decide to place your boys or parent them yourself, there are no gaurantees about finances- life happens. My husband and I are hoping to adopt and had to have a home study which includes checking our finances, both income and debt. I am not sure what the home study requirements for other states, but if we didn't have enough income to pay our bills and have what our state feels is adequate to support a child left we would not have been approved. I know when we did our profile, we tried to write from the heart and be completely honest because that is how we would like to be treated. I am sure their are some out there who are less than honest, but I would like to think there are more good than bad. Please remember just because you talk to an attorney, an agency, or even potential parents you don't owe them anything. Good luck with your decision and please take your time making it. Take care and God bless.

[thediva320]

Just curious, but congrats on ur pregnancy. But I was wondering how u found out you were having boys so early. When I was pregnant my doctor told me I couldn't find out before 20-21 weeks.

[cottonwood9]

Originally Posted by princess35126

I agree with the others, you should definitely tell your parents their reaction might really surprise you.

My parents believe in adoption, not single parents raising children alone. My Dad's adopted, I know his views on this subject. I know exactly what they would say and they wouldn't be supportive. If I raise the twins myself, they'd think I'm throwing my life away, they paid for my education, they expect me to be successful, if I don't live up to those expectations, I'll be letting them down, right when it seemed I finally had things together and they were actually proud of me.

I have 3 older sisters, we've always been really competitive amongst ourselves, 2 of my sisters are already married, they've got kids, they're leading perfectly respectable lives that my mom likes to brag about at church. I don't know if I'm prepared to be the black sheep, nor am I sure what my boys would experience growing up when my family's beliefs are so traditional and conservative. If I raise the twins, my family would be part of their lives, I have to consider that, and I'm not sure if my family would be a positive influence on their lives. I'm worried my family would make the boys feel the same sense of shame about how they were conceived and raised that I feel now. I don't want my boys to have to feel ashamed that they don't have a father or feel less than my nieces and nephews who's come from traditional two parent homes. I don't think my parents would treat the twins the same as my sisters' kids. They were good at paying my sisters and I against each other when we were young, I think they'd do the same thing with our kids. Maybe this just means I'd have to move very far away, but counting on my parents' support is completely out of the question.

Only thing my parents would be happy about is that I didn't choose to have an abortion. They're extremely pro-life, I guess some of that rubbed off on me. My friends are very pro choice, they don't get why I'm even in this situation. At some point, my parents might be proud of me for trying to do the right thing, right now, I think they'd just be really embarrassed and disappointed, and they wouldn't think I had any option but adoption. I just can't deal with that kind of pressure right now, my family can be kinda overwhelming in situations like this, especially with the religious stuff that I really don't believe in.

[bromanchik]

Please know this. These babies you are carrying are your family. They will be around longer than your parents, longer than your older sisters. As hard as I know it is to seperate yourself emotionally from our parents and our siblings while making this decision, you need to do this. It is your life, not theirs.

The bottom line is that you cannot live your life or make decision based on how others will feel about it. You must do what is right for you and your babies at this point.

One other thing. True Christians embrace love in all forms. If they do not embrace your children than they are not living the live they claim to believe in.

[loveajax]

Cottonwood, your parents sound very much like mine (very conservative, judgmental Catholics)....I just wanted to say though that in situations where I thought my parents would "let me down," they actually turned out to be very supportive.

Having an unplanned pregnancy is not an "immoral" act.

Give yourself time to explore all your options, including parenting. I had an aunt who was a single mom and struggled financially and then WHAM! met this great guy, married and they are now millionaires. I know it's hard when you don't have a "crystal ball" to make decisions....but I would hate to see you make an adoption plan for your boys out of fear of letting your family down. If it is because it is what YOU want to do and think is best, that's obviously OK too.

Good luck and congrats on your boys!

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by bromanchik

Please know this. These babies you are carrying are your family. They will be around longer than your parents, longer than your older sisters. As hard as I know it is to seperate yourself emotionally from our parents and our siblings while making this decision, you need to do this. It is your life, not theirs.

The bottom line is that you cannot live your life or make decision based on how others will feel about it. You must do what is right for you and your babies at this point.

One other thing. True Christians embrace love in all forms. If they do not embrace your children than they are not living the live they claim to believe in.

This is so true, these are YOUR children, as you are the child of your parents. If you are in a postion to care for your children, do not give them away. In most cases it is far bettter that your babies stay with you. They are your first family, the next generation within your family.

You will have the same feelings for your babies that your parents had when you were born. How they came to this world is less important then how much love they can bring.

I have to say, it does NOT matter if you are Christian, Pagan, Buddhist, Muslim, if your parents Love you, they will accept and love your children they way they love you. Religion is only a little part in the human life span.
If they will not accept your babies becasue of their beliefs, then I would question their beliefs.

I can tell you that losing a child to adoption, no matter if it is an open or closed adoption will change you forever.
You cannot undue what will be done.

