[bmLisa]

I need some advice from all of you. My son just turned a year old, and I have a semi-open relationship with my son's parents. I receive letters and pictures 3-4 times a year through my adoption agency. I am lucky though in that my social worker is also their social worker. Andrea shares a close relationship with them, and also with me. It has been very easy for me to request additional pictures from them through her. I have even been able to ask her to give them a call and find out how they are all doing whenever I just feel like a little extra news. My boyfriend and I even got to spend an afternoon with their family when Cole was 6 months old. I worked as a cashier for almost a year at a department store in town, and saw Cole's mom a few times. She even brought me a Mother's Day gift while I was at work. They have been very accomodating whenever I make requests for more pictures, and have even agreed to make a home video for us before Christmas.

Since Cole just turned 1, I have begun to wish for a more personal relationship with his parents. Andrea suggested that I start writing a short letter occasionally so that holidays and his birthday are not the only times we communicate. I would love to start writing notes, even to just catch her up on our lives, but do not know where to start. I want to get to know her more personally, and want to share myself with her as well. Andrea feels that that kind of relationship would not be unwanted by Cole's mom. I would love to get to the point where I could pick up the phone and call her directly some day. I do not want to interfere in their lives, I just think that the more we know eachother, the easier it will be for to have an open relationship for Cole's sake. Before he was born they said that he would know about us and our love for him and that if he ever decided he wanted to meet us that they would support him in that.

I know some of you have the kind of relationship that I would love to have. I am not a natural born conversationalist, and have a hard time talking to people I do not know. I would love any advice from anyone.

hugs
Lisa

[jrae2]

I placed my son for adoption 4 years ago. The parents were very willing to share pictures, and sent letters, but I myself was terrified to communicate with them. It took me 3 years to call them to say hello, and was so surprised at how easy it was to talk to them. They put my son on the phone and let me talk to him. I can't explain why I was so scared of it, but maybe I was afraid of feeling the full impact of what it means to have relinquished your child to someone else to raise.
My advice to you, from the bottom of my heart, is to be honest with yourself about what you are feeling. You do need some sort of closure, on your own, with the decision that you made. Without that lines can get blurry, and people can get confused. I hope you can understand what I am saying. From the bottom of my heart I hope you are able to find peace in your situation...if you ever need to talk feel free to email me - jrae2@hotmail.com

[faith_amom]

Lisa,

I think it is a good sign that the social worker says that Cole's Amom is open to more contact. Maybe you could write a letter to the Amom, sent through the social worker, that is very specific about your proposed increased contact (phone calls or whatever). The social worker could help you brainstorm what kinds of things you are looking for. (I think the home video is a GREAT idea.)

I am not surprised that Cole's Amom is open to more contact. As an Amom myself, I can tell you that we make decisions about contact before we understand the implications. In my case, I wanted a fully closed adoption, but our agency only did semi-open (pictures and letters). I reluctantly agreed to send the pictures and letters, but that reluctance changed to JOY and ENTHUSIAM after I met my son's Bmom. At that time in my life (years of infertility treatments, desperation to become a mother), I saw Bmoms in a vague, threatening way, like she would be the "real" mom w/whom I would have to compete for my child's affections. It wasn't until I met my son's Bmom (while she was still pregnant) and talked to a couple of Bmoms (people in my life who only revealed that they were Bmoms after they found out about my decision to adopt) that I realized that my fears were unfounded. I am now confident in my bond with my son. NOBODY could ever replace me in his life, so there is no "threat." If he reunites w/his Bmom one day, then he will just have one more person in his life to love him. What an amazing blessing for him!!

In my case, my son's Bmom chose to receive pictures and letters but does not want to contact me at all. That is what I thought I wanted, but now this arrangement makes me sad. I WANT to know how she is doing. I WANT to know that she is OK and that she is healing. I WANT to know that the pictures and letters I send her are helping and that she KNOWS that her son is happy and loved. The only information I receive about her is through the social worker, and my son's BMom has chosen not to contact her for about a year. I do know that she is still receiving the pictures & letters because the social worker verifies that she is still at the same address. I have asked her in the letters to let me know through the social worker if she wants more contact, but she hasn't responded. On my own initiative, I put together a home video for her, and I intend to send her a lock of my son's hair (if it ever grows long enough -- He was born bald!!). I am tossing around sending her some of his "artwork" for Christmas. I don't know if that might be painful for her. But, I figure that more than I promised is better than less, and she can always pack it away and pull it out to look at later, when maybe the pain won't be so sharp.

If my son's Bmom contacted me to ask for more pictures or letters, for videos, or even for occasion phone calls, I would be open to it. I never would have believed that I would feel this way pre-adoption, but I truly do. I love her very much. After all, she entrusted me with the most important person in my life!! I pray for her and think about her a lot. I send her lots of warm wishes. I only wish that she knew this.

Anyhow, that's one long-winded Amom's point of view.

- Faith

[adamsmom]

My son just turned 2 this month. FOr the first 1 and a half, I had a completely open adoption, letters, emails, phone calls, visits. But then this summer the amom said that she didnt want me coming as often (i was gonig about every 3 months) and she didnt want it to be for as long either. she wanted to cut it from 8 hours of visitation down to 4. This was hard for me to handle. Partly becuz it is a 2 hour drive each way. And partly becuz when we discussed the level of openess before my son was born, they said i could visit whenever i wanted to, as long as they had notice. i was giving them a week or two and making sure that the visits fit into their schedule. this summer though, the amom and i had a big fight and she said a lot of things that really hurt me. i haven't seen my son since april becuz of what she said. in a way though, i feel that this is what i need to do becuz i couldnt greive before. by the time i was starting to get somewhere, i would see him in person and start back over in square one. i think that the separation has helped. But i still miss my son terribly.

Also, whenever I talked to the amom, i always felt that i had to censor myself and i couldn't tell her some things. not that they are vulgur, but becuz she has complete control over if i can see him or not so i was afraid to say anything that would make her take all contact away.

So, if u r an amom, and u want to know things about the bmom, please please PLEASE be prepared to accept her for who she is. Try not to judge her too harshly. And if you open the door, keep it open. You will not only frighten her, but you will confuse her and the child involved. As your child gets older (s)he might see it as "If you don't accept my bmom/bdad how can you accept me, as I am a product of them." So I just ask that in any situation in the adoption traid that you THINK long and hard about things before you say them. And when you do, be gentle about it. This whole relationship between parents and child is very delicate and everybody feels different about it.

Stephanie
sweetheart535_01@yahoo.com

[BeckyS]

Faith, I feel exactly the same way. I want to increase contact with my daughter's bmom & feel that she may be receptive to it. My problem with it is my spouse does not feel the same way. In previous contacts with her, I don't thing the bdad (now her husband) does either. I am not comfortable contacting her on the 'sly' as I do not keep things from my spouse. Any suggestions on comments or advise from anyone on how to convince my hubby this is a good idea?

[JORDANMODE]

If it is good for you then your hubby ought to see that and that should be reason enough for his blessings .. the same applies to her hubby . But at the same time doing it on the sly ......... well I am against that .. I do believe the truth no matter if it is agreed upon or not is always best .... I would rather fight for the right thing and lose because I i was honest then gain something through deception .. because that gain would be short lived ........... only my opinion though . i am not in your shoes I wish you the best

[BeckyS]

I had him close to being on the same page with me on it until some friends of our recently adopted and are having bad experiences with how open they all agreed on being. We'll see how it goes.....I care a lot for her & think of her often - my daughter has 3 full siblings that I would hate to deprive her of knowing.