[haleymaker1]

I'm not looking to be fooled by mere "BirthMother Letters" it has taken much courage for me and my fiancé to look through ParentProfiles even being willing to let these families contact us. So I find it a bit confusing that I'm getting a email from an agency, NOT the families that I've contacted and reached out to wishing to speak with on my own, It makes it extremely impersonal to ask someone else questions about who these families really are. I'm not looking to talk to the middle man to find out more about who these people are. I've explained who I am and what my situation is so I expect them to contact my fiancé and I on their own cognitive. Not to chit chat with some agency who really can't tell me a thing that I can't find out for myself. I have great intuition about people. I find it pretty fake to have someone else talk good about who you are as a person, they don't really know you. I'm the one who's judging their character for this baby inside me, not some agency. Anyways here I am going through the process. I'm a self motivated person and I expect self motivation from these families. Super stressful time. I'm nobody's FOOL

[mom2behappy]

I totally agree with you, agencies are looking at this through $$$, it would be more personal to speak with actual individuals but meeting individuals that are not affiliated with an agency is also very hard depending on your financial needs during this time maybe you can post a profile in a newpaper for families to contact you directly.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by haleymaker1

I'm not looking to be fooled by mere "BirthMother Letters" it has taken much courage for me and my fiancé to look through ParentProfiles even being willing to let these families contact us. So I find it a bit confusing that I'm getting a email from an agency, NOT the families that I've contacted and reached out to wishing to speak with on my own, It makes it extremely impersonal to ask someone else questions about who these families really are. I'm not looking to talk to the middle man to find out more about who these people are. I've explained who I am and what my situation is so I expect them to contact my fiancé and I on their own cognitive. Not to chit chat with some agency who really can't tell me a thing that I can't find out for myself. I have great intuition about people. I find it pretty fake to have someone else talk good about who you are as a person, they don't really know you. I'm the one who's judging their character for this baby inside me, not some agency. Anyways here I am going through the process. I'm a self motivated person and I expect self motivation from these families. Super stressful time. I'm nobody's FOOL

Of course you are not a fool and good for you for wanting to talk to people face to face. If you make this very difficult parenting decision to place your child in an adoptive home, you need to know that you are choosing the right family. This is your decision and your decision alone. I appreciate your point about wanting to hear firsthand from people who you are considering. It would feel impersonal to go through a middle person for sure.

I wonder though, if that is the intention. For me, if I had my name on the parentprofiles (I didn't, I am in Canada) I would have loved to talk to an expecting parent directly. But I also would have been cautious. Just like any other relationship formed in such an anonymous way as the internet, there is always risk that the person isn't who they say they are. So if a waiting family didn't want that risk (some are willing to take the risk for the reason who speak of, they don't want to be impersonal), they may have put this protective measure in place to make sure that the people they talk to were serious in their conversation.

I do know from some private leads we were contacted about during our wait that my greatest concern was whether or not the expecting parent was getting the help they needed in order to make the best decision. I wanted them to have all the information about all their options before finally making the decision. I trusted our agency to do this. They are non-profit and they had counselors with specific interest in helping expecting parents through this decision. These were counselors who had placed a child themselves, at least some of them. And this is one of the reasons I chose them. Of course, not all agencies can be trusted to have YOUR interest in mind when they seem to be "working" for waiting families either so I understand your concern.

I can imagine that it does feel quite impersonal to be contacted by an impersonal agency about some a personal decision. I just wanted to offer some possible reasons from another perspective.

Blessings on you and your family as you make this decision...

[tobeafamily]

Yeah, I imagine it is both perplexing and aggrevating for you - if I understanding it, you're emailing/contacting a family, only to find whom you're getting a response from is an agency. If it were me, I'd be uncomfortable.

It's one thing when a posting has "Please contact our agency XXX" up front. It's another when you've got "Please contact US at YY", only when you do, you don't get THEM, you get their agency or attorney. Feels just a leeetle bit decpetive, huh? It would give me a moment of pause.

It pays to be cautious, and to seriously consider obtaining the services of an attorney on your own to represent you, your rights and desires, and be sure you three are protected. Just an idea.

