[MaY03_JuNe04MoM]

Well here is my situation I am 23 years old and a mother to a beautiful baby 10 month old. I gave birth to my daughter last year in May. Her father and I have since broken up and things for us have been rocky. He is not a father like I thought he would be. Which suprises me because OUR daughter was baby #3 for him. I hurt everyday for her, not because I miss him, but because I feel bad for my daughter because she wont have a daddy to do all the things me and my daddy did together.

Well another reason why I hurt is because right before we broke up I got pregnant and didn't find out until Decemeber. And we have since been talking trying to get along and work things out but I know that he is not in it 100%. I am hurting because I would love to have this child but I am having a hard enough time with my one. I am due June 13th. I am soo scared and alone. He doenst want me to give this child up for adoption but I dont see anyother choice.

I work full time 6-6 then I have school from 6-9.

What are some of the steps that I need to take to get this adoption process started? Who can give me words of encouragement? Can someone out there 'talk' to me and just help me cope...Thanks

[mlbsands]

I am sorry that things are not going as well as you hoped. Have you been able to join a local support group or get some kind of counseling? I think that would help you a lot and also help you to figure out if adoption is the right thing for you.

Also. if you do decide adoption is what you want, there are a few ways to go about this.. You can work to find an adoptive family on your own (on sites where adoptive parents post profiles or news paper ads etc). I would be happy to give you some specific sites if you like.

You can also contact some local adoption agencies or facilitators in your area.. they will help you to find counseling as well as adotive families.

Also.. what state do you live in? Maybe we can point you in the right direction for counseling and local support group.

mandy

[tobeafamily]

I'd highly recommend you get in touch with Brenda Romanchik at Open Adoption Insight (enter the name in any search engine, it'll get you to their website). Brenda's an adoption educator and birthmom. She does not do adoption placements, only unbiased education.

If you don't want to speak with her, my next advice would be to find an attorney with experience in domestic adoption. The American Academy of Adoption Attorneys keeps it's member list online - again, search it. Talk to at least three attorneys who are local. None generally will charge you a fee. What they will do though is help you understand your rights and responsibilities in an adoption plan. They may also be able to connect you with potential adoptive couples and/or agencies they work with.

Above all, do not tolerate anyone who counsels you one way or another or makes you feel pressure. This is your child and your plan, which you are free to change up until the time you voluntarily terminate your parental rights. Anyone who tells you what you 'should' or 'should not' do does not truly have your interest at heart. That's why I recommend speaking with Brenda.

HTH, best of luck,

Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

[MNelson]

Originally posted by MaY03_JuNe04MoM
I hurt everyday for her, not because I miss him, but because I feel bad for my daughter because she wont have a daddy to do all the things me and my daddy did together.

I ditto everything Regina said, but just want to add that someday your little girl will have a daddy to do all those things that you and your daddy did together. Have faith that you will find your life partner who will bring all that to you and your child(ren). Paternity does not make a dad, and thankfully you don't only get one shot at that in life.

[KellyStacy]

I feel for your situation.It sounds like you already have your days full.You both will have to come to some agreement.If you sign adoption papers by him being the biological father and not signing over his rights there will be a problem.Are you sure adoption is what you really want? I am sure there are plenty of agencies that would be willing to help you if adoption is your choice.I am sure an agency can give you the best advice as to exactly what to do.Please think long and hard this is something you will have to live with the rest of your life.Only you in your heart will the know the right choice .Please just be careful before signing over your rights see what rights the biological father might have.I hope everything works out for you and your little one.Adoption can be the right choice for some people.I know firsthand the other side of adoption there are so many couples like myself who would love to adopt and open their hearts and homes to an adoptive child.Adoption can be the answer to your situation,but make sure its just a choice you will not regret.Please take care and try and talk to someone.God Bless

[georgiagirl]

Regina made excellent suggestions. Please contact Brenda Bromanchik and find an attorney experienced in adoption.

Coley, one of the forum directors has a site called birthmombuds that may be very helpful to you. Coley is a birthmom herself. She is a friend who has been there.

