[mommadscience]

Originally Posted by I.LOVE.MY.KIDS

Hello everyone!

Recently my family found out that my much younger, 15 y.o. sister is pregnant. As Christians my family and my sister are not considering abortion as an option. However, obviously, she is not emotionally capable of raising a baby on her own.

The situation still feels pretty surreal since we found out a little less than a week ago; however, I feel that the best thing to do is research the options with her now. Right now, she is waffling back-and-forth between adoption and raising the baby herself with my mom’s help.

Since this will be my first niece/nephew, I am reluctant to suggest adoption; however, I feel that this will be my sister’s best chance at finishing high school/college and living a full life. However, I am curious if she chooses adoption if she will feel guilt and regret for the rest of her life. This brings me to the reason for my posting… I am wondering if there are any birthmothers out there that would be willing to share their stories with me and my sister so that she can make an informed decision. My feeling is that the quicker she decides which option is best for her, the more time she will have to prepare herself emotionally for either decision.

I realize that everyone responds to situations in a different way, however, I am looking for answers to somewhat general questions. I am sorry if some of them seem obvious or silly to you, but please keep in mind that I am helping a 15 y.o. research. Specifically, these are the questions I have…

1. How long has it been since the baby was adopted?30 years this september

2. Was the adoption at birth or was the baby older when it was adopted?at birth

3. Have you had more children since placing the baby up for adoption?yes 2 boys after i was married ages no 19 and 23

4. If so, do you feel that the decision to have more children has uprooted any suppressed emotions?no i don't think it did. i was happy about the pregnancies and births of both boys. i thought about the child i placed but knew that she was where she needed to be.

5. Have you participated in counseling?there was some "counselling" at the "home" where i stayed but times were different then, they were helping us the way they thought best. If so, do you feel that it has made a significant positive impact?I believe that what i did was right for me and my child and the "counselling" i received helped me live with that

6. In hindsight do you still feel that you have made the best decision for the baby?100%. For yourself?I was 14 years old and my family basically let me decide butthey did help me understand that I was still a child myself and babies can't raise babies. I had a few fantasies about keeping my child and raising her with the help of my family but I finally realized that it woud not have been fair to any of us involved and that my child could lose out. Love is a wonderful thing but as much as we would all like to believe it, you have to have more to raise a child.

7. Have you had a (mostly) positive or negative experience with the adoption process? mostly positive. I won't lie and tell you that I have never thought about my child and what would have happened if I had kept her but I have to believe I did the right thing

8. What has been your involvement with the baby (open/closed)? my adoption was totally closedAnd what has your experience (if any) been with the adoptive family? was not allowed any contact or information

9. Did you choose the adoptive family? if choosing was allowed back in 1977, i wasn't aware of it. If so, how would you describe the process?

10. Do you feel that you were fully informed when you made your decision?as much as i could have been If not, is there anything that you know now that you wish you would have known then?things are different now. there are so many choices and avenues that can be taken. i don't know that you can ever really be fully informed.

11. Do you have any advice for birthmothers considering adoption as their primary option?think about your child first, yourself second. everyone has opinions and ideas but your child and you are the ones that have to live with your decision.

12. Do you have any advice as to how the birthmother’s family could help her cope with the transition? be supportive. give your opinion when asked and give love all the time but again know that the birthmother has to make the final decision. telling her to keep the baby and the family helping to raise the child is great support but be sure that you (the family) are ready to follow through with that promise. At 15 she will still want to have a life, go out with friends, and date and she will need you to help her with her child at these times. However, you have to remember that it is her child and she needs to be responsible for that child so dating, shopping trips to the mall after school, and going to football games on friday nights can't always be options.

