[evildishrag]

Originally Posted by happygmom

Adoption is no guarentee that your child will be raised in a 2-parent home. We are fed the myth that adoptive parents are some kind of saints. They are not - they die, they fight, they separate, and they divorce just like everyone else.

Exactly. When I placed I didn't give any thought to whether or not his parents would divorce and it was one of the two things I wondered most about. (Are they still married & does he have any siblings).

Luckily their marriage has been happy and stable but anything can happen. Single parent family can later be two parent familly. And vice versa.

[happygmom]

Originally Posted by FH-heartened

Just want to chime in here - (Great post, G'ma!) to add - I don't think mental illness precludes parenting. There are many types of mental illnesses and many people who parent very VERY well despite having them. I don't think mental illness automatically means someone cannot parent extremely well. (Nor do I think G'ma was trying to say "all" mental illnesses either)

I've made similar statements myself. I say "mental illness" when what I actually mean is "debilitating mental illnesses."

Just thought I'd toss that out there.

Thank you for amending my post - debilitating mental illness is correct and what I meant to say. There are lots of great parents with treatable physical and mental challenges. Those who do not seek treatment or repeat the same behaviors over and over (drugs, alcohol, not taking meds, etc.) should question their ability to be good parents.

Happy G'Ma

[happygmom]

Originally Posted by Kindreds

I guess everyone said it all. Just one thing to add, I belong to a support group for natural mothers from the closed adoption era who are now reunited with their children. A good 1/3 of the mothers found that the adoptive parents had divorced. There are no guarantees in life.

Hmmm - this gives me chills. When my daughter was considering adoption for her child, she was put on real guilt trip about not providing her child with a traditional Mom/Dad kind of family by a few friends and agencies. It was her number #1 reason to choose adoption and a glaring negative on her side of the list of "what can I give my child?". It was the most agonizing part of her decision.

So, 1 year later she is a very happy single mom, back in school, and in a serious relationship with a great guy who adores her son and is talking marriage next year. Someone said it in a posting above - You NEVER know what lies ahead.

Happy G'Ma

[Boulderbabe]

I'm a single mom (by adoption). It's hard, but it can be done. The hardest part, to be honest, is just the day-to-day grind----working a full-time job, doing all the childcare and all the housework adds up to a lot of labor.

But if you're willing to commit to doing what needs to be done, single parenting can work very well. I always think that on a scale of 1-10, single parenting is a 5. It's harder than parenting with a really supportive partner, and easier than parenting with a jerk. :-)

The negative side is that it's hard to do on one income and with only 24 hours in a day. The positive side is that you have an intense bond with your child that just can't be beat. I love my son and I love single parenting.

And nobody knows anything about babies until they have the first one. :-) Get "What to Expect the First Year," line up a good pediatrician, and the baby will teach you the rest.

Good luck!

[Ski_Bunny]

To all -

Thank you for your responses; I appreciate them...One more thought in regard to relinquishment.

Naturally, as this child's mother, I want to protect him/her in any way possible. I simply cannot imagine the hurt that they will feel when rejected by bfather and his desire not to be involved.
Food for thought: Would it be better to place with (2) loving parents and keep the bfather out of the picture? Or one loving mother and MIA dad? (FYI - bfather does not have any condition that would hinder parenting; except the most obvious - the will & acceptance to acknowledge child.)
I probably spend every waking moment debating the choice to place or adopt, and it changes every 15 minutes.

Ski_Bunny

[SchmennaLeigh]

Would it be better to place with (2) loving parents and keep the bfather out of the picture? Or one loving mother and MIA dad? (FYI - bfather does not have any condition that would hinder parenting; except the most obvious - the will & acceptance to acknowledge child.)

Well, again, that's only something you can answer. Pre-placement, I would have argued for a two parent family. Knowing everything that I know now both regarding placement and parenting, I know that children WILL thrive in either environment as long as they are loved and cared for. From your post, it sounds that you are capable AND VERY loving (protecting your child, etc, all SCREAM of parental love ). In my opinion, not knowing you in any way more than what you have written here, you would be a great single mother. Plenty of children are raised in single parent households, be it a decison on a parent's part, divorce or death. My Husband's parents divorced and he's a pretty well adjusted guy; sure, he's kinda weird, but in a good way. (ha!)

It's okay to waiver back and forth. And it's AWESOME that you're asking questions. Props!

[evildishrag]

Originally Posted by Ski_Bunny

I simply cannot imagine the hurt that they will feel when rejected by bfather and his desire not to be involved.

Quite honestly, though unfortunately, it happens all the time. Whether during the pregnancy, infancy, childhood or whenever, sometimes parents choose to be uninvolved.

"Unfortunately, your biological father was not prepared to be a parent." The End. (That won't be for years anyway).

Would it be better to place with (2) loving parents and keep the bfather out of the picture? Or one loving mother and MIA dad?

I'd go with one loving mother because the one loving mother is you and you know you and are confident with your abilities.

[Ragnarok]

Sadly, your child is likely to be hurt by his/her father's unwillingness to be involved, regardless of whether you parent or place him/her. I would not let it affect your decision too much.

[FauxClaud]

What I am hearing is that you fear that the child will be hurt by an absent father.

As Brad said..his unwillingness to care IS this child's story..and it will be what it will be no matter how he grew up, who parents. The truth, his truth, is that his naural father at this time is behaving like a swine. Nothing at this point is going to change that...excecpt maybe time and maturity of the guys part.
If he is hurt, then he will be hurt, but wouldn't it be nice if you could be the one drying the tears?

