[I.LOVE.MY.KIDS]

Hello everyone!

Recently my family found out that my much younger, 15 y.o. sister is pregnant. As Christians my family and my sister are not considering abortion as an option. However, obviously, she is not emotionally capable of raising a baby on her own.

The situation still feels pretty surreal since we found out a little less than a week ago; however, I feel that the best thing to do is research the options with her now. Right now, she is waffling back-and-forth between adoption and raising the baby herself with my mom’s help.

Since this will be my first niece/nephew, I am reluctant to suggest adoption; however, I feel that this will be my sister’s best chance at finishing high school/college and living a full life. However, I am curious if she chooses adoption if she will feel guilt and regret for the rest of her life. This brings me to the reason for my posting… I am wondering if there are any birthmothers out there that would be willing to share their stories with me and my sister so that she can make an informed decision. My feeling is that the quicker she decides which option is best for her, the more time she will have to prepare herself emotionally for either decision.

I realize that everyone responds to situations in a different way, however, I am looking for answers to somewhat general questions. I am sorry if some of them seem obvious or silly to you, but please keep in mind that I am helping a 15 y.o. research. Specifically, these are the questions I have…

1. How long has it been since the baby was adopted?

2. Was the adoption at birth or was the baby older when it was adopted?

3. Have you had more children since placing the baby up for adoption?

4. If so, do you feel that the decision to have more children has uprooted any suppressed emotions?

5. Have you participated in counseling? If so, do you feel that it has made a significant positive impact?

6. In hindsight do you still feel that you have made the best decision for the baby? For yourself?

7. Have you had a (mostly) positive or negative experience with the adoption process?

8. What has been your involvement with the baby (open/closed)? And what has your experience (if any) been with the adoptive family?

9. Did you choose the adoptive family? If so, how would you describe the process?

10. Do you feel that you were fully informed when you made your decision? If not, is there anything that you know now that you wish you would have known then?

11. Do you have any advice for birthmothers considering adoption as their primary option?

12. Do you have any advice as to how the birthmother’s family could help her cope with the transition?

13. Do you ever regret or feel guilty about your decision? If so, how do you cope?


Thank you so much for your help in researching this option. God bless.

[BrandyHagz]

1. How long has it been since the baby was adopted?

11 years, three months, twelve days since I gave birth, 11 years, three months eleven days since I sent her home with her parents.

2. Was the adoption at birth or was the baby older when it was adopted?

At birth

3. Have you had more children since placing the baby up for adoption?

No, my husband and I have struggled with infertility since our marriage, six and a half years ago.

4. If so, do you feel that the decision to have more children has uprooted any suppressed emotions?

I have one son, born before the daughter I placed - parenting him has raised issues of 'what could have been' over the years, but since I had no children after, I can't reply to the emotions surrounding pregnancy/birth post placement (I hope Jenna replies for you)

5. Have you participated in counseling? If so, do you feel that it has made a significant positive impact?

I paid for counseling for myself - most agencies (at least the one I used) don't offer 'counseling' persay...they offer someone to talk to - its not really the same.

6. In hindsight do you still feel that you have made the best decision for the baby? For yourself?

Yes, I made the best decision I could have made, under the circumstances.

7. Have you had a (mostly) positive or negative experience with the adoption process?

I had a negative experience with the process of adoption (I had a bad agency) but I have had a positive experience with her parents and our subsequent very open adoption.

8. What has been your involvement with the baby (open/closed)? And what has your experience (if any) been with the adoptive family?

We have an amazing open adoption relationship - we've had a great experience with that and work hard to make sure all of her needs are met regarding to questions only I can answer. My daughter will be here next Tuesday for a week long visit - I've very excited!

9. Did you choose the adoptive family? If so, how would you describe the process?

Yes, it was ok - I was given a book and they pointed to the families that met my specific requirements.

10. Do you feel that you were fully informed when you made your decision? If not, is there anything that you know now that you wish you would have known then?

I was informed as I wanted to be - but they made no special effort to try to inform me further - but I also don't believe that's their job...as ADOPTION agencies - they are there for one reason, adoption...it's not really their place to explain my options to me. Its the reason why I suggest mothers seek out unbiased counseling, offered by someone NOT affiliated or motivated by the agency.

11. Do you have any advice for birthmothers considering adoption as their primary option?

Read a lot. Research a lot. It hurts. It doesn't 'just go away' and you don't 'move on'...be prepared for that.

12. Do you have any advice as to how the birthmother’s family could help her cope with the transition?

Whatever way she is comfortable with - they need to follow her lead, if she invites them in at all - I did not have my family involved, so I couldn't really offer up much in regards to this.