13. Do you ever regret or feel guilty about your decision? i believe everyone who places a child for adoption feels some regret or guilt.If so, how do you cope? I personally cope because of a memory I had while at the "home". Right after I had my daughter I returned to the "home", papers to sign, gather my things, final things having to be completed. After signing the adoption papers I sat upstairs looking out the window and I saw a couple come out of the adminstration building next door. The woman had shoulder length brown hair, that flipped out at the ends and was stairing so contently and happily at the baby she was carring in her arms. The husband had one arm around his wife and the other around the child she held in her arms. I told myself this is why I made the right decision. Look at the happiness all three of them are felling. They are a family, complete and whole. I have carried that memory with me all these years and it is what has helped me cope.


Thank you so much for your help in researching this option. God bless.

I don't know if anything I have said will help your sister, you, or the rest of your family. Just know that there are people that care and understand what all of you are feeling.

[mtlover]

1. How long has it been since the baby was adopted?

20 Years

2. Was the adoption at birth or was the baby older when it was adopted?

Birth.

3. Have you had more children since placing the baby up for adoption?

No.

4. If so, do you feel that the decision to have more children has uprooted any suppressed emotions?

I couldn’t have more children because I would always feel incomplete. I may now that we are in reunion… but I just couldn’t because I always felt like my first born was lost and I had to complete that before I could move on being a Mom.

5. Have you participated in counseling? If so, do you feel that it has made a significant positive impact?

No. I did have pregnancy counseling to go over my options… looking back, it did seem pretty one sided. I wish I would have talked to First Mom’s that had relinquished years ago… the agency provided young gals who just recently relinquished… and looking back there is no way they could provide good council as they were too young still dealing with their relinquishment.

6. In hindsight do you still feel that you have made the best decision for the baby? For yourself?

No… and yes. At the time… of course I did… but I was alone and young and no support. I didn’t know that there were resources I could use and I didn’t know that the situation I was in was only temporary… that things would change. I wish I would have know that I was the best person to raise my child and that I was capable!!!!!

7. Have you had a (mostly) positive or negative experience with the adoption process?

The pregnancy counselor was nice. The emotional was originally negative, then horrible and unbearable before, during and immediately after our reunion. Now I am extremely happy.

8. What has been your involvement with the baby (open/closed)? And what has your experience (if any) been with the adoptive family?

Semi-open… letters and pictures once a year from the adoptive family and I sent letters and gifts 2 times a year for her birthday and Christmas. The adoptive family loves my daughter and raised her the best way they knew how… she had nice things. They are good people. They aren’t me.

9. Did you choose the adoptive family? If so, how would you describe the process?

Yes. I was given a book of “Dear Birthparent” letters that were open to open adoption and told to read the letters and choose from them. Looking back… what a ridiculous way to choose the parents of your child.

10. Do you feel that you were fully informed when you made your decision? If not, is there anything that you know now that you wish you would have known then?

I was not fully informed. I thought I was at the time… of course I did. I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t think I was making the right choice. In hindsight I was absolutely not fully informed and resent the process and how easy it is to influence and guide such a vulnerable young person to a desired outcome.

11. Do you have any advice for birthmothers considering adoption as their primary option?

Don’t consider adoption as your primary option… consider parenting. You are capable, your circumstances are temporary… and while the road is more difficult for you to complete school, earn a trade or degree… it is still quite possible. Women have and continue to do it everyday. You can parent and you can do whatever you want to do!

12. Do you have any advice as to how the birthmother’s family could help her cope with the transition?

Ahhh… if only I had support at the time. Support, Support, Support!!!

