[stronglove]

Dear Friends,

I am posting to both birthmoms and adoptive parents with some questions and a heavy heart. A couple weeks ago, we chose to not go through with an adoption after finding that the baby tested positive for cocaine. This was coupled with other factors -- unknown medical histories, heavy smoking and possible alcohol. The baby while premature, was in good shape with no signs of withdrawal or need for oxygen. It was the hardest decsion of our lives to not go though with it. And yet, I am clear despite the pressures and judgements from the ICU, national experts and our adoption workers, that it is right to trust one's gut, preferences and inner wisdom on such decisions. In the face of my love for this little baby and my passionate desire to be a mother this is no small thing. I think I better understand from all this, what it may be like to be a birthmother faced with decisions around relinquishment and choosing parents. All you can know is what you know at the time -- which requires so much faith and trust in what's right for you at that time.

I have a tremendous amount of respect for the family that did adopt this baby. As it should be, they did so with no ambivalence and wil happiness. That's what I wanted for the baby -- complete joy. And because of my concerns/bottom lines for many reasons, we were not the right choice.

Now, my husband and I are faced with many hard questions about the risks in domestic adoption which before had seemed more remote. After much thought and a long process, we decided on domestic adoption because we want our child to have his/her complete story an an open relationship. We want to cultivate and honor a respectful connection to the birthparents and hope this brings self-respect and esteem to our child. That we are clear about.

After this, our agency is giving me the feedback that my expections have been unreasonable. They have psychologized my preferences saying that I have "not resolved my infertility issues" and need to be able to give up control. I am really curious to hear what people think about this. Who doesn't have high hopes for their children?!

What are some of the realities of birthparents I am missing? Is it unrealistic to hope for a birthmom who hasn't done alot of nicotine, alcohol or drugs? What's "reasonable" to expect? I know each story is complex and I have much compassion for birthmoms in crisis situations. I am not judgemental about drug use. I do however, have concerns about known challenges and want to take on what I want to handle. Some of what I wonder about too, is whether I may be placing too many eggs in one basket by reaching out only to the pool of birthmothers connected to our agency. Perhaps I can network on my own to bring about a great fit. I am a psychotic optimist! The great thing about the agency (of only 2 staff), is that birthmothers recieve very solid counseling and support though the entire process and we would be sad to forfeit that tremendous resource for all involved.


Well thanks for those of you who read this. I 'd love to hear from folks.

Warmly,
Jan


__________________
Going for a caring, sensitive adoption
with love power. I know it will
happen!




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Today 09:39 PM

[loveccl]

Reality is that "everything happens for a reason and life is what you make it".
I gave my child up at 16 yrs old. I was a healthy non smoking female with no addictions to drugs or alcohol. I gave my child up in an open adoption. I probably would not have gone through it but when you say your carrying a child and giving it up everyone has a friend who wants a child. So I got this info and this woman contacted me. I didn't like her so I wrote the adoption agency she went through and gave them my requirements. They sent me resumes and some crazy people want a child. I decided on two couples and let the adoption agency know. One of the couples was out of the country and so by fate my child went to the other couple. This couple was not perfect but I trusted them. They had a daughter they had adopted and she would be my sons big sister. I had my baby in the hospital with me for 2 days and they came and we met and then I said good bye. I asked for picures I asked for letters and like alot of birthmother I was betrayed. So don't give up hope, but know this is the hardest decision she will ever make so respect her. When you hold you baby in your arms know that its your baby and you will love it for ever. Also know that there is another woman out there who was doing the right thing for herself and her child, but that she wakes up every morning with stretch marks and empty arms. Also think about this if you truly just want to share your love with a child become a foster parent. I my self was thrown away not given up for adoption and my foster mother died last year but she was my heroe and I know she is with me every day. I want to give birth again in a couple of yrs but if fate became nasty and I couldn't concieve I would be a foster parent. I hope what I said will help you or maybe give you some healthy ideas. Good luck and don't give up!!!!
Darcy

[Addie02]

I too am a birthmom I do smoke but stoped while I was pregent. I don't drink and I don't do drugs. Stay strong there are more of us out there. When you find the right girl, the right birth mother you will know. Trust your gut feelings. After all someday that baby might be yours and all you want is the best for the child. No mother should expect any less.

