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Hi everyone,

I am new here, and I am a little nervous. After many years of painful (physically and emotionally) fertility treatments, I find that I am thinking about adoption more and more. I want to be a mom...

My question is this:

I know that open adoption is becoming the trend now in domestic adoptions, but it really, really scares me. Even though I know that the birth family will have given me the greatest gift, I dont think I want a lifelong relationship with them. And my husband is really sure that he doesn't want a relationship with the birth family. It is so complicated...how I feel about this. I would never, ever, badmouth the birth family to the child, and I would let the child know from very beginning that he or she is adopted, and work through it in a loving way. I would share all of the info I have about the birth family. And when the child gets older, and he or she wants to meet the family, and the family has expressed an interest in meeting the child, then that is ok with me.

Are we horrible people? Should we not adopt because we feel this way? I am so confused, and I dont want to hurt anybody. But I think that having the birth family as a part of our everyday lives would be too stressful for me.....

If I have offended anyone, I am truly sorry....

HUGS

Donna

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 Hello and welcome to the board!

 Don't worry, I don't think you offened anyone. I am glad you are here asking - that is a great step!

 My name is Skye, I am a writer here at Adopting.org - and the co-moderator over at the bMom board. I am a bMom, my daughter Emily is almost four. I have had a very open adoption from day one - and I can get a feel for what you are feeling about openness. When I first chose adoption, I knew I wanted some openness, but the aMom wanted way more than I did, but because of her ease with the situation - I changed my attitude about it.

 I wanted to address one thing you said first:

 <<...Should we not adopt because we feel this way? ...>

 No, you shouldn't let the way you feel stop you from adopting, HOWEVER, the way you feel shoud stop you from agreeing to have an open adoption with bParents, and stop you from commiting and promising to have contact.

 I have been seeing it over and over again lately, open adoptions are being forced closed on bMoms, and it is utterly devastating to them. It is like losing your child all over again, not only that but this time the people a bMom trusted to raise their precious baby backed out on their word.

 Just being here says you are open to learning more about open adoption, which is a great first step. I suggest talking to others, both aMoms and bMoms about open adoptions. Read books on the subject (A great one is called, "The Children of Open Adoption" by Kathleen Silber, awesome and a must read for every adoptive Parent hopeful!) If you still decide against open adoption, there are some bMoms who wish for a closed adoption ....

 ...but you have to ask yourself, is what you are feeling more about the child? or about yourself and your own fears? When a bMom places her child for adoption, she does it for the sake of her child, regardless how afraid she is...we expect or at least hope that aParents will do the same - put the children first.

 Studies have shown that open adoption is very beneficial to the child. They will know where they came from, they will have question answered. Remember, there is no one "blanket open adoption" - each is different and special in it's own way. Some have visits, some just letters and pictures.

 Open adoption takes commitment, trust, love, and honesty. There are up and down times for both the aFamily and bFamily. Can there really ever be too many people to love a child? My daughter is loved by me, my parents, my family - she is adored by so many.

 Some think open adoption is co-parenting. No, it is co-love. Birthmothers don't want to be the child's parent, because once the papers are signed, we are not the parents. But we will always have a bond or a connection to the child. Honoring your child's past in turn honors your child's future.

 Here are some articles I have written that you may find useful. Courtney, the moderator of this board, she will probably post in a few days (computer is down) I know she will have plenty of great things to say.

 Here are the articles:

 Interview with a aMom hopeful:

http://www.adopting.org/boards/get.c...optiveMom.html

Two Different Kinds of Love:

http://www.adopting.org/Skye/two_dif...s_of_love.html

 Having Your Cake:

http://adopting.org/Skye/Cake.html

 That Which Makes us Real:

http://www.adopting.org/Skye/real.html

 Take care!

 Skye

http://adopting.org/Skye/

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Originally Posted By Holly

Hello Donna,
I'd like to welcome you too. I'm sorta new to these boards, but I love this one the best. It's helped me to answer some of my own questions in my adoption.

I'd like to recommend another book to you too called "Dear Birthmother". It's been mentioned on this board before and I hope I'm doing the link right:
http://www.adopting.org/boards/get.c.../25/1/1/1.html
The message is titled "Dear Birthmother" by JenniferS, Feb 05, 14:02. She gives a great synopsis of the book. This book has meant so much to me as an adoptive mom in waiting and now as an adoptive mom.

