[taramayrn]

I got this list from another site. Please note, these are not my thoughts or ideas. I have changed the "birthmothers" in the title to "potential birthmothers".

Any other you'd like to add to the list or would you like to comment?

They wait until the very last minute.
They don't realize they have choices.
They don't realize they have rights.
They get intimidated too easily.
They don't spend enough time educating themselves on the process.
They don't read between the lines.
They don't realize that professionals are there to help them.
They don't refer to their professionals as often as they should.
They don't realize that there are limitations as to what their professionals can do.
They think that because their adoptive couple pay for their professionals, they work for them as well.

[taramayrn]

I'd like to know who made up this list (it doesn't say on the site I got this from) and how they compiled the list. I think some of these ring true, however alot of them I don't agree with, based on my experience or most of the birthmothers I have talked with.

[thanksgivingmom]

i feel like its more important to look at WHY pbmoms make these mistakes rather than pointing them out. like what in society/life has made us act in this way (if we do at all). for instance i was made to feel like i didnt have rights at the hospital after my dd was born. i was denied access to her by security downstairs when she was in the NICU until i got a hold of the social worker.

im interested in what other cultural/social phenomena lead to pbmoms/bmoms making these "mistakes."

[taramayrn]

Thank you for bringing this up Thanksgivingmom. We really can't change anything, like you said, without acknowledging and examining the reasons why ebmoms make such mistakes. What is leading these "mistakes"? Are we given little to know information on how to chose these professionals? Where are the guidelines for ebmoms - the things to watch for and ask when chosing an adoption professional? How are we supposed to know these things are mistakes? So many questions....

[SchmennaLeigh]

They don't realize that professionals are there to help them.
They don't refer to their professionals as often as they should.
They don't realize that there are limitations as to what their professionals can do.
They think that because their adoptive couple pay for their professionals, they work for them as well.

If you've got an unethical agency, you aren't given your OWN professionals and yes, they sure as heck DO work mainly for the adoptive family.

I didn't wait until the last minute. I just got sucked into an agency who didn't give a rip about my rights.

[opalwench]

While I understand the idea behind the list, it seems to me that it puts a lot of blame and stress on women who are already dealing with a crisis situation.

They get intimidated too easily.

While this is something bad I'm not sure that it's a "mistake" so much as a real effect of being in a crisis situation.

[thanksgivingmom]

i agree opal!

i think its very easy for people on the outside to point out the "mistakes" we make. i dont know if bmoms made this list or who did, but i just worry about generalizing.

having said that i know i have made "mistakes" but i agree that a lot of it does come back to how we act in crisis.

[taramayrn]

Great discussion ladies. Now, my question is, How do we as bmoms make sure no one else makes these same "mistakes"?

[thanksgivingmom]

i think bigger than making it so individuals do not make these mistakes we need to try to make society more accepting of bmothers. if ebmothers thought they would not be judged by society they might (1) not wait so long, (2) realize they have rights, and (3) not get so easily intimidated.

I think society does make it intimidating for women in this situation and does make women feel they dont have rights. These fears may make women wait long into thier pregnancy before giving in to doing what they know is right for them.

Like anything else, I feel that eduation is so key.

[taramayrn]

Good thoughts Thankgiving - very valid points. I can see how society's stigma still of unwed mothers, and of birthmothers and adoption in general can hinder women seeking help.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by taramayrn

Great discussion ladies. Now, my question is, How do we as bmoms make sure no one else makes these same "mistakes"?

I keep talking. I don't shut up. I speak out against my unethical agency. I speak out about the rights of birth mothers.

And I won't stop.

[taramayrn]

I think that's so important Jenna - it takes alot of courage though (which you have).

[happygmom]

"They don't realize that professionals are there to help them."

When my daughter was considering adoption, I can't say that we met even one "professional" associated with adoption who was "there to help us". The message that we got was "rush, rush - find a couple to match with and make an adoption plan before it is TOO LATE". When we stopped and asked, "too late for what?", we realized that we needed to avoid adoption "professionals" at all costs and look to parents who were actually living with adoption for advice and to our family practice for a counseling referral.

So, my advice is to religiously avoid adoption "professionals" who have too much at stake and seek out the advice of parents who have relinguished and have lived with the consequences for at least a few years and to find UNBIASED counseling.

#1 is troublesome for me. "They wait until the last minute." To do what? They certainly should not wait until the last minute to consider their options and get unbaised counseling. But my impression is that the advice here is to not wait until the last minute to contact an adoption professional. If that is the case, I could not disagree more. The best advice that my family received was to wait until after birth to get involved with adoption professionals. It gave my daughter space to sort out how she really felt about parenting.

Thanksgivingmom - Amen to that. Here, here. My strong, confident daughter was paralyzed with the fear of our culture's scorn for single, pregnant women.

Happy G'Ma