[Emberbit]

I’m living in central PA. What’s a good distance to look for a-parents at? I mean…I’ve been looking at MD, PA, NY, and NJ…but then I was thinking, maybe PA is too close to me….

So what is a good distance (in miles or travel time) between the a-parents and b-parents?

Where should I be looking?

I don’t think I want to accidentally bump into them at the supermarket…but how far away is too far?

What is a good distance for you?

[StacyKelly2]

I guess that would strictly be your choice and what you would want. I am an adoptive mom and live in Maryland and the birth mom who chose us also lives in Maryland. Ours was a private adoption and we agreed with the birth mom on pictures, and updates, and we do communicate with one another. So far we have not bumped into one another. We did however have this same conversation we would acknowledge one another as the friends that we have become. I guess it depends on how you would feel, and that would be the most important.

[blessedbybug]

Posting mostly to bump this up so you get lots of responses (I hope!)

I am an amom, and DD's First Mom chose us because we were far enough away (2 1/2 hours) so that she didn't have to worry about bumping into us (although she lives in a large city so there was still little chance of that) but if she wanted a visit it would be easy to work out. OTOH, there were a couple situations where our profile was shown where expecting moms thought we lived too far away. It really is a personal decision...

ANd FWIW, DS's First Family is seven hours away and we would travel that four times or more a year if they wanted visits.

[billysmommy]

Keep in mind that things do change.

We lived in Virginia and were chosen by an emom in Florida. We traveled there annually and have a large portion of our family there. We were to have visits once a year when we were in Florida.
When our son was 2, we moved to Florida, less than 2hours away from his first mom and her family. We visited whenever it was convenient.
Then she moved 6 hours away from us.

When our son was 3, his first mom placed a second child with us, our daughter. When our daughter was about a year old, first mom moved just across the state line to Alabama.

We will be moving to south Florida within the next year (and it will be the LAST move for us!).

Our relationship has changed and grown with our lives, and we have always managed to make it work. When we are near, we visit as often as possible. When distance is an issue, we send a lot of emails, make a lot of phone calls, and take lots of pictures.

[HappyTwinsMom]

Things definitely do change over time. When we were chosen and our daughters were born, their birthmom lived one state east of us - about a 10-hour drive. She now lives one state south of us - again about a 10-hour drive. We have never had regular visits, although we do have what we all consider an open adoption. We communicate freely through email, phone, mail, etc., but have had only two face-to-face visits in the past six years.

I would say it's all in what you prefer. If you want to be driving distance from the adoptive family, I would say stick with a five- to six-hour radius. Any more than that, at least for us, makes visiting incredibly difficult.

[Free_to_be_me]

When I was choosing aparents for my babe, I also wanted them to be close enough that it wasn't too tough to get together, but far enough that we wouldn't run into each other unless I was prepared for it. They lived about 3 hours from me and that worked great. Then, I moved 3000 miles away. Luckilly, we have a strong enough relationship that it hasn't been a problem. We are still able to see each other several times a year. I just spend a LOT of money on airfare...

[Boulderbabe]

Just out of curiosity, why don't you want to bump into them in the supermarket? Are you planning on a closed or semi-closed adoption?

I'm an adoptive mom (from foster care), and my son's bfamily lives here in town. Although our first few visits were awkward, that wore off pretty quickly. Now if I run into my son's bfather, it's not really such a big deal. We say hi, chat about my son for a few minutes, and go on about the day. Bgrandma is another issue, but she has some mental health issues that make it a little harder. But still, I've run into her once and it was fine. Bmom and her family aren't in town, but we chat on the phone every few weeks, and it was the same. Initially a little awkward, now not a big deal.

I think it's as awkward as you make it, KWIM? If you're in an open adoption, and you just treat it like normal, it becomes normal and pretty comfortable. Maybe Jenna has some good feedback for you? I know she has a really positive relationship with her daughter's afamily.

[Emberbit]

I really haven't decided how much contact we want but I'm trying to balance enough and too much in my head. It adds another element of "out of control" to the already chaotic pattern if they could show up anywhere. And as my daughter will hopefully know them, who will she be with when she sees them and how will they/we handle that?

A 6-year old doesn't always think and mine is a bit too friendly. We have a friend who works in a local bakery and if she doesn't see him in the front, she whe will ask teh person behind the counter where he is and to go get him if he's in the back, not whisper for me to ask like a lot of kids her age, but ask whoever is behind the counter herself. So if she sees the a-parents and baby, she's going to insist on saying "hi" and telling them about her day even if she's with somone who's never met them, leaving me to explain to whoever she was with (a babysitter, Aunt Jenny). I jsut can't see that as being an easy thing...

I think I'd rather that seeing them was a planned action. Drive specifically to see them or meet at a kid friendly place half-way...

[StacyKelly2]

I can see what you are saying especially if your daughter is with a babysitter or someone who is not aware of the situation. It is a hard thing to explain. It is good to just get some advice from everyone. Coming to these forums helps you understand all sides of the adoption plan. The questions you are raising are good ones, and I guess until you are in that particular situation you just will never know. In our situation which has been a little over 2 years we have not ran into the birth mom - and we live in the same state not too far from one another. It really depends also on the level of openess you have with the adoptive parents.

[loveajax]

We live in the same state, about an hour's drive from DD's birth family, and we have never run into them. We agreed to yearly visits and sometimes I wish they lived a little further away because I feel "guilty" for not having more visits (since it would not be logistically difficult). Of course, DD is two and it will be nice that they are so close if she decides down the road she wants to visit more, etc.

If you do decide to place, one thing about selecting a parents in your own state is that they won't have to deal with ICPC which sounds like it can be nuts (not that it is your responsibility to make it "easier" for the a parents, but you kwim!).

[taramayrn]

Well I really think it depends on the level of contact you want. If you don't live close is the distance going to hinder visits?

My son and his family live an hour and a half away. At times it seems too far, other times it seems just right.

[Emberbit]

I was one of those kids in school who always needed to know the right answer and could find it if I didn’t know even if a teacher felt it was too confusing of a concept. this whole “no right answer” thing really throws me for a loop.

Does anyone know a website that will let me enter a base destination (like my home address) and get the towns in a certain time of drive distance radius? That way, I can look at minimum drive distance and maximum drive distance?

[taramayrn]

Have you checked out mapquest?

[Emberbit]

It will give me directions from point-A to point-B but if it can do what I'm looking for, I can't figure it out. It would be useful i I knew where the potential a-parents live...but I'm looking for something that could help me find a location between 1 and 4 hours from my current city and mapquest doesn't seem to be able to...nor does google maps...

[SchmennaLeigh]

I lived in Pittsburgh and the adoptive family lived in Philly when I placed. I have since moved two hours west. IMO, it's too much space but, thankfully, we make it work.

If you're looking 1-4 hours from central PA, go Philly or Pittsburgh.