13. Do you ever regret or feel guilty about your decision? If so, how do you cope?

Regret the decision? No - I don't - but I regret being in the position and often wish I hadn't been faced with having to make one of the hardest decisions I have ever been forced to make in my entire life. Do I feel guilty? Every day.

I urge you to step back and point her in the direction of finding information - allow her to be in control and guide the process. She needs to explore and research herself, because this will be a decision she will have to live with for the rest of her life.

[I.LOVE.MY.KIDS]

Thank you so much for sharing! I am really trying to gather information for her to look over and consider. Since she doesn't really know what she wants to do, I figured that a forum like this was the best place for her to find some real answers. Agencies definately serve their purpose, but I don't expect to get unbiased advise from them or anyone they woudl have her talk to. Thanks again for your help!

[SchmennaLeigh]

1. How long has it been since the baby was adopted?

3 and a half years.

2. Was the adoption at birth or was the baby older when it was adopted?

Birth.

3. Have you had more children since placing the baby up for adoption?

Yes.

4. If so, do you feel that the decision to have more children has uprooted any suppressed emotions?

I didn't start therapy until our parented son was a month old. It brought up a LOT of crap that I didn't know to expect and/or thought I had worked through. The birth of my first parented child was so very hard on me emotionally which I find sad to have to say.

5. Have you participated in counseling? If so, do you feel that it has made a significant positive impact?

Unfortunately, my unethical agency didn't offer legitimate counseling pre-placement. Had I been counseled about options OR THE FACT THAT OPEN ADOPTION IS NOT LEGALLY BINDING IN MY STATE, I wouldn't have placed. That said, I've been in therapy for a year and a half now. It took me awhile to find a therapist who had adoption experience. It has saved my life.

6. In hindsight do you still feel that you have made the best decision for the baby? For yourself?

No, though she has a great family. No, though my life is good.

7. Have you had a (mostly) positive or negative experience with the adoption process?

Our experience has been positive. The emotional aftermath has been mostly negative.

8. What has been your involvement with the baby (open/closed)? And what has your experience (if any) been with the adoptive family?

Fully open. I love my daughter's family as if they were my own. We are a rarity.

9. Did you choose the adoptive family? If so, how would you describe the process?

Yes. Difficult at best.

10. Do you feel that you were fully informed when you made your decision? If not, is there anything that you know now that you wish you would have known then?

I was in NO WAY fully informed. My agency mislead and blatantly lied to me in order to get the child. I wish someone would have told me that open adoptions are not legally enforceable in all but 14(16 now?) states. I wish someone would have told me the effect that the placement would have on those that I loved and the feelings of guilt that I would forever hold because of that. I wish someone would have told me how nothing would ever be "complete," that something would always be missing. I wish someone would have told me ANYTHING about post-placement emotions and how they don't magically go away. It's not something you forget. It's not. No matter what they say.

11. Do you have any advice for birthmothers considering adoption as their primary option?

Exhaust ALL possibilities before you make it your primary option. Don't use the agency that I did. (PM me for the name.) And remember that you are NOT OBLIGATED TO PLACE, even if the match is made prior to birth. Even if you have accepted money/gifts/etc. Even if you promised someone. If you want to parent after that baby is born and before TPR is signed: DO IT.

12. Do you have any advice as to how the birthmother’s family could help her cope with the transition?

Family's need to keep their own emotions in check. If you say something nasty just because you're emotionally wrecked, it will haunt her for life, long after you've forgotten your words.

13. Do you ever regret or feel guilty about your decision? If so, how do you cope?

I regret it every day. I feel guilty every day. I cope via therapy, writing, and the knowledge that at least my involvement in her life will maybe, somehow, hopefully have a beneficial outcome.

[MommaKatja]

• How long has it been since the baby was adopted?

Almost 6 years

2. Was the adoption at birth or was the baby older when it was adopted?
birth

3. Have you had more children since placing the baby up for adoption?
No and at this point I don’t know if I’ll ever be emotionally ready to although I’d like to have 2 more

4. If so, do you feel that the decision to have more children has uprooted any suppressed emotions?
the thought of possibly having more children has uprooted many many suppressed emotions which is why I may never have any more

5. Have you participated in counseling? If so, do you feel that it has made a significant positive impact?
No, I should but it’s expensive…

6. In hindsight do you still feel that you have made the best decision for the baby? For yourself?
I made a good decision. Not knowing the outcome of the alternative I can’t know if it was best or not but it has turned out well for all involved.