Remember, trust your instincts, and beware of those who may seem desperate - would say or do anything to get you to place with them. Look for families who outright express (without you saying anything) a level of openness that is higher than what you were thinking, because that gives you room to grow.

Be wary of a couple or family who says 'whatever you want' without articulating what THEY want or who quickly changes what they want to match what you want. Both are signs of either desperation or a lack of forethought.

Oh and watch out for demanders and pleaders - anyone who's begging for sympathy or acting like you owe them something. Dangerous, both.

Best,

Regina

[Lucy_Mom]

Originally Posted by blessedbybug

They are non-profit and they had counselors with specific interest in helping expecting parents through this decision. These were counselors who had placed a child themselves, at least some of them. And this is one of the reasons I chose them. Of course, not all agencies can be trusted to have YOUR interest in mind when they seem to be "working" for waiting families either so I understand your concern.

Non profit does not always mean reputable, which is a trap I fell into. I specially chose the agency I did because it advertised it was non profit. What wasn't advertised, however, is the fact the executive director is married to the attorney the agency "works with" and the ONLY attorney adoptive parents work with. So the aparents pay the attorney's office and the birthmothers work with the agency while these two entities are the bread and butter of a husband and wife team. Oh, and the director had an annual salary of 1/4 million for being the director of this small NP adoptioin agency.


Lucy

[haleymaker1]

Originally Posted by tobeafamily

Yeah, I imagine it is both perplexing and aggrevating for you - if I understanding it, you're emailing/contacting a family, only to find whom you're getting a response from is an agency. If it were me, I'd be uncomfortable.

It's one thing when a posting has "Please contact our agency XXX" up front. It's another when you've got "Please contact US at YY", only when you do, you don't get THEM, you get their agency or attorney. Feels just a leeetle bit decpetive, huh? It would give me a moment of pause.

Here it is. I couldn't have put it in better words myself. I feel it is important for all parties to be as open as humanly possible considering your dealing with a real human life. The goal shouldn't be to make the birthmom feel so uncomfortable that she is going to pass you by altogether, it should be to help her get to know you as soon as possible to see if your the right match for her and her baby. A middle man only slows down the process and should only be involved when the birthmother has made her decision to go with that family.

[Leigh131313]

Hi Haley!!

I agree with tammy...It is very possible that the hopeful-aparents are being cautious. If you look around the forums you will find many stories of scammers - both emotional and financial - in the adoption world. Perhaps you are dealing with people who have had their hearts broken so many times that they are using their agency as a buffer.

If this makes you uncomfortable - then move along! You have every right to talk to who you want, every right to decide what is important to you. Just follow your heart and gut. If you are not happy with contact - move on to the next one.

As a moderator on these forums, I feel I should also mention that if anyone on this forum contacts you in an attempt to be chosen for your baby - or if an agency contacts you through this site - it is completely against our terms of service. Please contact myself or any other member or our moderating team.

Good luck on your journey!!

[Hey Nonny]

I can see how you would be frustrated. It reminds me of when we were trying to adopt for the first time and the agency/attorney told us "just trust us and do what we say" and we found out in retrospect that the way they did things was WAY different than the way we wanted to...

The next time we were smarter and just by-passed the agency except for the legal/social worker stuff and communicated directly. It seems to make things much smoother b/c we weren't trying to go through a middle man...

I guess I just want to say that some of these families may just be listening to their agency and not know any better and some might have been scammed before. If there is someone that really appeals to you, try being upfront and honest and see what happens with them. They might be a big cautious at first, but you will find someone you click with.

Good luck to you......

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Lucy_Mom

Non profit does not always mean reputable, which is a trap I fell into. I specially chose the agency I did because it advertised it was non profit. What wasn't advertised, however, is the fact the executive director is married to the attorney the agency "works with" and the ONLY attorney adoptive parents work with. So the aparents pay the attorney's office and the birthmothers work with the agency while these two entities are the bread and butter of a husband and wife team. Oh, and the director had an annual salary of 1/4 million for being the director of this small NP adoptioin agency.


Lucy

I'm sorry that was the case with the agency you worked wth. As I said in my post, not every agency can be trusted to have your best interests in mind. I was just speaking of the agency we chose to work with. THey were non-profit and reputable.

