HI. I need advise! I have found my birthdaughter, but went through the grapevine to get there (she is 18). A friends of her Adoptive mother insisted that I go through the adoptive mother. Well, after two months the lady told me that the adoptive mother said my daughter was not ready to meet me (she supposedly talked to my daughter and she told her this). Am I suppose to just believe the word of these people? They are saying they are looking out for my daughters best interest and asking me to please trust them. I have heard from others that my BD'd grandparents are encouraging her NOT to meet me or the birthfather. I dont know why. When the BF contacted one other woman who is in the family she was very supportive, but then we were told not to contact her again and that the mother is just protecting her daughter from an encounter she is not ready for. I really feel that I need to hear it straight fromm my daughter, but I dont want to upset these people. I am trying to cooperate, yet I really want to meet her. I heard she has a poor relationship with the A-mother, but the A-mother supposedly has no problem with her meeting me. I dont know what to believe. I sent a letter but they dont want to give it to her until they feel she is ready. How would you feel? Thanks!!

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I know that my birthdaughter's records are sealed until she is 21. So even if she wanted to contact me at 18 she would have to wait. As long as she is living at her parent's house, my advice is to honor her parent's wishes(whether the grapevine says so or not, by not answering your letter I would get the feeling that the parents DO have a problem.) Once she is 21 or on her own, try contacting her directly so she doesnt have to face any consequences with her family over what decision she may make. Then it will be up to her if she even wants to tell them what her decision is. But when living in her parents house, there could be problems...or even ultimatums....I would just assume this and not try to go through the grapevine, or bring other family members into it...I think if the tables were turned, I would feel really intimidated that other people knew about my very private business and were talking about it and even forming opinions about it....without me, or before I was ready to....

[RAF]

Amberlee,

The exact thing happened to me. Out of respect, I sent a letter addressed to my son's amom, which included a letter to my son. And I asked his amom to pass it on to my son if and when she felt he were ready. He was 18 at the time.

About three weeks later, she wrote me back and said that now was not a good time for me to make contact because she did not feel that he was ready and because this might sidetrack his graduation/college plans.

I wrote her back and asked her if she could at least send me a photo, which she did. Then I waited......

Waiting wasn't easy, but I figured I'd waited this long, so I could hold out a little longer. I trusted that his amom wouldn't forget about me.

Well, TWO YEARS later I still hadn't heard anything. I began to wonder if and when she would ever pass on my info. So I wrote his amom a follow-up letter, basically saying that I was still here and still desirous of meeting them all.

About two weeks after sending that letter, I received a call. My son called me and said that that very day his mom gave him my letter and photos.

Everyone's situation is different, but now that I've met my son and can see that he is even now somewhat immature, I trust that his amom made the right decision in postponing our reunion.
I must say, though, that I often wonder just when she would have ever given him my correspondence if I hadn't written that second letter. When he was 24? 25? I don't know.

All I can say is don't make yourself crazy over this. You were unselfish when you placed your child for adoption. Don't feel as though it's now or never now that your child has reached the "magical" age of 18. You know where your child is. That already puts you miles ahead of many folks.

[HappyTwinsMom]

...information, so try to remember that you're not hearing any of this from the "horse's mouth"...so to speak! It sounds like the information you do have is second-hand or third-hand. I would recommend writing directly to the mom and trying to open communication that way. As a mom, I would be pretty uncomfortable knowing that our daughters' birthmom was talking to everyone but me...know what I mean?

And, not to sound cruel, but she does know her daughter better than you do. Whether they have a good relationship or not, she has raised this young woman from infancy and probably has a good idea how she thinks and feels.

I really hope I haven't sounded discouraging. That wasn't my intent. Just trying to give an a-mom's perspective!

Thank you all for the advise. You all make sense and I value your opinion. However, since I last checked back on this board I have been reunited with my birth daughter. I just called her (my friend gave me a little push to do it). It turned out better than I could have imagined!!! She is thrilled, excited and anxious. She also got many questions answered by me, as she was never told anything---ever. We call and email all the time and have plans to get together soon. I heard her A-mom is fine with all of this. However...a word of advise!! MANY of the things I heard "through the grapevine" were untrue I found out!! Thats why I had to call her. At least we both know the truth now. Good luck to all of you and I hope you are reunited soon---I'll pray for you!!!

[debsdone]

Amberlee, congratulations! Have a wonderful reunion/relationship! Debi

[cathy102]

I would go with your heart. I just adopted a daughter and she is 2 months now. I want to have a relationship with her bmom. Your DD is an adult now and if she doesn't want to meet with you, I would want to hear it from her...

Her amom shouldn't discourage you meeting with your daughter. She has to know it will happen some day, She just needs to let go and be thankful she was able to raise your daughter...

Good luck,

Cathy (mommy to Lexi)

[cathy102]

I just read your other post...Glad things worked out

Cathy (mommy to Lexi)