[veryveryconfused]

I hope everyone who is reading this is doing well and I hope that some of y'all are at peace with your decison...and by decision I mean the decision whether to parent or not to parent. I am searching for that peace. I am more confused than I have ever been in all 23 years of my life.

I am the mother of the greatest almost 5 year old little girl. She is smart, spunky, and kind. I am one proud momma. I am pregnant with a baby boy due at the end of December. I know that I am a good mom and I know I can be a good mom again. However, I struggle financially and I also don't have a support system of people to help (the baby's dad is gone and I am isolated from my family, etc.). I've researched and researched all of my options and parenting doesn't seem possible. I have enough love just not enough money. I've been hoping for a miracle to make parenting work...but in the mean time I've also been exploring adoption.

At the end of October I found a family wanting to adopt began talking with them and within 2 weeks met them in person. They drove a long way to come visit with me. I felt very very connected to them and I think the feeling was mutual. But, I still struggled with moving forward with adoption. I couldn't commit to it. There was no pressure put on me to hurry with a decison...however knowing that a family was waiting on me to make a decision felt like extreme pressure...Especially being a people pleaser and all. I eventually told the family that I was ready to move forward (and this was done with a heavy heart filled with doubt). I immediately felt overwhelmed, panicky, and in way over my head. It was a scary night. I literally "freaked" out and had some sort of "break" in a way. The next morning I let the family know that I had made a mistake and that I was going to parent. They reacted as to be expected...mainly hurt- possibly mad. With their reaction they contradicted some ideas they had shared with me earlier...like they are just glad to have met me whether or not I choose adoption or not.

I think what happened was the reality of my decision hit me hard and during the night of my "break" I was grieving for the baby. I'm still not completely sure but I do think that adoption may be my only option.

Here are my questions to some of you who have gone through or are going through this.

1. Is it normal to feel so torn about whether to parent or not? What has that been like for you?

2. If I do adoption, should I choose another family or go back to the old one? What would you do in my situation?

I would love to have a "buddy" to talk to who is or has gone through this. I feel very alone in all of this.

[browneyes0707]

Originally Posted by veryveryconfused

Here are my questions to some of you who have gone through or are going through this.

1. Is it normal to feel so torn about whether to parent or not? What has that been like for you?

2. If I do adoption, should I choose another family or go back to the old one? What would you do in my situation?

I would love to have a "buddy" to talk to who is or has gone through this. I feel very alone in all of this.

Hi Confused!

You are NOT alone here. And everything you are feeling is quite normal, in fact a lot of it sounds like how I felt once I met my DD's family.( pressure from the people pleasing side of me!) Unfortunately, I was younger than you (17) and had no real resource or encouragement to parent. So the fact that you realize you might be able to do it, is a step in a direction that I didn't have.

But I too felt that once I met DD's parents that I felt a connection, and from that point on I felt that I couldn't turn back, which wasn't necessarily true. It is important that you know that until you sign that TPR, this child is YOURS. The choice is YOURS. And you need to do what you feel in your heart is the right thing for you.

Whether or not you should go back to the other family, I don't know. Only you could answer that question. You also have to be 100% positive that this is THE couple for you. If it's only 99%, then keep looking.

Adoption isn't easy, and I have my moments, but my DD is doing amazingly well and has a great family, and that helps so much that she is doing so well. But adoption also brings a lifetime of pain regardless. Read stories here and think about it. Don't sell yourself short, think about how financial situaitons can change in a few years. Make a decision you can live with not now, but for the rest of your life!

And we are here if you want to talk! Good luck!

[Rifilanna]

I was 23 when I placed my daughter I felt pressure to make a family happy, and that certaily coloured my decision. I felt alone. I felt as though I couldn't change my mind. You may want to take your final decision after your baby is born, having baby in your arms can change things. (Of course making a plan make sense.)

And in agreement with what brown said above, you need to be so very very certain that the family is right for your baby. This may be the most inportant decision in your babys life.

[veryveryconfused]

Browneyes and Rifilanna-Thanks for the responses! It means a lot to hear from other girls who have been through what I'm going through. Thanks!

