[taramayrn]

So interesting to read...thanks for sharing everyone. Wish I could contribute here...

[FauxClaud]

I have had my children ove a 15 year span...so I fit most of the age catagories at one point or another!!

With my lost son...I really would not have had to struggle if I had tried to keep him. Reality was that his father was/is very well off and I could have been very comfortable on child support alone. It just took me ten years to fiqure that one out!! so it was too late. Why no one older and wiser ( like my own mother!!) told me that I should have him be responsible for his child...ah, one of the greatest unanswered questions of my life.

Now my second son..I was just 23 and was considered "young" as a mom. His father and I struggled...we had this little teeny tiny backwards house..that was a converted drafty stable. Rent was 200 a month and it had no heat except for a wood stove, but we had free wood. I stayed at home and he worked two jobs. Then daddy couldn't handle it and I was left alone.I went at that point in a panic to social services but the blue book value of my 5 year old car was 300$ above my resource allotment, so I was out of luck. So I got a job that I could work late afternoons to ten pm. The little man went to a home day care that he loved and his father picked him up and did dinner and bed at my home..then I came home and he left.

The best thing I have done as a single mom was get into housing situations with other single moms. Once I rented a great huge house with another mom and her daughter..another time I had another mom friend and her daugter share living expenses with me at my house after I bought it. In between that I had a cute tiny country apartment that fit my needs and was cheap.

I have never had big issues about not knowing how to deal with kids or Mom in general. My baby brother was born when I was 12, so lots of ands on..I always baby sat and all, I was a nursery school teacher for years...so I am not one of the sort of neurotic mom types. My kids eat food off the floor, get dirty, touch worms, etc.

I find that the biggest misconception was how much things change. Like they do, but it's more of an evaloution..more gradual. Like I find that my kids have needs and so do I, and there is a balance between them..sometimes they come first, sometimes they don't. And everybody deals.

Stuggling was more of an inconvience...having to go to the laundrymat once a week instead of just thowing the laundry in. But I made it as fun as possible and we did what we had to do.

And even now..I have no trouble telling my 14 year old that he is crazy sometimes and I don't have the cash for the ski club. And that if he wants someting bad enough, then he is going to have to work for it. I don't think that not being able to afford everything makes his childhood lacking at all. I think it gives him real life coping skills and the ability not to be a super brat. He actually probably had MORE as the only child of a stuggling single waitress mom than my other two litle ones..because I HATE having to take both of them shopping. They make me crazy. Hence not alot of impluse buys. Plus I did more with him, we went out alot, I had more friends being younger and single..now it is a stuggle to say lets all go to the county fair, as I have three kids that ALL want overpriced stuff..so we do cheaper family outings like fishing. Plus I am more content to just stay home ( and be here..lol) now, plus the house with this many people in it..always needs something!

I don't think that I ever really doubted my ability to parent with any of my kept kids. I just rolled with it. I was probably more nervous wth the birth of my daughter, 9 years ofer son #2. And the main concern with that was ..OMG I will have to have those huge ugly baby things and TOYS all over the house again!!! I am still fighting the toy and mess wars..and losing.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

OMG-- I have to say that I agree on moving in with other mom's as roomies! It makes it so much easier.. and you can help each other out w/babysitting so that you can each have a little bit of a life. My High School best friend and I shared a few times (she had her daughter our Junior Year of HS).

I think it is easier to have another mom roommate also, because she will "get it".


I think you touched on something that I was looking for, too . When you cant afford much, even the smallest thing makes them light up! They appreciate things. I know my friend's sons over Christmas were HORRIBLE... tons and tons of stuff and they were just total brats who expected it all(and got mad at what they DIDNT get!)!! It really was appalling.
But, when you start out a bit humbly you learn that appreciation for things.. because you know that it isnt something that is just required to be there.

Right now, if I were to have a baby, I think I may be more enticed to give in to the gadgets and glitsy things... simply because I can. But looking at it with a level head... I dont think I would like that message. I actually sometimes wonder if I were to start all over right now... would I even be a good mom? Im a bit more selfish.

