[calirosie]

Okay, I am 24 years old and 25 weeks pregnant. The birthfather and I split up three months ago (we didn't know I was pregnant at the time--I had a "pill-pregnancy"--I was on the pill so we didn't think this was possible). I started going back to school a year and a half ago but am taking this semester off so I can continue working (this pregnancy has taken a lot of energy out of me!). I live at home and my parents support me; They don't mind when I am a student but I work part time to have my own money as well. The birthfather is worse off than me with his parents paying his rent and he is several thousand dollars in debt from school loans and uncompleted semesters. He has not been in school the past year and has just started working part time to start paying off his debts. I am in no way able to support this child on my own and in order to continue my education and work to support this child (even if I live at home for a while); I don't feel like I would have enough time to spend with him in order to be a good mom. The father can't financially help and in Jan he is going out of state for a trade school program for I don't know how long. I don't feel ready to parent and I'm not even sure if I desire to be a parent at this time in my life. I have a few friends my age who are single mothers but they were able to live at home and not work while they got their education and they receive a lot more support from the birthfathers. I don't have that option. While my parents say I can live at home as long as I need, there is no way they are going to fully support this baby while I finish my education for at least 2 1/2 years. I've been looking into open adoption and that is what the birthfather wants to do but I have members of my family acting like I am this horrible person for "wanting to give my baby to strangers" (including my stepmom who I live with). My dad and brother say they will support whatever choice I make but won't give me their opinion on the matter. I have seen a lot of members of my family raise their children on their own but I don't really want that for myself. I see the stress, financial instability, constant problems with the birthfather, and heartache involved and I don't want that for me or my child. I really desire to provide a stronger foundation and greater stability than I can give him this point in his life. I've read a lot about adoption and they talk about "a permanent solution to a temporary situation". I don't think years of struggle (my friend with her eight year old son, my step sister with her five year son) is a temporary sitatuation. Basically I'm being pulled in all sorts of directions by my family, friends who are mothers, & the birthdad. I feel pressured to be a parent before I am ready! I know practically adoption is the best option for me but emotionally I feel torn (these pregnancy hormones are not helping either!). I would appreciate some insight from birthmoms or expecting moms...

[Emberbit]

I am 24. I have a daughter who is 6. I have only recently completed my associates degree and it will be another 3 years (with online classes & working full time) before I have my bachelor’s. I look at her and back over the years of struggle…and I can’t say that it was all worth it. It was a miserable time and if I could go back and re-do, I would have that abortion. We are just now starting to approach comfortable and we still have a lot of struggle ahead. This pregnancy, like my daughters is a “birth control mishap.” The father this time asked me to carry and place rather than abort because of his religious beliefs. I’ll carry…but it makes my classes and job even more of a struggle. There are many on here who will insist that placing is hard. I’m sure it is. I’ve been guilted about my choice on here and in person by a lot of people…but nothing can make me want to go through the misery and hardship that I went through with my daughter. I’ll never go back, there is only forward for me and I choose to place. They (the b-moms) tell me the decision will have to be made again after I deliver…but I know in my heart and my head that I’ve made the right choice. It feels right…now I just have to wait for my ultrasound to confirm whether it’s one or two…

[Mommy24]

Speaking as a First Mom who's bson is almost 17, I can tell you it is hard. I am also a mommy to 4 more, the struggles as an everyday mom can be hard as well. But I can tell you that from the bottom of my heart, EACH and EVERY one of my children, including my placed child, is worth every bit of of the struggles I have been through. Would I place again? No, but I did what I felt was best at the time. I have never told any expectant mom that she should not place, but I will not lie and say it is all it appears to be. The decision to place will again have to made after delivery, simply because as"real" as the baby seems in utero, it is much more "real" when you hear that first cry, when you see that tiny beautiful baby. YOu have to do what is best for your baby, if that includes placing for adoption then that is your decision but my advice is to be completely informed of your rights. I was not, I did not know many things and had no support system in place. Sounds like you have great support from your parents, you will find that is very helpful during this time. We are here, glad you are too. If I can answer any questions please do not hesitate to contact me via PM.

