[lola0609]

Hi...I'm 26 years old and 31 weeks pregnant. I'm feeling really overwhelmed right now. First of all, I didn't find out that I was even pregnant until I was about 23 weeks (I got my period for the first 4 mos.) I am still in college, due to graduate in December 2005. The father is not around- has since moved back to Ireland and I have no way of contacting him. I have been talking to a adoption counselor for the past 6-7weeks and am about to decide on adoptive parents for this child.

The reason that I am thinking of adoption is because I am completely alone...my parents are deceased, my siblings live in other states and have their own children, and the father is not here. I know that I will not be able to finish school for at least a couple semesters if not ever. I grew up in a poor household with my parents struggling and not spending that much time with us because they had to work so much to make ends meet. I always promised myself that I would never do that to a child- have children that I could not take care of financially and emotionally.

What I am scared about is the hospital and delivery. I am scared about what it's going to be like after I hold this baby. Right now it almost doesn't feel real, but I know that will definately be as real as it gets. Will I regret this? I am so ashamed and disappointed in myself and I don't think that a child should suffer because I was irresponsible. Will I ever be able to be happy again or will I go through the rest of my life depressed because I couldn't raise my child myself? I know that I COULD do it but not the way that it should be - with 2 parents and all its needs met- emotional, financial, physical. Someone please let me know if they have ever been through this, what it was like at the hospital. Thanks

[sneezyone]

Ya know, I have to tell ya. It sounds like what you really want is to keep this baby. If you think you're going to have significant regrets, you probably will and you probably shouldn't pursue adoption. If you find out later that you can't manage or don't want to parent, you can always pursue adoption later. Potential afamilies will take older children, no problem. Would it be a lot of work and expense, heck yes, but it can be done. A friend of mine had a baby during her sophomore year and still graduated on time.

I'd talk to the financial aid staff at your college. They may be able to find emergency financial aid for you to allow you to parent while still in school. If you're attending a four year college (and even some two year schools) many have on-site child care and low,subsidized rates for students. My university also had fully-furnished family housing for students.

If you need to take a semester off and stay with a family member to get these things set up, is that really so bad? It's a temporary thing and once you graduate, you'll likely be able to find employment that would support you both financially.

I'm an amom and yes, there are lots of loving families that could take good care of your child. But I'd hate to see you engage a potential afamily when it doesn't sound like you're convinced it's the right way for you to go.

Anyway, you'll find lots of support here whatever you decide. Best of luck...

[lola0609]

No, what I do want is to have children some day...not now, not like this. I have checked all of my options but my school isn't able to help with any sort of financial aid, it's non-residential and they also don't have child care. I also know that I couldn't live with any of my siblings. Thank you, I understand what you're saying but I know that this is just not the right time. I'm scared about after the delivery- I'm not a heartless person.

[ljohnson55]

Lola:

Your post doesn't come across as heartless at all...on the contrary, you sound very focused on what's best for you and for your child.

I'm an amom, but I wanted to chime in that the best families aren't always the ones with two parents, a hefty bank account and access to private schools. There are plenty of single parents doing an incredible job of raising children alone...tough though that road must be.

I wanted to wish you the best. You're making a huge decision and I know for myself that my son's birthmom's decision not to parent him took immeasurable courage. That said, if you think you may want to parent, PLEASE explore all options before relinquishing.

Best,
L

[sneezyone]

In that case, Lola - sounds like you've thought it through. Some folks come to the boards having not taken the steps you have so it never hurts to offer some basic suggestions. I'm sure you'll find a wonderful family who will offer you the support and encouragement you want or need before, during and after the birth.

BTW - I certainly don't think your heartless! It takes lots of heart and courage whether you parent or place.

[scarlet52698]

You certainly are NOT heartless! You are getting ready to make a decision that will affect the rest of your life and your childs.

As to your question as to what it's like. This is what it was like for me.

I was in labor for 12 hours and when my son was born the first thing I heard the Dr. say was "Boy you look like your momma". The first feeling I felt was overwhelming awe and joy. I just wanted to know that he was o.k. and healthy.

Holding him for the first time was completely surreal. I wanted to call everyone I knew to tell them the good news. That he had been born healthy and was beautiful. I didn't have any family or friends with me. Just the maternity home and hospital staff. As soon as it hit me that I was COMPLETELY alone.........everything just went dark.