[EZ2Luv]

Hi

I am not a birthmother, I am an adoptee. I first want to say Congradulations on your pregnancy. That little miracle growing inside you is YOUR baby even if you should decide not to parent you will ALWAYS be that baby's mother. That said, you do not OWE anyone YOUR baby, no matter how much you like them or connect with them. I like the suggestion app made of why not wait until after the baby is born and the make a decision. Alot can change once you look that little miracle in his/her eyes and feel you arms aroun that small warm body. Your baby NEEDS you, please I beg you not to allow anyone to guilt you into giving your baby up to them. This is a decision of great magnatude an you will have to live the balance of your life with your decision.
One more thing to remember is that potential adptive famlies are going to be on their best behavior and good graces, people change. Please be careful.
There are many resourses out there that can assist you if your want to parent. Will it be easy? NO, but the help you need will only be temporary, a broken heart from giving up a baby that you really want to love and keep will last a lifetime. Adoption is a permanant solution for a temporary situation. Finances change, people get better jobs and make more money, adoption is final.
I am no way anti adoption, but when I read a post like yours I hear a mother that really loves and wants to keep her baby. I am going to pray for you.

EZ

[lilraskels]

I just want to remind you that the feeling you felt for the few days of grieving for your child (even though the baby was not gone) is what you would feel for eighteen years if you let him go to be adopted. I am an adoptive mother and a birth mother and I say if you can give it your best shot. I know love alone does not raise a family. I know it is scarry. I know that being able to adopt gives other something they can not have themselves in most cases. If you want to and you have time read the primal wound they talk about on this sight. It is so true and eye opening for birth mothers, adoptive parents and it has alot of adoptee input. I think every case is different but I would be scared of the feeling you will feel if you let the baby be adopted unless the power of prayer helps guide you to a family that will keep their word and let you stay involved with the family if that is somethign you are intrested in. I wish you much luck.

[julie23]

I think every case is different but I would be scared of the feeling you will feel if you let the baby be adopted unless the power of prayer helps guide you to a family that will keep their word and let you stay involved with the family if that is somethign you are intrested in.

Amen, sister.

(coming from a birthmom who was deceived AND survived broken promises and betrayal!)

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by lilraskels

I just want to remind you that the feeling you felt for the few days of grieving for your child (even though the baby was not gone) is what you would feel for eighteen years if you let him go to be adopted.

Actually that never fully goes away. 18 is not a magic number. My son is 23 years old. We have had a fully open adoption from the very beginning with adoptive parents I love and respect. The grief is still with me. I believe it always will be to some extent. What was lost can never be recovered.

Listen to your heart. That level of panic and anxiety is telling you something. If you'd like to chat, pm me. I have worked in educating about adoption for 20 years and have lived it 23. You will be in my thoughts.

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by veryveryconfused

I am the mother of the greatest almost 5 year old little girl. She is smart, spunky, and kind. I am one proud momma. I am pregnant with a baby boy due at the end of December. I know that I am a good mom and I know I can be a good mom again. However, I struggle financially and I also don't have a support system of people to help

Something that someone said to me may help you in gleaning thoughts as to what you want to do. They said "Giving up your child to a (closed) adoption Janny was a severe answer to a short term problem'. If its finance that is causing you grief, that is a short term problem. Adoption is going to impact on your child big time no matter how glossy it appears in print. I know that with my own son's response to adoption now that we are reunited now 29 years on.

See if there are other ways of getting help even if it is foster care until you are more able to cope. Go to mothers that you know that perhaps you mix with at kindergarten, or school, or wherever other mothers are. I don't live in the USA so I'm not clued up on states benefits, organisations that will help you with clothing etc. Surely state benefits should help you with an additional child? I know mothers (working or not) get child benefit here in the UK.

