[Archive]

Originally Posted By R.

Wow! The age of technology and electronic information! When I placed in 88' people didn't even have cell phones, much less personal computers. (Am I getting old or what?) We were just bearly getting home cable and vcr's
in those days. (I'm ancient, I'm ancient.)

I wish I could have had access to the internet when I gave up my daughter. Here, there is all kinds of support, advice, from other birthmothers, that just was not available to birthmothers in the 80's. I was alone, totally alone when I was pregnant and was the only birthmother
I knew. I thought only bad girls got pregnant, so I must have been bad, or at least that's how the people around me made me feel.

Sooo. I guess, I'm catching up on what I didn't have back then....Support, understanding, talking to adoptees, and I would most def. want to talk to other birthmothers about my age (I'm 35) who gave up their child in the 80's.

And, also I would like to view things from the adoptive parents side. How they feel? More on my birth story later.

a birthmother,
Quietwoman

[Archive]

 Hello and welcome!

 I am a newer bMom, my daughter is four years old. Glad you found us here!

 

 I thought it was interesting that you used the term "vet bMom" ..I wrote an article called, Honoring Veteran Birthmothers ...and would like to share it with you, if I may. Soon it should be up on my webpage with the rest of my work, but for now...here it is:

http://communities.msn.com/TwoDiffer...starticle.msnw

       &nbsp ;

 Hope to hear more from you! I am sure you have lots of wisdom to share.

 Yours,

  Skye

[Archive]

Originally Posted By R.

Thanks,

That almost describes my first birth exper. totally. Except, I was not allowed to go to a birthmother's home, but forced to stay at my legal guardian's house and pressured into an adoption decision by coercion.
I was offered help ONLY if I agreed to let one of the couples adopt. The baby would get a shower and I could get to see a real doctor and go to a decent hospital. If I did not, I would not get a baby shower , and would have to rely on the state's help for med. care (if you want to call it "care") and I would be "alone". Oh ! if I had only known about midwifery then.

My legal guardians were Rev. and Mrs. of a local "church"
and they had wishes for some infertile couples in their congregation, would not allow me to call my mother about the pregnancy, go elsewhere for the preg. (like a home for unwed mothers) or have any thoughts of keeping the baby. I was given only two weeks to decide, and asked daily if I had a decision. After the adoption I was forced to leave their home for fear that "You might have aides and give it to one of our children or us."

The things they said were so horrible, it's unbelievable that these people actually previously bragged about me being their "daughter". To the congregation they were sweet, kind, compassionate, but in private they were coersive, and very abusive verbally and emotionaly. It was like they hated me.

It was just like you said, I was told, "YOUR NOT A MOTHER!!!!!!!" I was told all kinds of horrible things like I didn't deserve the baby. I was ruining my child's life if I kept her. etc... I didn't know what to do. I should have left, but they wouldn't let me. I should have called my mother anyway. I should have had some backbone and stood up to them! But I didn't and now I'm paying for it the rest of my life.

But it's been 15 yr. since I first found out I was preg. During the later 80's things were just beginning to change, but not enough. There were some things that happened in the early 80's that were becoming illigal by the time I placed, and I'm thankful for that much. Open adoption was just starting to become popular and more accepted, Your employer couldn't make you quit if you became pregnant, and unwed mother's homes (where they forced you to relinquish) were phasing out, and the "closed records" was coming to the beg. of an end.
I'm thankful that I at least know WHO adopted my child, and where she is, it's just not as open as I would like.

I still don't feel like I'm that old, but Wow, my first born will be turning fourteen soon! Time goes buy so quickly, so quickly. I'm looking at a reunion possibly in the next 4-10 yrs.! I just can't believe it.

Oh, you make decisions when your young (as I did) that
you regret, but when your young you just don't know what it will really be like. You think your mature enough at a given age to make any decision, but your not, and you just
don't know any better.

I thought, "Oh, I'll be helping a woman who can't have a baby." "They'll love me, everyone will love me now and this will make me into a good person in their eyes again." But you know, she's upset that you think your helping her, and some don't like to think about the fact that you are the one who gave birth to HER baby. I can't even send my firstborn a birthday card, I'de like to, but someone might get upset. (Even though our adoption was semi-open).

Others who have nothing to do with my decison waited on the sidelines when I needed them most, and after they found out I decided to adopt, said, "How could you give up your baby? I couldn't do it. What kind of woman are you to give up your baby?" But other than that, no one wanted to talk to me about it. I brought it up once about my preg. to a small group at my "church" and no one said a word! They just sneered and remained quiet. Like how dare I speak of my situation in their prescence!
And I thought somehow that people (guys, my "parents-guardians",the "church") would respect me more after my decision, but they did not. In fact, I didn't fit in any more in my guardians family, most guys didn't want me who knew of the adoption or if his friends knew, I was asked if I were going to leave town or would they have to leave,and I basically had to start over with a new job, family, home town,friends,church etc....