[schatz]

First I want to tell you that from what I read you seem like an excellent candidate to adopt. Your decision not to adopt an available baby takes a lot of strength which to me suggests that your heart is in the right place. Rather than fullfilling your need to get a baby at any cost, you followed your gut. By doing so, you have decided that you will not settle for just any adoption, but the right one...a lesson that both adoptive parents and birthparents should take to heart.
There is nothing wrong with admitting that you are not willing to adopt a baby with less than ideal circumstances. Some people think that if adoptive parents want a baby so badly that they should take whatever comes, but I believe it would be detrimental to the child to be adopted out of a sense of obligation to the less fortunate.
If you are really commited to the open adoption you describe (and I hope you are) then there will be many opportunities for you. For reading, I recommend "the Open Adoption book" by Bruce Rappaport and "The Spirit of Open Adoption" by James L. Gritter. I'm sure that there are others out there but I think both of these should be required reading for all adoptive parents and birthparents considering any kind of adoption.
I'm saddened to hear about your situation because as a birtmother I hate that we are most often viewed as teenage drug addicts. I don't believe the majority of birthmothers fit that profile. I believe the best adoptions will occur between people like you who are willing to say no and wait for the one that feels right.
Good luck to you.

[stronglove]

Dear Friends,

Your posts really went right to my heart just when I needed it. I can't tell you what it means to hear that kind of feedback from birthmoms. As my reactions to the drug screen were pathologized ( I was "expressive") -- I touched a place in my heart for all of you, who also must have dealt with other peoples' judgement and scrutinity of your decisions. I'd love to put you all on my adoption team as the story unfolds, because your expertise is like no others! Darcy, when your e-mail came it was ltruly a gift at the perfect time. So much gets focused on bmoms choosing us which of course, is unbalanced -- because just as much, I hoped I would choose her as well. And in our case, there was deception. (which I understand is a tactic of the addiction and does not necessarily speak to her intentions and courage.)

Right now, we are considering whether and how much outreach to do on our own so we don't have to rely entirely on our agency. Actually, the agency is currently working with a large group of bmoms so the chances are good that ultimately, there will be a match. There are some things about us, however, that may or may not fit the generalities of most of the women they work with.

We are Jews and most of the bmoms in the pool are of Christian background. Not only that, but my husband is a rabbi of a creative, progressive community. I think what comes across most about us in our book which bmoms see, is that we are encircled by a loving community with a rich legacy committed to spirituality, God and making the world a better place. We also have a close-knit group of loved ones from many cultures and places and live in a multi-cultural neighborhood. We have what our workers call a "juicy" book full of what's real about us because we could not hold back from extending what is most genuine about us! ( I also made a tape of music for our prospective bmom with recorded songs of support).

Perhaps the cultural/religious differences will be just the thing that some bmom is attracted to, or maybe it will be something else all together separate about us that creates that connection and sense that her child belongs with us. On the other hand, we do have some worry that the cultural differences can be a stumbling block for many. Do you all have some thoughts about this? Would some of you have considered placing outside your own culture/faith? And for that matter, how did you find a right match for your child? Was it through books made by prospective aparents? The internet? Word of mouth?

Thanks again for the support here. I really value hearing bmothers voices while I navigate these waters.

