[fairydust159]

Well, like a lot of you, i'm considering putting my unborn child up for adoption... but its not quite as simple as all that. Let me explain.

In June of this year my husband and I seperated and started divorce proceedings. I moved in with a guy, but in August I realized i wasnt happy, and my husband and I reconciled. As i'm sure you've realized, the complication is that the father of my child is the guy i was living with. I was originally considering abortion, but I know there are so many couples out there who would LOVE a baby... but I really dont want a living, breathing, testament to those few months with that guy running around!

For me, its not even an option to raise the child myself... again, i dont want a living, breathing, testament of those few months! I was just hoping there was someone out there who could give me their experience of giving there child up for adoption after faced with the dilema of abortion. Thanks

[tyiakoum]

Hi Fairydust,

Well, the baby is not just genetically the child of your ex, it is half yours genetically. What does your husband think about the possibility of raising this child? Have you notified the ex, who is the father of the baby? He will have to surrender his parental rights if you place the child for adoption.

The most important thing for you to consider is that maybe your husband might want to raise the child, both of you, together? Does he even know?

Good luck to you, hope others can give responses that help you figure out what you want to move forward and do.

[crick]

I'm sorry, but I'm confused...I thought you were considering foster parenting? Or is this a different issue?

[fairydust159]

yes, at one point my husband and i were considering foster parenting... but a lot of things have changed since then.

Yes, my husband does know about my pregnancy and who the father is, etc. He feels bad because he has so much hatred toward the guy, and consequently, the child. He knows the child has done nothing to deserve any of this, but still resents it. I think he also resents it because before my husband and I seperated we had been trying to have a baby, and i had a miscarriage. Its so hard to have been trying to have a baby of our own, and now i'm pregnant, and not want it!

We both look at the time we were seperated as a painful mistake... and just want to forget it as quickly as possible... which seems almost impossible if we have a "mini-me" of me and the other guy running around. Thats why i'm considering adoption- It would give another couple a chance at happiness with a baby. The most difficult part is not wanting the child to even exist because of its father.

[fairydust159]

oh and yes i have notified the other guy... he wants me to have an abortion.

[InBlindFaith]

You need to research all of your options. Placing a child for adoption is not a easy thing to do. Please keep in mind this child may be a piece of him, but it is also a piece of you. If you choose to place please do it out of love for the child.

I have not been able to keep my daughter out of my heart or my thoughts for the last 18 years.

[tyiakoum]

fairydust... it was a painful mistake but this child is NOT. There is a reason the child is present in your life. If you were willing to foster a total stranger's child and all that entails (all the emotional and sometimes physical baggage a FC many times comes w/), you can overcome, through time,

all the trauma that the choice you made to separate from your husband caused. Your husband, just by considering fostering, might just feel differently after the birth of this child. This child is totally innocent. Can he not see that? This child is a reflection of you, and a choice you made. It wasn't really a painful mistake... it was a choice you made and the consequences of that choice.

That choice may turn out to be one of the great joys of your life.

You have so much time, since you are considering placing this child for adoption, to make another choice. That choice is: keep the baby and love it, as you would have a foster child, as you would have a child that was yours and your husbys. As you would have if YOU ever adopted or fost/adopted..

The face of that baby may turn both your hearts towards the miracle of life... not the life of the man who helped begin that life, but the life of joy and love you will feel by parenting that child.

Take your time and do not rush to place. Your situation is so complicated. Time does a wonderful job of smoothing out heightened emotions.

Try to look at this situation not as a mistake. It happened based on a choice you made.

Take care and hoping for the best for you,

[SchmennaLeigh]

Your Husband should enter counseling to deal with his anger. Even if you should place this child, his anger won't magically disappear and, since no child will be present, will instead be directed at you and your relationship.

[fairydust159]

Yes, I did make a choice that resulted in my current situation. I dont deny that, and am not blaming anyone else... but even a "choice" can be a "mistake".

"It wasn't really a painful mistake".... ummm... yes it was! The definition of mistake is -an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc.

It would make things incredibly easier if I could blame someone else, or even "insufficient knowledge" but I know how babies are made. It was an error in action, and judgment.... and I regret it. Regretting it doesnt change the consequences, but it can change my future choices.