The other major factor...a child who has the tendency to be hurt by the loss of one parent, is more likely to be hurt by the loss of the other as well.

And no matter how great of a relationship you might forage with an adoptive couple, frequently, the child will also feel that you too have rejected him and did not desire to be involved. The adoption papers don't say that "you lovingly place your baby", they say you "relinquish" and some even use the words "abandon baby" .

Even if that is not the intellectual story..the feelings of the heart do not always match what the head says.
Have you read some of the thoughts of adult adoptees?? While you will find feelings across the board, what is important to know is that you cannot control how the child will feel...the good stories or the sadest ones. The adoptive parents will not be able to control how the child will feel. And no one will know what kind of sensitive or not temperment this baby will have until long after all is said and done.

The truth is the truth as it stands right now. Dad is a jerk. But you are most obviously not. How this child interpets all of it is up to him and the tools he is given. You can choose to teach this baby the tools yourself, or hand him over to fate. What happens then is a crap shoot.

With adoption you really do lose all control over what happens to your child..you don't get to re- write personal history..you might get to observe it and be a visiting player, but you don't get to dry the tears, kiss the booboos away and make it all better. That's a moms job..and to some..if you give away that title, then you are in the same league with dad.

I, personally, find the arguement to have a child lose a loving mother in order to have a mother and father fiqure to be so full of holes that swiss cheese looks like solid lead.

Why should this baby lose you..it's willing capapble loving mother... to gain something that he has already lost?

[banjo]

I agree with everyone. The bdad is absent right now but that could change, in 6 mths, 2 years, 5 years, etc he could come around or his family will want involvement....it can change overnite. I think it is best to accept he wants no day to day involvement and then carry on being a wonderful mother!!! Enjoy that tiny baby - being a mother is the BEST - also it is seriously hardwork, emotional, sleep depravation...not to mention the washing!!!! But it is the best. As a bmother I totally regret my decision. Yep the bfather pressured me - infact he pressured me to have an abortion and was very pleased that I carried through with an adoption plan. But it was all wrong for me. So stop thinking about him!!!! I know you and baby will have a great life...pleased don't give up the magic of motherhood.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

You know, ski bunny, you might look at it like this. If THIS is the reason that you place, and it is the only one you have mentioned, and the adoptive parents divorce.... then what?

If you get married down the line... and then there you are in a two parent home.

What if you place and the adoptive parents divorce AND you marry....

Do you see where this is going?

I mean we have seen a lot of times where.. not only have adoptive parent's divorced... but they did it soon after the adoption!

You may be choosing a couple because they appear to be loving, supportive couples... but when their are standards involved... people are going to put forth the image that that standard is looking for. The reality shows up later...

Or... they are adopting thinking... I will be a great parent! BUT just like you... they have never been a parent... the reality of it doesnt actually hit until you are there...

I personally enjoy not having to compromise with another parent on how to raise my daughter. I get to do it my way.... That is a plus.

And as we all have said... the baby's dad may not be acknowledging now, but if you dont let him get away with that.. he wont. I also wanted to point out that he is the baby's father and not birthfather. Involved or not... father. These other crazy titles only come into play later... he is not a birthfather... you are not a birthmother... you guys are simply parents. One more involved at this point than the other.

Serve him with papers... let him hold his baby... you just cannot know (and either can her) if or when he will decide he is being a jerk.

[banjo]

Yes, you are right - the father is the father - I apologise for calling him something else. He mite be abehaving like a jerk but he is still your baby's father. Also please don't bad mouth him to your wee baby - like it or not his is part of her. She will figure out what he is about as she grows up - children see and understand far more than we think!
She/he will respect you for this...I know that you are going to be a great mom - stop worrying about the father.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Beyond divorce, not to use a scare tactic, but car accidents, general accidents and health issues take away parents every year. Two parent homes are simply not guaranteed.

[dkb60]

Spend a week thinking about what your life will look like 5 years, 10 years, 15 years down the road with baby and without baby. Really think about it. Then ask yourself which dream/picture you would rather have. Talk to some people who have good and not so good open adoption arrangements. Talk to some of us about how scary it was to be a first time mom. If someone says they were not scared, they are lying. Being responsible for someone is a scary deal. Look at your support system. that doesn't just mean parents.

The fact that you ask the question shows that you have at least an ounce of common sense (an important parenting tool, I might add). So much of what makes a good/great parent is on the job training. If you are leaning that way, and you will "go it alone", find yourself a mentor. Another parent or couple or friend that will walk with you through this journey.

I made the adoption decision. I was much younger than you. Though I came to terms with my decision, I never stopped wondering about lots of things concerning that decision.

This is a hard time. Don't be forced into a decision and don't make a decision to "make someone else happy".

Keep us updated
D.

[Ski_Bunny]

I read these posts, and then I read them again, and yet again...and probably one final time before I fall asleep on the sofa in my work clothes (classy, I'll admit

When I first told people I was considering adoption; I expected a sort of noble acknowledgement. A "Good for you!" or "You made the right choice!" - something that would confirm I was righting the wrong out of an unplanned pregnancy.

Instead, they said, "Why?"

Whoa...not exactly what I anticipated.
So, I revisit my reasoning, albeit, slightly invalid reasoning it seems. Kudos to the people that force me to answer the question because I still don't have a landed response.

Ski_Bunny