Warmly,
Jan

[bmLisa]

Hi Jan

I found my son's parents through Lutheran Social Services. I am not Lutheran and neither are my aparents, but that was the agency I felt most comfortable with. They really provide a lot of support for me even now, a year after Cole's birth. I read about 25 "Dear Birthmother" letters, and after narrowing my choices down to 4 families was able to hear more in depth personal information that my social worker read from their profiles. I have been asked before what it was about their letters that attracted me to them, and I honestly don't remember anything specific. I know that the dear birthmom letters are very important in that it is the first exposure that we have to families waiting to adopt, but sometimes I think that hopeful parents worry too much about what to, and what not to, include in their letters. Once I finally met Kevin and Susan, it just felt right. It was kind of a magical moment. Instead of being nervous and scared, I felt at ease and the more I heard about them, the more sure I was that they were the ones. I learned more about them, their personalities and their views on life from the stories they told me about eachother. They didn't try to give me a crash course in who they were, instead treated me like an old friend who needed some catching up. Best of all, we could laugh together in a very stressful, unsure time. I do acknowledge the importance of the letter, it was what came after that first glimpse that mattered the most.


One piece of advice that I wish I could give every birthmom is this: Please, please, please make sure that you get enough counseling before you make your decision to place your child for adoption. Learn all of your choices, even if any of them do not seem possible - only then will you be able to feel that you are doing the right thing. Also make sure that you will be provided with post placement counseling. For families looking to adopt: I think that you need to take a more pro-active role in how your birthmother makes her decision to place - please make sure that your perspective birthmom also receives counseling, I think it will make your journey together much easier, and prepare her to be able to communicate more effectively with you.

I am not a very religious person, but I do feel that things happen for a reason. At first I felt that life was being so unfair to me for this to happen. After meeting Kevin and Susan I realized that what was just as unfair was for these two wonderful people never to be parents. It was just meant to be.

I am not sure if this is what you wanted, but here it is. I hope it helps, even if only a little.

hugs
Lisa

[schatz]

hi,
I'm afraid I won't be much help because my adoptive parents and I met by chance. They had not even started the process but the father had mentioned to a friend who had adopted that he would like to talk to her about adopting. This friend heard about me and put us in contact.
I do agree with Lisa that the intitial meeting is usually the most important part, and from what I hear, both the potential birthparent and potential adoptive parents feel the connection. I also agree with Lisa that it is important to make sure your potential birthparent recieves excellent pre and post placement counseling, no matter how good it seems.
I did place my daughter with a family from a different culture. My daughter's birthfather requested that the adoptive parents acknowledge his culture in certain ways and they agreed. I do practice the same religion as my daughter's parents, but this was not a factor in my decision.
Every potential birthparent will be different, but it sounds like you have many great qualities. Be patient and I'm sure you will realize your dream.

[schatz]

I am a birthmother.

I would rather know that my aparents trusted their gut than that they were so desperate for a baby that they were willing to go against their gut to get one.

This couple chose not to go through with an adoption that involved lying and a lack of information. This is a good thing. Parenting an adopted child has enough challenges without adding such an enormous lack of honesty.

If anyone needs a scolding, it is the agency handling this case, not the adoptive parents.

[vickisc]

Dear Jan...You show strength and courage! It's easy for everyone not in your situation to give advice. I am a Mom to both adopted and bio children. We all know that things happen in life and throughout life that can cause trauma and disabilities that will change our lives. You are talking about makinga choice about a situation you know about upfront. You made the decision with an open mind and your heart and I'm sure it was not easy. Our daughter, who is 4 now, has had some medical and emotional problems. She is a blessing and joy to our BIG family(7 kids much older than her). The bmom who we met through a mutual friend came to us and asked us to adopt her. She told us she drank some until she was 6 months pregnant but did no drugs. To make a very long story short my oldest daughter knew one of the potential birthfathers named. She went to school with him. She ran into him a few weeks ago and through that conversation he agreed to meet with me. He saw our daugher after agreeing he would not say anything to her. He has agreed to a DNA. The bmom told me they had a year relationship which I have now found out was nothing more than sex over a few nights. The potential bfather was so drugged he barely remembers her saw pictures I had. He has somewhat turned his life around although not completely. He said she most likely would have been doing the same drugs as him if she was hanging with him. So that explains a great deal to us! I have talked to our attorney before I met with him. The adoption is secure and we were advised to go ahead with the DNA. He understands it is for medical reasons and so she can know who he is when she is old enough. If she wants a relationship that will be fine and I will help her. He wants to know also as he is 25 and already knows he has 4 children. My daughter has the same strawberry blond hair that three of his other children have, which is like his. I feel lucky that this man met with me but also knowing his past a little uneasy. I wish with all my heart that the bmom would have been more truthful with us. Just wanted to share mystory with you and wish you the best in finding your child.
Vicki

