[ajhendrix]

I just wanted to tell my story and I hope it helps someone out there. When I was 16 I was sexually assaulted and it resulted in a pregnancy. My parents refused to even discuss it and off to the clinic I went. When I was 21 I discovered I was pregnant once again and this time it was as much my doing as his. I'm 21 and going to school, I can't have a baby, is all I thought. There was no choice for me, so off to the clinic I went again. at 28 I married the most wonderful man. Kind, compassionate, laid back, would do anything for me. So here we are married, time to get pregnant. 3 years no pregnancy. 2 IUI's and 1 IVF later thankfully a pregnancy. Oops spoke to soon, lost the baby. Another IVF cycle and still no pregnancy. I know it is not my fault I can't get pregnant, but in the back of my mind I always think, if I would have carried the babies to term and gave them a good home through adoption maybe I would be able to have a baby myself. I also think that maybe I deserve this, but my husband doesn't. I mean ladies, I get an hour backrub a night and he does the dishes if I cook. Can't get more perfect than that. We are now looking into adoption for us, but that feeling of guilt will always be with me. It may be a hard thing to do, but it is even harder to live with. Not immediately, but in the future, you will always ask What If. I hope this helps someone.

[Jackiejdajda]

ajhendrix

Thank you for sharing your experience..

What you are going through must be very difficult.


Jackie

[huntersmom03]

Thank you for sharing your feelings and experiences. Your story may help others. Best of luck with your journey to adopt.

[ajhendrix]

It is very difficult, but I will not care a bit once my babies are forever home. We are excited. Thank you for your kind words.
ajhendrix

[maryjanek]

ajhendrix --

I relinquished my son for adoption and when I got married, years later, I had infertility problems, too. I also felt like I was being punished. I did what I thought was right at the time I got pregnant, just like you did, but the guilt was still there. If I'd had an abortion I'd probably feel the same guilt, and if I had raised him alone, in poverty, I'd probably have the guilt too.

I think at some point we just have to forgive ourselves.

[Lauren41303]

I am sorry to hear your experience with infertility.

I must say though, as a natural mom who lost a son to adoption, and as someone who has had an abortion, the pain of losing my son is a million times greater. At least with the abortion I had closure, finality. With adoption, I am left a walking-dead. A hole in my heart, a piece missing from my soul. Hanging in pergatory, waiting for my son to grow up and (hopefully) be reunited with his natural family. The pain (IMHO) does not compare.

I just hope any woman faced with an "unplanned pregnancy" will look deep within her heart and do what her heart tells her is best--whatever that choice may be.

[AnGeL_UK]

thats why i ahd an abortion... I was in no postion to have a baby but knew if i had a baby and gave it away for adoption id never ever ever be able to get on with my life.

ajhendrix you have my deepes sympathies for what you are going through but i dont think things like that should be psoted - its as tho you are trying to scare people from decidign to do whats best for them!

[LoveRiddenDad]

Hi AJ,

I found your post interesting. I was curious though... Let's say some higher power (whatever you believe in) finds abortion wrong. What if, by allowing you to share the adoption experience with a first mom (a position you might have been in yourself), you were being given a child in a way that would allow you to HEAL from your past, rather than just conceiving and "burying the skeletons," so to speak? It just crossed my mind; that's all.

[dl]

thats why i ahd an abortion... I was in no postion to have a baby but knew if i had a baby and gave it away for adoption id never ever ever be able to get on with my life.
ajhendrix you have my deepes sympathies for what you are going through but i dont think things like that should be psoted - its as tho you are trying to scare people from decidign to do whats best for them!

AnGeL_UK ~ how is ajhendrix posting her feelings and experience about abortion any different than your posting your feelings about adoption? ~ "if i had a baby and gave it away for adoption id never ever ever be able to get on with my life." Are YOU, "trying to scare people from deciding to do what's best for them" ?
IMO, one of the benefits of a forum such as this, is that it allows people to read about different personal experiences. Perhaps they will see themselves in one post or another and gain some insight. I personally believe that when making an important decision it's best to consider the many different possibilities and the positives and negatives of each.