Your schedule sounds overwhelming. If you can't find someone to talk with, it is sometimes helpful to write out your feelings. Sometimes it helps one to think more clearly. You can also post here. Please know that people are concerned about you and that you are not alone. Please keep us updated.

[michelleb]

I agree with Georgiagirl...
This is a GREAT place to get support and feel supported.
I have heard a lot of good things about BirthmomBuds and I have chatted with Coley, too - she is WONDERFUL!
I hope you will feel comfortable to share here - there are a lot of WONDERFUL people who would be glad to lend an ear!

God BLess and keep us updated!
Michelle in PA

[Aneni]

Dear May03,

I add this to the helpful info others have already offered:

With a full-time job and school, it seems you are working really hard to make a good life for yourself and your child. Kudos to you!

Before contacting anyone "official" (e.g. agency, attorney, facilitator) about exploring adoption, I recommend creating a list of qualifications they must meet for you. Some examples include:

• Do you provide pre- and post-adoption counseling for the expectant mom? [If no, then move on to someone else, even if you don't think you need counseling.]
• If the adoptive parents don't follow through on their agreement with me about post-placement contact, what SPECIFICALLY will you do to help me?
• Do you have birthmothers I can talk to about their experience with you? [Get their contact info and call them before proceeding further with the entity you're considering.]

A little reality checking about your babies' dad. He is the father of three other children in addition to your own. He may be astoundingly charming, but his track record reveals that he is not really thinking about the best interests of you (or his former girlfriends) and his children. Unless he makes an extraordinarily good income, he will not have enough resources to help support all of his children financially. This means the burden will fall primarily on you, regardless of how *emotionally* supportive he may be in the future to you and his kids. I raise this issue - not in the context of adoption or no adoption - but in the context of future choices you will face about birth control and/or your selection of a romantic partner. You deserve a great partner (yes, you do!) - one who works *with* you toward a common goal - not one who will drag you down.

In the context of adoption: A large percentage of women who place an infant for adoption become pregnant again within two years after placement. Already-existing lifestyles probably contribute to this, but another factor may be the conscious or subconscious desire to "replace" the child they placed for adoption. This is another factor to consider for yourself as you think about adoption or parenting: "If I do choose adoption, what is my plan to prevent another pregnancy before I am ready"? You are working too hard for a better future to become derailed again.

Take what you want - leave the rest.

Aneni

[michelleb]

I sent you a couple Private Messages....
check 'em....

[bromanchik]

MaY03_JuNe04MoM

Hi, I am Brenda Romanchik. The best way to get me is by e-mail. brenr@openadoptioninsight.org

I would be willing to answer any questions you might have. The most important thing right now is getting information on all your options.

[Robin33]

It sounds to me you really love your child that you are carrying and want to keep the child. Someday you will meet someone else who will love to have your child as their own.


Maybe you can check into some programs like food stamps and state aid to help you keep this child.

good luck to you.

[Robin33]

Oh theres also some programs that will help you pay for daycare or a babsitter. If I remember right it's called aspire.

I babysat for this lady who got aspire. Aspire paid me to babysit the womans child. so it was free to her.

[sweetlady]

Hi I just wanted to tell you good luck on what ever you do because there is a lot of women out here that can't have kids and if you do decide make sure your happy with the ones you choose for your child. I know I would do anything for one special child because I can ever have any I am 26 soon to be 27. so good luck and may god be with you

[niece]

I wish you the best in whatever choice you make. I know that there are a lot of options out there for you. Just know that there are a lot of people in this forum that will support you whatever choice that you make.
I know that right now it is hard and I know that you may think that there is no way for you to take care of another child but you are never given more than you can handle.

I hope that you make a decision that will be the best thing for everyone involved. Just know that there are people out here that will help you all we can.
I wish you the best and I hope that everything works out for the best.

Hoping for the best for you and your child

[MaY03_JuNe04MoM]

I do love this child and always will. I do however have too much on plate at the time. I have a 10 month old daughter and cant take on another one. I dont make enough to support myself and 2 kids. But I dont make less enough to get the state aid.