[numbr1dbcksfan]

Hi guys--

In our many discussions of considering the options, we have run into younger women and men. So.. this topic is for those who were a younger parent.. High School or College age. Not all young mom's are single parents, we see plently of dad-to-bes here, too. So be sure to chime in if you are one of those!

What are the (extra) struggles and how did you get through them? Did you use resources? Anything you think is helpful to know! Do you think that being a young mom was easier/harder than being older (I know that my daughter is growing up.. and Im not such a 'young mom' any more! )? Share your words of wisdom.

I'll chime in a bit later... lets see if this gets started!

Happy Posting!

Christine

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Alright.. I suppose there were no takers over the weekend... (I KNOW you are out there... )

So I'll start...

One thing that I would see as a struggle now... that I didnt so much then, Was having a car... Walking and bussing it were the way to go.. (Of course she got the luxury stroller ride.. )

I could never do that now!!

Another thing is that when I was younger and she was just a baby, It didnt really matter much if I lived in the best neighborhood... I remember that my friend and I moved into a town house that we thought was AWESOME at the time.... but now I would NEVER move there!!

AND-- it was quite alright to live off of Ramen noodles!! (And great way to lose weight!!)

So I guess in that aspect-- standard-wise-- being a young mom was easier because I didnt have to worry about 'the best' things.... If I were to have a baby now.. it would be WAY more expensive.. and I would be a bit more stuck up about it.

I have more input.. but let's see if anyone bites now, before I throw in the towel!

[Cobb]

Christine, I was at the tail end of your range... late college when I had Anna. Employment, housing and transportation are all things that we struggled with... not to mention diapers and groceries. Having a newborn again now, the differences are vast. When I look back, there are things that we were really fortunate worked out for us and many, many things I wish I would have known then! How do you want to do this. Should we give an overview of what our situations were and then address what we did and what we wish we would have known?

Great idea for a thread. I'll check back in when I have a little more time to write.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I agree on the diapers and groceries!

I guess, I was looking for ways to share with expecting moms, the struggles and solutions, the things that are a big deal when the kids are older that arent such a big deal when they are a baby, things that are easily solved when looking through those 'younger' eyes.

My daughter is 8 1/2 now and doesnt want for anything.. so those first few years of 'struggle' paid off... and really didnt 'seem' like a struggle then as much as I 'view' it as a struggle now....

Ok.. that may have clarified nothing... I guess just chit chat about it all!

[Montraviatommyg]

Would love to join in this topic but the only child I had was adopted.

Pip

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Well how about this...

What struggles were presented to you... and were they solvable?

[Montraviatommyg]

My struggles were that my parents were adament that my child would be no matter what, I had no support, and, I was basically lied to and coerced by the social workers. I could have solved the problems myself but I didn't have the courage to go it alone.

My parents virtually brainwashed me into thinking that nobody would help me or if they did my parents would have stopped them doing so. I was working so could have financially as well as emotionally looked after my son. Even so I would have been entitled to child as all mothers whether they work or not are entitled to this. I could have got housing through the local council so if I had given up work I would have got housing benefit, council tax benefit and unemployment benefit so working or not I could have coped. I was so beaten down by my parents threats that included making sure I wouldn't get accomodation therefore living on the streets that my son would be taken off me anyway. They also put the fear of God into me not to talk to anybody else.

The social worker treated me badly as well as she knew I didn't want to go through with the adoption yet did nothing to stop it. She encouraged me not to see my son in case I changed mind and go ahead with the adoption. My one act of "rebellion" was to see my son plus spend some time with him. Reality is she did nothing to help nor did she put a stop to the adoption. When he was six weeks old I was told it was too late to put a stop to the adoption but it wasn't until last year I found out that it wasn't too late. It was just a ploy to make sure the adoption went through.

With hindsight I do regret not standing up to my parents or the case worker and had searched for support. However at least I didn't abort him and am fortunate to be in reunion. Even now my parents don't talk about my son even though he has had contact with them longer than me.

Pip

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I do have to say, that I was out of my "parent's" house at 16, so I didnt really have to contend with that issue. They have only been in my life for a few months at a time over the past 8 years... and not for a couple years.