I made the mistake of thinking 29½years ago that I had to make a decision right there and then because I couldn't see any other option and the social workers were keen to let me think that. These are just a few thoughts, very quick response (apologies) but have to go out to see a friend in 20 mins. Will try and get back to you later. ((hugs))))

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by EZ2Luv

Adoption is a permanant solution for a temporary situation. Finances change, people get better jobs and make more money, adoption is final.
EZ

EZ I feel the same. I let the situation of feeling helpless in a situation where no-one wanted to help overtake me. It is a decision that has left me traumatised (if i did but realise it) until my son searched and found me 28 years later. Then the very thing that I thought would bring him happiness, (adoption, closed) is the very thing that is getting in the way of us having a relationship. Instead of enjoying each other, there are pullbacks, his defense mechanisms, because he doesn't trust, relationship issues, so much hurt and decades of pain for both of us. That is my story.

I wish now knowing what I do know that I had had more resources back then (this website for one) and people rooting for me that is available now, i.e the people responding to this thread. I am not dwelling on regrets too much, but it has hit me between the eyes that adoption was not the happy ever ending that I thought or was led to believe back in 1978. My son wanted me, not strangers raising him and it is a price we have both paid and it is making it hard even now 19 months after 1st contact. It is now 29 nearly 30 years, and I have only seen my son F2F twice, same weekend.

What I would give to turn back the clock. Now I have to wait and be patient, cope with all that he is testing and trying my patience with. He desperately needs to know that I won't go again. All of this I think in my pondering moments, because of finance and lack of support. Some thoughts for you to bear in mind when making your decision.

[julie23]

i agree with all the posts here.... there are a lot of lifetime challenges for birthmoms and adoptee's in the years following placement...

yet, for me, the question that lingers, is "what is best for the baby?"

don't we all know babies who have been raised by biological moms who did not have the resources to raise them properly... ???? I can count at least 6 kids that i KNOW, without hesitation, would have been better off in an adoptive home...

despite the challenges of being adopted, these kids would have flourished... instead of growing up with parents who are ill-equipped to parent.... and the kids really suffering... and ending up in juvenile detention... or on drugs... or homeless... or whatever...

(to the original poster, I am in no way suggesting that you are one of the ill-equipped parents, okay?)

and the next question.... what IF promises are KEPT... instead of broken... what if adoptive parents raise a baby with an attitude of love and respect for his birthmom.... what if adoptive parents keep promises for visits... and emails... and pics... and updates....

i can only imagine what that would have been like for me.... maybe bromanchik can share more... of the reality of it....

i mean, i understand that the sense of loss is always there... but i imagine it would be somewhat lessened if open adoption goes how it is "supposed to"....

and if an open adoption goes well.... isn't it easier to feel like our suffering was "worth it"...???

i don't know... i can only imagine...

j

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by julie23

and the next question.... what IF promises are KEPT... instead of broken... what if adoptive parents raise a baby with an attitude of love and respect for his birthmom.... what if adoptive parents keep promises for visits... and emails... and pics... and updates....

i can only imagine what that would have been like for me.... maybe bromanchik can share more... of the reality of it....

i mean, i understand that the sense of loss is always there... but i imagine it would be somewhat lessened if open adoption goes how it is "supposed to"....

The thing is that I was really not confused as to what my decision was. I knew at the time that I could not parent. Veryveryconfused is just that.... very confused. She already knows she can be a good parent but is having financial difficulties. Financial difficulties should never be the sole reason for placement.

[julie23]

yes... i absolutely agree... j

[FallenChild]

Hi- Thank God that you came to the realization of loss & grief BEFORE all your parental rights were terminated through adoption and not AFTER - as a young girl pregnant I too had all the confusion and misgivings that you are now having - unfortunately for me however, when I "changed" my mind, my baby was GONE and everything everyone said to me about being able to "change my mind" was just not a reality when I wanted to - Don't let $$ srand in the way of you and your child and PLEASE PLEASE get your own legal counsel through YOUR OWN ATTORNEY

[FallenChild]

Oh, and another thing- you are entitled to child support from the father - it's mandatory in every state and no guy can get out of it ..... also, social services are available to help you as well, and if you do have family but they are not helping you now, they will probably come around once there is a beautiful baby in the picture - it's really instinct to want to care for your families' infants. You can PM me if you want to chat, or give me your e-mail address - I will help you in any way I can - oh, and don;t worry about hurting the potential adopting parents - worry about YOUR BABY losing the love it's mother with whom it is bondig right now in YOUR womb- best, Fallen Child