Best of luck!

[Mommy24]

Originally Posted by Emberbit

I am 24. I have a daughter who is 6. I have only recently completed my associates degree and it will be another 3 years (with online classes & working full time) before I have my bachelor’s. I look at her and back over the years of struggle…and I can’t say that it was all worth it. It was a miserable time and if I could go back and re-do, I would have that abortion. We are just now starting to approach comfortable and we still have a lot of struggle ahead.

Emberbit, may I gently suggest that you choose your words better when posting via the internet. How would you feel if you came across a post like this from your own mom? How would it feel to know your mother wishes she would have aborted you? The things we post here on the forums are available for the world to see. I am sorry you have had to struggle, I will pray that things get better and that your daughter never feels any of this.

Bless you!

[browneyes0707]

I placed my DD 15 years ago while I was in college. I understand your POV, how you want to finish school and not being prepared to have a child and raise it. I did not have a support system in place, I chose not to tell my family of my pregnancy. But I can tell you that it is YOUR decision to make, and you are going to have to make a choice YOU feel comfortable with. there will always be people who will "judge"" you for "giving your child to strangers" and there will also be others who will tell you that you need to place your child in order to finish your education and "be young". And everything in between. But you are the one who has to sleep at night, KWIM?

I did what the right thing was for me at the time. It's not an easy path to take, being a birthmom. But I'm very happy with where my life is right now, and my DD has a great life too. But I also know I could have parented, and I have my moments where I wish I had chosen that path too. There is always a way, just remember that.

No matter what you choose, we will be here to support you. I wish you all the luck in your decision.

[quantum]

Look deep inside yourself, follow your heart and what feels right for you.
No choice is easy here. I guess sometimes us bmoms push a little bit for trying to keep your child because that's something you'll think about over the years. Not always wishing you had, but wondering if you could have.

My feeling is if you are true to yourself, you cannot go wrong in the long run.

I wish you the best of luck in your decision!

[ricksbabe4u]

Follow your heart and do what you think is best for you and your baby. Take your time and pray. Let God be your guide and you will know what is best.

God Bless you,
Rikki

[RavenSong]

Calirosie, I am a birthmother who relinquished her son back in 1972, when I was 17 years old. I reunited with him shortly after he turned 18 in 1990. Would I do it all over again, knowing what I know now? NO...

The common illusion back in those years, and one that the social workers drummed into our heads, was that adoption would somehow magically give our children these wonderful, advantaged lives. They would have two parents who loved each other, all the educational advantages money can buy, a stay-at-home mom who could spend hour-upon-hour with their long-awaited baby, family vacations, music lessons, i.e., all the things that a young, single woman could not give her baby. Sounds pretty good, right? The only problem is that this type of reasoning is a myth.

Adoptive parents are human beings, just like everybody else on this planet. They have their own share of problems, and most are not superheroes. There is no guarantee that they will parent your child any better than you can. They may have more money than you do, but money should never be your main consideration in deciding whether to relinquish your child for adoption.

You say, "I don't feel like I would have enough time to spend with him in order to be a good mom." That was one of the main reasons I gave up my own son. The county adoption agency assured me that his new mother would have all the time in the world to attend to his needs, that she would be a stay-at-home mom. (You have to remember that this was back in 1972, when the majority of women were still in the home and not in the workplace.) When I reunited with my son, his adoptive mother informed me that she had worked full time from the day he was placed with them. A neighbor babysat for him every day until he was old enough for kindergarten.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that your assumption that your child's adoptive parents would have more time for him or her is not a certainty. They very well may turn out to be a dual-income couple.

I know you're frightened, but I would advise you to take this slowly. You need to really think of all the ramifications that relinquishment can mean, both to you and your child, as well as your family. It sounds like you've got great parents, who are willing to be supportive of you in whatever you decide. Be sure to talk with them and express your fears and worries.

In the end, I guess the best thing is to go with whatever your heart is telling you. Just be sure it's your heart, not your fear, that is guiding you, though.

