[Dhamma Sevak]

I just found out that my Partener and I are going to be having a baby. She's about one month pregnant. We had already agreed that we dont wanted children at this stage of our lives. We're considering adoption.
My sister has been trying to have children for over a year now and has found out that she will likely always miscarry if she gets pregnant and her husband has no sperm. Theyve looked at options with medical procedures and they are all unaffordable extensive and not guaranteed. Theyve looked a bit into adopting and have found it also to look disapiontingly complicated and expensive.
What Im hoping to get from posting this, is some feedback on weather its easier for them to adopt from us rather than an agency and... weather anyone knows weather its unadvisable or advisable to have ties so close to both the parents and the child? i.e. complications with relationship of the child and its birth and adoptive parents. (I'm not too sure what I mean by that if you know what I mean)
Thanks for anything,
Michael

[taramayrn]

Welcome to the site Michael. First off you will find lots of differing experiences and points of views from our members here. Most only want to help you out somehow by sharing your experience. Also, sadly there are people out there who may contact you in hopes of adopting your baby. Please know that this is not allowed here on this site. If someone from this site contacts you please contact myself or one of the other moderators here. It is not acceptable for anyone from this site to contact you in hopes of adopting your baby.

Infamily adoptions are a tricky thing - they have their own sets of challenges and upsides. If you place with your sister and her husband your relationship may change and how you interact with each other might change as well. Also, will you be known as an uncle or as the bdad? Lots of things to think about.

I don't have any advice for you, except to seek out some non-biased counselling to help you explore your options.

Best of luck!

[taramayrn]

Also you might want to check this out. There is information regarding adoptions in Manitoba.
Manitoba Adoption Resources -

[Dhamma Sevak]

Thanks for the heads up with adoption soliciters.
Yes, I agree that my relationship will change with my sister. My life is going to change...is changing, especialy after having a child regardless of who will be parenting it. I think my whole families life is about to change. I have 2 older brothers too.
Ill be checking out the link you sent. Thanks alot.

Michael

[taramayrn]

Here are some resources for you on relative or kinship adoption:
Relative Adoption - Adopt a Relative, Grandchild, Grandson, Granddaughter
Keeping the Family Tree Intact Through Kinship Care -

[josh1788smom]

Hi Michael - I have some thoughts from my situation to share with you.

In my opinion, based on my circumstances, I think in family adoptions SUCK! Many well-meaning family members interfered in my pregnancy because I was young and happened to have infertile relatives (they are my dad's cousin and his wife). The adoption went through seemlessly for this couple. The adoption of MY son. I protested their adoption because there were so many illegal things that occurred, but none of that matters. For 18 years I held onto the fact that because I had my son for 5 weeks, there was a bond between us and even though we could not make up lost time, we could establish a relationship when he turned 18. For 18 years, I have been distanced from that entire side of my family. Some family members like to act like nothing - and others shun away from me. The ones that act like nothing just stare at me when they are around, like I am going to do something amazing.

See, this couple wanted a child and that is what they got a child. They did not want a birthmother in the mix. They wanted to be "like every other family". However, they did get the bonus of not having to go through an agency and be selected and have home visits and multiple expenses and yada yada yada - everything that real adoptive parents have to go through. These people came to my house and took my son - no matter how hysterical I was. I was not unfit - just young. I was 17 and my parents decided this was best and made me call them.

My whole family dynamic was changed. The birthfather and his ^&*(*^%% mother had no changes in their life or family. In fact, he's gone on to father multiple children out of wedlock and has no responsibility for any of them - well, I think he may pay child support for one of them, when he works. I have felt like the used pawn in all this.

So after 18 years, I know I can't trust anyone I am related to (except brothers I dearly love). My husband and I had a long talk about who was going to deliver a nice letter I wrote to him. I did not say anything nasty about anyone - just said I really wanted to meet him and get to know him. We decided enough people had been involved in this already. I took the letter to him myself - put it in his hands and got the pleasure of talking to him for an hour or so. It was so great. He thanked me for "doing it right". That was 3 months ago. Nothing. I have written his amom a letter - after all, we are family - HA! Family is a very selective word.

I imagine things would be different with a sister adopting your child, but all I can tell you is my experience, which has been BAD!

Best of luck to you. Keep us posted.