[irvy]

I am an expectant mom (I'm expecting that wonderful phone call at any time ) and I have already hand made my announcements. I want to include in my announcements a letter to educate my closest family and friends about the realities of adoption. What I'm hoping to do is gather as much information as I can from the three sides of adoption so that I can include it in the letter.

So what I'm asking from all of you is that you share what it is that grates on your nerves or hurts your hearts the most out of the mouths of the ignorant.

I understand that I cannot shelter me or my child from all ignorant or flat out rude people but I can do all that I can to educate the people who are closest to us.

To let you know what I'm thinking of right now (and some of it I noticed has been touched on in earlier threads) I have the following in my head:

Please don't ask my child who his/her "real" parents are - my child has birth parents and us, his/her mommy & daddy.

Please don't speak disparagingly of my child's birthparents. My baby wasn't abandoned, thrown away or given up on; his/her birthparents loved him/her enough to give him/her a chance at a more complete life. This was done with great love not with a lack of caring.

Please don't tell my child that he/she is "lucky" to have us as parents unless you are commenting on our parenting skill and not about the circumstances of his/her birth. We are blessed that our Heavenly Father chose us to parent this precious child.

Our child is just that "our child." Adopted is not what our child is but is the means by which he/she came into our family. You wouldn't say - "this is our cesarean child" or "this is our 26 hour labor child."

Obviously it will be much more personal once we have the sweet little one in our lives and can put his/her name in appropriate places.

Please let me know what you think and where I need to add to this list.

Thanks in advance for your help.

irvy
an expectant mom

[bmLisa]

What a wonderful idea! As a birthmom my the term that hurts me the most is that I 'gave away' my child. I did not give Cole away, what I did do was realize that at this time in my life I could not provide a stable life for a baby, and did my best to find a loving family who could.

The other ideas you mentioned also are close to my heart. Not many people have the forsight you are showing. What an ally the adoption world has found in you!

thank you for what you are doing.

Lisa

[irvy]

Lisa,

Thank you so much for your reply. I agree wholeheartedly about the "given up" My child will know that he/she was placed with us. "Placed" indicates a positive choice. I already love my child so much and really want to make sure that I can do all in my power to protect him/her from every hurt that I can. I want "our" birthmom how much I appreciate her choice and trust. The funny thing is that we haven't even been matched yet but I still feel a great closeness to our birthmom and our child ("ours" meaning her's, mine, my hubby's and most importantly God's.)

Thank you again for your reply.

irvy
(an expectant mom)

I agree with alot of what you said, it amazes me sometimes how "stupid" people can be! I dislike when people ask me how much we paid for our girls. First of all that is know ones business and we did not pay for our girls, we paid fees to an adoption agency to cover related costs. Good luck to you.

[irvy]

Bailey,

Thank you. I had an adoptee post that she had a friend ask her if her parents bought her so I think that I will include that in our letter since I have received that from 2 different sides.

I really appreciate people responding - this is very helpful to me.

irvy
an expectant mom

I don't think she means to express that the child will "belong" to her or her family, her intention is to educated those around her about the adoption journey. Why would you question sending out birth announcements. People who have biological children do it all the time. We sent out announcements when we finalized the adoption of both of our daughters so people could share in our happiness. I guess I am not understanding your post?

[irvy]

It's not about "possession" or "owning," it is about protecting my child from hurt. Like it or not my family will come together in a way that is different from others of my friends and family. I feel that it will make things better all around if they can be educated to the realities of those circumstances. A more educated society is better all around.

I guess I'm confused about what in my wording made you think that it was a matter of possession. I would refer to my child as "my child" regardless of the circumstances of his/her birth or how he/she joined my family.

As far as the announcement I can't wait to tell everyone I can think of that I'm a mom and that is the purpose of an announcement - that doesn't change just because I didn't conceive or birth the baby.

I do appreciate the wonderful responses I've received and I thank you for your input but I think that you misunderstand my intentions.

I have read and re-read this response and I hope that it doesn't across as a knee-jerk reaction. I let it sit on my screen for a while to make sure I still wanted to say everything and in this manner. I hope that my respect for all opinions is evident and have expressed these things as my opinion.

Nancee I think my point is that I don't want my child to be known as "the adopted child" but I also refuse it to be a secret as though the means of the creation of our family is something to be ashamed of. I think that my family needs to be aware of some of the innocent things that they may say without thinking about it that can be hurtful.