[Emberbit]

Did you (b-mom) choose a name for the baby? Did the a-parents keep it or incorporate it into the name they now use? Did you ask to have input into the name but let the a-parents have final pick?

What did you (would you) do if the a-parents picked a name that you didn’t like/weren’t comfortable with? Would you tell them?

If you knew pre-birth that the name they wanted to use was one you really didn’t like, would you pick another couple?

I know it sounds kind of trivial considering everything else…but at the moment, it’s the thing I’m stuck on the most…

[josh1788smom]

My situation is not typical.

I did name my son. I had every plan on raising him. I was 17 (almost 18) when he was born. I had finished high school and was enrolled in college for the next semester. I relied on my parents for support. Their support was passive-aggressive. That was not support, in my opinion, that was subtle manipulation.

After 5 weeks, my dad made me call his infertile cousin. They had contacted my parents earlier and had met with us about adopting my baby (didn't know what I was having). After my son was born, I called this cousin TWICE to tell them I was parenting - they still came to my parents' house to get my baby once my dad made me call them. I guess they figured they could not lose the opportunity.

I guess since he was with me for 5 weeks, they kept his name. They changed his middle name to his adad's middle name. I'm glad he still has the name I gave him.

PS - That was one of the things I told him in my first letter to him. I wanted him to know I had something to do with his identity.

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by Emberbit

Did you (b-mom) choose a name for the baby? Did the a-parents keep it or incorporate it into the name they now use? Did you ask to have input into the name but let the a-parents have final pick?

What did you (would you) do if the a-parents picked a name that you didn’t like/weren’t comfortable with? Would you tell them?

If you knew pre-birth that the name they wanted to use was one you really didn’t like, would you pick another couple?

I know it sounds kind of trivial considering everything else…but at the moment, it’s the thing I’m stuck on the most…

I'm a birthparent in reunion after a closed adoption in the late 70's. I chose a name and middle name and the adoptive parents chose another completely different name. I like the name they have chosen and in my case, I like it more than the one I chose.

I think that if you are having your baby/child adopted, even in an open adoption, I think if you feel that strongly that you would even consider choosing other parents when it comes to the name, i would question your readiness in having your baby adopted. Are you really sure you want to go through with this? Are you really ready for the permanence of it?

If you want that kind of input to the extent of even naming the child, considering they will be emotionally engaging with the child, treating the baby as their own, the amount of blood, sweat and tears involved in raising them that all children need, and finance involved too, I would honestly let the adoptive parents choose a name they want, even if you don't like it. At the end of the day, who is raising the child? I would ask you to ask yourself why is it so important to you that you decide what is or is not a right name for your baby?

It's only my thoughts at the end of the day, but I would ask myself why do you want to relinquish the child if its that important to you regarding the name?

If I were adopting a child and this was an issue, I would wonder what else you were going to decide for me and it would put me on edge, to be honest. It sounds initially on what little you've said above that you may be having second thoughts? Would you regret giving up your child? Perhaps you need to work through your deepest thoughts before going through this. Only my 2 cents worth, but said with great concern as to how you are really feeling about all this.

[Emberbit]

At this point, I’m doing research, considering my options. There is more than abortion, adoption, parenting, as I had originally though. There is temporary guardianship (who I would ask to do this, I don’t know, but it is theoretically at least, an option) and several other options. Making an adoption plan (which I am not yet committed to doing) is simply one possibility. That’s why I’m doing my research. At 8 weeks along, I have plenty of time and no one will force one decision or another on me, it will be only what I think is best (as the father has said he will defer to my opinion).

I won’t go into the details here. They’re on my blog but most people here won’t want to read my rambling on the topic. At the moment, I’m learning. I pop over here to ask questions when I can’t really find a satisfactory answer anywhere else.

To me, a name sounds like such a small thing to be able to give to a baby. The a-parents will be mommy & daddy. They’ll get everything from 2am feedings to skinned knees to curfew & prom night. If I’m lucky, I might get to watch form a distance for as long as they are willing to allow it (hopefully, long term but we know these things can’t be forced).

[SchmennaLeigh]

No, I did not pick a name. My agency talked me out of the idea. However, her nickname has stuck throught he years.

Naming wasn't a deal breaker for me, obviously.

[taramayrn]

For me I don't believe that naming was a deal breaker. The adoptive parents, the bdad and I all chose our son's name together. It was nice to be involved in that important process.

[BrandyHagz]

At our first meeting, my daughters parents asked me how I felt about taking part in picking her name. They wanted me to play an active role.

Together we named her, that name is still hers today. It appears on both her original and amended birth certificates.

It wasn't a deal breaker for me either.

[Jannyroo]

[quote=Emberbit]At this point, I’m doing research, considering my options. There is more than abortion, adoption, parenting, as I had originally though. There is temporary guardianship (who I would ask to do this, I don’t know, but it is theoretically at least, an option) and several other options. Making an adoption plan (which I am not yet committed to doing) is simply one possibility. quote]

Thanks for more information. The only thing I can put to you and say is that in my experience (closed adoption nearly 30 years ago) that it is good that you are considering your options, but also, be prepared for how you actually feel once your child is born. Its amazing how you actually DO feel once that little person arrives that you have nurtured in your womb. Mine was taken away from me immediately because he was premature and also because they knew I was giving him up for adoption (no parents chosen then at that stage he was to go into foster care until parents decided upon. I wasn't even told I could choose, in fact no other option but closed adoption was put to me!).