13. Do you ever regret or feel guilty about your decision? If so, how do you cope?

I do regret it… I wish I would have made a different decision. I did live with the guilt until it almost killed me. Over the years, I couldn’t run far or fast enough. It didn’t matter how much money I made, how successful I became, how many accomplishments or degrees I earned… non of it mattered because I still knew… deep down I knew that I didn’t raise my baby girl. Now, I have forgiven myself most days… I have learned to love myself and I am so excited everyday to have the most amazing daughter, to be in her life and now… and only now that we are in reunion for 3 years… do I finally feel complete and whole.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by Patty-cake

One point that I forgot to make when I posted last is that even though your intentions are good don't rush your little sister into making a decision. The effects of this decision will last her lifetime, the baby's lifetime- even her grandchildren will be effected. It will likely be the most pivitol decision of her life. Let her take her time. Let her feel free to change her mind as she explores the posibilities. (Personally if your parents are willing to help- I think Little Sister will be happier keeping the baby) -Patty

This is so true, no one tells you that you aren't just giving up your baby, but your grandchildren and great grandchildren too.. you are giving up your future decendants.. giving up the brother or sister of children you will raise.

It really is something that if it can be avoided it should be.

[quantum]

1. How long has it been since the baby was adopted?

22 years

2. Was the adoption at birth or was the baby older when it was adopted?

Birth.

3. Have you had more children since placing the baby up for adoption?

Yes, but the first was 18 years afterwards!I didn't really realise it at the time, but I needed to feel REALLY secure before I could think of having another child.

4. If so, do you feel that the decision to have more children has uprooted any suppressed emotions?

At first, no. Now that I'm in reunion with my birthson, it makes him more real in a way and I think a lot more (if this is possible, I thought about it a lot before!) about how he might have been like as my girls hit different ages/milestones.

5. Have you participated in counseling? If so, do you feel that it has made a significant positive impact?

I wasn't allowed to seek counseling immediately afterwards which was not a good thing. I sought out counselling a few years later, not sure it helped, not sure anything helps!

6. In hindsight do you still feel that you have made the best decision for the baby? For yourself?

I was fairly determined that adoption was the best choice for my son. He's been happy in his life, has a fabulous mom and stepmom and dad and has turned out to be one of the most together people I know, so I guess it was the best decision for him. For me, I wish I'd known about open adoption as a choice. I wish my parents had offered more support instead of a 'I guess we can adopt if you want'

7. Have you had a (mostly) positive or negative experience with the adoption process?

That's a hard one. It's so mixed up. There are both positive and negative aspects.


8. What has been your involvement with the baby (open/closed)? And what has your experience (if any) been with the adoptive family?

I wasn't given a choice, it was closed. I wish I'd had known about the option of semi-open/open. Since reunion, astepmom and adad are extremely positive. amom is a little scared of the idea of me.


9. Did you choose the adoptive family? If so, how would you describe the process?

I had no choice as to the family but I was told a little about them. I wished I'd known that amom wasn't going to be at home with him at least at first. Adad stayed home a few months, but I hate he was put in daycare so early.

10. Do you feel that you were fully informed when you made your decision? If not, is there anything that you know now that you wish you would have known then?

There is so much I wish I'd known! Options. Help. How much pain this would cause. I knew it would never go away even though everyone told me to forget, but I wish I'd had more emotional support. I felt so alone.

11. Do you have any advice for birthmothers considering adoption as their primary option?

I guess I agree with what everyone else seems to be saying, see if you can figure out how to parent the child yourself.

12. Do you have any advice as to how the birthmother’s family could help her cope with the transition?

Make sure she feels that she's loved by her family no matter which option she chooses. Appreciate that she's vulnerable and emotional and give her a lot of hugs. Help her by giving her the freedom to choose. Don't let her feel like a bad person just because she's pregnant.

13. Do you ever regret or feel guilty about your decision? If so, how do you cope?

I have wept a lot of tears. It helps to talk! and that's something I wasn't allowed to do for a very long time. I never really regretted my decision until I met my bson. Since then I've had a lot of feelings of wishing I'd been able to keep him. Of course, I wouldn't be where and who I am now and I'm happy with that and he wouldn't be who he is now and we're both happy with that...

[grannyk]

1) I lost my son 28 years ago

2) He was placed a few weeks after birth.