[Byngee12]

"IMHO (and I know it matters little to those here), I think PAPs who are on the UNPLANNED PREGNANCY boards are in the wrong place. It would be like me (a natural mom, parenting one and lost one) going to the infertility board and talking about how much labor hurts and how hard it is to raise a child."


Wow...so much emotion and in your first post too! I posted to point out that the original poster has experienced UNPLANNED PREGNANCY and came here to share and gain support for her related issues and besides, the boards don't appear to be segregated. I am a reunited B-mom and IMO if the woman who is parenting my daughter seeks to educate herself about all aspects of adoption this is exactly where she needs to be. I wouldn't care if she were fertile, infertile, overly fertile or a card carrying virgin I say learn Baby learn.
I personally have never aborted or experienced secondary infertility but I've gained a wealth of knowlege reading the stories of women that have. Maybe its YOU who needs to go to the other parts of the boards so that you can come to terms with you own adoption saga instead of lashing out and spewing negativity here. Tara

[renee221]

I am fairly new to this site. I used to browse a lot when searching for my birth mother (I have since found her) but never posted. As someone who is adopted, a natural mother of 2 children, and a Crisis Pregnancy Center director, the Abortion Alternatives thread is very appealing. Now this is not meant to offend anyone, but there is something I would like to point out. In reading some of the above comments I notice that a common theme is "I" or "me." Yes in a crisis pregnancy it is natural to think about what is best for yourself. However; when I read the comments about abortion being a better option than adoption due to the pain, I can't help but think it is incredibly selfish. Not everyone becomes pregnant by their own free will, but those who do should stop thinking about themselves so much, and take responsibility for their actions by thinking about their unborn child. When faced with the choice of abortion or adoption I commend those who chose the ladder. It is the most unselfish loving gift a mother can give her child- life. I am sorry for those of you who feel that giving your children up for adoption is/ was a mistake, and I am sorry you are suffering. What you did was truly loving, and I can only hope one day your birth child finds you and thanks you. Like I did with my birth mother. You might be filled with regret, and there might be a lot of pain, but chances are your child is happy. So take "I" out of your thoughts and that pain might lessen. An abortion might provide "closure," but I guarantee if you cannot parent, the better choice is adoption. Your child deserves to be born. They deserve a chance to live life: the best gift of all.

[sukare]

I have a very different story from others I've read. I had a hysterectomy at age 20 due to ovarian cancer. I found myself at age 38 broke, single and desparately wanting a child. After much praying, I received a message to start talking about this and that a child would find her way to me. At the same time, I started a "two year plan" to save funds and time off work to be able to afford a child.

About two months after this, a friend I had just met recently called to tell me she had just met a 19 yr old woman who was 4 months pregnant and looking for someone to adopt the baby. I met her and she chose me. Just like that.

Now, you might imagine that life could be a "little" rough for a broke 39 yr old with an infant and a fulltime job. And you would be right. There are many times I don't literally don't know how I kept us both fed, healthy and a roof over our heads. Literally. The extent of the exhaustion is so hard to imagine that I can hardly do it and I lived through it.

When my daughter was five months old, a woman at work one day said "oh, that's how old my son was when I became pregnant with my daughter". I had such an immediate and sudden stroke of knowledge right then: I KNEW that if I had accidentally become pregnant, I would NOT have survived working full time, caring for an infant AND the physcial requirements of supporting a growing fetus. There would be one decision that I could make in that circumstance, that would enable me to continue raising my daughter. And that would be abortion.

One other thing: my daughter's birth mother had three abortions before she chose to give birth to my daughter. And she's had at least two more children since then. I rejoice that she chose to care for my daughter before birth and chose to give her life. I know that she was proud of her decision to give birth and give her to me to parent. She felt like she had contributed something wonderful to the world, to give me the opportunity to become a parent. She also decided to make herself ready to parent a child if she had another unplanned pregnancy. And she has done so.

Different choices at different times. That's my story. My daughter is now 12. She says that in a strange way she's glad I could not give birth myself since perhaps I could have, I would not have become her mom and she can't imagine anybody else being her mom. Yes, she knows she has a birth mom who she will meet when she turns 18 (her birth mom's choice).

