[nikkianni]

First, congratulations on your boys!
I've never posted on "this side" before because as an aparent I just kind of feel funny. But I'd like to give you a little insight into some of the issues you mentioned.
First: I have twin brothers and while they love our Dad, they are far closer to our Mom. I agree that a male role model is important for any child, but the mom/son connection can be just as important.
Second, Money and adoptive parents: There are no ironclad absolutes in adoptive parent income. Some of us save for years to afford adoption, others don't. I can only give you a personal example. Our agency required proof of income and outgo as part of the home study process. We, like most of the adoptive parents I know, both have jobs that allow us to own a home, each have a car, take vacations, etc. Nothing extravagant, but a good life. I think a previous poster mentioned this, but none of it is gauranteed. People get laid off, companies close, etc. So while a potential adoptive couple may seem stable today, tomorrow could be a different story.
Money and you: I've never been in your shoes and I wouldn't try to put myself in them. You're the best judge of your own situation. But as others have said, public assistance of any kind is not a shameful thing. If it helps you accomplish what you need to, that's what it's meant to do.
Aparent Pofiles: Everyone does sound great on paper and to be honest, we all spend a LOT of time trying to write something that puts our best foot forward. There are whole books dedicated to how to write a profile. If you do come to the point where you're looking at profiles, stop and call couples or even meet with them when possible. Everything is at your pace and your discretion.

[idaho]

Hi! I put up a kid for adoption 21 years ago in California. I (and the guy who knocked me up) went through a private lawyer for an "open" adoption. The lawyer maintained his neutrality throughout the proceedings and made that part not trying. The things that were in my control that I didn't realize at the time, and if I had to do it again would be more careful with were:

Take your time. Don't feel rushed.

Meet with and interview as many potential parents as you want. Don't feel like you're wasting anyone's time. You've got a gift to give and it's your right to take the time to find the right parents. I regret my selection of parents -- they acted one way until they got their grubby little hands on the kid and then they showed their true nature. They were the only couple I interviewed, and I really wish I had AT LEAST interviewed "the fat couple who liked dogs". Even now I sometimes feel like I should have exerted my six-month option to take the kid back and give him to someone else. Interview away, and don't make a decision until you've met as many as you want.

Ultimately, go with your gut on choosing parents. I didn't, and I am living to regret it.

Oh, and if you're at all worried that adoptive parents wouldn't want twins, that so probably ain't gonna be a problem. People looking to adopt have been wanting children for a long long time, and especially knowing ahead of time what the deal is, you should be able to find parents who really want the two-for-one option. I regret that my kid turned out to be an only child -- I envy you that that won't happen!

And finally, often family and friends will surprise you with their support. But not always.

Good luck!

[shae961]

please please look into all your options. My daughter is adopted. We have a very open adoption with her mom and I would not have it any other way. My daughter birthmom had a very hard time with it. But she knew in her heart that she could not take care of her. If you do choose adoption read read read. When we got our daughter I told her birthmom to come to our house and see it and that she was more then welcome to come here anytime. She has only been here a couple times she know what she did was give her daughter a chance at life. Good luck with whatever you do.

[aclee]

First off a huge congrats on your pregnancy! Second, I would like to weigh in on the concern about an adopting families financial situation. My husband and I are planning to adopt. We just started the whole process, and it moves quite quickly. We do "well", we are on the younger side, he is just 30 and I'm 29 (for the rest of my life I like to say). We own our own home (well the bank and us together!), we take good care of our animals, we both have car payments...the whole kit and caboodle. Combined we are over 6 figures...so we aren't buying a summer home or anything, but we more than get by. That being said, we are in the building portion of our lives. We DON'T have 20K+ sitting in the bank waiting for us to use it on adoption. We actually have very little in savings since we max out my husband profit sharing each month (similar to a 401K)...we are building. We make improvements on our home (build in 1850's...we have a MAUVE bathroom!), we invest in ourselves, and then stuff we need, so just because we may look to finance our adoption, or be thrilled we'll be able to take a tax deduction on it does not in anyway mean that we would struggle with what an infant (or infants) would need. Is there a guarentee? Not really..but there is plenty of back-up. We have good credit, and plenty of things we could borrow against. I would encourage you to look at the big picture as others have suggested. Just because a couple doesn't have loads of cash sitting in the bank to pay for all the adoption expenses, does not mean that they don't have financial plans to keep a child (or children in your case) secure. For me, the more indepth the questions about our lives that an expectant mom asked us, the happier I would be. I think it gives potential adopting couples more of a chance to really show you who they are, and what they are about. No one can really completely portray themselves in a few pages with a couple of documents. Ask the questions...you'll find the right people, or you won't...and maybe that will be your answer too. Best of Luck for a healthy and happy pregnancy.

