[BlueJeanBaby]

This is a really hard question to ask. But I need to ask it because I'm totally worrying.

I just got some paperwork in the mail from the adoption agancy I believe I want to go through to put my baby up for adoption when I have him, but while I was filling out all the stuff about the medical history of myself and my family I got really worried. Alcholism runs in my family as well as manic depression (I also have a extremely minor case of Cerbral Palsy). Is that going to affect the adoption process at all? Or is the baby going to be found high risk or something and unfit to be adopted. Im really freaking here.

[Tigger27]

Well, Im no expert here so I can't give you any professional words of comfort or what not. Hopefully someone else will be able to give you more info than I can.

What I can say is that from what I know of with what I went through with placing my two daughters for adoption and such, there are many adoptive parents out there who will love and accept any child. There are adoptive parents who adopt Down syndrome children, cerebral palsy children, all sorts of children with health problems. I know of a birthmother who placed through the same agency as me and her child had cancer when she was born and so they had an open adoption because they dont know how long the child will live or how the child's health will be.

So, in my opinion and from what I've heard and know from going through placing my two daughters and dealing with my agency for the past 2 years or so, I'm pretty sure that the alcoholism, manic depression, minor case of cerebral palsy is not going to have much of an affect on the adoption process. I'm also pretty sure that your baby will not be found high risk or unfit to be adopted.

Depression, though its not manic depression also runs in my family somewhat, but it made no difference to the adoption process or either of my daughters adoptive parents. Im pretty sure that you will be fine and that there is an adoptive couple out there who will love your child unconditionally with the same love as you have for your child and will have no problem adopting and raising your child whether there is the health factors of alcoholism, manic depression and minor cerebral palsy or not.

I can understand your worry and freaking out, but I'm pretty sure that everything will be fine. I don't think your child will be named unfit to adopt because of those health issues.

I hope what I said helps you in some way.

*Hugs*

Anne

[Montraviatommyg]

I'm going to back up what Anne has put as some one else who had a child adopted. It is nothing to be ashamed of to be honest - I don't think it will affect how anybody will feel about adopting your baby. If my husband I were adopting we would like to know about relevent medical history simply to prepare ourselves for the future. In no way would it affect our choice to adopt as each child is special no matter whether that child has an obvious medical condition or one that will appear in the future.

When my son was adopted my mum made no secret of the fact that she had chronic asthma which may have caused concern over him being adopted but it didn't.

Try not to worry.

Philippa

[sara_dippity]

There will be a loving family for your baby. My ex husband had schizophrenia, and it showed when he filled out the forms. I was really worried with some of the off the wall things he said. However, I ended up with my pick of several families that believed that love and a stable household could overcome genetic tendancies. And that's true, a lot of the reason he was as bad as he was is due to the experiences he had. My daughter went to a wonderful household that was aware of his problems, and they are prepared to help her professionally and with love in the home to overcome anything she might have problems with.

[SchmennaLeigh]

BlueJeanBaby,

If an adoptive family won't take a child because alcoholism and manic depression run in your family (but you are not currently abusing alcohol -- that's the important part), then they are not the right match for your child. It's plain and simple. Many couples view the medical history as something to combat future problems with and not something for which to pick and choose a child who could be "genetically perfect!" I believe we all have some medical "junk" that runs through our family. I have diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease and kidney problems that run through mine. No biggie.

Again, if someone says to you, "Well, we're not sure we want to adopt your child because Grandpa X was an alcoholic." Say, "Fine. Have a nice day," and move on.

[Joyful Momma]

WOW There is an awesome site I found not long ago...its called "CHASK" which stands for Christian Homes for Special Kids. I know my hubby and I have considered adopting special needs (Downs probably) kids. This website was referred to us, and it specifically lists waiting families who desire or feel called to adopt kids with special needs. I found quite a bit of encouraging info on this. It isn't a commercial site, so I think its ok to post the URL: [EDITED]

I agree with what everyone else has said about if the a-parents are comfortable loving your child regardless of what may pop up, then they aren't the right home. Genetics is a very small part of mental illness, according to most experts. Be honest, and don't be afraid.

[Edited To Remove the URL to an agency website.]

[Leigh131313]

As an adoptive mom, I have had those same feelings (but on the other end) I guess it's just natural to feel self conscious when dealing with such person details.

As the previous posters said, there will be a family out there that will love you and your baby unconditionally. Any family that is not prepared for that, is not the right one. Keep looking until you find the right one.

I wish you well.

Leigh

[Joyful Momma]

Sorry about my earlier post. I didn't realize that the CHASK website was an agency... I pretty much just read the stuff about "special kids" etc. I know that we were referred because of their sister group NATHAAN, which is a homeschooling network of parents of special kids. It was a link of of that. I don't want to give the impression that I advocate for the agency portion- I actually don't know squat-diddly about it. I just liked the pages that encouraged people to adopt special kids, instead of skipping on to "perfectly normal" (as if anyone fits that description LOL) kids.

