[Emberbit]

Is there anything I can’t ask when I talk with potential a-parents for the first or second time?

Anything you wish you would have asked but didn’t?

If they have kids already, is it okay to ask to meet them as a family? To see how they interact if we keep it light and fun (i.e. a park or indoor play area)?

If they say they can't have children, is it okay to ask why?

[Vogi2002]

Yes, it's okay to ask why but don't let it be the first question or so...and don't ask for specifics. Sometimes they may not want to share, I know with us we just said "it's an issue on both of our parts" when it's actually mostly my dh, but he would be mortified to have to talk about it in front of ANY one. KWIM?

Ask them to bring pictures! This is a great ice breaker and conversation starter also.

Oh, I don't know if I would ask to see the kids the first visit. First I wouldn't want my kids to get too excited if they know about the baby, and also I would want to give you my whole attention. They will be SO nervous, it makes it that much more so worrying about what your kids will say or do! LOL

Ask them EVERYthing and ANYthing!! Good luck!!

P.s. I have one person I know that got asked how her kids were doing in school and developmentally wise (like grades, when they could say the ABCs etc). She thought that was pretty innapropriate as it was asked the first visit and was asked to try to get an idea of her parenting, not just as a conversation. She may have been sensitive because her child has ADD and such so it takes him longer...but she said the emom was very "abrupt" with it. She (aparent) ended up telling the agency they were not a match the second the meeting was over.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Emberbit

Is there anything I can’t ask when I talk with potential a-parents for the first or second time?

Anything you wish you would have asked but didn’t?

If they have kids already, is it okay to ask to meet them as a family? To see how they interact if we keep it light and fun (i.e. a park or indoor play area)?

If they say they can't have children, is it okay to ask why?

I think there are very few things off-limits that I can think of, mostly because you are trying to find the family that match with your priorities for a family for your child.

We took DD with us to a first meeting with the family who turned out to be the first family of our son. It was a risk but they wanted us to do that since they had a son (DS's full sibling) who would be there and thought that would be nice for them to meet too. It was a risk of course, but for DD (27 months at the time) there was less understanding of what we were doing there. To her, it was just a playdate with a really cool kid!!! ANd also, we were they ONLY family they were considering at the time, the only ones they wanted to meet. So I think it would depend on the situation.

I guess I would want to understand a little more then need to know "why" a couple cannot have bio children. On one hand, does it matter? But OTOH, it MAY matter to you for your own reasons. And that is okay too. We were never asked in either situation but if asked in a sensitive way, it may be appropriate. I would be prepared though for that question to be an emotional trigger for those being asked.

When we met with expecting mothers, we were open books and wanted very much for them to get the whole picture of who we were so they could make their decision fully for themselves.

[Momtonick]

I would tell you to ask ANY question that you feel relates directly to your placement decision. If you are entrusting them with a precious life, they should be an open book.
Other than that I would ask about future plans for education and social activities that they children are involved in.
I placed 18 years ago and never go the chance to ask many questions.
GL! And take your time.

[taramayrn]

Hi Emberbit -
Certainly I don't know that there are really any "off limit" questions. Well, okay I changed my mind - questions regarding their sex life would be off limit - really I don't know why you'd want to know, but anyways.

I think those questions are fine to ask, although I would tread lightly when asking why they can't have kids. I never did actually ask my son's parents, but it did come up in conversations. For me I wasn't overly concerned as to why they couldn't have kids, just if they were planning on having bio kids.

I think it's important to see them with their other kids and get to know those kids as well. On our first meeting we met only as adults to get to know each other, when we were sure we wanted to match then we started including their 4 year old daughter. I am not sure how they explained who we were to her, but it worked well.

It was so good to see them with her and how they interacted. It gave me a sense of peace to know they really were good parents.

I wish I would have asked about plans for schooling - my son is in French Immersion which I am totally okay with, but I never asked about it.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I'm sorry, if it's important to you, you CAN ask, in ANY order you want to. If they're offended, they're not the right match for you.

[Vogi2002]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

I'm sorry, if it's important to you, you CAN ask, in ANY order you want to. If they're offended, they're not the right match for you.

Totally agree with this! Which was the point of my story...but totally came out wrong now that I read it back (my poor baby is sick for the first time and momma is in "my baby is sick" mode LOL).

I would also ask about education and activites, as well as how active they are and what thier weekends are like. I know those are some of the questions our sons bparents asked....

[HappyTwinsMom]

I would say to ask whatever you want to know the answers to - this is your child you're making a life-altering decision about. However, remember that some couples don't know why they can't have children. DH and I are a perfect example - even our RE couldn't explain why we weren't getting pregnant!

[belleinblue1978]

Sure you can ask why they can't have children... to me what was more important was had the dealt with the fact that they can't have children.

I wasn't interested in my son going to a couple who unresolved fertility issues. Not that you can ever COMPLETELY resolve those, but in my mind someone that is adopting shouldn't still be claiming a deep yearning for a biological child.

[loveajax]

I agree...nothing is off limits. (If you asked about my sex life, I would have to go into the annals of history...well, at least that's how DH feels these days!).

In fact, my DD's birth mom showed up at our first meeting and pulled out a notebook full of questions. I was scared to death! But they were all really thoughtful questions and though I felt "grilled," it made me so happy to know that she felt OK about doing it (as she should have!).

My only sort of "suggestion" though is that it may be a little "offputting" to start with the heavy stuff first...Hopefully, you can establish a rapport and still get everything answered. It's such a really, really surreal thing when you think about it.

[anneo]

If I were compiling a list of questions to ask potential aparents, I'd ask about who would take care of the child if the parents were to die. Granted that's not a nice topic, but I would still like to know that something is in place if something were to happen to the aparents.

[RavenSong]

I would ask potential a-parents how their own parents disciplined them when they were children. People often use the same methods of discipline that they were brought up with.

I would also ask them how their relationships are today with their parents, brothers, and sisters. Are the bonds close, or can you sense dysfunction in the extended family?

[shae961]

When we meet with our daughter birthmom she was scared to talk to us. I tried to get her to talk but after an hour or so she opened up. I told her she could ask us anything. Her only question is what would her daughter call her. I told her she would call her mommy amber and she was fine with that. But ask any question you have on your mind. Here are some of the question we were asked.

1. what would the baby call her?
2. would we let her see her?
3. can her family still get to see her?
4. why cant we have kids?
5. how much do we make?
6. who would watch her when we worked?

those were just some of them. Hope it helps you. good luck

[rainmon]

yes I too would ask about how they would discipline the child and maybe also add a few open ended hypothetical situations to see how they would think and act in those situations with potty training, tantrums, saying bad words or telling lies etc...
and then follow that up with how did their parents handle situations like that. just to see where it leads...and I would ask both Dad....and Mom giving each of them a turn to answer first, as if discipline is not handled alike, there may be disharmony in the home over it. also when the infant cries in the middle of the night, do they let him cry or pick him up? that would be very important to me as well, because there is a lot of controversy on this I've found.

[nikkianni]

Anything you feel is important is worth asking. I know we answered some very in-depth thoughtful questions and some that we just couldn't fathom. What's your favorite color for example. If it's relevant to you, that's all that matters.
DD's bparents never asked us about whether or not we could have a bio child. They did ask us who would take care of her when I went back to work, how our dogs reacted to children, that type of thing.
Our philosophy was that above all us we needed to just be "us" and eventually the right match would come along.
Like others have said, I don't think I would be comfortable taking my daughter to a first meeting. At the moment of course she wouldn't know the difference or why we were there. But when she's older I wouldn't want to get her hopes up. I would be willing to bring her to a second or third meeting though if things were going well.