[Montraviatommyg]

This is something I can never understand about my parents as they had myself and my older sister so they do know what it is like to have children. How they could expect me to relinquish my son, get on with my life and forget him is beyond me yet they did. If I'd had daughters and one ended up in the same position I would have let her make up her own mind although I would be honest of the issues of relinquishing if she chose that.

Pip

[FauxClaud]

My mom made me hide from the neighbors and my own family and that was in 1987!!
Some things just don't change.

BUT, I do know..if she was still alive..she'd be saying that she was wrong.
As far as my own kids..NEVER will anyone lose a child again on my watch!!

[Southernroots]

All they have to do is ask themselves... could I have given up my child and gone on with my life?

The deal is many people think it is different for women in unplanned pregnancies. They feel that because we may not be ready to be a mom, it makes it okay to give our babies to someone who is. Maybe that somehow we are consoled knowing our children are going to a "better" family - more worthy (snicker, snicker). People overrate the satisfaction believing our children will have a perfect life with another family may provide us.

Most adoptive moms know how much they begin loving a baby they have had for just days - and how hard losing that child would be. So I can't understand why they think it would be different for any mom to lose a child, birth mom or otherwise. Not all adoptive moms of course, I know some "get it", but it seems as though many don't. Otherwise, how could they possibly encourage a young woman to relinquish? Unless they know that she'd be a horrible mom.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Absolutely! It isnt hard to say.. hmm.... how would I feel if I didnt have my child?... If they need to imagine the extenuating circumstances... what about... would I be able to part with my child if I lose my job/house/SO...etc.... KWIM? Not a stretch.

[michellemartin]

I'd never hide Karma if she were pg. Just to think of hiding her is hilarious! Toss a sheet over her head as she walks to and from the car to the house... LOL. I think hiding her would probably draw more attention than not hiding her.

My dad was very embarrased about me being pg. He didnt want me to go to family functions. Then later decided I should go but not tell them I was pregnant (Thanksgiving). Then Christmas he wanted me to tell them. But then my cousin announced her pregnancy, so I said nothing. I was never close with that side of my family. My mom hid it from her mom for quite awhile. But my grandma lives out of state.

Once I actually had Karma, none of my family tried to hide her from anyone else. BUT Karma's dad's mom hid Karma from her mom for almost a year. She didnt want her mom to know that her son had a child out of wedlock at only 16 years of age himself! LOL. Once Karma's greatgrandma found out about her, all she could think about was how horrible it was that we werent going to baptize her!

(okay, I know this is a serious situation, but how do you hide someone now days?!? Especially from the neighbors!)

And, yes Christine, I think me being the adult in the relationship (at least with my mom) really changed how life was for me in my teenage years. I missed a ton of things in my teenage years when I was trying to keep my sister safe, but at the same time, I did many things I shouldnt because there wasn't a parent around to say anthing about it (smoking marijuana and skipping school mainly). The only stability I had back then was the stability I was able to create for myself.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

They still send them off to maternity homes.

Seriously.

[Southernroots]

Funny thing about all that hiding. Many people found out later everyone REALLY knew anyway despite their best efforts.

Maternity homes in different states sometimes no less. Or out of state to go take care of a sick aunt for awhile.

Maternity homes - grrrr - some in our government think we need more of them.

[michellemartin]

Some in our government are ignorant.... I cant finish that sentence or I'd get banned .

[Southernroots]

Ah yes, I do agree with you on that and I think I could even guess the word you most likely have in mind.

[eskietwo]

when i look back, i don't know how i did it. i was 15 with my first birth, he was adopted. at 18 i had my doughter that i kept because i couldn't go through the adoption thing again. it was very dificult because i could not find a job that paid more than minimum wage. i had to rent a very run down house. i could not afford disosable diapers so my mother-in-law to be helped me make some cloth diapers. food for my self and partner came last. there were several months that we had to worry about having our power shut off. my partner was not much suport financially. he would find temporary jobs when he could.
i htought that i needed to finish high school to find a better job but that was even very dificult. vocational rehab helped with my schooling but i had to pay a sitter because my partner would not watch our daughter while i was at school or work. after 1 year in school i quit because it was just too hard. i at 20 pregnant with my son.
our car was a 1966 toyota that should not have been on the road. my partner made me walk to school and work so he could have the car (if it had gass in it) to get him to work and if he was not working he would go to his friends house. i still don't know why i stayed with him, possibly the fear of being alone and having no where to turn for help, afraid to go home to mom.
we llived off minimum wage for several years till he finally got a better paying job. now i'm back in school at age 40 and ready to graduate with a college degree, and things are not as bad. we bought an older home in good condition, a newer car, and our bills are paid. the kids are grown up and doing quite well. they are both diong better than i, at there age, and i'm very happy about that. i would not wish the things i went through on anybody, not even an enemy.
if i knew then half of what i know now, i would have done things a lot diferent.
i think that no matter what age you have children, education is the most important thing.

