[bmLisa]

I have a semi-open relationship with my son's parents. I share a very open relationship with my social worker, Andrea, who also happens to be Cole's parents' social worker as well. Andrea is very close to them and whenever I receive pics or letters from them it is always in her office. I always tell her to thank them for me. In reading other posts I have realized that I am taking our relationship for granted and have only ever personally thanked them with a card after we all spent the day together when Cole was 6 months old. I have come to realize that I might be making a big mistake and I got some more pictures this week. I talked to Andrea and she apologized to me and said that because of her relationship with Kevin and Susan she has never thought to suggest to me that I write them a thank you myself. Since I am working to open our relationship up more she suggested that I do it for these recent pics. I rushed home and sat and stared at a blank piece of paper for a very long time. I want to validate Kevin and Susan as Cole's parents and let them know how much I appreciate them. It seems so silly to me to write 'Cole always looks so happy, you are great parents'. I am struggling with how to write this note to them. I want desperately to validate how much they mean to me and the fact that they are Cole's parents, but I do not know how to.

If anyone would please share with me the ways that your birthparents validate you and let you know how they appreciate you, I would be grateful. What does validation mean to you? Is it important for you to be validated by the birthfamily?

thanks,
lisa

[Stormy]

Lisa,
I just wrote you a long message on another page. But to answer some of these questions... I would LOVE to hear from my sons birthmom (I have been encouraging it but she hasn't responded yet). I would love to know that she likes the pictures we send or the little extras we include. I would like to know what she liked the most, just to give me some idea of what to send more of. I would like to know that she is well. That she is happy we are his parents. that she thinks we are doing a good job. That she sees that we love him so much. That she loves the pictures with his brother or with me or his Daddy. that she loves our home or the places we take him and is happy he has such a nice life. I have said before that adoption has twice the guilt. Not only am I guilt ridden about being a good mom, but I don't want to let her down. I would just love her to tell me that she sees I am giving it my all and that she is really happy to see that. Just to have her blessing and encouragement would be so nice.

Good luck, and don't over think it. Just write what is in your heart.

[JustMe]

Lisa, Stormy's advice is wonderful. I totally agree.

You know, when I saw the first letter our son's FirstMom wrote, she wrote of how our son looks so happy and at peace. To me it meant the world, that she could see beyond the picture to how he's feeling. Ya know? I don't try to send the perfect pics to her, but sometimes I wonder if she thinks they look contrived, when they're not. He's just a happy little guy and is always smiling and laughing. (Well, at 3:00 a.m. this morning he wasn't, but I never get out the camera at that time!) But for her to validate that she knows that he's happy and it gives her peace to see him taken care of, is a balm to my heart.

The words may look dorky on paper to you, but you should see how many times I've read my dogeared letters. Whenever I get discouraged wondering if I'm the best parent for our son, I get the letters back out and re-read them again. They are such an encouragement. I know your child's adoptive parents will feel the same way.

If you're having trouble coming up with what to write, then with that blank piece of paper start making a list. What do you want others to write to you? I promise you, it's the same way around...

Here's mine...
I want to know that I'm being thought of - not just because of being a parent to our child, but just because she's thiniking of me.

I want to know how her hard days are going and if she has peaceful days too. Do my letters & pictures help with that peace? Then that's even more kudos for me.

I want to know what her life is like now. If she's working or going to school or both, how she's doing. Not just because she's the FirstMother of our child, but just because she is who she is, and I want to get to know her. For in knowing her - I know our child better.

I want her to admit that it's hard to express herself on paper, because I'm the same way (but aren't we all???) and that makes me feel better to know that she struggles with writing too. Then I don't feel pressured to write the "perfect" letter. I can just be myself and let my hair down. If I told her that our child was a "little turd" sometimes in a letter, would she get offended? A great relationship would say no, because we're all comfortable knowing that there will be those kind of days too.

Hope this helps! Remember, you don't have to pour out your guts in this letter, just like Stormy says, make it from your heart. Even if it's just a simple "thanks" - it's a start of a beautiful friendship!

Holly

[iss36]

I have to say the best thing my son's birthMom siad to us is that she gives us her blessing to raise her son( before the adoption). She says she knew that we would love her son. that is why she chose us (after the adoption). I am pretty lucky because I do get to hear from her once in awhile through instant mesaging and email. I try to let her know in our letters and pictures to her how much we love ds. How much he is the joy of our lives. How happy ds makes us.
How much we love and appreciate her. That we will never forget about her. we are always thinking about her and we pray she is doing well.

everything just me and stormy said I would want to know too. She will appreciate so much that you took the time write her. She will treasure it .