[Mommy24]

DISCALIMER: I am posting as a member not as a moderator, these are my feelings as a member and in no way are a representation of A.com, speaking solely for myself.

This seems to be a constant problem here on the forums, feelings get hurt, people leave, things are said that may later be regretted but the bottom line for most people is that they are here for support. But how are we suppose to be supportive if we have to walk on egg shells and skate around the hard stuff?

The facts are that an expectant mom is not a birth mom until TPR, adoptive parents are "real" parents", adoptive doesn't mean better, birth doesn't mean worse, etc, etc.

Not everyone in the beginning stages of their adoption journey knows the PC way of saying things and people not connected to adoption are truly oblivious most times, so is it our job as a part of the triad to educate? Do we want the stereotypes to continue or do we want to continue on forums like these making our voices heard?

I am sad that some people take such offense to others opinions and true heartfelt desire to get rid of the stereotypes and mistaken words.

We need to be united instead of fighting amongst ourselves, I truly think we are working toward the same goal, the best interest of the children!

[bmomto2_momto2]

I know that I came here for support. I am a birthmother and did have a very sad moment in my attempt to reach out to my birthson. I quickly discovered that not only were people here able to provide support, but also education regarding adoption. However, I do think that sometimes are taken personally when that is not the intention of the author. I have noticed some responses do seem not to try to be sensitive to other members when that approach is not necessary, asked for, and obviously not appreciated. However, I have been alive for more than 10 minutes now and I know that this happens throughout our entire lives. Therefore, I have found it easier to allow other people's negativity and sometimes outright rudeness to be their problem and not mine. I have posted and had some responses that have been somewhat surprising to me but at the same time I have appreciated the honesty. I ask about issues here that I need to understand. I appreciate this site very much and spend a lot of my waking hours here.

[browneyes0707]

I think people need to be here with an open mind and an open heart. In order to truly learn, you need to be tolerant and understanding of others ideas and experiences, or else why bother? I see there are times where people are so rooted in their beliefs and truths that they can't see beyond them. And you have to put yourself in the others persons shoes, or at least try, in orser to understand

I get "hot under the collar at times" about things and issues that mean a lot to me, and in adoption there is always SOOOO much emotion and love intertwined. If we DIDN'T care, we wouldn't get so upset. Sometimes you have to agree to disagree. Sometimes you have to just accept the fact that eveyone doesn't see it your way, and it's OK. (And I get stubborn sometimes, so this is hard!!) Very rarely is there only ONE way to do things, especially in relationships.

Respect goes a long way. After all we are the same inside. We all have useful things to share, sometimes you just need to take a step back and really hear and feel people you know?

I get frustrated about this too Michelle. (((HUGS)))

[soprano]

I've had a couple of times when something I've said has "set someone off", and I've felt the need to clarify/respond. But by far, the posts I've read have been helpful--many in areas I didn't realize were an issue until I would read a thread. I try to gloss over the "flames". Bottom line: I'm not going anywhere--You guys have been a godsend for me!

[Oceans]

I have read these boards off & on for years... (may have been a past member? I don't remember). Recently I came here b/c I needed help with "parenting" a pregnant teen. The reactions to my posts were harsh at times and I have to tell you, I only stayed because I couldn't find anyplace else to go... My need for help trumped any personal sensitivities I had...

How can we be more sensitive? Honestly, I rarely see a need. Most people disagree with opinions which is fine in my book. It's rare I see personal attacks... Other than my own experience I really can't think of one (am sure there was one or two tho).

A couple of suggestions...

Using quotes to to pull apart one person's posts and disagree on a point by point basis does feel a little "in your face". This is probably not the intent but perhaps it's better to phrase your own opinion on the topic instead of highlighting someone elses line by line and disagreeing point by point...

I don't read the TOS on a weekly basis (even tho I tell Brandy I do). I'm not sure .if there is a mission statement or something stating that we are all here to share our opinions and no forum is isolated to any one side of the triad. I see that coming up a bit more than anything....

I also think that it's important (as an offended party) to post specifically what the issue is and why you feel offended... More often than not I think we are mis-understanding the intent and or tone... Always good to give the other poster a chance to explain.

That's all I can think of for now. I think the format works well and 99% of the time everyone is respectful. As time goes by, we begin to learn each others posting styles and it gets easier to understand intent vrs assuming it's an attack.

[thanksgivingmom]

I don't know the answers Michelle, but I'm really glad you bring this up....I can remember learning things from the very beginning when I had no clue about terminology or anything really! And I remember knowing that I didn't have the answers so I was totally comfortable to learn. To this day, it's the time you think you have it all figured out that you need to check yourself and re-evaluate. It's how we continue to grow and learn!

I'm proud to say, I do not know it all. And often, I stand corrected.

[bromanchik]

I use quotes all the timebecause I feel it is important that posters know exactly what I am addressing. It could be the journalist in me, but it is also helpful to me when people directly address a statement I've made.

Part of the problem in any writing is that you don't hear the other's tone. Don't really know how to address that one.

[Leigh131313]

I think it's all about HOW things are said/written. I think alot of snark is wrapped up in an "education" cloak. I've cringed MANY times reading posts from ALL sides of the triad - especially when dealing with newmembers. It's unfortunate, BUT the bottom line is - we are all adults. If you don't like what someone says - you don't have to follow their advice and if you are continually offended, put them on ignore.

I don't think it's anything that is going to change.......and I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing.

I have a group of friends and I can't tell you a single time where one wasn't perterbed about another......

[BrandyHagz]

I think, personally, we need to remember that just because someone's experience differs from yours and they share that experience - that doesn't mean that they are trying to invalidate your experience or that your experience is wrong.