[happygmom]

IMO a lot depends on how much grandparents are willing to help. My husband and I are helping our daughter with her 9-month old son, so she does not have to worry about food, shelter, and paying for college. She pays for her son's food, clothing, medical, her own clothes, etc.. No help from the father at this time.

I guess she is luckier than most. I simply do not understand why parents cut their pregnant kids off from college, often condemning them and their grandchildren to poverty.

Her struggles??

During pregnanacy - will I be a good Mom?, never having another relationship, never riding horses again (this came on a high hormone day). She now knows that these fears were not real - a great Mom, has a nice boyfriend who loves her son, and just got a p-time job as an exercise rider.

Since birth - staying motivated to finish college now that the time line is dragged out. But for the most part she is really happy in spite of being sleep deprived (baby needs less sleep than we do). It is a busy, full house but life continues harmoniously. Her "crisis pregnancy" was not such a crisis after we got over the shock and sat down and made a parenting plan with her.

Happy G'Ma

[sltgjt]

I am 24 and had my daughter a month before I turned 22. Neither her dad or me had our drivers license. We lived in a one bedroom apt. on a side of a house in the ghetto. I wasn't working, I had just went to dog grooming school with my mom so we could open our own business. It was a stuggle. Gracie's dad had another son in Ohio who had just turned 5 and who he hadn't seen since he was almost 3. We had no money and basically were stupid when it came to getting visitation. Shawn's mom had fun using him as control which made even talking to him hard they always had their phone turned off. We stuggled and worked our butts off and got our license and I figured out how we could get visitation. The people that lived in the house moved out so we moved from the apt. to the house. So we still live in the ghetto, butsomeday we dream of a house out in the country. My mom had a great dog grooming business, but turns out we hated it. We always loved dogs and we started to hate them after a while so she sold the business and I am now in college. While doing all of this we got vistation of Shawn and custody about 3 months after the vistaion. His mom had seriously abused and negleted him. We couldn't believe the horrors. We thought now we can give the life he deserves. He gained 30lbs in less than a year. He had problems though. He called me mom right off the bat and started calling his mom by her first name which we thought was weird. Shawn just wasn't happy no matter what. Gracie was just a little angel and was so loving. She was so happy and smart I couldn't believe they were siblings. Shawn's dad and I tried we could him into football which we hope he could get some of his aggression out, but he just stood there and let even the smallest guy tackle him. Out of football he was fighting and beating kids up all the time. We tried cubscouts, but that didn't work. I am sure some of have read some of the problems we are having with him now. He goes to school everyday and lies about us and because he is so charming they believe him even though they know he lies. I have had to take Gracie and leave twice. He has tried to pioson Gracie twice and his couselier says he had a hard life so he didn't mean it. We are trying to put him into foster care now until we can figure out what we are going to do. We can't afford attachment therapy. We are lucky to afford are monthly bills. He was diagnosed with RAD, but nobody around here seems to know anything about it including the DR that daignosed him. They think we are abusing him. It seems that his dad and me are always going through something all we want is to be happy. I guess it is to much to ask for when you are young. We have been together for 6 years and we are always stuggling, but we are still so in love and what keeps going is knowing that someday we will have that house in the country. Do things get easier as you get older or are we doomed to always stuggle with something? Sorry so lonhg I had a lot to write about I tried to cut it as short as possible.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

There is a lot of information about RAD on the special need's board.

Do you think that the issues that you are describing can be attributed to being young? If you were a couple years older, do you think that for some reason you would be more prepared for the situation? It sounds more like the issue is that you have inheritted an abused child, rather than being a young parent....

You really should go talk to the gals over on the special needs forum, they will have a lot of information for you.

Hope it gets better.