[webweave]

Hello,
Just a note to validate you...it is so important to trust your heart...one of our adoptions was a baby who appeared fine, as well, but came from a family with lots of drug abuse, etc and we just figured we could make everything OK with love. It has been a long journey with this child, in spite of having open relationships with her family...don't get me wrong, we love her very much but it has been a very difficult time getting our child the help she needs.

After that adoption we had an opportunity to adopt a baby who would have been a cousin to one of our other children. We decided not to do so since we had our hands full at that time and found another family to adopt her, but I have to say it was one of the hardest things we ever did!! Thanks for sharing your journey with us!! Sandy

[mom2j&d]

I am an adoptive mom of two beautiful boys. When we matched with our birthmom it was a dream come true. She is a warm loving girl. We hit it off the first time we spoke on the phone. She was already 7mths pg when we matched and she admitted to smoking heavily and smoking marajuana. We were of course concerned for the babies health but I knew in my heart that this baby and this birthmom were right for us. My son was born 3mths later and was perfectly healthy. I got to hold him when he was only 4hrs old. I spent 3days with my bmom and we developed a wonderful friendship. Unfortunatley she lives in another state so we don't get to see each other but I send her letters and pics often. I received a call from my attorney 13mths after my son was born that my bmom was 7mths pg again and wanted us to adopt her baby. We were floored and excitted. When I finally got to speak to her on the phone after such a long time it was like we never stopped talking.

However, I knew things were different this time. With our first son she always went to her doctor appts. She always kept in close contact with us - this time she disappeared for a few weeks then would call again for a few days then not again for a few weeks. She missed every doctors appt. but one. Fortunatley the one she went to we got to find out we were having another boy! About two weeks before she was due she calls me late at night crying that she has to be honest with me. I was real nervouse and practiclly held my breath waiting for her to go on. she said that she knew with my first son that I was real scared she was going to back out even though I never pressured her she could sense my fear at times. This time she was afraid that I was going to back out. I told her I would never do that, this is my son's brother and I love even the thought of him. She started crying harder apologizing to me up and down and finally admitted to doing cocaine and heroine throughout her pg and was still doing it. I didn't know what to say I just cryed with her. But like I said earlier there was no way I was backing out. This was already my baby in my heart and I loved him.

Less than two weeks later my son was born. He was pretty sick and was in the special care unit. He had terrible withdrawal and had to stay in the hospital for quite a while. He is now 7mths old and doing wonderful!!! We are so proud of him. He is the light of our live and I couldn't imagine my life without him. I think the difference between your story and mine was that my heart told me this was right, no doubts - fears yes but no doubts. I trully believe you have to follow your heart. I have two beautiful boys and one wonderful bmom! I don't think I could go through an adoption with her not being my bmom. I don't think I could have the relationship I have with her with anyone else. Sorry I went on and on like this but bottom line is follow your heart. I beleive that there are babies out their meant for us. That the reason I could not have bio children is because my boys were meant to be with us! They were the babies I was meant to raise and she was the women meant to be my life long friend. I think of her everyday and a peice of her is always with us through them!

Good luck in your search!

[Tam]

Hi Jan:
I personally don't think that your expectations are that unreasonable. However, I think that you may need to do a little more research and a little more soul searching.

I too had hoped for a baby that had a birthmother with a "perfect pregnancy". All too soon I realized that this was NOT going to happen. In our application we stated that we did not want a child who was exposed to alcohol or drugs.