7. Have you had a (mostly) positive or negative experience with the adoption process?
Mostly positive, although even I have a hard time believing that looking back at the rest of my answers but the process was mostly positive especially when compared to the stories I've read here from others

8. What has been your involvement with the baby (open/closed)? And what has your experience (if any) been with the adoptive family?
Open although separated by vast distance. We are family. I love them I chose them because M reminded me of me and we all get along well. They are good people.

9. Did you choose the adoptive family? If so, how would you describe the process?
Yes. Heartbreaking.

10. Do you feel that you were fully informed when you made your decision? If not, is there anything that you know now that you wish you would have known then?
No. I wish my mother had told me she’d have helped me if I’d chosen to parent. I wish my father had told me he didn’t hate me. I wish SOMEONE had told me there were resources. I wish someone had told me it wasn’t impossible to get a college degree and be a mother. I wish…so many things.

11. Do you have any advice for birthmothers considering adoption as their primary option?
I would tell them that adoption should be their last option. I would tell them it’s okay to change their mind, there might be guilt especially if they’ve already chosen potential adoptive parents but there will be so much more guilt if they change their mind when it’s really too late.

12. Do you have any advice as to how the birthmother’s family could help her cope with the transition?
Be open and honest and non-judgmental. Give space when needed. Be supportive. Offer help whether it’s a shoulder to cry on, help paying for counseling, whatever you can offer.

13. Do you ever regret or feel guilty about your decision? If so, how do you cope?
I try not to have regrets but I do have a lot of "what if" moments
guilt- absolutely all the time
As far as coping..well I’ll let you know when I figure it out.

[peanutsmommy]

Hey, I just wanted to say its a myth that you can't finish high school or even colelge with a child in tow. You can. I have taught single mothers, that were very young at the community college. Those students did very well. In fact, I always found students with children to be the best workers because they have someone else to keep in mind. Is it harder yes, but it can be done. Teen mothers also get in trouble less then their counterparts. Some schools will even work with young mothers.

Tell your sister, that her situation is temporary and someday she will grow up, finish school and get a job. She needs to understand this when she is considering adoption.

Here is a story of a family that made it work
Forum:'Dad, I'm pregnant': One family's story

Also, what about the child's father. What does his family think? Are they supportive. Legally the father's has to pay support and if he is a minor then his parent's have to. They might be a great resource.

At walmart, you can buy ormula for half the prize then at regular places. Parent's choice is so cheap.

Diapers are really cheap at Toys R. US.

And there are always people willing to part with gently used baby clothes and items. I just had a baby and I got bombarded with it.

I'm not trying to purseude your sister one way or the other, but just trying to give you some helpful information.

I hope of this helps

[BrandyHagz]

Just to keep things fair and balanced – child support is NOT a guarantee! No matter WHAT the law says and no matter what happened with your friends etc – you are never guaranteed a monthly child support check, so when making the decision to place or parent, I always encourage women/men to look at the realities of their life and determine if they can make it without that money – because making a decision based on what is right and what is reality are two very different things.

I don’t encourage one way or the other – I firmly believe that every woman faced with an unplanned pregnancy should be presented with the facts then they should move forward and make whatever decision fits best in their life and the life of their child.

I have lived in four states (Texas, North Carolina, Illinois and now Arizona) and not ONE state has ever been able to enforce the child support order I was granted in Texas in 1995. My son’s father has paid a grand total of just under $1000 in child support over the course of the last twelve years of my son’s life. There are loopholes and they are used often.

If child support is the deciding factor of placing vs. not placing – look at the realities of the situation…just because it’s the law and it’s the right thing to do, doesn’t mean its going to happen. The only person you can ever count on is yourself – so if you can do it by yourself, then go for it…but that just isn’t the case for some people, so they make an adoption plan.

[browneyes0707]

I'd love to answer, but I'm swamped right now. I'll post later!!!!

[BMOM&MOM]

[quote=MommaKatja][list][*][size=3][font=Times New Roman]How long has it been since the baby was adopted 24 years
2. Was the adoption at birth or was the baby older when it was adopted?
birth
[size=3][font=Times New Roman]3. Have you had more children since placing the baby up for adoption?
Yes..I married the birthfather 3 years after placing our son. We know have 3 daughters 15,13,9...
4. If so, do you feel that the decision to have more children has uprooted any suppressed emotions?
I was putting my youngest to bed last night and again had the same feelings of lost that I never was able to do this will my son....I often get feelings of lost and regret..I am not depressed...But let me put it to you this way...My greatest accomplish in life was being a mother(to my daughters) the worst decision I made in my life was not being a mother. IF my daughters ever became pregnant..I would raise the child myself..my son was placed because I was told I would be selfish to raise my son as a single parent..I could not provide my son with what he might need...My son adoptive parents ended up divorced when he was 3. He also was subject to her boyfriend living there...It was not a bad life but could I have done just as well.Probably..The point i am making is you do not know what type of person the adoptive parents are going to be..I would not ever ever let one of my daughters go thru the grief and loss I have experience...it has never gone away5. Have you participa...[SIZEted in counseling? Yes I did..A support group for birth mothers and private counsiling..I am now on American Adoption Congress and look forward
6. In hindsight do you still feel that you have made the best decision for the baby? For yourselfAt the time I did not believe I could be a good parent...No I did not make the best decision for myself..I made the unselfish decision because i wanted my child to have all of what they told me I could not provide
7. Have you had a (mostly) positive or negative experience with the adoption process?