So I wonder, when looking at Aurora, the daughter I parent, and Kristin, the daughter I do not.. if a big difference is that with Aurora, I got no outside influence. I never considered adoption... at all. with Kristin, I got quite a bit of outside influence... the pats on the back for "making the right choice" and the social worker as "my friend".. the morning that I signed the papers I even said to her that I needed her to come over so I could sign them now-- or else I wouldnt. Like you said... ensuring the adoption would go through.

So I liked your resources! I had WIC available to me with Aurora.. but was too proud to take it. I DID go to school on a grant at the time... but I guess I saw that as different... but not so much now.. both are government services to help the future! Doing it again.. of COURSE I would take the help.. I probably would have qualified for food stamps, too. All that taking the help would have done was make it a bit easier for me, freeing up cash for things like DIAPERS! Our area-- and I think most areas, now-- had a child resource and referal service... I had a baby sitter that I paid $50 a week for! She spoke mostly Spanish.. but still took great care of Aurora. I know now that I could have qualified for a daycare program and paid as low as $1 a day!!

[michellemartin]

What are the (extra) struggles and how did you get through them?

I think the extra struggles were outweighed by the good. The only really really tough thing was affording day care. We ended up pulling Karma out of TWO very bad in home day cares. Finally the third was the one she stayed in (we were waiting for an opening forever!) In home was/is cheaper than a day care center. Unfortunately Karma's dad decided when she was three that he wasnt going to pay half of day care if she wasnt in a certified day care and I was forced to put her into a regular center.

Did you use resources?

No, I was working about a bajillion hours making pizza so I managed to be just above the guidelines for recieving aid in pretty much any form. Didnt qualify for housing, day care assistance, or food stamps. I did qualify for WIC ONLY while I was still in high school. I used that for about a year.

Do you think that being a young mom was easier/harder than being older?

I dont think it was easier exactly. The parenting, for me, would have gone about the same. Some days I do wonder how things would have gone if I had placed her. It's almost like, if I'd placed her, then Kara would be with me now. Sort of a very unsettling thought that either way, I'd be without one of my girls. I would have gone to college and done the things I felt that I "needed" to do with my life ages ago if I wasnt a teen parent.

So I guess what I'm saying was the hardest thing about being a teen parent was putting everything I wanted to do with my life on hold so that I could support both of us.

Share your words of wisdom.

I have no wisdom . Uhm... lets see... rustle up some wisdom...
I think that all women need to really consider what they're missing when they do place and when they do parent and decide which means more.
For example, social workers, ect, give these "assignments" to see what you can do for a child and what someone else could do if you place (I think these are a bunch of BS by the way), but I think something about what are you going to miss if you place and what are you going to miss if you parent would be a better way to go about the decision making process.

When I was a teenager, giving up all the smiles, first steps, first words, sleepless nights, and diapers was put in contrast to giving up college, financial stability, and most likely a better paying job at a younger age.

At that time in my life, I'd rather have given up my dreams of college and financial stability for parenting.

At this point in my life, I chose college and financial stability.

So... do I make ANY sense? LOL.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

You do make sense!!

BUT there is a third option of doing both!

So-- you take a lower paying job when you are younger and qualify for programs to help you. Go to college on grants and maybe even loans (as an independant you qualify for more-- but dont have to take them).. then when you are done and in the 'job world' you balance that out. If you go right after HS... or are pregnant in College... then your child is still going to be pretty young once you get through it all.

I guess the question I pose there.. is must you give up anything... really? Even without support from parents? I know the college Im trying to transfer to even has dorms for moms with children under 3!

Is it more an issue of laying all these details out in front of you and rather than saying "What do you want to give up?" say "Are you willing to do what it takes?"

[michellemartin]

For me, yes, I think I did have to give up something (unless I would have stayed living in my dad's house)... and here's my reasoning...

When I did move out, (summer before college) I actually DID start to go to college. I lasted three weeks and I couldnt do it. I was working, going to class from work. Other days I was working, going to class, and going back to work. I had two jobs because with only one job I wouldnt have been able to pay for day care, diapers, and food (though most of my food did come for free since I worked in two restaurants). After only three weeks of doing both, I couldnt take it anymore. I could barely stand, let alone get through an entire class where I needed to think about anything. My homework wasnt getting done.

