[musicmama]

I could sure use some advice! Yesterday we met (for the first time) with the BMom ("M") who has chosen our family to adopt her baby who is due Jan 30th. We had a good time, but one thing happened that I wasn't sure how to deal with, so I didn't do anything. Next time we are together, I would like to know how to handle it, so she won't think I'm ignoring her feelings. This was the problem:

We took "M" to Kohl's to buy her some clothes (she has just been released from jail, and didn't have any maternity clothes). We were in line when she indicated that she wanted me to feel how hard her tummy was, and I asked her if the baby was kicking a lot. She said he/she was keeping her up at night with all the kicking. Then the lady in front of us piped up and said, "Just wait til he's born...then you'll *really* know about being up at night." And when she was leaving she said, "Good luck with the baby." Of course, there was no way she could have known about the adoption, but I think it bothered "M"...I was at a loss for words, so didn't say anything. I really felt bad for "M".

We are planning on spending time with her on Thanksgiving Day because it is her birthday, so what should I say if something like this comes up again? Or should I just keep my mouth shut? I do have a bad habit of trying to cover up an uncomfortable situation with words that may unintentionally come across as insincere-- I'm just no good at coming up with a quick reply.

Any help here would be greatly appreciated!!

Musicmama

[Jodi Kaye]

musicmama,

I honestly can't think of anything you could say to make an comfortable situation, comfortable. I think it's what you do. You are already showing her that she is jsut as important as the baby she carries. You seem to be a compassionate woman. Just let her know that anything she is feeling or thinking no matter how great the pain or how trivial the thought you are there to see her through it. Communication, is key in any relationship. Is this going to be an open adoption? If so it would be comforting, I'm sure, if you were to make sure she knows she will be able to share in many of the joys of motherhood along with you. 2 mothers is better than one (I have 4 I have adopted throughout my life.) I guess one more thing I'd like to add. I can see where being a birthmother, just out of jail,etc. can cause her to feel somewhat inferior. Treat her as your equal. You'll find it easier to think of her as your friend and "co-mother" than as someone you unconsiously pity.

Hope I have help a little...If not I do apologize you might want to try to go to http://www.b-mom.net or bmom.net

[numbr1dbcksfan]

As a birthmom, I think that you did the right thing ignoring the comment. There is no way to avoid people who think that every conversation that goes on around them is their business. Although I probably would have been uncomfortable with the comment, I also would have felt that it was my place, and only my place to correct the situation or give out information. If she didnt say anything about it, then Id say to just let it slide... She has to deal with it in her own way...and if she is sure in her decision, then although it may feel like a punch in the gut, knowing that her child will have great parents should ease that at least a little bit.

[Lewey]

Why don't you ask her how she felt (feels), don't deny her feelings, that will only create anger and pain, you may also suggest she seek counseling, this is a hard decision and at times can be very confusing, there is nothing wrong with talking about this, and by talking about it, it shows you care, and you want to help, I think it will help you also.