It was not good...But I did not let it get to me
8. What has been your involvement with the baby (open/closed)? And what has your experience (if any) been with the adoptive family?
Closed-1983 We were able to reconnect when our son was 12.We did not meet our son until he was 17..It has not been a good relationship with the adoptive parents and at this point our son does not want 9. Did you choose the adoptive family? No....We did request to meet the parents once and these were the only parents that would...They were nice but the experience was awful..these were the people taking my baby...It does not matter if the person is 15 or 25 this is the baby growing in her..her baby..
10. Do you feel that you were fully informed when you made your decision? If not, is there anything that you know now that you wish you would have known then?
I agree with this poster....No. I wish my mother had told me she’d have helped me if I’d chosen to parent. I wish my father had told me he didn’t hate me. I wish SOMEONE had told me there were resources. I wish someone had told me it wasn’t impossible to get a college degree and be a mother. I wish…so many things11. Do you have any advice for birthmothers considering adoption as their primary option.,Again I agree with this poster....I would tell them that adoption should be their last option. I would tell them it’s okay to change their mind, there might be guilt especially if they’ve already chosen potential adoptive parents but there will be so much more guilt if they change their mind when it’s really too late.

12. Do you have any advice as to how the birthmother’s family could help her cope with the transition?Again in agreement....
Be open and honest and non-judgmental. Give space when needed. Be supportive. Offer help whether it’s a shoulder to cry on, help paying for counseling, whatever you can offer.
13. Do you ever regret or feel guilty about your decision? If so, how do you cope?Of course quilty...I gave away my flesh and blood ...my son...I did not forget him ever..He is in my prayers and thoughts every morning I wake and every night I close my eyes...I wish I had been stronger to make the hard and maybe selfish choice...I cope by loving my daughters knowing I made the only choice I knew of at the time...by being here if he ever need or want to see me again..Are you ready that the baby that is to be placed might never want to see the mother again...Some adoptee do not like that we made the choices for them ...They feel out of control..There control is to say hey I do not have to talk to you again...or are the adoptive parents safe..will they be always able to provide and be loving....tough questions..Situation change..but going down this road once ..I know I am a good parent and I would never leave my child in the hands of someone who is not..I took a big gamble and didn't even know it...Luckly it was only a divorce in my son future...What is in the future of the child you want placed.....

[Patty-cake]

It is wonderful that you came here to try to help your sister make an informed decision. Even though she is only 15 it is her baby. Please encourage your family let this be her own decision. She is the one that will be living with it for the next 70 or so years- long after some of them (family members) are dead and gone.

Now days girls are allowed to attend school when they are pregnant. There is help available to help her further her education if she desires. Medicaid will cover the for prenatal care, delivery and the baby's medical for at least a year-often longer. Since she and the baby are considered a separate family, she can buy milk and formula using the WIC program for sure until the child is over 5 years old. If your parent's don't object she and the baby may also qualify for food stamps.

Fifteen is very young. Little Sister would have to realise that Mom and Dad are there to help- not to raise the baby for her. That she will be sacrificing her own childhood. Personally I think even if she goes with adoption she won't be a kid again not in the same way other girls are.

Adoption has changed since my day and some of our members report being satisfied with their open-adoption arangement, but they still miss their babies. It is a sacrifice usually made because they feel it is best for the child. A few think it is best for themselves.

1. How long has it been since the baby was adopted? 36 1/2 years

2. Was the adoption at birth or was the baby older when it was adopted? birth

3. Have you had more children since placing the baby up for adoption?yes

4. If so, do you feel that the decision to have more children has uprooted any suppressed emotions? not sure what you mean, my son did not replace the one lost to adoption, I still missed her but having him was a joy and still is

5. Have you participated in counseling? If so, do you feel that it has made a significant positive impact? Counsiling through the maturnity home only made me feel inadaquate and adversly affected myself image for years. I am in counsiling now since 3 years ago my daughter and I were reunited- then she withdrew from the relationship quickly. It has helped me to accept the past. I am very unhappy about the present but am trying to carry on.
6. In hindsight do you still feel that you have made the best decision for the baby?Hard to say. She thinks so. My daughter has had a life of priveledge and a family that loves her. Who's to say what it would have been like with me? I love her also. There were some bad choices on my part after the adoption (mainly my first marriage) but I don't think I would have married the jerk if my self immage had been better. I have a good life now. For yourself? It was absolutely wrong for me.
This was long ago. My choice was made because I had no family support and no help from birthfather to keep her and knowledge of other help that may have been available. I was constantly told that I wasn't good enough.