[StacyKelly2]

I agree with you 100%. In our situation the birth mom and I met and really got to know one another through her whole pregnancy. Of course, neither one of us knew what to expect. For us, all we could do was be honest and open and just respectful to one another. We shared our feelings to one another as a hopeful adoptive mom and her feelings of a birth mom. We learned from one another through communication. Opening up our feelings and opinions made things so much easier. We never promised things to her that we could not have kept..and she did the same with us. The most amazing friendship formed and we worked together for one thing the best for the baby. It touched our hearts beyond words -to make such a loving and courageous choice of adoption. She will forever hold such a special place in our hearts...We all strongly felt that God allowed our paths to cross for a reason..that this was meant to be. Hearing the words that she is at peace knowing her baby is loved as our very own, meant the world to us. We still communicate..and one day I will happily tell our son of the endless amounts of love his birth mom has for him!!!

[patientlywaiting]

I don't know how the quote thingy works, but Tammy stated

I wonder though, if that is the intention. For me, if I had my name on the parentprofiles (I didn't, I am in Canada) I would have loved to talk to an expecting parent directly. But I also would have been cautious. Just like any other relationship formed in such an anonymous way as the internet, there is always risk that the person isn't who they say they are. So if a waiting family didn't want that risk (some are willing to take the risk for the reason who speak of, they don't want to be impersonal), they may have put this protective measure in place to make sure that the people they talk to were serious in their conversation.

I agree. I am Canadian as well and am on the registry at that site. We have received a number of calls, some were just checking us out and some were actual people trying to scam. I am on an internet site and I know that this is a way that some expectant parents choose the families for their children. Personally, I have spoken with and prefer to speak with each and every person that has talked to us, no matter what previous experience I have gone through. If I wasn't willing to have these initial conversations without my agency playing middle man, I wouldn't be listed on the site.

I know that not everyone will agree with this and that's okay. We all do what we are comfortable with.

[bajj]

I believe in some states you can only advertise if you do list an agency or an attorney as the contact person. Of course, this should be worded somewhere in their profile. Well, I don't think they should say, "as by state law, please contact my attorney" but you know, something like, "Please contact my attorny (or social worker) at xxx and they will help you to contact us." Or something like that. I don't know, I've never listed with a site.

I agree with what someone else said. Feel free to just move on. You have to make the right choice for you and your child.

Big hugs.

[safyre37]

If it had been possible for me to find my daughter's parents without going through an agency, I would have much preffered it[/color]. I was not very satisfied with the agency that I went through. My advice: quit them! If you are at all unhappy with your agency than try another one (hopefully you have time?)
I have no idea how it would work if you didn't use an agency... the one thing the agency did give me was the security of the extensive background checks. But that was about it. I love my daughter's parents, but it bothered me to realize that a big influence on their decision to not adopt a second child was the expense. Where did that money go?
But that is an issue that you can't really get around.
The impersonalization that you describe may also be hard to avoid in an agency, but it may be worth looking around or talking with them about.

[frostine]

Good luck Haleymaker1. I really like your spunk!
You don't need to be fooled, you can find honest support out there (I hope).
I am an adoptive parent and have used parentprofiles.com in the past. I was encouraged to use an agency phone number as a "buffer", though I did disclose that in the "contact us" page. We got many many scammers by posting on the internet, the internet can too easliy be a scary place. I know many people that put there own phone numbers on there, and I hope you can connect with someone that you like, and just get a good feel for this option.
In my experience (with two agencies) they seem to like to have an "intake" call with the expectant mother. To do a bit of counseling, learn about your situation and your expectations, etc. prior to having you speak directly to an adoptive parent. If you would rather go straight to an adoptive parent first, I would just tell them that. If they can't work with you, then find someone that can. It is terrible that you have to do so much leg work.
I sense your frustration with this whole process, I hope you can find what you are looking for. Hang in there. I hope your Haley kisses help to get you through all of this.
Follow your heart!

[Wynona]

Your doing the right thing. I never would adopt my children without talking with the birthmother.. getting to know her. I can only imagine how you feel. You have to have the connection with your adoptive parents. That is very important.






We want one more baby!