[aboybirthmother]

i am a birthmother, in desperate need of advice.
First of all, I haven't found a family for the baby I am carrying, and I am due in only 12 days so I can't even give you the name of just one emotion I'm feeling right now... Very Long Story. I am 21 years of age I have been married for three years we have one child born already which she will be three in November. My husband and I were split up for nearly 8 months when I concieved this baby which he is due Oct. 15 2003. When I found out I was pregnant my husband and I were not back together, and I was considering abortion. Two weeks later my husband and I were talking again and me knowing how he is against abortion influenced second thought in my mind. I want this baby I am carrying to have the best. Something that has been most difficult for me and also the reason that I have not found a family yet is: My Aunt and Uncle were origonally going to adopt the baby she was always told she would not be able to have children she was given one miracle child girl and wants another baby now. My mother this past year had been deeply into drugs. And only the Lord knows as well as her children what a good mother she is. I am the oldest of four children the youngest is 9. My mom got off drugs earlier this year and she then begged me to let her have the baby. I agreed believing that might be the only hope to keep her in the right line. My Aunt seeped through the cracks talking to my Mom before I could even make my final decision between them and she found out my consideration of my mom. My aunt then told me she wanted me out of her life for ever. After 6 months my mom is doing ok but she is single and not financially stable and still has my 2 sisters to raise and my 18yr old brother. When I knew my mother before the drug year she went through she was was very financially stable, she thought by now being almost the due date that she would have her life back together, but she does not. Will I regret not letting my mother take the baby just because of financial reasons. Is it possible someone would get right back into drugs after a year? I contacted an adoption agency for the first time yesterday they are sending me a packet of questions overnited. I don't know anything about them they ask so many important questions and I don't have much time to think them over, like closed or open adoption, or seeing the baby when its born or not seeing it or this or that and this and that. What are your comments thoughts suggestions , anything to my situation. This is the first time I have even tried to talk to anyone

[HappyTwinsMom]

You have a lot of things to consider in a very short period of time. I would suggest talking to a counselor as soon as possible. The adoption agency you contacted should have someone who can help, or should be able to refer you to someone.

Making a decision like this is not easy. You want your baby to have the best possible life, but you also want to make others happy (your mom, your aunt, etc.). Is there any possibility of raising the baby yourself with your husband? If you become sure of adoption being the way you want to go, there are options. You can choose the parents your child has, choose the amount of contact you will have with him and them over the years, and choose whether or not to see and hold your son when he is born. I would, however, strongly recommend spending time alone with your baby after his birth. Any adoptive parents you choose should understand your need to be with your child. If they don't, they're probably not the parents you want for him.

We have an open relationship with our daughters' birthmom and wouldn't trade that for anything. I know you probably want feedback from birthmoms, but as a mom on the "other side," I'd like to offer my support and encouragement.

Hugs!

[tobeafamily]

Hi,

First, I can understand how overwhelming things are right now. To answer your question: Yes, an addict can return to active drug use at any time, even if they've been off for a year. My husband is an addict, clean for 15 years now. He will tell you that even today it would be sooooo easy for him to slip back into addiction. Some days are better than others, but it will always be with him. That's why he will never say 'I WAS an addict', he'll say 'I AM an addict'.

Now to your situation. I'd highly recommend you get in touch with Brenda Romanchick with Open Adoption Insight www.openadoptioninsight.org. Brenda is a birth mother and is one of the most unbiased professionals I've encountered. I'd talk with at least three agencies to find one you are comfortable with and who does not 'push', harrass or aggressively push you in any direction. I'd also recommend you talk with an attorney in your area with adoption experience. They can help you understand your rights, obligations and options. You can find a listing of attorneys who are members of the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys at www.adoptionattorneys.com.

Best of luck,

Regina, AMom to Ryan Joshua Thomas

[aboybirthmother]

Thank you so much for the replies, they do help. This is the most difficult situation I have EVER been in. I know it will turn out for the best. It has to. Seriously, thank you very much, it is nice to hear from someone.

About drug addiction, I know your husband is right. When I was 8 my mother was an addict for 2 years. and then just clean for 13yrs. I pray for her every day that she is really done this time, not just clean for another ten years, but really done. She is such a wonderful person

and as far as could my husband and I raise the baby
I'm carrying a baby for someone else, they are out there somewhere we just haven't made contact yet. I have prayed and prayed about it.

