[Annalisat]

I have two wonderful children. I placed a third child with a great family in December 2005 (not all that long ago). Well.... STUPID Me!!! I'm pregnant again.

I know that it's not your place to help decide what to do, but I would appreciate all of your advice... I'm lost on what to do.

The father is great... It seems we're in love. The problem is that he is from Austrailia, and is going home in December. He'd love for me to come with, but I can't. My children need stability. They have moved 10 times in my oldest childs life (and he's only four!). I've been here since April. I love it here. My oldest just started his first pre-school. I have an awesome job, but I'm starting an even better job in a week - with VERY high pay, and benefits!!! It seems like everything is great... except the morning sickness that prompted me to have a pregnancy test. He told me he was unable to have children... STUPID ME!!! I can't beleive I'm in the same situation again!!!

I've tried convincing him to move here, but he says it's not "home". I haven't told him of my pregnancy yet. Here's what I'm thinking:

Option #1: Not tell him. When he leaves, I can give the baby to a stable family... a two parent home family. I was adopted myself, and I firmly beleive that adoption is the greatest gift that someone can give. My third child is much better off, that's for sure! I couldn't afford to work if I had to pay for a third child in daycare... Hate welfare too. I'd be happy, and single again... Which I've grown to love.

Option #2: Tell the father... Give up my dream life and move to Austrailia... risk being miserable, but happily married... or not... risk having my children grow up not seeing their dad (my ex-husband) who is such a great influence in their life... not growing up with my mom or my sister (their grandma and aunt) whom they absolutley adore... raising three children in a strange land(three children is my biggest fear). I don't feel capable of supporting three kids. I haven't the financial means, or the patience.

I know it's wrong to not let the father help decide, but if I tell him, there's only one option... move to Austrailia... I can't! I don't want to! Maybe it's not that bad there, but my kids are just getting used to living here!!! I love it here! I love my job! I know the adoption is what my heart desires, but is it absolutly wrong that I not tell him about the pregnancy? I'd feel guilty about that too!!!

Please answer what you think I should do... It may help to have someone else's input.

Thanks,
Anna

[Leigh131313]

I think, no matter what you decide you should tell the father.

I also think you have another option - Raise this baby where you are now.

You have 9 months to get prepared. Do you have maternity leave with your new job? There are definetly resources out there for single parents, perhaps someone here can help you out if you are having troubles finding them.

No matter what you decide, I wish you and your new baby the very best!!

Congratulations on your new baby

I hope you find time to look after yourself.

[HappyTwinsMom]

I agree with Leigh...take your time, consider all your options, explore all possibilities of support you can get to help you raise your child...and tell the father. He has every right to know. Not telling him and then either placing the baby or raising him/her yourself isn't fair at all.

Best of luck to you in your decision-making. I can't imagine how overwhelming it must all be.

[Annalisat]

Thanks... I'm afraid to tell him, but I think you're right. Thank you

[bromanchik]

Have you ever thought that he might want to stay and raise the baby with you. Stranger things have happened.

[Mommy24]

Anna, First you should tell the father. It is only fair he have the chance to step up and be a father to his child, maybe he will stay,you wont know until you give him a chance. If he decides to move on then he is still responsible for helping make a plan for this child, Do not let him run away from his responsibility. If you decide to parent this child alone, he needs to be made pay child support, their is alot of help out there for single mothers, and you may not like welfare but try and remember it is short term help while you get on your feet. I have 4 children and I never thought I would have the patience to parent that many, but God has given me them and I have learned patience and I love every bit of being a Mommy to 4 children.

If you decide to place your baby for adoption, Is it an option for the aparents of your other child to adopt this one? I wish you the best of luck in this very hard decision you are going to make, Please feel free to Pm me anytime you need to talk.

[SchmennaLeigh]

If you think you love this guy, give him the benefit of the doubt and just tell him.

Fathers do have rights. We must respect them as well.

[Mkuhlmann06]

I have to agree you should tell the guy. You said he told you he couldn't have children. Maybe it wasn't a lie or line...and this may be his chance of being a BF. If/when you tell him...He may decide to still go home. He may decide to stay. Maybe he will want to raise the baby back home if you do not think you could take on a 3rd child right now (but keep joint custody so it leaves the door open for future). When you have the baby, will you put his name on the birth certificate? If you do adoption, wouldn't they have to contact him anyway? I think there are a million what ifs... I think some of them would be answered by telling him about the pregnancy and go from there.

I truly wish you (and your children) the best.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by Mkuhlmann06

If you do adoption, wouldn't they have to contact him anyway?

Legally, ethically and morally; yes.