What you have written could have been written by me a couple of years ago. I would like to give you some background info on my adoption journey and ask you a few more questions. I just wished somebody had asked me these point blank years ago (you'll wanna grab a snack and some caffeine) If you don't have time to read this long reply, then scroll down to the three asterisks (***) toward the bottom of this letter for the heart of this reply, then come back later to read the whole thing.

My husband and I've spent 11 years trying to have a child "naturally"; and I've had five known miscarriages (although I've had a couple more than that, I'm sure). The last one was the hardest. Went through all the fertility/hormone treatments, thought the doctors found "the cure", got shots, got pregnant, seven weeks later held my little one in my hands not sure what to do with him/her? Give my baby to the doctors to test? Bury my baby somewhere? It was the worst experience of my life. I was angry with God, with myself, and with life. The "whys" and "what ifs" were eating me up inside. Needed grief counseling, but so wounded, I didn't realize it. Nearly broke up my marriage.

While the tribulation was going on, well-meaning people were always saying, "You should adopt!" They gave many wonderful reasons (a lot with misconceptions about adoption), but no one ever sat me down and asked me what I really thought about adoption.

Before you get into thinking about closed, semi-open, or open adoption should you chose a domestic adoption at all, there's other questions that you and your husband need to ask yourselves and then ask each other.

Do I have peace about my infertility and can I adopt a child without feeling like I'm trying to replace what I've lost?
That is the biggest question and must be dealt with much prayer and soul searching...

Let me put it this way. Think of marrying a widower who loved his deceased wife very much. You two love each other as well, but try as you might, he constantly refers to all the things that "Mary" did. "Mary made the most perfect scrambled eggs. Mary ironed my shirts just so. Mary hummed when she washed dishes." Finally you’re ready to scream, "I'm not Mary. I'm me! And you must love me, just for being me! Please don't try to make me into another Mary."

If we adopt children without coming to terms with our infertility, grieving over it and burying it; we'll forever be trying to compensate for our loss in some form or another. And that's terribly unfair to everyone involved, including you!

Our adopted children must feel secure in who they are, not only emotionally, but physically too. It's possible, after you adopt your child, you will have both family and friends come up to the two of you and try to make some kind of physical comparison between you and your adopted child. That has happened to me already. They are so excited for you to have a child, that they think that by saying that your child has "your eyes" or "your smile" that they are helping you to compensate your natural loss of being able to hand down your looks. And though your adopted child will adapt some of your family's facial expressions through mimicking, he/she really doesn't have your genetic makeup and eventually without validation of who they are physically, it will bring about the same scenario of "I'm not your lost child. I'm me! And you must love me just for being me! Please don't try to make me into someone I'm not."

Would you like to know another reason the grieving process of infertility and the acceptance of your adopted child's physical genetics so important? It is one of the reasons that open adoption scares so many. It is a constant reminder that someone else held your adopted child in her womb and through her and her partner handed down their families genetics, their heritage and their future. If that grief is not dealt with, it makes even the most honest attempt at an open adoption an impossible situation. That's why so many birthmoms get burned in the open adoption journey. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak in the heart of an adoptive mom who has not come to terms with her loss. Unfortunately this can happen after the adoption has taken place leaving everyone involved heartbroken.

How do we overcome such grief and fear? Recognize that both birthmoms and adoptive moms are experiencing grief in loss, and that this grieving process is an ongoing battle for both. An adoptive mom may be tempted to adopt to fill the void of a natural loss through infertility or miscarriage. A birthmother may be tempted to have another child to fill the void of the relinquishment from a previous adoption. Both temptations are wrong because they do not deal with the real problem. The hole in our hearts is not from what we've lost only, but from the grief that is eating away the hole in our hearts making it bigger than ever.

No matter what happens in an adoption, closed or open, that grieving process is still there in the background and will rear it's ugly head at the most inopportune moments. Not even the most closed adoption will prevent that for either party. But if you recognize the grief for what it is, it will bring health to your body, happiness to your marriage and a loving relationship with your adopted child.