[May4u2nvme]

I would like to start out by saying that you are a very strong and courageous person! Adoption is hard for everyone. If the roles were reversed, I would want a family member to raise my child if they could. I can imagine what you are going through. As far as a relapse in your Mom, I think the chances are always going to be there, the percentage will differ on what type of drug she was taking and the length of period she was on it. Yesterday in my psychology class we where discussing just that, and how drugs physically affect people and the chances for relapse. Our neighbor has been sober from alcohol for about 7 years now, he says that he will always be an alcoholic, that he may never drink again but that there is always a chance that he can relapse, he just has to take it one day at a time. But I think that you need to look at not only is your Mom, OK now but since her financial situation is bad, and then having a baby would add more stress to her life and heighten her chances of relapse. I am really sorry about your Aunt taking that decision. I would be heart broken specially if you had a good relationship before. There are so many families out there that are not able to have a child that would provide a stable loving home. You can choose the amount of contact you would like, and feel comfortable with. Maybe in your agreement you should start with letters and photos, and put in a few visits. If you don't feel comfortable when it's time to visit you can always decline doing it, but at least if and when you are ready you know that it is an option for you. I hope that something in here helped. You have a big decision to make, just remember that what ever you choose it will be the right one. Good luck, and I hope that you soon find your heart at ease with a comfortable choice. I will say a prayer for you and your family, that God help lead you in the right direction which ever it may be.

Sincerely, May

[lovestory]

The 15th seems so close! My neighbor is also due around that same time...she is already dialating.

My heart truly goes out to you at this time! I think it is wonderful that you have made this a matter of prayer. God will truly incompass you in His arms during this next while, as you focus and pray. He will lead and guide you, buoy you up. Take strength in His comfort.

You ARE in my thoughts and prayers...positive vibes going out to you and your family!

I, too, feel it is important for you to spend quality time with your son, when he is born...hold and cuddle him. No matter your final choices.

Our ason is the same age as your daughter. Such a cute age! Age 3. Starting to REALLY gain their own characters, opinions, likes & dislikes.

Hugs to you!
Stephanie

[sspete]

What heart goes out to you.....you are truly in a tough situation!!! I think you are a mighty strong and thoughtful young woman to consider adoption for your baby!!! You are right to be concerned about your mom.....it sounds as if she has her hands VERY full right now!!! Adoption is a great choice for someone in your situation.....I am also a bmom of 19 years. Even though my choice was never easy, I knew I did what was best for my daughter!!! If I had to do it all over again I would choose open adoption, this however was not an option for me in the early eighties. This way I would always know she was OKAY!!! Please consider also seeing your baby when she is born.....these moments can last forever in your heart!!!! My prayers will certainly be with you as you make these final decision.....In the short time you have with the questions weigh them all individually and answer with your heart and head!!!! Sending you MANY BLESSINGS.........

S Pete

[SoulWhisper]

domenica,

Do yourself and your baby a favor and relax. Take some time after you deliver to spend with your baby. Take the baby home, deliberate and measure your options then in the privacy of your home where no influences press you. Put a sign on the door if need be and just commune with yourself and your children.

If after you allow yourself time, you decide adoption is truly best, call an attorney who deals in private OPEN adoptions so you can interview potential parents, pick the ones you like best so you and your other child can enjoy an open ongoing relationship with your new baby. This will enable your mom to be part of things as well but not directly responsible. An addict can relapse after 10 years, one year is not a magic number.

Your mother, in my opinion is not the appropriate person with all her struggles, think of your child and children and yourself only! You and your two children will have to live with this for the rest of your lives, long after your mom is gone. Kids are forever and so is relinquishment. Family situations often get messy, so think it through, and go see a counselor to help you with this monumental decision. I believe you can find a free Pastor who is licensed to council in the yellow pages.

Take your time, there is no rush.

[Sharon]

I agree with SoulWhisper.
If you have not made your decision by now, twelve days is not enough time in which to make it. It is a life-altering decision, for you and for many others... the a-parents, the b-father, and both of your children. This decision rests entirely on you. Please take your time. Get some counseling, if there is any available.
Best wishes to you, ~ Sharon

[aboybirthmother]

thank you,
everyone.

