[Emberbit]

My daughter is really set on the baby having a “big brother or big sister.” As it doesn’t matter to me, that’s what I’m looking for. I want to meet the child/children because I’m less interested in specifics of parenting style than whether it woks for them. If it works…it’s fine. But I want to make sure their parenting style “works” and is nto one I have strong objections to (like one friend who constantly screams at her child but is sweet as honey to mine and another friend who lets their 7-year-old throw food and sing loudly in restaurants). It’s not so much…does their child behave…no child behaves all of the time…it’s how do they react when the child does not behave… I know I’ll get to see how they interact with my daughter…but how you act with your own children and how you act with someone else’s are often completely different.

Maybe it’s because my daughter meets everyone and talks to them that I don’t’ understand not wanting an emom to meet your children. I mean…my daughter meets a lot of people that I don’t necessarily explain their place in my life. “We’re going to go to the zoo with Mommy’s friends X and Y and their daughter K.” And that’s fine with her…she doesn’t care who goes along as long as she can go to the zoo or wherever. Would I want them to introduce me as a potential b-mom when we hadn’t agreed to a match? No. I don’t intend to tell my daughter we’re meeting couples when we do, only when we’re matched. So I don’t undertand why it’s a big deal to say…do something fun with “someone mommy knows and her daughter”.

But I don’t feel that I can agree to a match without seeing how they interact with their current child/children. Because I don’t want to agree to a match and then change my mind and have to find a new couple…

I am accumulating a list of questions…but how do I ask them without seeming like I’m grilling the potential parents?

[loveajax]

Honestly, Ember, I respected the "grilling" because it made me feel like A) DD's birth mom had really thought long and hard about alot of issues (ones I certainly hadn't!) and B) it allowed us to really get to know each other on a less than "superficial" level. People usually "present" really well in situations like this, but answers to really tough questions will give you the info that you may really be looking for (if you decide to place). The other thing to remember is that you don't have to do it all at once, kwim? I mean we met with DD's birth parents a few times before she was born. I also think seeing how someone parents, live and in person, may be the best "info" you can get.

[taramayrn]

I think that most potential adoptive parents are expecting the "grilling" so to speak and are hopefully prepared to answer your questions. Lots of the questions that you will ask, the parents have already been asked by their social worker in preparation for the adoption.

If seeing how the couple reacts and interacts with children then you need to tell them on the first meeting and arrange another one (if you get a good feeling about them) to see them with their children. It's just so hard when you are involving children and their little hearts get broken so easily.

We matched with our son's adoptive parents a month before his birth and met every weekend before he was born. I got a really good feeling from them the first time I met them and knew I would match with them right away. Those feelings were only solidified when we added their four year old daughter to the mix.

[missingmyboy]

I wanted an open adoption that involved all family members, on their side and mine. They told me how their family really supported them adopting so silly me I assumed the family was okay with open. My son is three and a half and I have never met anyone in their extended family. I have only met his parents and his new siblings. I wouldn't just ask if their family supports openness as my son's parents say that they thought they would but found out otherwise after his birth. I really find it hard to believe that not a single person in their extended families want to meet myself and my older son. They also have not met my family members beyond my older son and my stepdad. They don't have any interest in meeting the others likely due to the horror stories I told them. However I think they can do no harm to have a short visit a few times a year with my extended family with them always present. Obviously this isn't something you ask for on the first visit but if you want an open adoption that is like extended family, I would ask to meet their family while pregnant and ask to have them meet yours while pregnant as well. Had I known better, I might have the kind of openness I was clear I desired.

[aclee]

If you think some of the questions/concerns you have are hard to work, or hard to fit into conversation, then I would really encourage you to ask to read their home study. We are half done our home study, and I know a lot of questions that you ask are answered in there. If you can read the info on fertility etc, then you'll wouldn't have to ask it. I know we were asked all about our parenting styles etc. I don't know how much detail is in a home study, I've never read one, but it might give you a starting off point....as in....I read in your home study you use X method for disciple. Do you expect that would work in the middle of a grocery store...what would you do then? Cause let's face it...the grocery store tantrums are the worst Our social worker did say today that "no one ever sees the home study" a facilitator or out of state agency might glance through it, or maybe the judge the does the interstate compact or finalization, but other wise no one reads it. Sort upset me....why did we spend so much time explaining and discussing it all then? I would like expectant moms to read ours if it will help them see a better picture of us! Just my thoughts...ask for that home study!

[Emberbit]

On the homestudy thing...

The father's sister (who placed in open adoption the year before my daughter was born) told me that when she asked to see the homestudies of her top 3 couples, 2 of the 3 refused. As she wouldn't place without reading the homestudy and viewing the background check, she was back to the drawing board when the last couple of the three had revealed in the homestudy that they planed to move within 3 years after denying plans to move to her in conversation. She ended up with couple #6 on her list after reading all of the intervening homestudies. It's worked out well and continues to be open but...

So on one hand, I'd love to read the homestudy. I think it would avoid a lot of the awkward and possibly hurtful questions (like about fertility). On the other, if I'm set on reading it and they refuse and I otherwise like them, could I be passing on a great couple if I won't match without reading it?

[jaenelle]

Originally Posted by SchmennaLeigh

I'm sorry, if it's important to you, you CAN ask, in ANY order you want to. If they're offended, they're not the right match for you.