You said you are 24, in a short time you will be 25, by the time you are 30 your babies will be 5 year old boys.

Five short years. Are you sure you are unable to do this?

What if the unthinkable happens, what if you are never able to carry or give birth to another child? What if this is your only chance?

I was forced by my mother, just after my 16th birthday to give up my newborn son. It was the worst day of my life. I have never gotten completely over it, it affected my life and will forever in one way or another. Yes it was a different time, 1964. Yes, I was too young. But I found it so horrific that I married two weeks before his first birthday 4 days after my 17 birthday. I couldn't live without him and was trying to get pregnant again within 6 months of his birth.

Personally, I would say keep your babies, do what you need to do to keep them. You can find a way. But it isn't my decission, it is yours.

If you cannot, if you find this isn't the right time for you. Then keep them together, do not let someone convince you to separate them to "make two families happy". These babies need to be raised together.

Do not sign any binding agreements until AFTER you give birth, hold, touch, look at your babies. You must say Hello to them before you can say good bye. They will be your babies, not anyone elses until you sign those irrevocable documents. Don't even think of them as someone elses until you have to. Do not let anyone tell you that you cannot do it, if you think you might be able to do it.

In the end you must do what is best for you, best for your babies, NOT what is best for your mom and dad.

I doubt many will tell you not to do it.

Adoption is a permanent solution, to a temporary problem.

If I had been 24 when I got pregnant, it would have been a cold day in hell before anyone took my baby from me.

I am a birthmother from 1964 and we were reunited after 33 years, I held my son for the first time when he was 33
year old. I was not allowed to hold my own baby in the hospital.

Adoption was not always the best thing. My son's adad was an alcoholic, a wife beater, they divorced when son was 8. Adad remarried a woman with 6 kids. The boys in that step family beat him untl he was big enough to fight back. Why, because he wasn't really the adad's kid.

Adoption is not a guarantee for the perfect family, it is not a guarantee of a 2 parent household. Even adoptive parents get divorced.

Yes I know there are many wonderful, great, loving adoptive familys. Many wonderful people out there waiting to be parents.

But this isn't about them, not yet, this is about you and your babies. Yours.

[thereisachance]

I don't know all of your situation but I wanted to say that I know you will make the decision that is right for you & that is what is important here. from North Carolina. You will be okay sista'

Lori K

[happygmom]

Dear Cottonwood,

I would like to chime in as a Catholic grandma whose daughter and 2 1/2 year-old grandson live with her and her very conservative Catholic husband/grandpa. The father of her child deserted her because she refused to have an abortion.

My daughter did not tell us about her pregnancy for a long time because she was afraid that we would be disappointed in her. Yes, she was over 21 but our approval (blessing??) was very important to her. I always thought that I would strongly encourage my daughter to have her child adopted if she became pregnant before she was married. Great idea in the abstract! But when faced with the reality of a real, breathing, kicking grandchild, it would have killed me and my husband to lose our grandson. We were terrified to tell our extended (also conservative Catholic) family. But we were overwhelmed with the love and support that we received from them.

You are over 18, so it is your decision and no, you do not need approval. But having been through this with my daughter, I understand why you feel that you need your family's blessing. Please keep in mind that the rhetoric that you have heard from your parents about adoption are abstract ideas that they have formulated when thinking about the "what if" that all parents think about. It is entirely different when nature tweaks us in the nose and we are faced with the reality of our children experiencing an unplanned preganancy. I think that you need to tell your parents what YOU feel that you and your babies need and give them the opportunity to step up to the reality of their grandchildren.

And my daughter also has the "perfect" older brother married to the "perfect" Catholic girl from the "perfect" Catholic family. My daughter is not thought of or treated like the "black-sheep" in the family. In fact, she is admired for giving her son life and for being a loving and doting mother who provides for her son very well. And we feel blessed to be part of her journey.

With my very best blessings,

Happy G'Ma

[carlybeth]

Have you looked for a crisis pregnancy center in your area??? Their whole goal is to help pregnant women with unexpected pregnancies figure out what to do. They provide counseling and help you through the process but do not do adoptions(so you know they are unbiased), though they can direct you to an agency if that is what you decide. Hang in there!

[Sgt-Pt]

As we are hoping to adopt, I can't say that I blame you for not trusting an agency (or in our case the state). You may want to consider talking to an attorney.

Be warry of the agency's attorneys. Not that any of them would mislead you, but they represent the agency, and to an extent the adoptive family. What you really need is someone who is committed to your best interests. You may even be able to have your attorney fees paid for by the adoptive family. Depends on the state.

If you can find an attorney that you trust and are comfortable with, let him or her help you. A good adoption attorney will know how best to walk you through all of the options and if you chose to adopt, they can greatly simplify the process. Frankly, let them deal with the head aches.

You may even find that with an attorney you don't need to go through an agency. The bar in my state is a very close knit bunch, a good adoption attorney is likely to know other good adoption attorneys who may have clients that fit the type of family you're looking for.