I find that I am often told I am 'for open adoption at all costs' and that couldn't be further from the truth. My personal experience is the only measuring stick by which I can measure. I often share, based on my experiences and doing so is not an attempt to belittle others or render their experience void or less than my own.

I think too, we tend think people who share their opinions and experiences are attempting to ‘convert’ us or change our method of thinking.

I try very hard not to allow others to make me feel bad, angry, upset, hurt (insert emotion here) by sharing an opinion that differs from mine.

I am not here to coddle or give unbridled support to others, whom don’t share my views. I am here to share my experiences and thoughts on the topic of adoption – and I know, regardless of how I feel about my experience, there will always be those who disagree with me.

I think, instinctively, we feel threatened by others who have views that differ from our own. In our circle of friends, we chose to associate with people who tend to share our same interest, similar passions and similar views. That isn’t the way it is on a forum. You open yourself up to opinions and thoughts from all sides – and you’ve got no control over who replies or responds to your ‘laying your heart on the line’.

I will be the first to admit that, at times, we could all use a lesson in democracy when it comes to addressing things that push our buttons…or correcting a perceived wrong. I am not omitted from that group of people either. There are times when I reply emotionally to topics which are very close to my heart. Most people know what those are…

I don’t know. I think the biggest way we can educate is by remembering that people here (aside from a few ) aren’t here to hurt you, push your buttons, irritate and enrage you – if you feel you NEED to respond to something that is an emotional trigger – do so with kindness and respect.

[mommytoEli]

Not everyone in the beginning stages of their adoption journey knows the PC way of saying things

i think we also have to remember that some of us who are well past the beginning stages also make mistakes...and that alot of times the things we say are not said to be hurtful or degrading, but really there are alot of rules in adoption...sometimes it is hard to remember them all or be up on all the latest terms. sometimes we just slip up, other times different people like different terms. it is alot to keep straight. i think what is helpful to me, is when someone pm's me and says, "hey, just so you know, the pc term is "whatever"...not everyone uses it, but it seems to be preferred. i thought you'd just like to know." however, i also acknowledge that won't work for everyone.

i know i am SO guilty of the birthmom/firstmom label before TPR...but honestly, this is not something you learn in adoption class...it is something you learn from firstparents. i learned it bc a firstmom here took the time to explain it to me....and still, sometimes i forget. ok, alot of times i forget.

I am sad that some people take such offense to others opinions and true heartfelt desire to get rid of the stereotypes and mistaken words.

you have every right to be sad about this. you know, i never thought about it like that before. i am sure that you want to get rid of the wrong word used for Expectant moms like i want to stop hearing people ask if these are my "real" children or if i have any of "my own." i know the people who say these things to me are just as ignorant as i am...just in a different subject. there are times that i will educate, and there are times that i get mad. but i guess in the end, i agree we all have the same goal:

We need to be united instead of fighting amongst ourselves, I truly think we are working toward the same goal, the best interest of the children!

just today someone asked me loudly in target if when i adopted my middle son (who is nearly 5, and was present) if he "was free." i was floored at the lack of education this person had....especially when i turned to see it was my own 14 year old adopted son. i literally had to explain to him why that was not such a nice conversation to be having. so sometimes, even those of us in the trenches, need a swift kick in the pants when we stop thinking for a minute.

I'm proud to say, I do not know it all.

me too!

[jjsmom3]

I am an amom and yes, I don't know everything. I came here to get insight on how to deal with emotions regarding a relative adoption. My DH and I had literally one day to decide to adopt. How's that for knowing NOTHING about adoption. We weren't looking to adopt, but sometimes life throws you a curve ball.

I have read first mom struggles and adoptive mom struggles and I can empathize with both. I don't usually post in the first parent section because I don't want to come across as an "uneducated" amom. But, the questions posed there have helped me.

I do want to become more aware as an amom and I think first moms/dads want to know how the adoptive parents feel.

My suggestion is this: Why not start a new section of threads only about open, semi and closed adoption? A place where people can go and know that all sides are open to comment and educate each other. If you feel ganged up on, you do not have to post there.

I think that would really help hurt feelings around here.

[Oceans]

jjsmom: Don't ever feel that you can't or shouldn't post in bmom forums or threads. As Brandy said, I have learned the best (and hardest) lessons from aparents. I would say I actually learn the most from aparents and adoptees... I can ususually relate to bmoms for the most part.

And as far as the uneducated part goes.... LOL - You and me both!!! I have lived adoption since the third grade and am part of a family that has experienced 3 generations of adoption. You would think I would know something but most days I haven't a clue... As TG said:

I'm proud to say, I do not know it all. And often, I stand corrected.

((( Hugs )))

[webnana]

I agree that we are all here or should all be here for the same purpose. If we all think about it without our children none of us would be here they are the thread that binds us. I thank God everyday for my daughters birth mother and have been trying for years to find her. My daughter was adopted in 1972 in NY and at that time we all know what NY did (closed adoptions) and it takes and act of congress to get those open!!! I have always told my child from the time she could understand how lucky she is to have two mothers that love her. One that loved her enough to give birth to her and wanted her to have so much more in life that she gave her to a lucky woman like me to be her mother. There were books we read from a young age and it's never been an issue on who did love her she knows we both do. As mothers we should unite for our children and YES THEY ARE OUR CHILDREN AS IT TAKES ALL OF US!!!!

[paigeturner]

I missed this thread when you first posted it Michelle. And in many ways you're speaking directly to me! I am such a snarky little brat sometimes. I've been very guilty of jumping on a new member or two in the past. It's just sometimes you get that gut feeling that its a "driveby" just looking to stir stuff up. Still, I get your message and I for one will try to be kinder...but I love the snark...I have held back the last couple of days in jumping into the frey just for fun...