[jerseygray]

The father deserves to know regardless.

[EZ2Luv]

I just want to chime in once again. No matter who you choose to parent your babies, just remember that there are NO GUARENTEES. Life happens, people places and things change. Couple divorce and your babies might end up being raised by a single parent. People lose jobs, finances deteriorate, and people go bancrupt, so you babies might end up living in poverty. People relocate, so though you might be in an open adoption, your babies might end up being raised half way around the world or even worse the couple can seem to fall off the face of the earth. So you see, any thing can happen.

I am not wanting to scare you, I just want you to see the reality of it. What you see as the "Perfect Couple" today, might be the worst choice tomorrow.
You need to ask yourself if these are things you would be willing to live with if in the future they did indeed happen.
What I have seen IRL is all to often is many time emoms see themselfs as inadequate to parent and there is few that are willing to point out that they not only can parent but would be great parents. That is why it is very important to realize that all the things preventing you from paernting can very much happen to the people you choose to parent your babies.

One more thing, please, even if you do go to an agency or interview PAPs, DO NOT feel that you are obligated or owe anyone your babies. Sometimes emoms are made to feel obligated to give them your baby/babies. I will say it again, YOU DO NOT OWE ANYONE YOUR BABY/BABIES.
Research and research some more, know what your rights are, know what resourses are out there to help you to parent. Just because you may neeed some help does not mean that you will need that help forever, remember, things change.

I pray that you find peace in whatever you decide.

Good Luck and God Bless,

EZ

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by cottonwood9

I've got a question about the best way to approach an adoption agency when considering giving up a child (or children) for adoption. I'm 17 weeks pregnant with twins. I thought I could raise one child on my own, but not twins. Yesterday I found out they were boys, and now I'm really doubting my ability to raise them without a father. I'm 24. I've got a good job, but I travel all the time. The father is a guy I met on a business trip. It was stupid, I didn't know him that well. I know he's the father but I don't have any way of contacting him.

Adoption's been in the back of my mind ever since I found out i was pregnant. My Dad's adopted, and my grandparents are the greatest, I'd like to find those kind of parents to raise my sons, but finding the right agency and adoptive parents is freaking me out. I've spent hours going through the adoptive parent profile websites. Every profile makes couples seem like the perfect parents, but anyone can sound good on paper. How do you trust an agency enough to know they've really screened people? Can you really trust the information listed there or are they just saying what they think birthmothers would want to hear?

Being pregnant is making me serious. I know can't be irresponsible again. I don't think I can provide a good enough life for them as a single mother, money's my biggest concern. What's really bugging me is that when I read stuff online about adoption, there's always so much about adoption financing and tax credits for adoption, it seems like adoptive parents really can't afford the process. How do you know if adoptive parents could really afford raising twins? Would an agency really be honest about something like that? I don't want to give them up to a family who's struggling more than I am.

Adoption seemed much easier until I looked into it. Now I'm worried and the process seems so complicated. I don't want to waste an agency's time until I'm 100% committed. I've gotta figure out what the perfect family would be and which agency would be right. I really worry an agency might pressure me into picking a family I don't like. I almost wonder if maybe I need a lawyer looking out for me in the process, or would that be weird?

Sorry if this is rambling. I've been up all night thinking about this. I want adoption to be the solution, but I also don't want to do this just because it's easier than being responsible.

A lawyer, a counselor, talk to adoptees, birthmothers, and insist both babies go to the same home.

It is hard enough to be a single adoptee, but emotionally to find out you were separated from a twin, someone who looks like you.. I can't imagine.

Make no promises to anyone about giving up the babies until you see them, hold them. You may change your mind. Do not disconnect from your pregnancy and babies while you are carrying them. There is some views that it affects babies in utero can feel if the mother doesn't love or want them.

Find a way to make the adoption open. It will give you some peace to see the children are well, happy and loved.

At 24 almost 25, your are responsible, you can do it if you set your mind to it.

I married at 17 and did fine, not perfect but I was able.