Hope this helps.

[MaggieMay06]

I am so sorry for the struggle that you are dealing with right now and I sincerely hope that you are able to find a solution that will work for you - - for a lifetime. I am an adoptive mom so I can not possibly understand how you are feeling right now, but I would like to try to help anyway.

Originally Posted by cottonwood9

Adoption's been in the back of my mind ever since I found out i was pregnant. My Dad's adopted, and my grandparents are the greatest, I'd like to find those kind of parents to raise my sons, but finding the right agency and adoptive parents is freaking me out. I've spent hours going through the adoptive parent profile websites. Every profile makes couples seem like the perfect parents, but anyone can sound good on paper. How do you trust an agency enough to know they've really screened people? Can you really trust the information listed there or are they just saying what they think birthmothers would want to hear?
To some extent, all adoptive parents are going to say what you want to hear. All I can say is that you should ask for a copy of the home study (they may redact identifying info at first). If they refuse to do this for you, walk away. The home study will give you the real information that you are looking for

Being pregnant is making me serious. I know can't be irresponsible again. I don't think I can provide a good enough life for them as a single mother, money's my biggest concern. What's really bugging me is that when I read stuff online about adoption, there's always so much about adoption financing and tax credits for adoption, it seems like adoptive parents really can't afford the process. How do you know if adoptive parents could really afford raising twins? Would an agency really be honest about something like that? I don't want to give them up to a family who's struggling more than I am.
We all struggle from time to time, but again, the home study can give you an idea of a family's financial situation. They are legal documents that cannot be fudged. As far as the adoptive family having enough money...we don't have a lot of money. We choose to live frugally...on one income. It's more important to us that I stay at home with our son. You've got to decide what's more important to you.

Adoption seemed much easier until I looked into it. Now I'm worried and the process seems so complicated. I don't want to waste an agency's time until I'm 100% committed. The agency gets paid to spend time with you. You are NOT wasting anyone's time.I've gotta figure out what the perfect family would be and which agency would be right. I really worry an agency might pressure me into picking a family I don't like. Find an agency that will offer counseling to you before, during and after at no cost to you. The agency we went through (I'll PM the name to you) will counsel our son's birthmom until our son is 18. It has helped her tremendously. Above all, you are in control. Nobody can make you do anything that you don't want to do.I almost wonder if maybe I need a lawyer looking out for me in the process, or would that be weird? Nope, not weird. Our birthmom had her own lawyer (we paid the fees). We're glad she had someone looking out for her.

Sorry if this is rambling. I've been up all night thinking about this. I want adoption to be the solution, but I also don't want to do this just because it's easier than being responsible.

Adoption is not easy for anyone, especially birthmoms. Follow your heart and carefully consider you options before jumping to a decision. I don't know ya from a hole in the wall, but I do feel for you and wish you the very best!

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by Sgt-Pt

As we are hoping to adopt, I can't say that I blame you for not trusting an agency (or in our case the state). You may want to consider talking to an attorney.

Be warry of the agency's attorneys. Not that any of them would mislead you, but they represent the agency, and to an extent the adoptive family.

Adoption attorneys have the same bias. The bottom line is that there are good and ethical practitioners both in law firms and in agencies. Also, adoption attorneys are not there to give you anything but information on your legal rights. The best thing to do is find an unbiased therapist to explore your options with, research and read on your own. If you need good, unbiased information pm me. I have some things I can give you, others I can recommend.

[Rifilanna]

Originally Posted by carlybeth

Have you looked for a crisis pregnancy center in your area??? Their whole goal is to help pregnant women with unexpected pregnancies figure out what to do. They provide counseling and help you through the process but do not do adoptions(so you know they are unbiased), though they can direct you to an agency if that is what you decide. Hang in there!

Not all crisis pregnancy centers are unbiased, just like agencies and attorneys. Actually, I just did a quick net search, and most crisis pregnancy centers, that I found, have very incomplete "happy only" information on adoption, and some are affiliated with agencies. Many have "qualified only" assistance, and assistance "when available". Some have outright misleading information, that appears to give the expectant parent the idea that they may still have control over decisions in their childs life after the baby is adopted.

[bajj]

This is a reminder to all participating in this thread, we do not allow solicitation and while no rules are being broken yet, it's important to review the rules listed below to ensure we all know how to post accordingly to these types of situations. Thanks!

• No solicitation of parents, ever!: Adoption.com chat rooms, message boards and blogs are NOT places for adoptive parents and adoption professionals to solicit expectant parents. So many people visit the Adoption.com community that potential birthparents get "pounced on" from dozens of different people if this rule is not strictly observed. Adoption.com is committed to making its community of websites, chat rooms and blogs places where potential birthparents feel safe. It is not appropriate for adoption professionals or hopeful parents to post "I can help" messages or Internet addresses for potential birth parents to visit or to send this type of e-mail or private message to potential birth parents.
• Caution to e