[calirosie]

Thank you all for your kind words and things to consider. I am reconsidering my choice at this point even though the birthfather is not going to be happy. He doesn't see any other solution to this besides adoption but he isn't really around everyday to feel the baby inside me moving around! I want this to be a decision I can live with peacefully. This isn't something I can discuss with him without him getting angry so I am keeping this to myself and my family. Living at home while I finish my education and have a child isn't ideal but it's not terrible either. There is room for the both of us and life doesn't always turn out the way you'd expect it to be.

[calirosie]

By the way to the A-moms who choose to send me a private message, please stop private messaging me. You don't know what this feels like and I don't want to hear about what a joy adoption has been for you because it involves a lot of heartbreak on the other side of the equation and it is insensitive to think one can know how that feels until you've been through that situation yourself.

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by calirosie

I am reconsidering my choice at this point even though the birthfather is not going to be happy. He doesn't see any other solution to this besides adoption but he isn't really around everyday to feel the baby inside me moving around!

Calirosie, I am so glad that you are giving careful thought and reconsideration to your choices. Adoption should NEVER be decided upon quickly. Deciding whether to relinquish your child or not will be the most important decision you will make in your entire life.

As far as the birthfather being angry if you keep your child, I wouldn't set a whole lot of store by it, in my opinion. At this point in your child's life, (yes, YOUR child!) he or she is solely dependent on you for nourishment and love, not his or her birthfather. If you are afraid that keeping your baby will end your relationship with your boyfriend, I would ask you this: could you ever really feel the same about him again, knowing he didn't want the responsibilities of fatherhood? That he hadn't cared what relinquishment would mean to you or your family? I don't know if a marriage could sustain that kind of betrayal in the long run. Of course, this is only my opinion, but one you might consider.

Please let us know how you are doing, and feel free to private message me if you'd like. Hang in there, kiddo, and don't let anybody push you around!

[Juliana13]

Wow.. What at tough situation to be in. My heart goes out to you. I am an adoptive mom - BUT I am NOT going to tell you how great it is to adopt!! That is a given - but your concern is not about potential adoptive parents, your concern is your child, and what is best for him. (you did say "him" right? Congratulations!)

First, adoption is a difficult, courageous choice. But not a choice that is right for everyone. Regardless of what you want (and wanted ) you are now a mother, and you need to decide what is best for you and your baby. It is your decision. And if you choose to parent, you can figure out a way to make it work. Just make sure that you are making the choice for your child, not for anyone else around you. They will adjust to whatever you decide.

No matter what choice you make, there will be people who will think you’ve made a mistake. A birthmother who chooses adoption for her child, will probably be judged by some people. If she had chosen to parent, she would be judged by other people. That’s why it is essential to think it through, learn the truths about all of the options – short term and long term, then make the decision that is right for you. And have the courage to do what you know is right. That is the only way you can make it through the tough times, whichever you choose.

I am copying something I saw recently in another post. - Questions to ask yourself when considering adoption vs. parenting. I think the list is a pretty good one. And, being a religious person, I would add prayer. Ask God what choice is right for this child, and then ask for the strength to be able to do it, whichever answer you get. Both will be difficult, so you will need peace of mind and of heart to get through whichever she chooses.

Here's the list: (I copied it from another post, a few months ago, and saved it on my computer - so I do not know who to give the credit to, but I think they are great questions for considering this decision.)

Here are the questions I would ask someone debating parenting vs. placing for adoption:

- Do you have the DESIRE to parent?

- Do you have the financial means to parent? (Don't forget about the social services available to help while you get on your feet. These count!!)

- Do you have the emotional stability and maturity to parent? If not do you (or can you create) a support system to help get you where you need to be on this issue? (This is a biggie, IMO) Are you committed to using your support system?

- If you're currently in a relationship, is this person safe? Does he treat you well? Does he verbally, emotionally or physically abuse you? Are you willing to leave this relationship for the sake of your baby?