It is that whole seeing it through tainted eye's thing. Ive had a taste of what the 'world' has to offer.... whereas, then.. she was the world....

Ramble...ramble....

[kllee4]

OK, I'll jump in here!

I was 18, 21, 23 and 24 when I had my boys. The most traumatic situation (in the beginning) was with my first son. I guess you could say I had had a perfect childhood until that point (huge home, my own car at 16, private schools, being able to afford college, etc.) but I went off to college pregnant and I almost believed that it wasn't true (how did that happen? ).

Well, while in my first semester of college, I decided to go and get an abortion. I had a friend whose boyfriend was MUCH older than us and she told me that she had had several and that he would loan me the money. Well, I went and I laid on that table and the doctor placed my hands on my belly to feel the baby and told me that she couldn't do it because he was too big! I must've still been in shock because there was no way I wanted to let my parents down but what was I to do. Needless to say, I went into labor in my dorm room and delivered about an hour later (and he was 4 months premature). I was embarrassed and horrified and the sickly thing in the incubator whose cry couldn't even be heard. My father told me I had to leave and I had to make it on my own.

What no one told me is that I could've stayed in school WITH housing and WITH a job in their work/study program. I could've gotten on WIC. But I was made to feel worthless and low. I bounced around from friend's home to friend's home with an infant that wasn't as healthy. I was young and naive and finally had a friend's mom get me a really good job and help me get my own apartment. I was prepared to be the best mom I could be because he deserved it and my life revolved around him. I met my husband when he was 16 months old and we had three more boys together.

Somewhow, adoption never came up, but I do know that being AA, in the black community near Washington, DC, I knew lots of girls that had babies really young, and adoption is not something that happens a lot. Most of the time, a family member will step in and raise the baby until the person gets on their feet or the end up raising the child permanently. And, in some cases, it was almost a badge of honor to have "so and so's" baby. Most of their mothers had had them young and they knew about all the benefits. I guess I was raised in this bubble, shielded, almost protected.

It was hard being a really young parent. The world was no longer this perfect place. My dreams weren't important anymore, but finding a way to feed my baby became paramount. In looking back, I made mistakes with him. Mistakes that I didn't make with his younger brothers. I wished there had've been a mentor or "grandmother" who could'v been there. I did find my way and my life today is wonderful. I realize that it could've been otherwise, but I see young mothers today who struggle and try to give them wisdom, gently, so as not to make them defensive. I am greatful for the lessons I have learned and my sons know how it was then.

[michellemartin]

Hehe, I agree with that statement Christine! Karma WAS my ENTIRE world, too! I didnt spend a moment without her unless I was working (and sometimes when I was sleeping I'd get to sleep alone ).

Now, I know what's "out there" and all the things I want to do for myself. I would say that I am also more selfish now, especially since I'm a "part time" mom. Her dad takes her three days a week and is planning to switch that to alternate weekends so I can actually go out every once in a while without begging Josh to stay home!

[numbr1dbcksfan]

kllee4-- I love your post!

Isn't it weird how everyone thinks you can have all the promise in the world... until the mold is broken?!?!

I wonder WHAT drives our population to be that way? I cant imagine the mindset that it would take to turn out your own children and grandchildren simply because their path waivered a bit from the pre-drawn course.

I suppose we all miss things in the emotion of it all... PANIC is a big one... and it is hard to put the rational perspective on it all when it is one thing after another. Isn't it? And then to have the people you count on most turn on you...

If you cant count on the people you should be able to... then how can you have the confidence to seek out strangers for help?

Turning on our pregnant women is equal to turning on the future of our country.... in my eyes. The children shouldn't have to be ashamed of their beginnings-- how do you look that child in the eye later and say oh I love you now, but no way was I going to help you as a baby!

[numbr1dbcksfan]

Michelle-- do you think that is because we were the "adult" in our parental relationships?