7. Have you had a (mostly) positive or negative experience with the adoption process? Good in that my wishes were considered in choosing a family even though I had no way of knowing that for the first 33 years. Negative as far as what it did to me. I repeat this was a long time ago.

8. What has been your involvement with the baby (open/closed)? And what has your experience (if any) been with the adoptive family?All adoption was closed back then. A.mom was against our reunion and I feel she has laid guilt on my daughter for finding me. I do think she has been a good mom acording to my daughter so I like that.

9. Did you choose the adoptive family? If so, how would you describe the process?
No, that wasn't done back then but I did ask that the parents be over 30, Christian and have other children.
10. Do you feel that you were fully informed when you made your decision?
not informed of other options
If not, is there anything that you know now that you wish you would have known then?
Medicaid will pick up your bill up to 3 month after the birth for one thing
11. Do you have any advice for birthmothers considering adoption as their primary option? Let this be your decision. If you do it be sure the parents you pick have been married several years.Don't do a closed adoption.

12. Do you have any advice as to how the birthmother’s family could help her cope with the transition?
Let her decide. If she goes with adoption let her talk about it as much as she needs to. Get therapy from a dis intrested source- not adoption agency- or a.parent's lawyer's choice.

If she keeps the baby be sure the baby knows that she is mom. Help her to be responsible. Fifteen is so young.

If she wants an abortion make sure that she gets counsiling. She will live with whatever she decides longer and more closely than anyone else. It would be hard to live with that on your concience if 10 years later you desided it was a sin.

There are states where she could get married if the guy is interested- people used to do it even at 15. Sometimes it worked out. Mom would probably have to help out then also.

Like I told my daughter - There are no good options. They all stink just in different ways.


13. Do you ever regret or feel guilty about your decision? If so, how do you cope?Regret- constantly- this was my first born child. Guilt- never it was a sacrifice. Now that it has been 36 years and the last 3 spent in therapy- I try to avoid thinking about it except in therapy or on this site. It is difficult not to let it consume my every waking moment.

I wish Little Sister wasn't faced with this but it doesn't have to be a tragedy. A baby is a wonderful gift. Patty

[browneyes0707]

1. How long has it been since the baby was adopted?
15 years. So your post hits me kind of hard in the sense that my DD isn't even old enough to handle reunion right now, I can't imagine her being fifteen and pregnant! Your sis is lucky to have your support!

2. Was the adoption at birth or was the baby older when it was adopted?
at birth

3. Have you had more children since placing the baby up for adoption?
No, but I do plan on having more after I marry

4. If so, do you feel that the decision to have more children has uprooted any suppressed emotions?
I fully expect there to be a lot of supressed emotions when I do get pregnant and give birth. Especially being a parent.

5. Have you participated in counseling? If so, do you feel that it has made a significant positive impact?
I did not have counseling. I probably should have, although I did not realize how it affected me until I was older. Back then I thought it would just get easier.

6. In hindsight do you still feel that you have made the best decision for the baby? For yourself?
My DD has had a great life with a great family. She has everything I wanted for her. For me I like my life right now, and I know it would not be this way had I not made that choice. I'm not saying it would have been better, just different

7. Have you had a (mostly) positive or negative experience with the adoption process?
Mostly positive

8. What has been your involvement with the baby (open/closed)? And what has your experience (if any) been with the adoptive family?
I started out with an open adoption, but I backed away before DD was old enough to really establish a relationship with her. Her a-family is AMAZING, I am grateful that the door was always left open to me, and right now I have a semi open adoption. They have always been gracious to me.

9. Did you choose the adoptive family? If so, how would you describe the process?
I did a private domestic adoption, I was matched through mutual friends, so I'm not sure about agency experiences, but I know the minute I spoke with them, we clicked instantly and I knew they were the right family.

