[karaleah]

I feel a little funny posting this question, since I'm an aparent, but I keep hearing stories of open adoptions closing as soon as the adoption is final and so it makes me wonder... how could a pbmom evaluate whether or not aparents are sincere about wanting to keep the adoption open? Are there signs (good or bad) pbmom could look for? Red flags?

For bmoms in adoptions that promised openness but were later closed, when you look back on the months or weeks leading up to placement, do you see any warning signs? Is hindsight 20/20?

Should a pbmom just make the p-aparents take lie detector tests?? (kidding... though it might work... )

Shari

[mom2GRLC]

I think by askign a lot of question she could tell by their responces or look in their eyes wether they are sincere or not.

Do I think they should take lie detector tests....LOL...YOU MUST BE JOKING!!!!

If an expectant mother is that concerned about having an open adoption she should only adopt her child out to someone who lives in a state that can make that adoption legally binding.

[happygmom]

Interesting question. There is no way to tell if someone is sincere. A good sign is a family that is already in a successful, healthy open adoption. I think a bad sign is a famliy who tries to negotiate with the expectant parent for a no contact "open" adoption. Even in states where open adoptions are legally binding, the adoptive parents can close the adoption for the benefit of the child. While the clause is important to protect children from first parents who may have life styles that are detrimental to child's well-being, it really could mean just about anything. It will be interesting to see how these states deal with broken agreements.

One should also take a close look at the agency's view of open adoption. Meaning, are they using it as an advertising gimmick or do they truly make an effort to educate adoptive and expectant parents about the benefits and that it is NOT co-parenting? When my daughter was pregnant and considering adoption, she worked through an agency that advertised itself as an open adoption agency but most of their clients wanted no contact.

Happy G'Ma

[SchmennaLeigh]

There's no possible way. It's a shot in the dark, a leap of faith. Some firstparents get burned while others are simply lucky.

[billysmommy]

While I do agree that's it is a leap of faith, I also think there are ways to minimize the risks of an adoption closing. I agree with the poster who suggested that the child be placed in a state where open agremeents are legal and binding. Also, a family that already has a working open adoption, I would think would be less likely to close. Now, I don't mean one that has been "working" for the first year. But rather one where the adopted child is old enough to understand, one where issues have come up and been resolved. Basically, one where the committment is evident.
I also think it's important to find people that you can see yourself having a relationship with for at least 18 years. People that you would enjoy each others company even if you didn't have the child in common. I know that for me, once we had built a friendship, it's no longer only about our common child(ren), but also about us.

[lahdh4]

It is a hope and a dream that the adoption won't close. I hope it doesn't happen for myself, I know that it can since I live in one of many states that see open adoptions or agreements as legally binding so I go on the word of the aparents that they wanted an open adoption.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Quick note: even if the adoptive family that is being considered has a current and working open adoption doesn't mean that everything will be hunky-dory. While it shows that they can make it work, there are so many factors that play into making EACH open adoption work. I've heard of families closing BOTH adoptions (different birthmothers) because on birthmother wasn't providing beneficial contact for the child.

It's hit or miss. And that's what sucks.

[BestLight]

This question could be posed as a fill-in-the-blank:

"How Can You Tell if _________ is Sincere?"

...your mechanic
...your significant other
...your 5-year-old's apology
...???

In fact, you could fill in with "the expectant parent."

Most of the time (I believe) in adoption, people are sincere. Sometimes situations change, or people change their minds based on new information or new feelings. This goes for both birth- and adoptive- parents.

It comes down to listening to your own intuition and living with integrity toward all involved. Golden rule, baby, golden rule.

[karsensbirthmom]

I knew my sons adoptive parents were serious about an open adoption when they put in the agreement that i could visit my son even though i didn't put it in there

[msdesi]

Originally Posted by karaleah

For bmoms in adoptions that promised openness but were later closed, when you look back on the months or weeks leading up to placement, do you see any warning signs? Is hindsight 20/20?

I can see what I now consider red flags looking back. For one thing, when I met the couple they were pretty much agreeing with my every suggestion while not giving any concrete answers. Example: I ask if future visits are possible. They enthusiatically agree they are "open to it" without any follow up comments on specifics such as frequency, or even when said visits may happen. When I asked these questions they would state: "Let's just play it by ear". In other words I was getting the type of non-answer that would lead me to believe they were willing for a much more open adoption than it turned out.

I guess my advice to expecting moms who are interviewing a couple is to press for a direct answer.