Myself and my sons father had discussed what we wanted for our child during pregnancy and we agreed that the child would be adopted. However, once I gave birth and my son was a premature baby and whisked away from me, I was up in the prem unit and holding my sons little hands (born 4lbs 40z) and urging him to fight and live.

Despite the fact I left the hospital without him, something just wasn't right and I took him out of care and tried to raise him myself. I had no support from family and social workers put the pressure on to give him up by rehousing me in an obviously ridiculous place far from anywhere. I wish I had had more information at that time and been more informed and I wish that a more temporary solution could have been found. It was for me, looking back, a drastic measure when with more encouragement and help, more short term measures may have helped me keep my son. I look back now and realise how in my case it paralysed me for life.

Giving up a child is quite something. I am happy to hear that you are considering all the options. I thought I could get on with my life and I'm amazed that it took my son to find me last year after 28 years to realise just how that relinquishment had impacted on my health, myself emotionally and my relationships with others. My background is obviously different to yours and others, but just a few thoughts that may help you in your decision making.

[srusse24]

Our son's birthmom gave him his first name and we gave him his middle name. This what we agreed upon before the birth.

Dh and I had actually already chosen a name, but when his bmom approached me about a name she picked, there was no question we would use her name. The name she chose for him has the same first letter as her name, and I look forward to telling him that his first mom gave him his name and the significance of the name.

[jen40]

As someone on the other side, I think that if naming the child - or even helping to name them is very important to you - it is something that can easily be worked out between you and the family you choose (if adoption is your choice). I will never carry a baby so I cannot say I know how it feels to have someone growing inside of me - someone that you love very much - I can only imagine that you want to name them, to call them something. If adoption is your choice, I urge you to be open and honest with the family or agency (or whomever you work with) that naming the baby is something important to you...I think doing your research will lead you to the right decision for you. Best wishes.

[happygmom]

If the name of your child is important to you and your family's culture, then it is likely that it will be important to your child as he/she matures.

Do you think your child will care about his/her name with respect to his/her cultural background? If yes, then it should be an important factor in your negotations with the adoptive parents. If it is important to you - it is a deal breaker if they are not respectful of your family's culture.

Happy G'Ma

[Boulderbabe]

FWIW, my son's mother chose his first name. I did foster-to-adopt, so even though my son came to me at age 21 days, I didn't adopt him until he was 2. I could have changed his name at that point, but by then it was so *him,* KWIM? It's not a name I would have chosen, but it's his name, and I love him, so I love his name. And it's left him with a connection to his bmom that I think he'll value as he grows older.

I did change his middle name, though, because it was his father's first name. I think his relationship with his bdad is going to be mighty complicated, and so I thought he should have the freedom to embrace that part of his identity or not, as he chooses. If he gets to a certain age and wants that name back, I'll take him to the courthouse and we'll change it back.

So, yeah, I think if you want to pick the name, and you can find a family that agrees, it's not a big problem. The aparents will eventually love the name because they love the kid, and the kid will get the gift of a name from you.

[Adopted-B-4]

I am a-mom but in our situation, our birthmother asked if we had a name chosen and we did, she said she liked it and never said anything else about it until she gave birth. She decided to name them, she said she wanted them to know she loved them enough to name them and she knew that when the adoption was final, they would get new birth certificates anyway so it didn't matter to her that we named them. But if it did matter, we would never have changed their names and would have kept them as she chose them to be. If in a future adoption, we have a birthmother that wants a name incorporated into one we have chosen, we can certainly do that too. We would have been open to incorporating her names too, had she wanted us to.

[aspenhall]

We adopted our daughter as an older child. she came with her name. However, her middle name had very negative connotations and didn't fit a sweet little 3 yr old...she also didn't really know her middle name. So we asked her if she'd like to pick out a new middle name, she said yes and we ended up agreeing on one that is a tradtion in my family. It also happens to be my middle name, so she is very proud to share mommie's middle name.

If I had hated her first name, we might have made it her middle name...but we really liked it.

To this day, I'm not sure if the bmom ever even knew of the change. I don't know if she would care, to tell you the truth.

[rredhead]

To me, a name sounds like such a small thing to be able to give to a baby.

This is just how I feel and I'm not out to offend anyone.

I think a name is HUGE. It's what you call someone everyday. A name often defines a person. There have been studies done that when a child has a name like "Barbie" or "Candy" that those children are more likely to be thought of as "not smart." Children with names like "Mildred" and "Elmer" didn't do as well on essay questions than children who had more "likeable" names. I changed my own name because I didn't feel that it was representative of me. We chose our son's name to honor his grandfather and a favorite uncle. Names have meaning. In some cultures, there are rituals surrounding naming children.

I don't think you're wrong to want to name your child. But a name isn't necessarily a small thing.