10. Do you feel that you were fully informed when you made your decision? If not, is there anything that you know now that you wish you would have known then?
No, I really was never told of my options, and here is where it is bad not to have agency/third party involvement. I made the decision to place on my own, didn't tell my parents, and wasn't speaking to the birthfather at the time I made the decision, so he had no say either. Sometimes I wish that I could have explored parenting a little further. I did not consider parenting, I was terrified I'd "screw her up" with my teenage youth, that she would not have a father in her life, and that I could not rely on anyone for support. I know now that it would have been hard, but I would have been OK, B-dad would have stepped up, if only because of the fact that he loves her, and my parents probably would have helped. I do wish I had realized this before.

Oh, and it doesn't get easier as the years go on. I wish someone would have told me that.


11. Do you have any advice for birthmothers considering adoption as their primary option?
Do your homework. Research your options. Hold out for the family that makes you comfortable, that truly "matches" you. Don't give in to coersion from anyone!

12. Do you have any advice as to how the birthmother’s family could help her cope with the transition?
Let her take the lead. If she wants to talk, listen. If she doesn't, give her space. It's hard to say, but one thing is true, she will never forget, so don't pretend it never happened.

13. Do you ever regret or feel guilty about your decision? If so, how do you cope?
I, like others have said, regret being put in a position where the best option was to lose my first born. But I don't regret or feel guilty for my choice. I did the best I could at the time, and I stand by it.


Good luck to you and your family. Hope this helped!

[josh1788smom]

1. How long has it been since the baby was adopted? He went to live with afamily 11/88 - adoption finalized 8/89

2. Was the adoption at birth or was the baby older when it was adopted? he was 5 weeks old

3. Have you had more children since placing the baby up for adoption? yes - I have 3 I am parenting - you could not tear them away from me.

4. If so, do you feel that the decision to have more children has uprooted any suppressed emotions? Sometimes. When my next child was born - everyone wanted to tell me what it would be like "for my first". The one that hit the hardest was the last. She was born a week before he turned 17. Thank God I had her to keep my totally sleepless and busy the last year before he turned 18.

5. Have you participated in counseling? If so, do you feel that it has made a significant positive impact? My parents forced me to go to a psychologist to get me to do what they wanted, which was place. Now I refuse to talk to anyone unless they are a member of the triad.

6. In hindsight do you still feel that you have made the best decision for the baby? For yourself? It was my parents' decision - not mine - I was 17. I contested the adoption once I turned 18. It didn't matter.

7. Have you had a (mostly) positive or negative experience with the adoption process? I think adoption stinks unless it is truly your decision. I would never go that route again. I would never entertain the idea. I have a lot of respect for amoms that do it right, but I feel there are not a lot of them. I wonder if people want to help a homeless child so much, why are their so many older children on sites like this one waiting to be adopted. Why does everyone get crazy and do ridiculous things just for a baby. They grow up too. It is unfair to the older children growing up in the system that are dying to be loved.

8. What has been your involvement with the baby (open/closed)? And what has your experience (if any) been with the adoptive family? Amazingly, I have had really nothing to do with the adoptive family, and I am related to them. Their entire family (and most of the 7 siblings) have completely cut my family off. I have met my son, but only because he turned 18. His parents are still afraid of having him know me. He told me he does not think his mom could handle it.

9. Did you choose the adoptive family? If so, how would you describe the process? see above - My grandma told her infertile nephew I was pregnant. He called my parents and they all decided it would be wonderful for them to adopt my son. I called them twice after he was born and told them I was keeping my baby. My dad made me call them on Sunday, November 20, 1988 to come and get him. Their attorney advised them against it, but they still came. He has been with them ever since.

10. Do you feel that you were fully informed when you made your decision? If not, is there anything that you know now that you wish you would have known then? I wish I would have known the time limits. I had 20 days after the papers were signed to revoke. That happened to be 2 days after my 18th birthday and 2 days before Christmas. I waited until after Christmas but the time had expired. So no dice. Even though my parents forced my signature, I had no required by WV law Legal counsel, and I was told by their attorney that form would expire on my 18th birthday and I should sign the other form he sent once I turned 18. I also wish I would have pursued legal action against my parents.

11. Do you have any advice for birthmothers considering adoption as their primary option?
I would be a bad person to provide advice on this topic.

12. Do you have any advice as to how the birthmother’s family could help her cope with the transition? I would tell them to stay the heck out of it. You do not have the same bond with the child the mother does. It is HER decision.