I was taken to the courthouse the next day to sign papers. I spent time with him in the morning taking lots of pictures and holding him.

Walking out of that room was the hardest thing I've EVER done. I touched his little hands and told him I loved him. Knowing that I would never see him again was devestating. I took his crib blanket and name tag with me.

The weeks after that were pretty much a blur. I reminded myself daily that I had made the right decision for him. And I'm at peace with it now (18 years later).

The part of me that hurts over not parenting my son would tell you that I wish I had never done it. But the part of me that can look at the situtation for what it was at the time........me 16, no support, etc. knows I made the right choice for my child.

Wishing you all the best!

[FauxClaud]

Maybe it's not how you had it planned...but life doesn't go according to our plans.....you ever hear the addage that when we plan, God laughs?

I can imagine that you are still in quite a bit of shock...not even getting the nine months of full pregnancy to be aware of the changes in your life. No matter what you do, it will change. Whether you parent you child or not, you will be a mother, and you will feel like a mother..

I placed my son also because I needed to finish school, etc..all the right reasons. Knowing now, that I could have done it, but choose not too.....I have many many mixed and conflicting emotions on it, but overwhelminly..if I could go back and do it again, I would keep my son in a heartbeat. It's very hard to imagine looking into an adults eyes and say....well I needed to finish school and all...that's why I gave you away..yeah, I could have done it,but it was not the way I wanted it to be, it's not as it should have been...
We make obsticals for ourselves, unwritten laws and rules of life for us to follow....things must be like this, I will never do that, a promise based on a child's expereince, on a child's emotions....
Wait..let yourself experience thoses precious moments of motherhood unemcumbered without all the rules and 'can'ts" flying though your head....you might find that you are willing to do the impossible, break all the rules, based on the incredible love and need you feel for your babe. And that's a good thing...children like to be told that we moved heaven and earth for them..that they are worth it.

[Isabo]

Hi Lola,

I am a mother who relinquished her child to adoption 25 years ago. I also could have parented but didn't due to family pressure, shame, etc. It was the worst mistake of my life, and I have never recovered from the loss of my son. To make things worse, my son did not have the proverbial happy life promised in adoption. In fact, he was raised by a poor family and had none of the things I could have given him if I had kept him. There are no guarantees that your child will do better without you. You have so much to offer this child; please do not sell yourself short.

I am also concerned about the father of your child. He has rights to this child. I know you are having difficulty reaching him and say you have no way to contact him. Have you tried contacting the Irish consulate and requesting help in locating him? It sounds like he did not know you were pregnant when he left. I think you need to make every effort to find him before his parental rights are involuntarily terminated. If the adoption agency is not counseling you along these lines, then they are wrong and unethical in my opinion. Please remember that it is in their financial interests for you to place this child for adoption, and they are probably not too interested in finding the father of this child. You are not alone in this pregnancy. This is his child too.

What steps have you taken to locate him? Maybe we could all brainstorm and help you figure out a way to find him. Was he a college student? How long was he in the U.S. Was he here on a visa or was he here just as a tourist? Do you know what town he came from?

I truly hope we can help you and support you, no matter what you ultimately decide to do.

[SchmennaLeigh]

They say that the adoption decision has to take place twice. Once prior to birth so that adoption can be researched, discussed and a plan can be formed, but again after birth, because, yes, the presence of the child changes everything. To answer you question, "will you be able to do it," if you're asking others the question, which we cannot answer for you, I sincerely urge you to look again at your reasoning for placement and reevaluate your priorities. Financial hardship is temporary and with no support from family, you are elligibile for so many state funded programs that you probably don't even know about.

Best of luck.

[Volfe]

you should decide the moment after the birth.
and redecide before you sign your rights away.

Are you angry at your childhood?
Do you not love your parents?

The money argument seems somewhat pointless in this case...as Jenna said, it is temporary.

Riches do not bring happiness. I know many richer than I who are less happy.
And STuff.... who dies with stuff? We die and will be surrounded by those who love us.

Maia

[dl]

scarlet52698 ~

The part of me that hurts over not parenting my son would tell you that I wish I had never done it. But the part of me that can look at the situation for what it was at the time........me 16, no support, etc. knows I made the right choice for my child.

