[Mary1900]

I had a rude awakeing tonight. My 22 yr.old son had written a paper for college. It was suppose to be based on a event in his life that had impacted it. As well as being a adoptee I am also a birthmother. So this can apply to both. As I read his paper I had never had a clear understanding of how my reunion with my birthson affect him. This was 10 years ago. He speaks of his fears and the need to protect me. I brought this stranger into his life and the reunion didn't go well at all. With our need to find our own birth familes he really made me understand to take their lives also into consideration especially if they have other children. I felt really awful that I was so concerned with my quest that I didn't see clearly how it had affected his. He also made me understand why it is the birthfamily I have just written my first letter to may have reservations. Before I read his letter tonight my only concern appeared to be to fill my personal needs. We bring these stranger back into our lives not thinking of how it will affect our families.Our depression and moods and growing lack of patience at times affect all of those around us. My son clearly made me rethink what my search for my birth family is doing to the family I have and love. Suppose I realize that the way I handle my emotions need to be more considerate of those I have. The search suddenly became second to me . The awakening has left me with a peace of mind since my search began and all of a sudden hearing back doesn't appear like the end of the world anymore. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else but be but having a son that cared enough I wanted to share his thoughts for those that have children and getting anxious in their searches.

[shirleyville]

Mary,
Your post is profound, in my opinion, and it illustrates, first hand, a point that I have tried to express many times, myself, here at the forum.
I am an adoptee, born and relinquished during the 1960's era of closed adoption. I made the decision to petition the courts for a confidential intermediary in October of 2002, and my birthmother was located in January of 2003. Unfortunately, she was emotionally unable to accept contact, and filed papers to seal my records, permanently.
To wrap a very long and complicated story in a nutshell, I ended up discovering her whereabouts in March of 2003, and although we still have had no contact, her "journey" has slowly unfolded before me, and I have the utmost respect for her and for her decisions -- both the ones she made in 1964, and the ones she continues to make, today.
Oddly enough, my birthmother lives less than ten miles away from me, and has, most of my life. I have a sister, who is only 14 months my junior, and two brothers who are younger -- in their early 30's -- who also live nearby with their respective families. They are completely unaware of my existence, and this is the foundation for our mother's denial of contact. There are, of course, many underlying issues, but first and foremost, her concern was that her children not be contacted.
When this whole journey began to unfold, many people called Mary Ellen (my birthmom) "selfish". They wondered how a mother could turn her own child away out of her own fears. A "mother" is supposed to put her children first, before all else -- because...well....that's what mothers do. I have always been quick to point out that this is exactly what she did -- she put her children first.
Mary Ellen's "children" are Debbie, Calvin and Aaron....the children she raised.....the children she held, as they took their first breaths....the children she held to her breast, took home, nurtured and loved from the very moment they came into this world, to today. She has 30+ years of shared life experience with these now adult "children"......she knows and understands all the little subtle nuances that makes them who they are, and she has been with them thru out a life that has been frought with turmoil, poverty and on-going drama. She has been their life raft in times of deep trouble, as they have been for her.
I recall the first Fourth of July when I knew where she was. I took some time that afternoon to drive past her home, where I was fortunate enough to catch a glimpse of her life. The entire family....my siblings, their children and their spouses, along with Mary Ellen and her husband, were all out in the yard celebrating the holiday. There was a barbeque smoking away, under a tent....children were running and playing, a game of horse shoes was underway......and my brother was hooking up a boat to his truck.
In the few brief seconds that I had to drink in the sight of my birth family, I was able to understand something very clearly for the first time........
This wasn't just about me -- and it wasn't just about Mary Ellen. This was about an entire family of people. It suddenly became very real to me, that for the first time in my life, I had all the power in a situation that for 40 years, I had been powerless. The option was mine, in that moment, to pull up in the driveway, get out of the car, and totally change the lives of over 20 people, in less than one minute. In less than one minute, I could have completely exposed my birthmom --- something I would never dream of doing. But more importantly, I think, is what that exposure might do to my siblings, their spouses and all the grandchildren. Life, as they know it, would forever cease to exist, in that one small moment of time -- and suddenly, that "power" seemed so immense to me.
So often, we enter into search and reunion with blinders on -- blinders that limit our thinking and our scope of reality. We think of ourselves, and our needs. Sometimes we try to imagine how our birthmoms will fit into our lives.....and sometimes, how we will fit into theirs -- but I find it rare that we stop to consider how our emergence will fit into the lives of those who have been a part of a family unit forever.
Because I've done my homework, I know that my siblings have had a hard life.....an alcoholic, abusive father, poverty and little to no advantages -- the direct opposite of the life I was afforded. I know that there is bitterness and jealousy that came from living their lives in that environment. I know that our mother has been the only secure, stable influence they've ever known.....and they cling to that -- often, more than they should. I know that Mary Ellen's children and grandchildren are her reasons for living -- that the sun rises and sets on the smiles of those children who surround her daily.
Realistically speaking, I am asking my birthmother to gamble with everything good and right in her life, in exchange for a chance at the complete unknown. She doesn't know me -- she never did. We shared a brief, nine month history, over 40 years ago....and in the 40 years following that, she and I lived separate lives. Most likely, I could sit next to her at church, and she would not know who I was -- but she can tell, at one glance, what her children are thinking or feeling. That comes from a lifetime of love and shared life experiences -- something that no "reunion" could ever bring back.
Ultimately, Mary Ellen did put her children first -- her three children and seven grandchildren. A mother knows, more than anyone else, what her children can withstand -- and what is best for her family. Because of the particular dynamics in this family, I tend to agree -- the gamble isn't worth the risk.
I do, of course, feel sadness -- especially where the children are concerned. I am a fabulous aunt! But I wouldn't gamble the way those children look at their grandma for the world!! I once saw my brother's youngest daughter holding grandma's hand, skipping thru the yard, and you could see that grandma was the most important person in the world to her -- as she should be. My siblings don't have a very stable mindset....the revelation that our mother has carried this secret all their lives is just the type of thing they have difficulty handling. The possibility is very real that they would hold it against her for the rest of her life....even if one of them took this avenue, there would be so many people who would suffer in the fall out. I can't even place my wants and needs in the same category as those of the children and grandchildren who depend so much on the safety and security of the relationship they have had for a lifetime with our mother.
Thank you so much for sharing your story!!
Warm Hugs,
Sally

[Cheryl62]

Excellent posts Mary and Sally....

[shirleyville]

Thanks, Cheryl!

[Mary1900]

Sally
Thank you for taking the time to write your thoughts and story. Sometimes it helps to have the insight from others. I was truly moved by your words. I am also a adoptee in which I have have third party contact with one out of 12 siblings. Though I found out on my own all their names, address and phone numbers I uses a third party so I would not feel like I am intruding on thier lives. I started out trying to get medical background which I petitioned the court but was told there was no medical information so since both birthparents had passed away in 94. They contacted the one brother they knew had been told about me. I will not intrude on their lives if they have no desire. I am OK with that, as I have pretty much resolved any issues i may have had in my early teens. In a weird way I am at peace just knowing they exist. It will be hard going to visit one of my chidlren as he lives very close to her and the temptation will be hard. I had thought at one point to ride by and hope I caught a quick glimps but not sure that would do anything for me but make me want more, so I won't. Again thanks for the extremly well thoughtout letter.
Mary

[shirleyville]

Thank you for your kind words, Mary!
(((HUGS)))
Sally