[gweeds99]

Well... I'm in a pickle here. I'm 22 years old. I dated a girl for half a year and she ended up breaking up with me. Now... 5 months after the break up, she tells me she is pregnant with my child. She is 7 months into the pregnancy. Apparently she had just found out she was pregnant a few days before she told me. I've seen her several times since the break up and she is not showing much. Maybe a little pouch. She was on the pill when we were seeing eachother. I just don't know what to do now. I have 2 months to grow up. 2 months to get ready to be a father.

How did this happen? How can you get pregnant while your on the pill? How did she not know she was pregnant for 7 months? She said she still bled... I guess it wasn't her period... but do you still bleed when you're pregnant? Should I have a paternaty test? Is adoption right for this situation? I do not love her. I couldn't imagine trying to raise a kid with her. What do I do? Whats the first step? I really don't even know where to start with dealing with this.

Any input would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

[DianeScraps]

You've got a ton of quesitons here (understandably) I will do my best to run down them

How can you get pregnant while your on the pill?
In addition to not preventing STDs the pill is not 100% effective - no birth control method is besides absitinence


How did she not know she was pregnant for 7 months? She said she still bled... I guess it wasn't her period... but do you still bleed when you're pregnant?
It is possible for women to cycle through their pregnancy, additional factors such as stress, or denial, or fear of telling, could have made her believe she was not pregnant

Should I have a paternaty test?
While it isn't the first thing I would mention to her it is something that you should consider

Is adoption right for this situation?
Adoption is a very tough situation, I would strongly encourgage both you and her get counseling to consider your options


I do not love her. I couldn't imagine trying to raise a kid with her. What do I do? Whats the first step?
Take a deep breath, seek a counselor, and then arrange to sit down with her in a neutral place in a calm manner

[happygmom]

Dianescraps has given you some excellent information. I know many women who have gotten pregnant on the pill.

See a counselor about your feelings about being a father. Even though you do not love your ex, you have an obligation to your child. And you will love your child once he/she is a reality.

Demand a paternity test. It is the best thing to do for the child.

Happy G'Ma

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Im with the others... yes! Paternity test! But I would simply let her know that you are going to want the test... see if the hospital that she will deliver at has that service...

And remember that if she just found out she is pregnant.. that gives her the same time frame to "Grow up" -- on top of getting bigger and having only two months to get baby furniture..clothes...diapers... everything she would have had 9 months to stockpile she ALSO has to do in two... while facing the hardest part of pregnancy.

The first thing you should do, in my opion, is sit down with her and discuss what should happen if this IS your child. What does she want from you and what do you want from her... and of course.. find out about your child.

You dont have to love her to love your child -- but you do have to show her respect... no doubt it was also a shock to her.

[MlynnBrrtt]

What does the mother want? I am sorry to say that adoption can not be an option if the mother decideds she wants to parent her child... there will be nothing for you to do in that regard except get the test & be involved in (if it is your) child's life. I would talk with her & be supportive. You are just as responsible for your child as she is.... if she decides to parent you will also be required to atleast pay child support. I would casually mention adoption to her.... but I wouldn't push it. She is scared & vonerable and will resent/hate you something feirce if she feels like she was forced/pushed/coerced (at a time when she was very vonerable to persuasion) into surendering her child for adoption. On top of that adoption is not a fix all situation... it can be wonderful.... but comes with risks in that most young mother's are not prepared for the intense grief, depression, and emotional trauma they endure when they sign their child away. You may also regret it years later & long for your child once he/she is born no matter how much you may think he/she is unwanted right now. Birth & parential bonds are POWERFUL forces to reckon with & you might just change your mind once you are gazing into the eyes of your son or daughter. Anyhow good luck & please keep us updated.

[happygmom]

MlynnBrrtt - Wonderful post with sound advice.

Happy G'Ma

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I think that was just a casual question.... it doesnt sound like he is pushing anything... well except proving it is his baby... which IMO he SHOULD.

[Annmairi]

Gweeds99:

DO NOT have your name put on that birth certificate until you are certain it is your child. Once your name is on there, you will be liable for child support. AND no after-the-fact paternity test...that is...after your name is on that certificate...will have any bearing on your "legal" responsibility.

[HOPEFULINPA]

DO NOT have your name put on that birth certificate until you are certain it is your child. Once your name is on there, you will be liable for child support. AND no after-the-fact paternity test...that is...after your name is on that certificate...will have any bearing on your "legal" responsibility

This is untrue.

My nephew put his name on his girlfriends twin daughters birth certificate when they were born in January 2005. They went to court for a paternity test in September 2005 and he was proven not to be the father. He has no legal responsiblity for those girls now that the paternity has been established, even though his name is still on the birth certificate.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

It depends on the state....

Here if you sign paternity with out a test.. you have 45 days to back out... unless fraud is proven. (Which a paternity test may prove.. especially that early in the child's life). If it were later.. then not so sure the court would even be convinced to order the paternity test.

On the other hand... even though the mom and legal father cannot change their mind... if the natural father finds out and comes forward.. there is no time limit.. Though he would have to show cause... and first motion to be able to show cause... before he will even be granted a paternity test.

This is in AZ. It is a state by state issue... check your state's laws.

Christine

[kinnanepetersen]

I agree with the others - get a paternity test and find out what your rights are. The bulk of the decision making is technically in her hands, but I think you owe it to her, the child, and yourself to sit down with her and discuss all your options. Share your thoughts and concerns - carefully - with her. Let he know that you want to talk honestly, and that your not saying anything to intentionally upset or hurt her. Let her know your scared. She's scared too - talk to her about that. Let her know your feelings about being a parent... if you both decide that your a BOTH not ready to be parents then maybe adoption could be the right choice. Adoption is a great thing, but can be very hard.