This struck me as such a very realistic and honest point of view. Thank you!! Hindsight may be 20/20 and our perspective may change as we become older and independent, but choices had to be made based on the reality we were living in at the time, not on what we think might have been or could have been.

lola0609 ~ Hope you find the answers you are seeking that support and help you with your decision. I'm not a bmother, I was adopted and had a good life with loving parents. However, my step-daughter relinquished a child and at her request I was at the hospital with her during labor and delivery. The paparents were there also. My focus was to be there for my step-daughter and she has often said how helpful and comforting it was for her to not be alone. I would suggest that you have someone close to you, be with you at the hospital, to support and comfort you ~ or just be there to listen.

Take care ~ (((HUGS)))

[donnaparadise]

Dear Lola

I'm sorry you are feeling overwhelmed right now and I'm sure that reading some of the responses are not helping.

I must say I really admire you! You sound like an intelligent young woman and have done your research and have thought this all through and now you have reached a decision and I applaud you for all of that.

I am a bmom, who relinquished a very long time ago. I did what I thought would be best for my daughter as well as for myself and I was in a similar situation as you are at this time. I wasn't in school but I had to quit work as I couldn't work and be pregnant in those days. I did not have a lot of schooling and went back to school several years later, though.

The father was not around either. I did not tell my parents, because they would not have approved and there was no way I would get help anyway. I had 2 friends who knew and one who helped me a bit. However, in the long run, I too, was completely alone.

You stated in your first post that you were scared about the hospital and delivery so I am going to speak to you of this. Your doctor should be able to prepare you for the practical aspects of the process. I'm not sure what you are afraid of as far as the hospital is concerned, but these days they are very well equipped to handle things as they come and most times mothers are helped along as much as possible as far as pain is concerned.

There are pre-natal classes in most communities, through your social worker, or even through the hospital that you could sign up for and learn about breathing through the contractions and how to focus and take charge of them.

As I mentioned, I gave birth almost 40 years ago and things were pretty archaic then but there were a few things I did instinctively that are now part of the normal birthing process.

When hit with a contraction, I did a lot of deep breathing and blowing out and believe it or not, I fell asleep in between them near the end, because I spent many hours with 2 minute contractions because the staff did not realize I was giving birth in a breech position and my daughter and I were stuck.

I finally had to have a cesearean section and was of course, put out for that. Thank God! It wasn't THAT archaic! lol

The nurses kept wanting me to lie on my back, however it was more comfortable to be on my side, so that is where I would go as soon as they left the room. Nurses are not quite so adamant now and you can walk, stand, kneel, bend over, do what you want to relieve the contractions, which don't last too long, usually.

This is not a horror story, Lola. Every woman's experience is different but we survive it. It can be easy. It can be difficult. However, if you do what you already have done and do your homework, be prepared, go to some birthing classes, you ought to be alright.

Another thing, if you don't mind. I have never, ever met a mother who could actually remember the pain they went through. They might remember they had it but it is not like joy. When one thinks of something joyful, you can get all flushed and happy and re-experience it. Not so with pain. The body has a way of forgetting pain and it cannot be conjured up again and re-experienced. It can be remembered, but not re-experienced.

Even though my experience might seem to not be a 'walk in the park' in the re-telling or the reading of it - it wasn't that bad. I followed my instincts, breathed heavy breaths, lay on my side to get through the hard bits and got through it. You will too. We all have.

If you are prepared for what might come, and learn some techniques, you will feel more in control and more in charge and it will be easier on you. You can also visit the hospital and talk to some of the nurses on the delivery ward. They will fill you in on details and some hospitals will even give you a walk through, if you ask for it. Possibly your doctor or social worker can help you with those things.

Aftwards when you hold the baby, you will wonder how it was possible that such a sweet beautiful thing actually came out of you, likely. I know I took all her clothes off and counted her fingers and toes. I didn't know it then, but that is pretty normal behaviour for new mothers.

I left the hospital and cried that night and for a few days after and felt badly. There is something missing for a time. You will feed sad - make no mistake about it. However, in time, the sadness is not so extreme and you can survive with it and have a good life.

I'm glad you are starting to pick out parents for your baby. That is a good thing because being involved in that process will again, give you some connection, help you feel you are in charge of you and your baby's destiny.

At every birthday or holiday or when I met someone who was about her age, I thought of my daughter. I wondered about her and you likely will too. However, that does not mean you will necessarily spend your whole life grieving and wishing you had not relinquished.

If you are wise and think this thing through and don't try to blame others for your decision, you can find an inner acceptance that you have done the best you could at this time for both of you. I know I have.