13. Do you ever regret or feel guilty about your decision? If so, how do you cope? I come here a lot. I obsess about my son. I feel like I have been robbed of a child. But the biggest challenge is that my children have been robbed of a sibling. They will NEVER have the relationship with the dynamic of growing up together. My son has to endure the feelings that someone "gave him up". He has said that to me a dozen times. When my parents were in a quest to save their reputations and have him be raised by 2 parents, they never thought about him being "given up" by his mother. I will never forgive them for that. There is a definite rift in our relationship and I don't know if it will ever go away. Maybe if my son and I are able to establish a real relationship, I will be able to put the hurt aside, but it has not happened yet, and I don't see it happening anytime soon. Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary situation. She will not be 15 forever, and she will not be the 1st 15 year old to give birth. Best of luck in whatever HER decision.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by I.LOVE.MY.KIDS

Hello everyone!

Recently my family found out that my much younger, 15 y.o. sister is pregnant. As Christians my family and my sister are not considering abortion as an option. However, obviously, she is not emotionally capable of raising a baby on her own.

The situation still feels pretty surreal since we found out a little less than a week ago; however, I feel that the best thing to do is research the options with her now. Right now, she is waffling back-and-forth between adoption and raising the baby herself with my mom’s help.

Since this will be my first niece/nephew, I am reluctant to suggest adoption; however, I feel that this will be my sister’s best chance at finishing high school/college and living a full life. However, I am curious if she chooses adoption if she will feel guilt and regret for the rest of her life. This brings me to the reason for my posting… I am wondering if there are any birthmothers out there that would be willing to share their stories with me and my sister so that she can make an informed decision. My feeling is that the quicker she decides which option is best for her, the more time she will have to prepare herself emotionally for either decision.

I realize that everyone responds to situations in a different way, however, I am looking for answers to somewhat general questions. I am sorry if some of them seem obvious or silly to you, but please keep in mind that I am helping a 15 y.o. research. Specifically, these are the questions I have…

1. How long has it been since the baby was adopted?

2. Was the adoption at birth or was the baby older when it was adopted?

3. Have you had more children since placing the baby up for adoption?

4. If so, do you feel that the decision to have more children has uprooted any suppressed emotions?

5. Have you participated in counseling? If so, do you feel that it has made a significant positive impact?

6. In hindsight do you still feel that you have made the best decision for the baby? For yourself?

7. Have you had a (mostly) positive or negative experience with the adoption process?

8. What has been your involvement with the baby (open/closed)? And what has your experience (if any) been with the adoptive family?

9. Did you choose the adoptive family? If so, how would you describe the process?

10. Do you feel that you were fully informed when you made your decision? If not, is there anything that you know now that you wish you would have known then?

11. Do you have any advice for birthmothers considering adoption as their primary option?

12. Do you have any advice as to how the birthmother’s family could help her cope with the transition?

13. Do you ever regret or feel guilty about your decision? If so, how do you cope?


Thank you so much for your help in researching this option. God bless.

1. How long has it been since the baby was adopted?
43 years
2. Was the adoption at birth or was the baby older when it was adopted? at birth

3. Have you had more children since placing the baby up for adoption? I couldn't live without my son and married before he was one year old. Had a second child before he was 2. My son is 43 my raised daughter is 41.

4. If so, do you feel that the decision to have more children has uprooted any suppressed emotions?

I was lost without my first child. Giving him up was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I was never the same after. I was never that carefree 15 I was before I got pregnant. I was a mother without her child.


5. Have you participated in counseling? If so, do you feel that it has made a significant positive impact?

Yes 33 years later. pain is still there, even after 10 years of reunion.

6. In hindsight do you still feel that you have made the best decision for the baby? For yourself?

No.. he would have been better off with me. Yes I would have needed help. But each day I got older, each moment I matured.

7. Have you had a (mostly) positive or negative experience with the adoption process?

it is okay

8. What has been your involvement with the baby (open/closed)? And what has your experience (if any) been with the adoptive family? none closed

9. Did you choose the adoptive family? If so, how would you describe the process?

No they didn't do that in the 1960s

10. Do you feel that you were fully informed when you made your decision? If not, is there anything that you know now that you wish you would have known then?
No I was lied to by everyone, the worse was my mother.

11. Do you have any advice for birthmothers considering adoption as their primary option?

Keep your child if at all possible.

12. Do you have any advice as to how the birthmother’s family could help her cope with the transition?

There is no way anyone can take away the pain of losing a child. You learn to push it away. But it is always there. You learn to deal with it.

13. Do you ever regret or feel guilty about your decision? If so, how do you cope?

Oh yes, I wish I had fought harder, I wish I hadn't been so scared of my mother.

I was able, always able, he was born 16 days after my sixteenth birthday.

If there is any possible way you can help your sister to keep her child, I hope you will find a way to make it work. To help her parent, to help her finish school, to help her keep her soul in tack.

Giving away a child is like giving away part of your heart and soul.

Adoption is wonderful, but it is not always the best answer for the young teen mom to be and her child.

She is not a birth mother, she is an expectant mother.

