[Emberbit]

Is there anyone here who has made an adoption plan for a younger sibling when the older one was living with you and was old enough to ask questions? I know people who have placed a younger sibling when the older one was 1 or 2 years old but at that age, they barely notice a pregnancy and aren’t really able to ask questions….

Any advice about how to share the plan with a 6-year-old?

Are there any books on the subject that you would recommend?

[Mommy24]

I have not, but I can recommend a book called "Sam's Sister" by Juliet Bond and here is the description:

SAM'S SISTER is for the children of birthparents who are already raising a child and place a younger child for adoption. This is the first book that has been written for children of birthparents making an adoption plan for a younger sibling.

Rosa, who is 6 years old, comes to understand her mother's dilemma, learns about adoption, and is involved with the birth and placement of Sam with his new parents.



Good Luck!!

[StacyKelly2]

In our situation and I am the adoptive mom. We met with the birth mom's other children and got to know them a little bit. Our son's birth mom was honest with them telling them that she was carrying the baby for us since we did not have any children. She told them that we wanted a baby very, very much and would love the baby so much!! - I am sure this cannot be an easy discussion honesty is the best. Our son's birth mom tells us that the children only asked when she got back from the hospital. I send pictures all the time, and the birth mom says when she feels the time is right and they have more questions she will tell them. Her children are young right now, so maybe the questions just are not there for now.

[Emberbit]

I think depending how old the children are, the questions may not be there. A friend of mine recently carried twins as a gestational surrogate. Her son was 3 and didn’t even asked questions really, just noted that mommy was fat and tired because of the babies but they’d be born soon and he’d get his mommy back. My munchkin on the other hand practically needed a biology lesson, including pictures of embryos, and a terminology lesson for words like “blastocyst, embryo, and fetus.” And not only does she now use them correctly, she can now explain (and did to anyone who asked for months) how IVF with a gestational carrier works. I suspect we’ll have the same thing with adoption once I explain about the plan and the pregnancy. Luckily, I don’t have severe morning sickness or she’d already be asking questions…

[StacyKelly2]

At 6 years old she must be extremely smart to ask so many questions, but that just proves that she is so interested and wants to know everything which is a good thing. The only way to know is to ask and she is making sure she gets all the answers...lol. Children will surprise you with how much they pick up and how much they learn. As an adoptive mom my 2 year old some of the words he comes up with totally surprises us out of nowhere he says "Oh my goodness" we just laugh. My mother watches him during the day and I know everything she teaches him at night he will tell me all his new words. It is amazing how much a child can learn. Just be open and honest with her, and speak from your heart everything will be fine.

[Emberbit]

The discussion on Gestational surrogacy started with "Where are the twins going to sleep when they're born?" (In their bedroom at their parent's house.) Moved to "Why can't the mommy carry her own babies." (Because she got sick and they had to take her uterus out. We previously discussed "uterus" when answering questions about the cat's pregnancy.) And then she dropped the subject for a while.

A couple of weeks later, she comes back to teh subject. "Did it hurt Kim to have the babies put in there?" (no sweetheart. They were very small at teh time, only 5 days old. A baby still inside a female is called a fetus and when it's so small that you can only see it wiht a microscope, it's called an embryo.) "How big is an embryo?" (Dig out embryo pictures form a biology text book.) "How big are the fetuses now?" (find a pregnancy website comparing fetus size to sizes of fruit.) "Was I ever that small?" (yup but you got bigger.) Again, the subject was over for a little while and we digresed into a discussion of how things grow and why don't her dolls grow.

You get the idea. It's a nightmare.

[StacyKelly2]

Now you have me laughing that is just too much. You may not have to talk about this later, it seems she is learning everything at such a young age. I guess now a days the children are learning quickly. I am scared to think of what my child will be asking at that age...lol. I know usually the 3 year olds favorite word is "Why?"- I remember watching my Godson at the age of 3 and he was so full of questions and everything was why....The more questions the better the learning process. I remember when talking to our son's birth mom over the phone, and I could hear the other children in the background. Some of the things they would say or come up with -we would be laughing together , it was so funny. You just never know what will come out of their mouths. That is one of the most precious things about them.

[Emberbit]

I think sometimes when parents are uncomfortable, they obsure teh issue and tehn later have to straighten things out. I promised myself that even if I was uncomfortable, I wouldn't dodge.

So when her aunt's queen (cat) came up pregnant and her questions was, "Did Missy eat the kittens to get them in her belly?" I borrowed a vetrinary biology book from a nearby college library and showed her a picture of the interior of a pregnant cat. then we discussed that animals who carry their young inside have a "uterus" for the young to grow in. She was pretty young adn didn't associate humans as "animals that carry their young inside their bodies" until over a year later...but by then, the foundation was already there including correct terms for baby animals and adult animals...as we never used "baby talk" with her.

We just kept pushing until she got the correct terms. And we answered every "Why?" and "How" so completely that she didn't ask the same question again until she was a little older and needed a more in-depth answer than previously provided.

Of course, she potty trained dead late (3.5!) and still hates to read...so not everything is perfect...

[billysmommy]

I am an amom - hope you don't mind me piping in.....

Both of my children were placed by the same first mom. She was parenting a 15 month old when she placed our son, so he didn't understand yet. They did talk to him about his brother and about adoption, which I am sure gave him some foundation for the future. However, when he was 4 1/2 , she placed our daughter with us, and there were plenty of questions. She always told him the truth ( of course age appropriately) behind her choices. I know that she talked about how difficult it would be to provide for 2 or 3 children as opposed to only 1. She also told him that she wanted his brother and sister to have the same that he did - and she wasn't able to provide it for all of them.

I have to be honest, it has not been easy for this child. However, because they talked so much and so openly about it, and validated his feelings, he feels comfortable talking about it with them - which I think is key.

Good Luck to you