Sorry again!

[Janet Heath]

Blue,

Is there anyway possible you can keep the baby? Is adoption your only option? This baby is your own flesh and blood. Your baby needs you. The mother that your baby is given to cannot replace you. Can you please reconsider? Please check into all of your options. There is help out there so that you can keep your baby and both of you have a good life.



Janet

[kitkat582497]

Originally Posted by Janet Heath

Blue,

Is there anyway possible you can keep the baby? Is adoption your only option? This baby is your own flesh and blood. Your baby needs you. The mother that your baby is given to cannot replace you. Can you please reconsider? Please check into all of your options. There is help out there so that you can keep your baby and both of you have a good life.



Janet

YOu know something I rember you know you had me crying for days...... EDITED TO REMOVE PERSONAL ATTACK ON FORUM MEMBER WE all know whats out there to "HELP" us but some of want to be HOME with our children or go back to school and maybe we think they need a FUL time mom and not a part time mom...

OT...

There are couples out there that don't care wants worng with a child they just want to give the child all the LOVE in the world... I have a couple tell me the reson the were not haveing a nother child is becouse they didn't want to bring a child with helth problems into the world... Well they're not my childs family... Her Bf and I have DL and a HOLE list of learning problems and ALLL kinds of other things worng with the famliy... WE went with our hearts... DON'T let anyone try to tell you what to do... And try to rember that this is just a forum and people don't think about the roll coster ride you emotons are taking IF You need to talk you can PM me...

[numbr1dbcksfan]

YOu know something I rember you know you had me crying for days......edited.... WE all know whats out there to "HELP" us but some of want to be HOME with our children or go back to school and maybe we think they need a FUL time mom and not a part time mom...

Actually... there have been many many many circumstances where women DO NOT know that there is help out there for them. And having been there... most here DO KNOW the roller coaster of emotions. I think it is always smart to make sure that an expecting mother is truly aware that she CAN parent, has HELP to parent, and is GOOD ENOUGH to parent if she wants to before seriously talking about creating an adoption plan.

AND if you do create a plan, please know that it is OK to throw that plan right out the window if you change your mind when you have your baby.
----------------

To answer the question, though..

I dont think CP is genecially passed down. If you have not exposed your child to alcohol it shouldnt be an issue. And mental illness in your family doesnt mean that you or your child is mentally ill. You should be completely honest on your forms, should you decide to make a plan, as you want to make the best possible match for your child.

----
That being said, i concur that if at all possible that best possible match is YOU! Only you know if that is possible though.

[Janet Heath]

Numbr1,

Thank you so much for your post.


Janet

[Montraviatommyg]

Originally Posted by numbr1dbcksfan

Actually... there have been many many many circumstances where women DO NOT know that there is help out there for them. And having been there... most here DO KNOW the roller coaster of emotions. I think it is always smart to make sure that an expecting mother is truly aware that she CAN parent, has HELP to parent, and is GOOD ENOUGH to parent if she wants to before seriously talking about creating an adoption plan.

AND if you do create a plan, please know that it is OK to throw that plan right out the window if you change your mind when you have your baby.
----------------

To answer the question, though..

I dont think CP is genecially passed down. If you have not exposed your child to alcohol it shouldnt be an issue. And mental illness in your family doesnt mean that you or your child is mentally ill. You should be completely honest on your forms, should you decide to make a plan, as you want to make the best possible match for your child.

----
That being said, i concur that if at all possible that best possible match is YOU! Only you know if that is possible though.

Major ((((((HUGS)))))) for posting that as I was one of those mothers who would rather have kept their babies. I was in an emotional and financial state to do so but had no support at all from any one at all and my parents applied so much pressure that I eventually caved in. If I had the strength and courage to stand up to them I would have found out where I could get help but my self esteem/confidence had taken a battering. I am one of the lucky ones though that I DO have a good reunion with my son so good eventually came out of it.

Janet, (((((hugs)))) to you as well as I do know your post was well meaning having followed your story.

Kitkat, I mean this in the nicest possible way if you don't know Janet's story please check it out then maybe you'll understand her a bit better.

Blue, despite having bad memories of being pressured into having my son adopted the best advice I can give is you must do the best you can for your baby and yourself. Every case is different and choosing is a hard thing to do but if you feel that it is the right to do then make sure you're given the best advice and support.

Pip

[Janet Heath]

Pip,

Thank you so much. I am speaking from the heart as an adoptee.


Janet

[Joyful Momma]

But to throw this in, the point being made here (since I too was offended by Janet's post until i researched her profile, etc) is that it might be wise to explain your position, and understand that for every adoptee that regrets being given up, there is another one that is very happy and grateful for the opportunity for the life they were given.