- Are all substance abuse issues under control? Are you taking whatever measures are necessary to get and/or stay clean? Rehab, counseling, AA, even losing friends... whatever it takes for however long it takes.

- Are any mental health issues being managed well? Can you, with the help of a counselor or other professional, get to a place where you can parent safely and well?

- Are you ready to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to make sure your baby is cared for? Are you prepared to (possibly) change your social, career or educational plans (probably just temporarily, maybe forever) for the sake of your baby? Are you prepared to say goodbye to friends and others who would be a bad influence on your baby? Are you willing to put your baby's needs FIRST? (But, keep in mind, babies and children don't need much: love, stability, food, shelter, love)

These are just a few things to consider. I'm not trying to say that you should place or not. That's a decision that only you can make. Best wishes to you and your baby! And congratulations on your beautiful child! You have already shown that you love him and want the best for him, and that is what a mom is.

[browneyes0707]

Calirosie:

You know, I really thought the b-dad of my DD did not care WHAT I did, as long as I didn't "bother" him with it. But, I'll bet that if you asked him now, he'll say he wished we parented. The adoption was not easy on him, and that's something I never knew until years later. Not discussing my choice with him made it all the more hurtful and complicated.

Time can change lots of things. Once he sees his child, he could have a complete change of heart. Men can surprise you that way.....

Good luck. I'm glad you are giving everything careful thought!!!

[EZ2Luv]

I as an adoptee would just like to chime in and touch on something. My bmom was 27yrs old an adamant about placing. Up til the day she died she stood firm in the fact that she did the right thing. I will tell you in all honesty that this crushed me to the core. I would have been less hurt if I knew that she was forced or backed upp against the wall and felt she had no choice or was coerced in some way. This was NOT the case, I see it as her just thinking of herself. The thing is, she married and had another child just about a year later.

While I have had a great life with my aparents, it kills me knowing that this womaqn could have absolutly no regret, remorse, second thoughts or any other normal feelings that most bmother have(based on what I have read)

Trust me adoption hurts even though it appears to be a great situation. Like I said, my afamily is the best, but to know I just wasn't wanted by the woman who gave birth t me will sting till the day I die. Wonderful aparents,2 parent family, nice house, great education and the white picket fence can never erase that pain.
EZ

[calirosie]

Originally Posted by RavenSong

As far as the birthfather being angry if you keep your child, I wouldn't set a whole lot of store by it, in my opinion. At this point in your child's life, (yes, YOUR child!) he or she is solely dependent on you for nourishment and love, not his or her birthfather. If you are afraid that keeping your baby will end your relationship with your boyfriend, I would ask you this: could you ever really feel the same about him again, knowing he didn't want the responsibilities of fatherhood? That he hadn't cared what relinquishment would mean to you or your family? I don't know if a marriage could sustain that kind of betrayal in the long run. Of course, this is only my opinion, but one you might consider.

He and I broke up in June, so while I'm trying to be considerate of his feelings, at the same time he is not the one who gets to make the final decision no matter how mean or intimidating he tries to be (at moments).

When I e mailed him a couple of days ago saying that my family doesn't want me to make a final decision yet and I agree with them, he wrote back saying he couldn't handle this and stop putting us both through a roller coaster and then he texted me later saying he was worried about me. I couldn't help but think is he truly worried about me or worried I won't agree to adoption. Sometimes I wish I didn't even tell him about the pregnancy even though I know it is very wrong to think that way. He wants to be in the room with me when I deliver but now I'm scared to have him there (this whole pregnancy has been very scary for me!).

My finances aren't that horrible even though I am not finished with school; I am taking a tax course and will be CTEC certified by december so during tax season (Jan-April) I will be making $30-$50 an hour depending on the number of clients I have that day and my family is willing to help me out until I finish school and probably will help with childcare even after that (I have a lot of support from extended family too...step mom, stepsisters <all with kids and 2 of them don't work>) so I probably won't even need government assistance.

At this point, I don't want to make any specific decisions or plans for keeping or placing my baby until I give birth and then see how I feel. Some people had said that's too late to decide but I disagree.