[lyra smith]

HI
I just wanted to know a little about what the Amoms are thinking about the first few months. Like most bmoms it was hell the first few months. What made it even harder was the fact that I didn't know what the Aparents wanted. I got the feeling they were trying to distance themselves. I have and open adotpion and to me that open means I get to see my son when I feel I need to. I of course would be nice about it and try not to be intrusive. I just always feel like they are putting limitations on the adoption. So to all the A moms out there.. Why the insecurities?? what's going through your head?? I bet it is probably hard on your part too? But really the B moms are the ones that lost we are the ones that are mourning. What I would have liked most is if the Amom would have called to comfort me. I realize that this is their child I knew he was meant for them. I really don't feel like I would ever be a threat to them at all. So why the conditons?? I know they think being open is best for the baby. I am confused. maybe we both just have a different perspective of what open means? I didn't have a lawyer and we met through a mutual friend, so I guess I thought it would all work out perfect.
My sister has 2 adopted kids and she is really close to them. It more like they are good friends. they come over when ever they want and actually one of them is now my best friend. I guess I thought it would be like that. I thought I would have two new best friends.
Don't get me wrong I'm not trying to complain. I know how lucky I am especially after reading other posts. I love my A parents and i have a great adoption. This is just one thing that hurts me. I'm just a little confused.
So I would really apopreciate some feedback from anyone. What do you all think? what is open adoption to you?
thanks.

Hi, I am so sorry you are hurting, adoption is so bittersweet. I can not tell you what the aparents are feeling. We had with both of our bmoms, said when they needed to call, call. If they needed a visit they were welcome to come. We had said this for the first 6 months, that way they knew the door was open. With our first birthmom ,who was very young and needed extra support, we had her at our home every week for about 4 months. She needed the assurance that the baby was thriving. We now see her about once a year and she is very comfortable with us and the adoption. Maybe the family is needing time to adjust to being a family. I would suggest writing them a letter and expressing your feelings and reassure them that they are the parents. I find writing a letter makes it less threatening for them and easier for the writer to express feelings. Good luck to you and I hope everything works out!

[searchingwriter]

letters can be good and bad in this situation. I am adopted and my birth mom never wrote, she always called. With her, it would have been better if she wrote. Then I would have felt less threatened by her. Since she had abused me, I feared all contact with her what so ever. But since you seem to have good intentions, go for the letter! Good luck and God bless.

Jessica

[faith_amom]

I am assuming that this is the Aparents' first baby. If so, the first few months are so exhausting physically on the Aparents, particularly on the Amom. She is up every few hours feeding the baby. The lack of sleep and the enormity of being 100% responsible for another human being can make any new mom (bio or adoptive) a little emotional. No matter how excited she is about becoming a new mom, this time period is difficult. Becoming a mother is a HUGE change for anyone.

On top of this, the Amom is just now bonding with the baby. Bio moms get 9 months to bond with their babies. The Amom is just starting out. This doesn't mean that she doesn't love him or her with all of her heart. It just means that, after years of waiting, she is finally getting to know the look, sounds, and even smell of her little one.

And, finally, new moms are bombarded by visitors and unsolicited advice. I felt like I had a revolving door as well-meaning friends and family members came to meet our long-awaited little boy. The first several weeks are like one big blur of little sleep, feeding the baby, changing diapers, and listening to hours of unsolicited advice about every single aspect of taking care of a baby. All I wanted was for everyone to go away and let me enjoy this long-awaited little blessing.

In my experience w/many new mom friends (all bio moms other than me), things calm down tremendously by the time the baby turns 3 months old. By then, many babies are sleeping through the night. The baby doesn't seem to be so "breakable." He/she can smile. The baby is more interactive and less "needy" than as a newborn. And, more importantly, the three-month mark is a milestone that makes you realize that you really can do this. You know what you are doing, and you aren't second-guessing yourself so much. You start to get back to "normal" again instead of being an overly tired, emotional woman.

I hope this sheds a little light about what is going on w/the Amom the first few months. It is a shame that this time period is so crazy on her end because it is such an incredibly emotional time for the birthmother. Despite all of the things I described above, I made the time to send pictures and letters to my son's birthmother (semi-open adoption) on the schedule I had agreed to. I found that I enjoyed the contact. After all, she is probably the only other person (well, other than his grandparents) who enjoys hearing about every little detail as much as I do!! To us, this child is the smartest, cutest, and best baby that ever graced the face of this earth!!

As far as practical advice goes, I agree w/the suggestion of writing a letter. I think it will be "best received" if you can wait until the baby is 3 months old. The Amom will be much less emotional and in a better state of mind to receive the letter in the manner you intend. However, if your heart is breaking and you need to talk to her about it sooner, than go for it. Let her know how your heart is breaking and that pictures/letters/visits will help you to heal. From the posts I read, communication seems to be key in fully open adoptions.

Good luck!!

- Faith

[adoptivemom2000]

I agree with everyone that the first few months are extremely crazy!! Our birthmom chose a closed adoption, but I know that all of us were a little uneasy until the FINAL papers were issued by the judge---between 6 & 7 months. Maybe they are just trying to adjust and also wait until the court finalizes it.

Just a thought.

Lynn