So in the end, I dropped out of college. I planned then to go back once Karma was in regular school (since school costs in one year what day care does in a week). Instead, I found out I was pregnant before she started kindergarden.

So... Anyway...

I do think that there are people who can make it without giving up either. It might be tough, it might not, but I wasnt one of those people who could have done both.

(interesting thread! Be back later )

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I see your point! Totally!

Do you think that 'We' made it harder for ourselves than it had to be, by trying to do it all ourselves?

I think if I had taken help back then, I wouldnt be just going back to school right now (27). Instead my pride was bigger -- I had to do it all myself.

Im also a control freak. Older and a bit wiser now -- the case workers are there to help not judge. I, at least, have never met anyone who wanted to be a social worker in order to feel superior!! I was SO afraid of being judged back then....

[Southernroots]

I was away over the weekend, but, I will respond now. My three children are 5 years apart - I was nearly 17 when I gave birth to my first, 22 for the second and 27 for the third. The child I relinquished was my middle son.

So I first began parenting at almost 17. My husband was nearly 5 years older and I imagine that helped though he did little of the parenting, but he did support us so that I did not have to work. Plus, in the beginning, both sets of parents helped us some financially while we were both finishing school.

When I think back about it, I think part of the reason that I was able to successfully parent my daughter was that I just happened to have good natural motherly instincts. Some women have those, some don't - at any age. Plus, whenever I undertake any new task, parenting, a new job, etc. I read and educate myself so that I will be able to do whatever it is well. I didn't grow up with any lofty career ambitions and many women in my generation didn't - being a mom was what I wanted and expected to do. I also attribute part of my success due to my being very motivated and committed to being a good mom. While I know love and motivation aren't everything it takes to be a good mom, I believe we do not give those two factors the credit that they deserve.

I wanted to be a mom - even at 17 - and there is something to be said for that feeling of being invincible and able to do anything that many teens have. Did I know what I was getting myself into? Not really, but, I threw my heart, soul and mind into parenting and no one could have talked me out of it.

Was I a better mom to my last and youngest child? Probably. Not only was I older and had more experience and maturity, but, I knew he would most likely be my last child (and he was). Birth order always makes a difference in one's mothering though and many other factors I believe.

But, both of the children I raised are productive, stable, emotionally healthy adults. I honestly do not think my daughter suffered much, if any, because I was such a young mother. Was I atypical? Maybe, maybe not. I know some women can successfully be young moms - others may not be good moms at any age. There are so many factors involved - for me really being motivated to parent well I think was the biggest factor - and having some good common sense didn't hurt either! While both sets of parents helped us some financially, I did not look to them for advice on parenting - I felt confident that I could handle it.

Don't think it was necessarily much easier to parent when I was older, but, I probably was more relaxed and mature - those factors couldn't have hurted.

I guess the question I pose there.. is must you give up anything... really? Even without support from parents

I firmly believe that if anyone REALLY wants to achieve almost anything that they can - children or not. Is it harder to finish college, etc. with children? Sure it is, but, is life supposed to be easy? Does easy teach you much? I think we learn from from pushing our limits and not always taking the easy path.

I was too stubborn and prideful when I relinquished my first son to even ask for help. Now, I know that there is nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it. Better to ask for help than lose your child because of your pride. I know some women ask for help and can not find it too though.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I also attribute part of my success due to my being very motivated and committed to being a good mom. While I know love and motivation aren't everything it takes to be a good mom, I believe we do not give those two factors the credit that they deserve.

So TRUE! Motivation goes a long way, in my book. If a person simply does not want to parent... then that may not be an option for them!

Do you think that age attributed most to you being relaxed and mature about it... or experience?

I've noticed that age isnt necessarily the key... Many older moms are just as clueless with the first one as I was at 18!

Is parenting something the gets better with experience or age?

Interesting thought.

[Southernroots]

Is parenting something the gets better with experience or age?

I think both or either really. I think you're making a good point though, it probably is more experience than necessarily age.

Wisdom sometimes comes with age - sometimes not. But, I think it is more likely than experience will help more than age. Confidence in your own abilities comes with age and/or experience too.

I see some of the adoptive moms here on these forums struggling with their parenting issues - and I know that many are older. Yet especially for first times parents, learning to parent is still a process and sometimes very scary - no matter how old you are.