3) Yes, I had 2 more boys and 2 girls

4) Yes, at first I was afraid that they wouldn't let me take my son home from the hosptial. I often worried that maybe I was not fit to be a mother because I had given up my first child. Even though I have been a good mom and am now even a grandma, I still struggle with that feeling.

5) In 1978 when I gave my baby us for adoption, the only couselling we received was from adoption workers who had ulterior motives. I advise you get real unbiased couselling for her from a true professional that knows about adoption issues and loss and can realistically share with her what she may feel if she relinquishes her child, or if she keeps her child.

6) He says I made the right decision but I don't think so because he acted pretty hateful to me when I found him so I wonder how he was raised. For me it was a bad decision, I have suffered a great deal with nightmares and post adoption syndrome (similar to post abortion syndrome)

7) In my closed adoption, almost all negative, except the fact that I was glad I had given him life and didn't consider abortion.
However, I am also an adoptive aunt and I dearly love my adoptive neices and nephews.

8) I begged for more openness but back then they didn't allow it, or at least that is what I was told then.
I wrote a letter at the time a gave him up for him and one for the adoptive parents which they refused to read as they felt it might induce guilt in them. (:

9) They had to put him in a home of the same faith as me as I requested this and I was told some non identifying info which made them sound like the perfect family. Only God knows whether it was really a better home for him than I could have provided.

10) I still wish I had more emotional support. This is a lifetime of pain for all invloved especially in closed adoptions.

11) I would never give up a child for adotion again. I would try to find help from my family first.

12) The birthmom's family needs to do their best to not influence her decision at all. This is a choice she and the baby will have to live with forever and it will have a big impact on her life either way. Just love her and support her and make sure she isn't railroaded into something she doesn't want. An offer to babysit one night per week would also be nice.

13) Yes, I deeply regret my decision. I have only learned to cope by turning to God in prayer. I went thru many years of less productive behavior before I turned my pain over to God.
Finally, also maybe someone can talk to her about how she got pg in the first place. I say this because I got pg thru an abusive relationship and that also adds another dimension to things. Don't assume because it was a boyfriend or even a fianace that she was a willing participant in the physical relationship. The only good thing that came out of all this for me was that I developed a much deeper empathy for those who are going thru pain. I later got my degree in Social Work and for some years worked in an unwed mothers home,
I have also been invloved in prolife work. God can turn all our pain into something good for Him if we let Him.
God Bless..........

[happygmom]

Originally Posted by Scarlet Moon 13

This is so true, no one tells you that you aren't just giving up your baby, but your grandchildren and great grandchildren too.. you are giving up your future decendants.. giving up the brother or sister of children you will raise.

It really is something that if it can be avoided it should be.

This is something that is never mentioned in adoption literature or by adoption counselors (in my limited experience). As the mother of a daughter who was considering adoption, I realized that if I did not provide the support that my daughter needed to parent I might be losing my only grandchild. My husband and I have 2 children. Our older son is married and he and his wife are not sure that they want children. Also, I have heard that many women who relinquish have problems getting pregnant after losing their child so my grandson could have been my daughter's only child had she relinquished.

This little guy who is, as I type, in my kitchen playing with his mummum might be our one and only grandbaby!! I shudder to think that we could have lost him forever.

Happy G'Ma

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by happygmom

This is something that is never mentioned in adoption literature or by adoption counselors (in my limited experience). As the mother of a daughter who was considering adoption, I realized that if I did not provide the support that my daughter needed to parent I might be losing my only grandchild. My husband and I have 2 children. Our older son is married and he and his wife are not sure that they want children. Also, I have heard that many women who relinquish have problems getting pregnant after losing their child so my grandson could have been my daughter's only child had she relinquished.

This little guy who is, as I type, in my kitchen playing with his mummum might be our one and only grandbaby!! I shudder to think that we could have lost him forever.