Absoutely. It's YOUR decision to make, and as far as I'm concerned, anything that helps you feel more confident in that decision is a good thing.

[riverview]

oh my gosh, as an a-parent, ask anything you would like. meet the family even grandparents if you need to . If they get offended , they are not the right parenting couple for you. Good luck!

[nikkianni]

This is totally my opinion here, but I can't imagine saying that an emom couldn't read our homestudy. What would be the big deal? The previous poster was right: You'd get everything from parenting style to income to fertility issues, all in one shot without the weirdness.
Then if you liked what you read, you could meet them and get clarification or ask further questions.
As for the bringing children along with you thing, I can only tell you why I would hesitate. Even if I didn't tell my daughter why we were going, it's still a wary meeting with a person or persons who are total strangers. Who knows what could happen, be said, done, etc.? If DH and I met an emom once and we hit it off and then she wanted to see us in action as a family, I'd be find with that.

[Vogi2002]

I personally would not allow an emom to see our homestudy, but it was very very personal. I KNOW that the emom is putting her trust in us, but we are also putting our trust in her too, and I wouldn't ask to see her answers either if she had to answer some of the questions we were asked. I did however answer a long questionairre specifically for the emom (including my opinion/view on open adoption). I would be okay with sharing this or even my homestudy if they did it to where it was appropriate for the person to see (I also had first and last names on it, ages, DOB, etc of my family and I WOULD NOT be willing to share these either in this identity theft driven world....).

I also would not share my income. Maybe my debt to income ratio...but not my income, that is noone's business IMO and while I do see it as important I don't think that income itself has anything to do with parenting, more so about debt or how you spend that money (but I'm old fashioned like that, noone knows our income and I know plenty of people who make a LOT but who owe WAY more).



Another thought, you could always write your questions down and have them answer them and return it to you BEFORE the meeting, then discuss the answers with them. That way you don't forget anything and will have time to process thier answers and your questions about them KWIM?

[Vogi2002]

Oh - another thing, if they refuse to show you the homestudy (like we would have) give them an option to go through it first and white out any answers that they don't wish to share then send a copy to you. You can ask them why they wouldn't share or choose not to go with them. That would have been great for me because I could go in there and white out like DOB's, questions like the sex life question, and my exact income (I would have probably instead put a "range" for you to see).

BTW - My homestudy even included questions about our sex life, so I really do mean it was PERSONAL.

GOOD LUCK!

[nikkianni]

OK, our home study wasn't that, um, involved. Yikes!

[luvmylittlegirls]

Originally Posted by Vogi2002

Oh - another thing, if they refuse to show you the homestudy (like we would have) give them an option to go through it first and white out any answers that they don't wish to share then send a copy to you. You can ask them why they wouldn't share or choose not to go with them. That would have been great for me because I could go in there and white out like DOB's, questions like the sex life question, and my exact income (I would have probably instead put a "range" for you to see).

BTW - My homestudy even included questions about our sex life, so I really do mean it was PERSONAL.

GOOD LUCK!

Yup - this is what I was thinking.

There's just a ton of stuff that we discussed with the SW during HS meetings that aren't really relevant to parenting and I in no way want to share with DD's b-mom (or lots of people!)

* The famous sex life questions (actually, she never verbally asked, but there were several questions on one of the forms asking about sexual compatibility. None of b-mom's business)

* Stuff about extended family: for example, my BIL's 1st marriage ended in divorce b/c wife#1 was a drug addict and so now he has sole custody of the kids. Now, really, why on earth would b-mom need to know that? I can't remember why the subject came up, but he's a great guy and it sure doesn't affect OUR parenting.

* Seriously private family history information (the specific, painful reasons that led to DH's parents divorce, discussion of a sibling that was abused by a former family friend,)

* Specific income. That is private. I will give you a range, debt-income ratio, heck, even our credit score!, but no specifics.

* The obvious Identifying information (incl dob, ss#).

Back to OP: if a family refused to let you see their home study, I would ask for their reasons why before writing them off totally.

[jaenelle]

Originally Posted by nikkianni

OK, our home study wasn't that, um, involved. Yikes!

Yes, I have heard about that homestudy before when Natalie has talked about it. VERY scary and the ONLY one I know that got so INVASIVE. I know it's supposed to be thorough, but I really don't see why it has to go into that much detail.

[Vogi2002]

Jeanelle -

LOL Believe me we thought the same when first asked it. But really when we took a step back I did sort of "get it" only because I DO think it's important in a marriage.

I think our reasons are like luvmylittlegirls, it's private, there was a LOT of private history, etc that truley is none of thier nor anyone's (except the social worker's) business, even my infertility stuff is a little personal...I know they REALLY got into the nitty gritty and that is such an emotionally charged subject...unless you are a social worker you wouldn't know what is and is not normal for a person KWIM? For example: on the grief part they ask basically what are some ways that you are still dealing with the grief of not carrying a child. That might scare an emom to know you still grieve, but it's normal and even healthy!

But I think homestudies range in how personal they get...so that would matter also.

Again, i wouldnt write someone off for not allowing you to see thier homestudy, this isn't very common in America (I know in Canada it is) and I don't think homestudies reflect that a birthmother might see them here. I ESPECIALLY wouldn't allow them to see it if I wasn't "officially" matched with them. That is too much of our personal business going around IMO.