These are your children. But if you really don't want to do this do as much research as possible.

good luck

[cottonwood9]

Originally Posted by jerseygray

The father deserves to know regardless.

I wanted to clear this up, that this isn't possible.

I know who the father is, but I haven't a clue how to contact him. We met at a hotel, we were both traveling for business. It was just a casual relationship, I knew him for less than a week. I assumed he was married, so I didn't ask too many questions. He told me his name and the company he worked for. It wasn't suppose to be a serious relationship, I was lonely, I know it was stupid.

When I found out I was pregnant, I called the company he said he worked for, they hadn't heard of him and none of their sales directors matched his description. I used the usual people search services, I couldn't find him. Nothing he told me about himself was true. I don't know if a private detective could find this guy, or if it'd be worth it, I don't want to be the 'other woman'. And I know whatever I decide, I don't want him to have a say in the twins' lives. It's my decision, not his.

[cottonwood9]

Thanks for everyone's replies. I have a lot to think about. I'm trying to look at both sides, both for and against adoption.

Things would get complicated if I decided to keep the twins. I wouldn't qualify for assistance, I guess that's a good thing. I would have to change jobs, I couldn't do what I do and be a single mom, and the company I work for isn't family friendly at all, I've already been talking to an attorney about my rights regarding maternity leave etc. I'm expecting problems.

I still think that adoption might be the best option. It's definitely what my parents would tell me to do. I haven't told them, and I don't want to, especially if I choose adoption. My parents are devote Catholics who believe in two parent families. They would not support me if I decided to raise the twins myself. I'm not sure I completely disagree with them either. I liked the way I grew up, I want my sons to have that kind of a life, there's something to the stability of having two parents where the mother can stay at home full time. I don't want to be the type of parent who just dumps their kids at day care all day. I already feel guilty now, I can't imagine how guilty I'd feel if I'm not the parent I'd want to be.

I'm going to keep looking into adoption agencies and learning as much as I can about the process. I want to be as educated about this as I can. In my head, I keep going back and forth. This morning I woke up thinking I was insane to want to raise them by myself. Now, I'm worried that if I give them up, it'll be a decision I always regret.

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by cottonwood9

My parents are devote Catholics who believe in two parent families. They would not support me if I decided to raise the twins myself.

We're Catholic as well. When my sister got pregnant after a one-night-stand, she was scared to death that my mother would disown her. My mother always taught us that sex outside of marriage is sinful and my sister was worried my mother would be ashamed of her. When she finally got the nerve to tell my mom, my mother was actually relieved. She knew something was wrong and what she was imagining was much worse than a pregnancy. She told my sister that babies are a gift from God and supported her throughout the pregnancy and the post-part depression.

Until you tell your parents, you really don't know how they'll react. They may surprise you and be very supportive during your pregnancy. And whether you decide to place the babies for adoption or raise them alone, your parents can be a huge source of comfort and support.

Take a deep breath and tell them. Quick-before you change your mind. Even if they are angry at first, they'll get over it. They love you. They'll want to help you.

Also, contact the Gabriel Project at your church. They can provide you with counseling and might even be able to support you as you tell your parents.

[SchmennaLeigh]

If you're over 18, you don't really need the "approval" of your parents to do anything. These are not their children. They are yours. Regardless of their religious beliefs, this is your decision to make. Furthermore, many a grandparent that was dead set on their child's pregnancy comes around, and quickly, after the birth of a baby. Not all, mind you, but so many. The stories are countless, really.

[Vogi2002]

Ouch Jenna...that came across as a little harsh!

Remember that sometimes it IS important to girls what thier parents think and can be a hard hurdle to cross...


To the OP: ((((hugs)))) My parents are also strict devout catholic and I can tell you that, at least mine, would not have disowned me...it may take some time, and things might be said, but eventually a lot of them (all of them that I know as a matter of fact) will be there for you. As a matter of fact you might find that they are extremely helpful!

[Mommy24]

I have to agree with Jenna on this one. One of the reasons my birthson is where he is today is because my ex was "afraid" to tell his parents of our unexpected pregnancy. Hindsight for both of us is that he should have told them, they would have been angry but they also would have gotten over it in the end. I personally (again hindsight, 17 yrs later tomorrow) think it was unfair for us not to give our parents the chance to be supportive, but in the end how they felt should NOT have been factored in to our decision to place.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I just stated exactly what went on in my family. Harsh or not, it's what happened. Thanks though.