Happy G'Ma

Thank you for being the kind of mom who recongnized that issue. The kind of mom who was willing to help.

thanks

[happygmom]

Originally Posted by Scarlet Moon 13

Thank you for being the kind of mom who recongnized that issue. The kind of mom who was willing to help.

thanks

Thank YOU! My daughter has done the hard stuff. I am there to provide advice, financial stability (MUCH less than I anticipated), and to collect the hugs and kisses.

To steer us back on track for the OP - other posts pointed out that it is the emom's decision to step up to the plate to be a mother. I agree! As long as she is supported to make her decision after she meets her baby.

Happy G'Ma

[julz12-13]

1. How long has it been since the baby was adopted? 20.5 yrs

2. Was the adoption at birth or was the baby older when it was adopted? at 4 days old

3. Have you had more children since placing the baby up for adoption? yes i have 17yodd, 14yods, 2yods

4. If so, do you feel that the decision to have more children has uprooted any suppressed emotions? it actually made me feel better b/c i placed a girl then had a girl of my own. it helped me...it reminded me of my pregnancy...but it soothed my pain too.

5. Have you participated in counseling? If so, do you feel that it has made a significant positive impact? while pregnant i did, but the councilor was stupid. no one truly understood how i felt or why i was doing this. they always wanted to put words in my mouth. or tell me i was handling things well. i sometimes "acted" like i was ok...when in fact i was crying inside.

6. In hindsight do you still feel that you have made the best decision for the baby? For yourself? yes on both cases. i wanted her to have 2 parents who loved her. she would have had me who loved her. but her bf wanted nothing to do w/ the pregnancy. and my 1st dh i met while pregnant...he would have hurt her enventually emotionally b/c he did it to his own children that we had. my dh now is not real excited that i have found info on her and would like to find her. but he will be supportive of whatever happens, just withdrawn.

7. Have you had a (mostly) positive or negative experience with the adoption process? its hard to answer. alot of days have been hard b/c i miss her and think of her ALL the time. but i know it was best for her b/c of things that transpired after her placement. and as time has gone on...i KNOW i made the RIGHT descision for both of us.

8. What has been your involvement with the baby (open/closed)? And what has your experience (if any) been with the adoptive family? closed. i sent letters for her parents and her. i recieved a letter from her parents. at 6 months, they sent me pictures of her for each month...they did this on their own w/out my request.

9. Did you choose the adoptive family? If so, how would you describe the process? i went thru an atty who was a very sweet christian man. i asked for her to be placed w/ a minister's family b/c i felt garenteed she'd be raised in a christian environment. plus i was a preacher's dd. not that i liked being one..but i wanted her to be safe. i felt that this was the way. now i know where she is, and her family is very involved in their church. she's going to a christian college studying communications and pre-law. i see that she has been surrounded w/ all i could have ever asked for.

10. Do you feel that you were fully informed when you made your decision? If not, is there anything that you know now that you wish you would have known then? my parents and my boyfriend,who ended up being my 1st dh, told me if i wanted to keep her, they'd support me. i lived w/ a family during pregnancy who adopted 3 children. so i felt fully informed and aware that this was MY discision.

11. Do you have any advice for birthmothers considering adoption as their primary option? make sure its ok in in heart and you are doing b/c YOU want to b/c you know its best. its never easy...it never goes away. dont stuff anything inside...talk about it. be in a big support group or supportive family where you can always talk about it. b/c you will need to. my parents had a hard time talking about it sometimes. i think they felt guilty, like they should have been more supportive for me and her. yeah, maybe they should have, but it all worked out how it was suppose to. i knew in my heart...she wasnt to be mine. God had a plan b/c He knew i'd get pregnant. and He created it to be the ONE time i was TOTALLY selfless. i did something for someone who was serving Him. that makes me feel better about the whole situation. but thats just me. i work in the ob/gyn field...have for 19yrs. yes...ironic huh? but i have counciled many girls...and i always say...dont do it for anyone else. make sure in your heart this is what you want.