Yes, much has changed. You are so blessed to be young at a time where there is help. You can make an educated decision if you just do some research. You don't have to listen to negative abusive people. Be glad of it , and take advantage of your opportunities!

Much Love,
Quietwoman,
a birthmother

[Archive]

[Lee]

Hi, I read where you are wanting information about the adoptive mother's feelings. I am an adoptive mother of two ages 37 and 35. They both recently decided to search for their birthfamily. What a shock it was to me. It was like a knife through my heart. I put all the effort I possible could into raising these two children. I remember when my husband and I first became adoptive parents. I use to dread that a phone call or knock on the door would come from the birth mom. I thought that they felt as we both did that they were our flesh and blood and not any different. I guess there is always the wanting to know where they came from but I sure wish it could have taken place after I died. It is truly heartwrenching. YOu have to be the shoes of an adoptive mother to feel this pain. We were told at the time of adoption that the records were forever sealed and I think that is the way it should be. Adoptive parents have rights too but nobody seems to address this issue.

[faith_amom]

It is amazing how differently today's Aparents seem to view adoptions versus those who adopted in decades past. I feel completely differently from Lee. Perhaps the difference is that I met my son's birthmother. Going into the adoption, I had my own idea of what a birthmother was like, but my idea was completely different from reality. Once I met my son's birthmother, I saw the pain in her eyes. I saw the enormous sacrifice that she was making to give her son a life that she could not provide for him.

Instead of fearing contact from her, I hope that we will meet again one day. (We have a semi-open adoption, but she has chosen not to communicate w/us. We send her pictures & letters twice a year.) I want to give her a huge hug and thank her from the bottom of my heart for entrusting me with this amazing little boy. I don't feel any sort of "threat" from her. I am confident in my bond w/my son. I can never be replaced in his life. If his birthmother reunites w/him, she will be another woman to love him. And I want to be there with him for the reunion -- to celebrate with him if it is a good reunion, or to hold him close if it is a disappointment to him.

So, I guess, just like birthmothers, we adoptive mothers are all over the map in how we feel. We are each individuals, just like birthmothers.

- Faith

[miriam57]

Thank you, Faith. If my son's adoptive Mother were as thoughtful and compassionate as you are, it would have saved both he and I an enormous amount of pain. Your son is blessed, and his birthmother as well.
God bless you~
Mary
reunited to 23 yr. old son as of May, 2002

[schatz]

All anyone has ever thought about is the feelings of the adoptive parents. It's about time this changed.

[Lee]

I am an adoptive mother of 2 children. We adopted them at the age of 8 days and the other 6 weeks. We gave them all the love and support that any biological child would have received from us and maybe even more. We wanted them to feel very loved, special and above all wanted from the first day they were placed in our arms. I do not see where adoptive parents have rights. Now that they are all grown up they have decided to search for birthmom. I can understand that wanting to know Why. But please tell me where you feel adoptive parents have all rights in this issue. I am not seeing my rights at all.

[nitty]

HI I am new to this forum and a new adoptive mom. My daughter is now 9 months and she is a joy. We have an open adoption. Our bmom comes over to our house at least once every two months or we spend some sort of time with her. I desire for our daughter to have some sort of relationship with her bmom. Hopefully she will never doubt the love her bmom has for her nor ours. I am so thankful for the gift her bmom gave us. Our choice for an open adoption was for our daughter. She will always have access to the questions that may arise in her life. Afterall, Her bmom just wants to know that she is ok and loved. Too much love is never a bad thing.

I'm all for some sort of openness.

[faith_amom]

Lee,

When I first started the adoption process, I also felt like adoptive parents had no rights. After all, I got no say in which birthmother chose me or whether or not she would change her mind during the 10-day wait period about relinquishing her right. However, as soon as the adoption was finalized, I took on all of the "power":

(1) I control whether or not to tell my son he was adopted.

(2) I control what information my son gets about his birthparents, including what "spin" to put on their reasons for placing him for adoption.

(3) I control whether or not to fulfill my promise to send his birthmother pictures and letters. She has NO LEGAL RECOURSE if I decide not to follow through.

(4) I have decades to build up a relationship with my son, whereas his birthmother's only "tie" to him is the fact that she carried him in her body for 9 months.

(5) I have the emotional pull to try to persuade him not to search for his birthmother.

Meanwhile, his birthmother has NO rights. She has to trust me, a stranger, to love him, to care for him, to tell him about her, and to follow through with my promise to send her pictures and letter. I have a piece of her heart in my family, and she has no say whatsoever in his life.

As far as adoptive parents' "rights" over their children -- those "rights" are no different than with a bio child. As parents, it is our job to love our kids with all of our hearts and raise them to (hopefully) be loving, responsible men and women. Once they turn 18, our "power" ends. They are responsible for their own lives, and they get to call the shots. We hopefully remain a loving influence, but we have to trust them to use their best judgment to make the best decisions for themselves -- adult decisions.