Well, it turned out that after reading the bmom's profile and all other paperwork, we decided to meet our son. He was 2 yrs old and in foster care. He had been exposed to cocaine, and some alcohol during pregnancy, and had also been "SHAKEN" at 8 months old. He had been followed very closely right from birth by doctors, and even more so after being placed in foster care.

My son did not suffer from withdrawal from cocaine, but did show one minor effect from the shaking incident. His head grew much faster than the rest of his body. He has since grown into his head (hee hee), and is a beautiful, NORMAL 3 yr old. His language was somewhat delayed, but he is now almost caught up.

Even though his profile was not exactly what we had hoped for, the moment we layed eyes on him the first time, we knew that he was meant to be our son. We went with our "gut feeling", and are very lucky to have been blessed withour little angel.

By the way...we are Jewish and this was never an issue in the adoption process. The birth family and social workers looked at us as people first, and the religion thing was not even a consideration.

There are always going to be unknowns in adoption, just as there are in biofamilies. What appears to be a healthy newborn could be found to have any number of genetic illnesses, or learning disabilities, or even mental illness.

When you find the "right baby" I hope that you take these things into consideration.

Good luck
Tam

[schatz]

The major message in all of these posts is to trust your instincts.

It is clear to me that you are not looking for "the perfect baby", but just looking for someone to tell you it's okay to trust your gut and to wait for the one that "feels" right.

In every story, there is the message that when it happened, the aparents and bparents "knew". Hold onto your faith.

You have displayed enourmous strength of character in your posts. As a birthmother, I really admire that.

I'll keep you in my thoughts.

[A_mothers_love]

Dear hopeful to adopt

I lost my son to adoption in 1988, I do not call myself a birthmother for all mothers are just that mothers. whether you adopt or have a baby naturally. there is no other term. I read your post with an open and understanding heart. For while you want to have a baby you want a child that is healthy. Women who use drugs or alcohol during pregnancy do so without truly thinking about their child, yet not selfishly so, a woman who uses drugs and alcohol to this extream is hurt to begin with. While drugs and alcohol are harmful to a baby invirto I would be most worried about the emotional side effects of a baby who is born to a women with mental issues. A baby is not something that you can mould into what you would like. a baby is an individual who will eventually grow up and be a citizen of the world. a baby who has had contact with drugs and alcohol invitro will definelty have problems, yet so does any baby, so truly the question you should be asking is how much paitence do you have, and how much unconditional love can you share. For even the mother who eats properly and is in extream health can have a child with emotional problems. the use of drugs invitro can cause irrepairable damage to the baby, yet so can emotional stress. so again ask yourself the question what would make the most difference to you, having a baby that possibly may have physical disabilities or one with emotional. For raising a child is not all beautiful. though children are all beautiful. I have both one child with mental disabilities and one with emotional. I am a healthy mother who didnt smoke drink nor do drugs, please please take a moment and consider that it matters not what a mother did when she was pregnant and its totally out of your control, what is most important is that you have a baby to love and to hold to comfort no matter if it is physically disabled or not. it is unfair of you to believe that you could have a baby that is so perfect for they do not exist. All children deserve love. what you have to give is what makes the difference
Hugs
lost mother of daniel

[stronglove]

Thanks for everyone who has replied. You have all given me much from sharing your perspectives and preferences about these issues which are tough to explore. Its great to hear the wisdoms of mothers! I have learned a lot hearing about other peoples' experiences and can imagine that the next time around, I will feel a greater sense of community with such challenges. (I am certain there will certainly be complexities to navigate!). For me, drug use on its own is not so much the determining factor -- (although for me, it was tough no doubt). It was the entire constellation of which that was a part. Given other factors and relationships in place, we may have been differently open. And given how this whole experience opened my heart and eyes, we may already have opened to more down the pike! It does require much faith and endurance, doesn't it? This gets me thinking about how birth and adoptive parents together create so much expertise in the practices of love. Not the illusionary. romantic stuff (i.e. white horses, "perfect" children) -- but the courageous creation of space to be more and more, who we are meant to be with one another.

Thanks again for the support and feedback. It means a great deal to me.