12. Do you have any advice as to how the birthmother’s family could help her cope with the transition? well i said this earlier...let her talk about it. she needs somewhere safe where she knows she wont feel strange for talking about it. that you share in her feelings...cry w/ her..laugh and remember w/ her. thats what really helped me. not someone who felt uncomfortable when i needed to talk about it. and NEVER tell her to forget it...b/c that can NEVER happen. your life just changes dramtically to EVER forget it.

13. Do you ever regret or feel guilty about your decision? If so, how do you cope? each day brings on a new coping method. w/ each child it seemed to make it easier...just never go away. i'm 41yo, and i still want one more child..and for it to be a girl. my last child i had a boy..and i was convinced he was a girl. i love him very much, and i am glad he's a boy now that my 17yodd is going thru the tough part of teenage yrs. my 14yo son is SO much less dramatic..LOL!! of course the next 2 yrs will be the test. now i know where my bd is...only 30 mins away...i am too frightened to contact her. i keep thinking i need to get my life more in order. this has been more stressful and brought on more repressed memories than anything in my life. my 2 older kids dont get along w/ their dad, my ex...i worry that looks bad. i'm not real involved in my church...i dont want her to think i'm a hypocrit. i ramble and talk too much too..as you can tell...will that drive her away. LOL!! just tell your sister...you will be there for whatever she needs. OH! and make sure she spends time w/ the baby when its born. i beleive that is SO important. i had 3 days w/ my bd..days i can never forget. it helped me w/ my discision. if there's anything i can help w/ just let me know!!! many prayers and hugs to you all!!!

[ModernDayBradyBunch]

1. How long has it been since the baby was adopted? Two months

2. Was the adoption at birth or was the baby older when it was adopted? Birth

3. Have you had more children since placing the baby up for adoption? No, but I had previous children

4. If so, do you feel that the decision to have more children has uprooted any suppressed emotions? I don't plan to have any children in the future, but if I did get pregnant, I would probably choose adoption again

5. Have you participated in counseling? If so, do you feel that it has made a significant positive impact? I didn't have professional counseling, but I had a wonderful agency and a great support system

6. In hindsight do you still feel that you have made the best decision for the baby? For yourself? I definitely feel that we made the best decision for both of us

7. Have you had a (mostly) positive or negative experience with the adoption process? My experience was definitely positive

8. What has been your involvement with the baby (open/closed)? And what has your experience (if any) been with the adoptive family? I have a semi-open adoption, I guess. (This was my choice) I email with my son's parents whenever I choose and we exchange pictures whenever I want (there are no timeline restrictions) but I will have no direct contact with the baby

9. Did you choose the adoptive family? If so, how would you describe the process? I waited until a month before my due date (I felt that choosing later was better) and I did choose my son's family. We read their profile and then had a phone conference with our agency. We met two weeks before my son was born and spent almost every day together and my son's a-mom was with me when I delivered. They gave me my space at the hospital, no pressure and we've emailed a couple of times since and have sent a few pictures to each other already

10. Do you feel that you were fully informed when you made your decision? If not, is there anything that you know now that you wish you would have known then? I researched a LOT about adoption before I contacted our agency, so I believe I was very informed on all of my decisions and I wasn't afraid to ask any questions

11. Do you have any advice for birthmothers considering adoption as their primary option? Adoption is an awesome thing, but you HAVE to make sure that you are 100% comfortable with ALL of your decisions because it's a decision that will affect you for the rest of your life. Just make sure to ask ANY questions you may have and ONLY get into a situation that fits what YOU want...don't let anyone pressure you

12. Do you have any advice as to how the birthmother’s family could help her cope with the transition? Be there to support her, don't criticize

13. Do you ever regret or feel guilty about your decision? If so, how do you cope? I don't regret my decision, but I do have days that I'm sad and I'll pull out all of my pictures of my son and cry it out, but I think it's normal and above all, I know he will have a great life