I have several friends from school, and current friends and family who are proud adoptees. (My kids were adopted after an abusive birthmom, so their situation is very different).

If you know that you are going to be living hand to mouth, dependent on the govt (which can change provisions in a heartbeat- you don't have the RIGHT to govt assistance, it is merely a current benefit), or on charity, it might be the best decision to give your baby a chance with a family that can easily provide for every need, and most wants. IMO an open adoption is the best of both worlds- continued contact with the birth mom, and the baby has safety and good opportunities that may not have been available for just the b-mom.

Truthfully, every adoptee that I have met says that how they were raised to think about their adoption experience and b-mom determines how well adjusted they are today. The ones that are grieving or angry may have not had parents truly prepared to adopt, or who were selfish in not wanting to share their child's heart with a non-seen b-mom. The ones who aren't probably had open, honest parents who shared what a sacrifice the b-mom made just to give birth, and how much she loved the baby to give him to someone who wanted him so badly, and who could give them so much.

Adoption isn't for everyone. Neither is parenthood. Take a look at the majority of the troubled kids in public schools today. Go to a major city website (or No Kids Left Behind) and see how many kids are on the free lunch program (have you ever eaten that nasty school food?). Do those kids have the emotional, financial, or physical preparedness or support to be happy or well adjusted? Having worked in a lower income elementary school, I can tell you NO! these kids come to school stressed and hungry, wearing ragged clothes, angry at having to be poor in a society that values monetary assets. Is that the life you want to wish on your child? To be called "welfare baby"? or to have other kids make jokes about your momma waitin til the 3rd for her "govenmt check"? How about hearing "who's yo daddy?" from kids who really mean it? How loving and kind are you going to feel after a long day in the heat working your rump off for minimum wage because you couldn't finish college when your child comes rompin in wanting to do something? Are you prepared to tutor him in math or to pay someone to do it? Will you be able to be cheerful and loving when dealing with the problems this child may face, as you watch friends who made other choices out having fun?

You're right- there are resources out there for those in need. It is an option. However, many expectant moms choose another option, and no matter which choice you make, you'll eventually feel the consequences.

Not to sound harsh, but if you want white picket fences and chirping birds and beautiful flowers kind of life, then wait until you're in a stable, committed relationship where both parties desire the responsibilities AND joys of parenting.

A good friend said it like this: "It's easy for me as a b-mom to say 'I would have done this' or 'I would have been fine' now, since my child has been raised by someone else. Hindsight and criticism of others is easy. I do have regrets, about missing my child. But what if I had kept her? Would she be having regrets? Would she have ever made it to college or would she have ended up 16 and pregnant like me? Or on drugs or drinking because she hated her life, poor and fatherless. Better me have regrets for my mistake (of not use protection/birth control) rather than us both having regrets forever"

Everyone here has their right to their own opinion. I just don't like seeing someone come in here asking a very well thought out, sensitive question about technical procedures of adoption to only be blown away by someone's apparently bitter words about their own bad experience or resentment, without any explanation. Trying to persuade someone into not placing their child isn't kind. Present your side, and let the person judge that experience. GUILT TRIPS are WRONG!!!

Out of curiousity, Janet, would you advise a schizophrenic b-mom to keep her child, if she got on here saying she wanted to know if someone would adopt him/her? Because kids of schizophrenics (and I can give you the data from NAMI and other reputable organizations) have it rough a lot of the time. tending to a mentally ill parent, espcially if that parent is a single parent, forces the child to be the adult. How is that fair to the child? To deal with mood swings, unsafe behavior, and out of control rages, medicine changes, refusal to take meds, etc? Is it fair for a child to have to wonder if the power will be cut off again and again? To know their only real meal is at school?

Their are 2 sides to everything. Blue Jean Baby, there are tons of people who would love to love your baby regardless of how it looks or smells or acts. Do what your heart leads you on that. don't be afraid to be honest with the a-parents if you choose that route. Better to decide to parent before you place than after, when the a-parents have already bonded.

But let's please remember, it isn't kind to jump into every forum and GUILT TRIP potential parents into avoiding adoption. Let everyone share their OPINION and the potential parents evaluate that as such.

Sorry for the long post, but good grief. Had this thread been started as "what services are out there to help me parent my child?" it would be different, but Blue Jean Baby, I apologize if you feel bad because of anything that anyone here said. You do what's right for you and many prayers for you.

And to note- I am the proud adoptive momma of a schizophrenic child born to a schizophrenic b-mom who was removed from her care too late. the doctors said had he not lived with her, he might not have developed it, but due to the abuse level that she inflicted due to her illness, he struggles to want to live today.

ADOPTION IS A WONDERFUL, LOVING CHOICE!