[Annalisat]

Thank you all for your input. I appreciated it, and I needed it. When I saw him last night, after the kids were asleep, I told him. It's incredible how it went. I mean, my first pregnancy, the father didn't speak to me for two days... he was so mad at me for letting it happen. The second two babies, after I told the father, I got beat up... not bad, but bad enough. I was so scared. My current boyfriend just held me, and told me he's there for me, but he needs time to think about it... I told him that's just fine... OF COURSE!!! He stayed the night, and he still loves me, but we are unsure of what decision we'll make. I told him I am very open to adoption, and if he still want's to go home, I'll take care of it. It's such a releif that he'll be there to support OUR decision! I guess in time we'll see what happens.

It's like a load off my shoulders!!! I was just frightened of what would happen, because of my past experiences. I can't beleive that there truly are men out there that aren't a$$holes

Thank you all for your suggestions. I know I did the right thing

Oh... and if I do adopt, my aparents are the first choice... if they think they want another one. They adopted a son and he's now eight years, and my bchild is 9 months, so I'll let them know if that's what we deside. They are truly the best!

Thank you

[SchmennaLeigh]

I'm glad it went well. Seems like this guy could be a keeper, no matter your decision. Now is the time to make a plan, write out all options and get some research done.

I'm just glad it went well. I know what a load off of your heart and mind that must be.

[tyiakoum]

Anna,

I can definitely give you advice. I am married to a man from Greece. And we've been married for 15 years. He has made many sacrifices to stay here in the states and would never move back home to his island. However, I can tell you that, he is intermittently very sad without his family around him.

We have a very close bond and a very strong marriage. We almost moved to Greece but made the decision to stay here. I can tell you that there is no place like home (and by that, I mean, America). I've spent an extended amount of time living overseas in Europe and usually kiss the ground when I come home.
I know that Australia is an english speaking country, so it would be easier for you to adapt (I speak, read and write Greek, had to for survival mode!). However, there are little things that cause you to really miss the US. When I am in Greece I am loving how different it is, and absorbing the food and culture... but still I long for home. I know Andreas feels the same when we are in the States, though! However, he is the "breadwinner" and cannot make a living on the island that is comparable to ours here in the States. We can't justify starting over for him to make a bad living (you can't believe the cost of living overseas, compared to the salaries, and even w/a successful business, it is not comparable to the States)

We go to the island at least 6 weeks a year, to spend w/his family. It makes him really happy and fulfilled. Usually he starts getting sad maybe 9 months into the wait before we leave... so for 3 months he's pretty sad and on the phone a lot w/family in Greece.

Andreas made big sacrifices for our marriage and for me and for his career. If your sweetheart, knowing you are expecting, is unwilling to consider staying here in the States to be a parent to the baby, as well as, for your love, that is something to take into consideration.

However, I read also that you make a good living and have supports in place. That needs to be taken into consideration also.

I know this is so confusing for you. Hope my perspective on my marriage helps. It is really hard to be married to someone from another country. You are both pushed and pulled to the home country of each. I know many international couples... and we all have the exact same dilemmas. You are lucky there is no language barrier!

Good luck to you, hope this helps. Follow your heart and your dreams. It sounds to me from your choices that you deep down prefer to live here in the US. And you have compelling reasons... the kids.. Kids are really adaptable but you have given many reasons to stay and only one reason to leave. That is, love. And, if things don't work out w/the sweetheart... you will have made so many concessions.

Sending you huge hugs of support

[Annalisat]

Thank you Tammi. That helped a ton! When I didn't want to tell him, one reason is because I don't want to move to Austrailia, and I know that he'll try to convince me, and I might give in... which I am so afraid of! But we really are in love. It's amazing how wonderful he is. But maybe I should consider moving there with him. He has three investment properties in Austrailia, and he's been with his company for five years (and they are paying for rent, car, cell phone, etc. while he's here), and he's up for a promotion shortly. Plus, I've never had a problem finding employment here, so I probably could find a good job there too... I'll consider it anyway. He told me he wants to "Have a chat" later, so I'll just have to see what his thoughts are and go from there.

I know this will turn out to be a blessing in disguise. I've always been blessed. I am Christian, although I struggle at being good. I know that He has a plan for me, and I thank Him everyday for the wonderful life I have. I'm sure it will work out.

Thank you again Tammi

Annalisa

[tyiakoum]

annalisa, the cultural differences and the language differences are not as severe as what i face. aussie culture is somewhat like the US (one of my best friends is aussie greek from Darwin, AU, now living in Athens, GR). And of course, they speak english!

The worst thing though, your ex's relationship w/the kids. That is a really tough call.

Good luck, sweetie! Seriously, I pray that you find peace and solace with whatever decision you make.

hugs,

[childrenslove]

Hello,
I read your story and you are a very strong women!!! You and only you know the situation and what you can get into! We have 2 wonderful girls we are trying to adopt through foster care and they are the best! I think maybe you could try to tell him. He can not force you to move and you have other children to think about which you are adn that is great! We wish you the best of luck and hope things work for you. Nicole