My daughter contacted me recently through a 3rd party and even though she wants no contact with me or reunion, I am at peace. I am content. It does not serve me to go back to the past and spend time on 'what might have been'. I did the best I could for myself and for her.

I have no regrets, Lola. None at all. There are days that I wonder what it would have been like to parent but then I go back to where I was and what situation I was in and know in my heart and with every fibre of my being that no matter how it turned out, I did what I thought was right at the time and I still think is right now. No regrets at all.

I too carried a lot of shame with me for a very long time. The shame was about my behaviour that caused me to be so irresponsible as to get pregnant to begin with. But that is something I have had to forgive myself for as well. It happened. There is nothing to do about it and it was what it was. The best way I have of compensating was to have become a more responsible person and live my life the best way I could and flourish, in spite of my failings.

You will be happy again, if you choose to be. Of course, you could also choose to never let go of what happened, live in the past, live in regret, tell yourself you are a bad person and then you will sentence yourself to a lifetime of regret, recriminations and looking for someone or something to blame. Your thoughts are the one thing you can choose and you can choose to be happy, regardless of what is going on.

However, if you do as you are doing - think it all through, participate in choosing the aparents, get prepared for the hospital and delivery and decide that you have done the best you can and are making the best decision you can for your unborn child and don't let anyone's story tell you different, then you can and will be happy again. I guarantee it.

I am not depressed because I couldn't raise my child. I have accepted that. I just couldn't. And if the truth be known, frankly I didn't want to deal with what would have to be dealt with in order to do it. I did not think bringing my daughter into the environment I was living in and possibly being the target for toxic comments from my mother or even going hungry and not having the best she deserved, was more painful to bear than the short term sorrow and grief. I preferred to think of her well-being rather than soothe the hurt I felt for myself short term.

I hope I haven't added to your stress around all of this, Lola. I'm glad you are talking things out and participating in the selection of the aparents.

You seem like a very mature young woman who has thought this all through and since you asked if others had experience, I've tried to share mine with you.

However, these are my experiences. My thought processes. My decisions. I've lived a good life with many challenges along the way. Nobody's life is perfect. However, I never intentionally hurt anyone and have lived my life the best way I know how.

I have worked hard and long to put the past where it belongs, in the past. For now, I try to live one day at a time, the best I know how and let the future take care of itself.

I want to send you warm hugs and tell you it will be alright. You'll get through this and do what you need to do to get through the day, just like the rest of us.

I wish you all the best in this painful part of your life journey and hope you will keep coming back to let us all know how you are doing. I know I care and would like to help as much as I can.

If what I have said upsets you or offends you, I apologize in advance. My intent is to do no harm and really do want to help you with the next steps facing you.

many hugs
Donna

[donnaparadise]

I would like to clarify what I meant by my first sentence to you above about some of the responses not helping your feelings of being overwhelmed. What I meant was that there were so many conflicting points of view that it must be difficult to sort through it all.

I never intended to put down anyone's point of view or opinion at any time and apoligize if my comments offended anyone.

cheers,
Donna

[lola0609]

Thank you so much, Donna. I guess that you are right, I can choose to be happy, rather than regret. I do feel that I am doing the right thing but I guess I'm scared.

I'm in nursing school and, ironically, was in my maternity/labor and delivery semester while I was 1 through 3 months pregnant but didn't know it! I assisted in labor and delivery of births and spent some time in postpartum, caring for moms and newborns. So I'm not so much scared about that aspect of it (well a little bit, to be honest) but more so just the emotional part.

I feel like my life has been such a struggle so far that knowing I won't expose my child to any more of that or that type of life, is helping me with my decision. I am planning on meeting with the adoptive parents that I have chosen next week (well I'll decide after I meet them though if they are the right ones), and was also going to make a scrapbook for the baby about me, my life, and why I have chosen this. I hope that will help the baby feel better about having been adopted and to know that I am making this decision for him/or her, rather than myself.

Again, thank you for your honestly. Lola

[donnaparadise]

Bless you, Lola. Of course you are scared. That is to be expected. However, I'm so encouraged that you are taking care of yourself and doing all the right things for you.

I think the idea of a scrapbook is wonderful! Something for the baby to have of his/her own.

Good luck with your meeting next week and please, keep us posted.

My thoughts are with you and I send you warm hugs,
Donna