[DeNaJa]

My daughter's birth mom is the "Poster Child" for the abortion movement. She was raped, VERY young, the abortion clinic doctor told her she would die if she didn't consent to the 2nd trimester abortion, they also told her something was wrong with the baby...it was bi-racial and "no one will want a bi-racial rapist's baby". Add that to her lack of education (Jr. High), her poverty (she was too young to get a job...so she had no money) etc... She was under intense pressure to abort...and nearly did twice. However, this young lady found the strength and courage...the selflessness to think of her baby. She acted as a mother. Mother's put their children first. She has our greatest respect. A dear friend of mine aborted and lives with constant regret. I am surrounded by women who aborted and now suffer from fertility problems, sterility, and frequent miscarriage. The reasons for this are obvious if you examine what occurs to the woman's body during an abortion...the stretching an weakening of the cervix, the scarring, the damage to the fallopian tubes, the problems from bone fragments left in the uterus, PID, and other female problems. My friend was just married and is terrified that she will not be able to have children. She has had to undergo much treatment since her abortion. The clinic that aborted her didn't tell her till AFTER the abortion that she was Rh neg...and they knew she didn't have the money for the shot. The clinic that was going to abort my daughter never told her birth mom that her rapist had given her an STD that, if introduced into the womb and if left untreated would make her sterile. They NEVER told this CHILD that she would be abortion the ONLY child she ever would be able to concieve. It is disgusting. Some women who abort do not suffer with infertility...but MANY do. It is a disservice to women to act as if abortion is a harmless, safe procedure. It is ANY thing but!

[maryjanek]

I'm a birthmother who would never think to tell someone else they should or shouldn't abort, become a single parent, or place a child for adoption. What I would say is, whatever decision you make you will live with for the rest of your life.

It's true there are abortion clinics that deserve the name "mills," but there are also prenatal clinics in the same category -- like the one I was sent to as a young unwed mother. Unfortunately, the medical care available to those without money or health insurance is often substandard, and in some cases causes irreparable harm to patients of all kinds.

Each woman has to make these difficult choices for herself, without being pressured by anyone else. DeNaJa, your child's birthmother suffered so much, and I too deplore the lies and coercion she experienced. I'm glad she made her own choice, the one she believed was right for her.

[DeNaJa]

Thank you...so am I and so is she and now her family...the ones who were pressuring her to abort to begin with. All have expressed extreme relief that the baby was born and not aborted. If she had gone through with the abortion, my daughter would be dead (and we would have a HUGE hole in our family and our hearts) and this young lady would not have the joy of watching her daughter growing up and living a happy life. I love the pictures I took when at the hospital immediately after my daughter's birth. The parent who wanted the abortion is holding her 1st grandchild. The look on her face! The love! You can see it plain as day! What a complete transformation. I have video too and to hear her parched, emotion-filled voice tying to soothe the crying newborn is heart wrenching. The face of her birth mom, holding her baby with tears running down her cheeks, red eyes and a huge smile! It was an honor to have been present for it all and to have been a part of it. Abortion may seem like the answer...it did to the family of this girl. It did to the clinic who clearly had a financially vested interest, it did to many well meaning friends and adults. It even did on some level to this girl becuase it would all "go away" and "go back to normal" and her mom would not be mad at her anymore. But, thankfully she got educated about what abortion does to the unborn and the risks to her. She stood her ground and EVERY single person who wanted her to abort (who mattered...clinc staff doesn't count obviously)...family, friends, etc...they all were so relieved and all fell completely in love with this baby. They love her pictures, the videos we send, all the updates on her progress, that she has a loving family who ADORES her and loves her birth mom. I hate to think what might have happened if she buckled under the pressure that so many pregnant women are under to abort. Be it pressure from parents, friends, spouse, boyfriend, counselor, abortion clinic staff and doctor etc... I hear over and over that women feel they had no choice but to abort. That is not "pro-choice" to make women feel they have to abort...no matter how dire the situation may seem. It just breaks my heart. I think supporting a woman's right to an abortion is a little like supporting a woman's right to smoke...both are legal and both have the potential to be very harmful...especially in the long term. I hope you don't think I am pointing this towards you specifically. I am speaking in generalities from my own experiences and from stories I have heard over the years from many women. Take care!