I also consider this situation worlds away from fostering. We were not considering adopting, we were considering fostering. And in a foster situation, the child is not related to you, and you dont have emotional baggage with the father! Yes, in a foster situation the CHILD might have baggage, but i'm talking about a situation where the PARENTS have baggage with the CHILD. I wouldnt even be in this situation of the child was my husbands, and i think that is a callous and insensitive thing to say.

Look, all i wanted in posting was opinions from other bithmothers who considered abortion, then decided on adoption. I wanted to know why they chose that route, and the effects its had on them. NOT to be reprimaded for considering adoption!

You may think my reasons are selfish because I dont want to be tied to this ex for 18 years, but where is best for the child? In a home WITH baggage over its father, or a home WITHOUT? I know adoption is not a passing fancy, and have seriously considered the consequences and reprocussions of this option. I dont know how I will feel after the child is born, which again, is why i posted here. So i could understand, with firsthand accounts, what it is like.

[SchmennaLeigh]

but i'm talking about a situation where the PARENTS have baggage with the CHILD

You must not have done much research on fostering, sadly. Children who come with special needs in the foster system, of the emotional venue, can cause HUGE rifts in families. Visit our special needs boards for more proof in that pudding.

[tyiakoum]

fairydust, you misconstrued my "glass half full" vs. the half empty scenario. I was trying to help you work through (not condemning you) the issues.

I am sorry that you are offended. Based on what I read in your response, you are just in the mindset that everything about this is bad and wrong. There are always two sides to every story. I was trying to point out some of the things that could turn into positives somewhere down the road.

As a trained mentor for 19 years in the foster care system for DSS in various states, I absolutely have clarity about fostering/adopting issues.

I second what Jenna said about how FC issues can tear a family apart. I also recommend if at some point you do re-enter the consideration to foster, you check out the FC boards and the SN boards also. The older the child the more deep the issues.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by fairydust159

He feels bad because he has so much hatred toward the guy, and consequently, the child. He knows the child has done nothing to deserve any of this, but still resents it.

Originally Posted by fairydust159

We both look at the time we were seperated as a painful mistake... and just want to forget it as quickly as possible...

You really need to get some counseling around this. The bottom line is that even if you place, this child will always be "the elephant in the living room" that no one talks about, but who is always there. As much as you would "like to forget", it is not psychologically possible to do so. I know birthmoms who were in your situation. All of the birthmoms I know really regret placing. Because the bottom line is they could not forget their children, nor could their spouses ever forgive them for having a child that wasn't theirs.

If you really want this marriage to work, you and your husband will need to resolve this. Forgetting it is not likely to happen. You cannot go back, you can only go forward with an understanding of the reality of the past.

[ourdreamcametru]

I am the mother of a beautiful little girl who we adopted at birth two years ago. Something that I wanted to add is that there are no mistakes. This journey was planned for you for whatever reason. Maybe it was to bring you and your husband back together or may to concieve this sweet child for some loving couple who can't have children of their own or in our case who want to continue their family through adoption. Please think your decision through.

[Chelsea0220]

wow these people arent being too helpful and this is a first ive seen of that. However I understand where you are coming from. I am in a similar siuation. In my eyes the only option is for you to give the baby for adoption because it isnt something you want. You dont want this child because of the circumstances and you can give a couple the chance to have something they cant produce themselves. So out of a mistake you made a beuatiful gift, a miracle. I dont understand why people are asking you to considering parenting when its clearly not what you want to do. But yes I do think you and your husband need to get some help in working through this and you resentment. But keeping a child and resenting him/her is not the life you want for your child when there is someone out there that would never do this. Its not good to see your child as a burden and if thats what this baby is then adoption is a good choice. I am going through my deision process as well. So If you want to talk feel free to contact me and good luck. Dont let anyone bring you down. It will all work out.

[EmmaLeigh2882]

I am so sorry you are going through a hard time right now. I cannot offer any advice, but I can send you a (((hug))) and emotional support! Every life is a special gift, whether it is a gift that is kept or a gift that is given away!
I pray that God gives you the grace to go through the processes of healing... and your husband as well...
God never lets you walk down a road by yourself.