I really didnt start doing 'fun' things until 22.... maybe when we were younger, we were still in that mindset.

I know that now, I am way more open to life outside of the bubble.

[kllee4]

Christine,

I guess in my situation, my parents had this ideal family in their heads and couldn't believe I would stoop so low (as if I got pregnant on purpose to spite them!). The irony is that my sister ended up repeating history and had my nephew but she was able to stay home, finish a degree, by a house, a car and live her life, all while my parents practically raised my nephew. I guess one could say that they learned their lesson. I disagree. It's funny, but I continued to show up to family functions (they were horrified) not because I wanted to embarrass them (although that's what happened) but because I genuinely wanted them to approve of the type of mother I became. I wanted so badly for them to accept me but now that my son is 16, they are now seeing the fruits of MY labor and not theirs (while my nephew is so messed up, I hurt for the boy, seriously). My sister never truly became a mother and my nephew longs for her approval everyday and she doesn't know how to give it.

My sons are seen as the shining stars now and my parents brag about their grandsons, even though they live around the corner and barely see them). It make me smile to see my dad give my son advice on driving, girls, school work, etc. He just smiles politely and thanks him for the advice, then hugs me later telling me what wonderful parents he has. I have come to terms with my parents dysfunction, as it has to be incredibly hard to live with the guilt of what they did. We are not really close but I play the part of the dutiful daughter beautifully, knowing that they deserve all the grace that I can muster. They are certainly victims of trying to live up to some ideal of what society should be, instead of recognizing that sometimes life's struggles can involve strange ironies that can result in happy endings and wonderful lessons learned.

[FauxClaud]

They are certainly victims of trying to live up to some ideal of what society should be, instead of recognizing that sometimes life's struggles can involve strange ironies that can result in happy endings and wonderful lessons learned.

Oh, so perfect and sooo true!!!

I laugh at the people who have this grand plan of the way "life should be". I use to envy them, but not anymore. I mean it's great to have goals and ideas, but everything can change so quickly and on circumstances often beyond our control or just a matter of luck. Who can see what the future really holds?
I'd rather take what life has to offer me, find my joy where it is at the moment, and see what tomorrow brings. It's not a dress rehersal, but there is no script either. And often, like Hollywood, the finished product and awards are only at the end of the project.
I never would have thought or planned to be where I am now, who I am now...but I am pretty sure that I am who I am suppose to be.

[Southernroots]

Turning on our pregnant women is equal to turning on the future of our country.... in my eyes.

I honestly think the way we treat women in adoption - all members of the triad is disgraceful. Women here may be able to vote and not have to be veiled, etc. , but they are still treated very poorly.

Since children are our future, we should treat pregnant women with respect and dignity - and we don't.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

So I guess.... or I HOPE that none of us would ever kick out our pregnant daughters!

Why is it still happening? It isnt disgraceful anymore.... so why are people still doing it?

[Southernroots]

It is a moot point for me now; my daughter already is the mother of three, but, had she ever become pregnant before she was married, throwing her out would never have been an option. I would have raised her child myself too rather than forcing her to relinquish a child to adoption.

Why does it still happen? Ignorance, intolerance, lack of compassion, stupid, mean-spirited people. False pride, worrying about the neighbors' opinions - that still is sometimes a factor, though much less so than in the past.

I cannot fathom any reasonable person throwing out a pregnant daughter. But, neither can I imagine forcing a child to relinquish either, except in very extreme situations.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I cant imagine worrying about the 'neighbor's ' opinion more than my daughter?!?! But I think that is accurate. *sigh*

[Southernroots]

The other factor involved here is that the average person with no ties to adoption hasn't a clue as to the true affects of it for most people. So many still think that it IS something that their daughter could forget about and go on with her life as though nothing had ever happened. And the average person hasn't a clue either how adoption affects an adopted person.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

AAhh... but they DO have ties with having children. All they have to do is ask themselves... could I have given up my child and gone on with my life?