Becareful that you see into her heart, and the love she may have for her child. don't just look at how young she is at this moment. She will never be that young again.

I could not be what I was not. I was no longer a carefree teenager. I would never be that again.
I was a mother, with no child to hold.


Good luck in whatever decision you make. But please make sure she has no doubt at all before she signs any papers at all.

Allow her to have doubts and be able to share them. Be willing to let her keep her child if she wants too.

So often people around the young mom-to-be forget it is her body, her baby, as they talk about adoptive parents with no children who want a baby. Each time this is said she will begin to feel like she doesn't really count in all this. It starts to sound like everything outside of you is more important then you.

As if the only real being is the baby, and you don't exist.
Everyone becomes so wrapped up in giving the baby up, and life will continue as before when it is gone.

But life is never the same again.

I heard this so many times. We so often we hear people say, God would want you to do this or that. God would want you to make this childless coulple a family, but, God gave her this baby, so he must have meant for her to have the baby. Or else god wouldn't have let her get pregnant.

LOL yes I know.. I have lived this a long time, and some things still hurt. A supportive family, willing to help me keep my child would have been the most wonderful thing on earth. Hearing my grandmother say 10 years too late, that she should have "grab you and your baby and just left that hospital" just made it hurt more.

[Patty-cake]

One point that I forgot to make when I posted last is that even though your intentions are good don't rush your little sister into making a decision. The effects of this decision will last her lifetime, the baby's lifetime- even her grandchildren will be effected. It will likely be the most pivitol decision of her life. Let her take her time. Let her feel free to change her mind as she explores the posibilities. (Personally if your parents are willing to help- I think Little Sister will be happier keeping the baby) -Patty

[InBlindFaith]

1. How long has it been since the baby was adopted?

I gave birth July 1988.

2. Was the adoption at birth or was the baby older when it was adopted?

Two days after the birth I signed the papers. DD went to the Agency's "Foster Mother" for 6 weeks. When she was 6 weeks old she was placed into the arms of her new parents.

3. Have you had more children since placing the baby up for adoption?

I had one child 10 years, 8 months and 2 days later. Guilt prevented me from having any earlier and it prevented me from having any more.

4. If so, do you feel that the decision to have more children has uprooted any suppressed emotions?

The uprooting of suppressed emotions didn't happen until DD turned 18. Raising my younger DD has caused more guilt for me and has also caused me to be more protective of her because for some reason it's stuck in my head "she is the only daughter I will ever know". (Hopefully that will not be the case.)

5. Have you participated in counseling? If so, do you feel that it has made a significant positive impact?

The Agency went through provided one on one counseling pre and post. I've tried to seek counseling elsewhere but they always told me I had to forget about it and move on. So, I have a pretty strong support system with my girlfriends and here.

6. In hindsight do you still feel that you have made the best decision for the baby? For yourself?

If I knew then what I know now...I would have kept DD. Turns out I had more strength back then and I just didn't give myself credit for it.

7. Have you had a (mostly) positive or negative experience with the adoption process?

Mine was positive.

8. What has been your involvement with the baby (open/closed)? And what has your experience (if any) been with the adoptive family?

My adoption was closed. Open was a fairly new concept and I wasn't comfortable with the Agencies that provided Open Adoption at the time. I also chose closed to protect DD.

9. Did you choose the adoptive family? If so, how would you describe the process?

No, but I was told the next parents in line were absolutely perfect for my daughter. The adoptive mother and I could pass as sisters and the adoptive father has the same build and blue eyes as the birth father.

10. Do you feel that you were fully informed when you made your decision? If not, is there anything that you know now that you wish you would have known then?

Yes, I was even told by the Agency I was allowed to see and hold DD while I was in the hospital because I was her mother until I signed my rights away. They encouraged me to name her so I could call her something besides "baby" and she had a name until placement day. They even told me the "Foster Mom" will take snapshots for me if I wanted.

11. Do you have any advice for birthmothers considering adoption as their primary option?

Research your options! Know your rights! Only you can make the decision! Talk to as many women as possible who have been in this position. You can't "just forget about", "moving on" doesn't seem possible, that empty spot in your heart can't be filled.

12. Do you have any advice as to how the birthmother’s family could help her cope with the transition?

Love her, Listen to her, wipe her tears, help her research. Whatever decision she makes please don't hold it against her.

13. Do you ever regret or feel guilty about your decision? If so, how do you cope?

I still feel guilty. I don't know if coping with it is possible. I try my best to have faith, I try to be patient. DD has always been in my thoughts. She'll be 19 next month and she still is not ready for me, it tears me up, but somehow I manage to still have hope.