Lee, nobody will ever, ever replace you as their mother. You have spent the last 37 years of your life showering your children with love and affection. You have dried their tears and helped to mend their broken hearts. You are their MOMMY. (I don't care if they are in their thirties -- You will be their MOMMY until the day they die.) Their drive to find their birthmothers has nothing whatsoever to do with a deficiency on your part. They aren't looking for love that they lack. They are looking for a missing piece of themselves. This is a piece that their birthmothers left behind when they placed them for adoption. Maybe the reunions will be good, or maybe they will be bad. But your children are going to search, with or without your blessing. Wouldn't it be better to have their Mommy along to laugh or cry with them, depending upon how it turns out?

Also, I know that years ago, you didn't really get counseling on birthmothers. Do you not feel gratitude towards those women? After all, every kiss and hug that your children have ever given you are as a result of two women selflessly entrusting their babies to your care. What if, while you have had 37 years of joy, these two women have ached to see those babies just once? Wouldn't it make you feel good to ease their pain? Think about how painful those years of infertility were and how that pain ceased the moment you held your oldest in your arms. How good would it feel to repay that favor -- to let these two women hug the babies they placed for adoption long ago? They aren't looking to replace you. They are looking to know that they made the right decision, that those babies are now happy adults, and that those children don't hate them for "giving them away."

I suggest that you check out the Adoptee boards and read some of the posts. It is normal for adoptees to feel a need to reunite with their birthmothers. This is no reflection on the great job you did as a mother.

I am sorry that you are hurting so much. I hope that you and your children will be able to work through this. They still (and always will) need you.

- Faith

[Lee]

Your reply to me was very reassuring. I think that adopting children in the 60s was a lot different than today's adoption. There was no talk what so ever about wanting the birth mom to have any contact with the child. We were told that once the adoption was finalized that the records were forever sealed. My daughter did come to me and ask what information I had and I gave her all I knew about and then went to my attorney to try to get more for her. She was successful in finding her birth family. Her birth mom had died 9 months prior to all of this. She does today have a close relationship with 3 sisters. But in all honesty, I think the finding out about why she was given up for adoption has seemed to have affected her more now than when she was younger. I feel that she and I are not as close as we were before all this took place. I was an only child and I always wanted children and to have a close family. But it seems as if my family is forever changed now. I don't feel the closeness. My son on the other hand decided to do the search without even telling me anything about it. I wish I had been told ahead of time. My 7 year old grandson asked me one day how I would feel if he had another grandmother? I knew right then and there what had happened. My reply to him was that I would be a little sad and happy at the same time. So you see I had no say in this whatsoever ( I mean that I was not able to sit down and talk to him and let him know my feelings in all of this before he made contact) I truly feel that my daughter-in-law wanted him to do so. I don't believe he would have ever searched. His reunion was very pleasant. He has found 3 sisters as well. His birth mom's husband was understanding and very acceptable of him. He has told me that she would like to meet me and I told him that I would like to meet and thank her for my wonderful son. He has not said anything more about the meeting. His reunion took place the early part of September. I don't know if I should mention the meeting to him or wait for him to bring it up to me again. What are your thoughts on this?

[Lewey]

It still to this day makes me crazy when I hear responese such as Lee's, but the truth be told Lee is just a product of society's view on adoption in the 50's, 60's, 70's and even 80's, adoptive parents where led to believe that birthmothers did not Love thier children and no sacafice was made on behalf of the birthmother, but birthmothers do not forget and things have changed and we know that there are lasting effects from adoption in all areas of the triad, many of us have been misled and this includes the adoptive parents. I must also remember, you cannot tell someone something they do not want to hear or believe, adoption is painful.

[Lee]

Lewey, I did not mean to imply by my response that birthmoms do not love their children. I have always felt that they did and that is why they placed them for adoption with a loving family that could take care of their child. That was always something that I stressed to both of my kids while they were growing up and asked me a question about their adoption. I told them if your birth mom did not love you, she could have chosen to have an abortion. I guess for me it was just quite a shock when they both decided to search at this late date in their lives. I would have thought it would have happened at an earlier time in their lives. I love my children dearly and want only what makes them happy.

[Lewey]

Lee, I apologize for my miscommunication, I was not saying you told your children that thier birthmother did not Love them, what I was trying to say was how misleading adoption was back in those days, you were told that no one would come knocking at your door and now you find it heartwrenching that your children have begun to search, it still makes me crazy that you have to believe that it is heartwrenching, if only the truth was told or known back then, I think there would not be any of us in the triad who has to think that finding the birthparents as heartwrenching, we would not think of each other as a threat and we would know all the obstacles. Once again I apologize it was not my intention to make you feel uncomfortable, once again i find myself trying to make everyone see my side of the triad, when I know deep down that it something we must all learn for ourselves.