[lisa in venice]

I am in a flame fest on another bb it made me wonder what birth parents think is a good revocation period. Here in CA the new law is one month. As an adoptive parent I am not thrilled with that but it is better than 3 months. If it were up to me I would require much better quality counseling BEOFRE placement as well as making sure birth moms have support and resources for what ever decison they make weather it is to parent or place.

As an adoptive parent I don't relish loosing a child that for all intents and purposes was mine but more than that I don't like babies being moved back and forth. Yes kids are resilient but I believe they need stability even as tiny babies. My dd was in fostercare because her birth mom never recieved counseling beforer making her decison to place. The agency put her in a temporary foster home while they accessed weather she was serious about her adoption plan. Rachel was there for nearly two months and it took several years for dd to get over being moved. Maybe she was extreme and that experience colors my view but she was a pretty sad little thing. She was scared than angry then just plain sad alot of the time in those first couple of months. For the first two weeks she would wake from a nap and look for her foster mom. When she realized that that mom wasn't coming and that we were all ther was she would just cry. You could see her look relieved when you first walked in and then she would look around to see if Kimlee was coming and once she realized where she was she would just cry more.

She refused to make eye contact for a couple of weeks and when she finally settled in and began to bond she wouldn't allow any one but me and dh to hold her. She would scream if strangers made eye contact and she couldn't be left with a sitter until after her first birthday. I have seen the same sort of behavior in other children in very good loving foster homes and think it is best not to move them after the initial placement if possible.

In our last adoption our little one was placed from the hospital at three days old. His birth mom felt very strongly that it was important for him to imprint on us first thing and bond with us. I can tell you that it was a very different experience, the bonding process was faster and more intense early on.

So a short revocation peiod is good for adoptive parents and IMHO good for babies (in the short run at least) but where do you draw that line to make sure birth parents are protected. What is a good time period? My youngest's birth mom thought a week was a good time. I suggested two just to be safe but I have read here that six weeks in not enough. What do you think is a good revocation period.


lisa

[linnea]

lisa - I am a birthmother who is now raising two children.

my oldest was a wonderful baby - he was a snuggler, rarely cried unless he needed something, easy to figure out and all around the ideal of what it was like to have a baby bond and attach to you quickly.

my youngest screamed for the first three months of his life. he hated being held, I never could seem to figure out what he needed, and often had the "feeling" that my child didn't even "like" me. Even after the first three months, he would pull away from physical contact, would throw himself around physically to the point that we did not let anyone watch him because we were afraid that he would hurt himself and we didn't want anyone else to feel responsible for an injured baby. But I held him anyway, often with tears pouring down my face.

He was eighteen month old when he gave me his first kiss and hug.

I brought both of my children home from the hospital at three days after giving birth to them...

sometimes the differences are just differences. our pediatrician said our little one had a raw nervous system, to be persistent in doing the things that promote attachment and bonding, and to pray a whole lot. And today, he is a happy, well adjusted kid. It just took a lot longer.

I think you will get a different answer from every birthparent. In my case, I had two weeks after I signed my papers. Placement took place after the father's rights were surrendered (which was as soon as he signed his papers) and that was because the agancy had a birth father change his mind at the last minute and they had to return the baby to him about a month earlier. But I also had extensive counseling and was well prepared. Personally, if long term foster care had been an option, I would have done it myself - in my case it lasted only five days and I wasn't happy about that. I felt like it either needed to be me or their parents - but that was me.

it would be nice if this were a perfect world - but it isn't. we all have choices to make in how we choose to handle out part of adoption. when you love a child, decisions should be made in the best interest of the child. if that means that adoptive parents choose to take the risk by having the child placed in their home immediately with the knowledge that the child might be returned to a bparent, then you take that risk (and I do know it is easier said than done) or foster care is an acceptable alternative, if that's what needs to take place.

is there a perfect time? probably not. but I do believe laws should be made with everyone involved in adoption in mind. And there are longer term consequecnes to consider. I am glad that the children I parented through adoption, should they choose to find me, will be able to hear me say that the law gave me time to think about my decision, I made the right decision and am so thankful that their parents have been faithful in raising them - rather than me telling them that I immediately regretted the decision, but the law gave me no time to reconsider and were biased against birthparents. I believe that knowledge helps them as they have grown and have become the lovely teens that they are today. They know that they were not stolen from me or given away - rather they were placed for adoption out of deep love and consideration for their best.

[HOLLYWOOD]

I am going to be a birthmom.
counseling only can do so much. I think a birthmom should give up her rights when she feels ready. but not before the 72 hours after birth.
about reclaiming I feel the law should be 30 working days or unless there was fraud.
I personally wouldnt place my child in foster care. I would have a family member take care of my baby until i was sure about everything.

[Passingthrough5]

Boy this can be a hard one. I am a birthmom and adoptive mom. I also was adopted. so I have three sides here. As a birhtmom I truly felt I carried my birhtdaughter for her parents and wanted them there every step of the way. Her mom stayed in the hospital with us and was woken to feed, and care for her, I never had second thoughts, so things couldn't move quickly enough. but it was 72 hours and that was fine. Next, being adopted myself my birhtmom dropped at my parents door. they went through alot to adopt me and I can see also where it would have been easier if she would have had to sign my adoptions papers quickly. Next I'm a adoptive mom, and i know the strees that having to wait for the birhtmom to sign can bring, we waited 2 months after she was born. It was very stressful, especially when in the back of my mind was always what if she changed her mind and how that would hurt our older children. So I guess from my side I do believe in 72 hours but I do strongly think that there should be better counseling. I know I was frustrated when one couselor kept encouraging a longer period of time, I truly felt shedidnt have a clue as to how evryone's lives were kinda on hold. I will add that I don't believe in revolking an adoption, but that's my opinion, and I will say please don't slam me for it just my opinion.

[belkins]

Hello as a birth mother who lost her child to a fraudulent adoption in 1999 in the state of Kansas had I had any kind of waiting period I would not be dealing with the pain I am now, and to be honest there needs to be a waiting period. I am sorry if you think a month is too long but three is honestly better because you just do not understand the hormonal changes that happen, or the drugs a birth mother could be on, or any number of things could change. Birth mothers have the right to change their minds like it or not and that right should be protected and not taken away because you think it is too long or inconvient for you. I do not like to get mad at adoptive parents but if you truly want what is best for a child the first and forst most thing is to be with the biological family if possible but if not then to be adopted into a loving family but only after the birth mother has had time to recover from child birth and is able to make a clear headed decision that with alter not only her life but the life of her child forever.

Sincerely,
Brandy Bottini-Elkins
Lifemother to Amberlie Jeantte aka Amelia Hurt 6-23-99