[Pam Gentry]

I can't imagine what you are going thru right now. I can tell you that in this time of need, pray to you Heavenly Father for guidance. He will help you if you ask. I am going on 30 this month and was adopted when I was 3 weeks old. I am very thankful for the parents I have. They both love me very much and wanted the best for me. I assume my birthmother did also since she gave me life. I have a close friend who gave a baby up for adoption a few years ago. She chose to adopt to a non-family member. She figured it would be too hard if kept in the family. The family she gave her baby girl too is a good one. They send pictures often and she is happy her daughter is doing well.
I know you only want the best for you baby and I wish you the best of luck. Anytime you need to chat you can email me at gentrymr@aol.com.

[carriewoman]

Domenica,

Our prayers are with you. Our experience thus far is from the other side of the fence, but I know in our searches we have found a lot of people who are also looking to adopt in the church and by talking to our home study agent. Have you thought about talking to your Bishop or Pastor, or whatever your case may be about local families looking?
I agree with the other posts that this is not a decision that should be made in that short of an amount of time. Maybe if you could talk to a lawyer, a few agencies, and possibly some members in your church. You may here of a few possible adoptive parents that you could get some information on and take the time to figure out what choice is right for you and the baby. If you can keep the baby with you until you have found an adoptive couple, if that is what you decide, then it would give you time to bond with the baby and make sure you are confident in your decision. If you don't wish to have the baby living with you, you may be able to find someone in your church, or a friend of yours to take the baby for a few weeks until you have had the chance to pick out your adoptive parents.
I really can't imagine what you must be going through right now, but I am sure you are in all of our prayers here at adoption.com.
Best of luck,
Carrie

[Mary Anne Y]

Hi, As I am a birth mother who keeped my children and iam All so adoptee.. so iam talking from that point I was adopted at 3 days right from the Hospital So I never meet my mom who I long for I dont now if i will ever find her It is verry hard to go throw life not knowing wear you come from or who you look like and not knowing wear you belong..YOu need to take time with this as this is something that you and your baby will live with for the rest of your lives... as your doughter is 3 she knows her momy is haveing a baby what will you tell her....... what does your husban say you both need to get to know your baby befor you make a life long camentment follow your harts ......... hope all works out for you and your baby

[aboybirthmother]

mary anne, i am not trying to start a debate here, I just support the "open minded people of this world" so if you are open minded you will not take offense to this reply,

first thank you for your reply, i did indeed ask for comments and advice in which will come from many persons point of view. You definately put not what I would call something new to think about because come on im 9 months pregnant anyone with a heart has thought about these things.

now my actual point to even replying to you:
is that when your children grow and marry, or grow and don't mary but get pregnant at 13 years of age or sooner, ( my sister started her menstration at 9! which means if she were a wild child not kept up with by her parents, she could conceive.) many situations to think about, maybe if you have a daughter she might grow and marry and not be able to conceive. Would you let your children concider adoption in these situations?

my main concern for the baby is the only concern that i believe every person that has anything to do with a child whether it being a birth mother of all situations, a birth father of all situations, the adopting parent or parents, or any care-taker of a child:
These people are all primarily responsible for this childs afterlife.
We are not children of our "parents" we are children of GOD. we start dying the day we are born That Is Life.
In this cold world that revolves so slow but ages so fast my savior Jesus Christ once lived and will return. I will find the destined family that agrees with me. I have lived a very rich life with limousines and luxary, as well as a very poor life with gheto hoods and ugly clothes. Ive seen the drug world, and before and after I live the Christ Life. I know Im the one seeking advice and comments here.

I don't regret one day of my life, my parents or yours it makes us the people we are.

I am signing out now, I may come back to read any comments or advice you may have, but this is for sure my last reply.

I pray that God Bless those of you who truelly need a blessing in your life.
Read the "Holy Bible" please.
with love,
Domenica

[lovestory]

We are not children of our "parents" we are children of GOD

AMEN!

I feel that we are instruments in God's hands. Intrusted to nurture and raise the children He puts in our care. During their soajourn here on this earth.

All each of us can do is the best we can, with His help, and guiding influence. And if we do all we can do, we have that wonderful promise to continue to know and love one another after this life is through.

Bless you in your quest, Demi
Hugs,
Stephanie