Whew! Ready for question two? Don't worry these others are short!

Why choose adoption (domestic or international) in the first place?

If the answer has anything to do with because other people tell us we'd be good parents, children need to be rescued (yet another adoption misconception), you'd be providing a service by giving a child a good home (what are we the phone company? Good service? Good grief!)...Then you really need to re-think about why you want to adopt. It must come from your heart and from your husband's desire to build your family in this manner if God is leading you there. Do not let others persuade you that this is the way to get a family; or have a baby. This must be your decision in spite of the pressure from family and friends or even your biological clock. When you have that peace in your heart that overrides all the questions that will bombard you, then you know it's time to move forward in the adoption process. And by the way, the questions never, ever stop. That's normal!

OK, so you’re moving forward with adoption. And you’re leaning toward Domestic Adoption. Closed, Semi-open, or Open and why?

Skye's comment hit it on the head for more than just open adoption though. She said <... No, you shouldn't let the way you feel stop you from adopting, HOWEVER, the way you feel should stop you from agreeing to have an open adoption with bParents, and stop you from committing and promising to have contact.>>

The way you feel should also make you stop and think about other adoption choices as well: Can you handle any physical, emotional handicaps on either the child or his/her birthparents? Would you be willing to adopt a bi-racial child? Would you be willing to adopt a child from a different race than your own? And all of these questions need to be taken into consideration; not only thinking of your immediate family, but with your extended family as well.

My personal case in point: our beautiful son is bi-racial. And before we agreed on adopting bi-racially, my husband and I went round and round on the issue. He saw nothing but blue skies because he is gracious and has a faith driven heart. On the other hand, I live in the land of reality. We're originally from the South, though we no longer live there. And though our parents would not have problems, I was worried about our southern grandparents who had a much different upbringing than we did. Could they accept their adopted grandchild? Especially if he/she was bi-racial? On and on the debate went until we finally decided to do something rational. We asked them. Praise God they were so supportive of our decision. And now that we have him, they love their grandson with all their hearts. We've got the pictures to prove it!

But amidst all the debating, I finally discovered why my husband was so adamant about accepting bi-racial, or even full racial adoptions. He had an under-current fear that if we said "no" to any of the above questions, we wouldn't be able to adopt a child at all, or that we would be waiting years and years and years to adopt. Of course, that is also a WRONG reason to adopt. And from what I gather in your note, Donna, I couldn't help but feel that you might be worried that you'll be rejected from adopting, if you said No to Open Adoption. It's OK to say "No" if you know that it is not right for you or your family. An adoption is like a marriage in a loving contract between all parties. You are now expanding your family and for better or worse, open or closed, that still means the birthfamily too; either in the background or up front.

***You must be true to your heart and fair to your adopted child. Explore all the options. Know what your afraid of and can conquer. But most of all know your limits; know what is acceptable to you and what's not. Say "No" when it's something you cannot handle. That's not horrible. That's honorable and honest and a great treasure to find in someone.

Last question. Aren't you glad?

Open adoption. Is that 24-7, everyday, phone ringing off the hook, constantly bombarded by bmom???

OK, that's what I thought it was. Then I read the book "Dear Birthmother". Then I saw Courtney's letters; then Skye's. Checked out this board. Every open adoption is different. And there are different degrees of openness. Right now, I'm in a semi-open adoption. I wanted to get to know my bmom better before we moved into a full blown open adoption should we both feel that way. We exchange cards, pictures and as soon as we get a camcorder, we'll be sending videos. I understand the <<...having the birth family as a part of our everyday lives would be too stressful for me...>> That's what I was afraid of. But the more I read on the boards and in books the more "open" my heart became. Now here's the funny part. My "blue skies" husband was the one who was became afraid of open adoption. The faith tables had turned. He was the one with the questions and I was the one with the "It's gonna be OK" answers. He'll even tell you that it's rare for me to be in that form! But he too is very grateful for the semi-open arrangement we have right now.

I know I've bombarded you with more questions and answers than you wanted to seek, but I wanted to let you know that the questions you ask are normal and hope that the questions I've asked back have not offended you or any of our dear readers on these boards. Continue to ask questions and please continue to post. You won't get people as long-winded as me!

HUGS back to you, Donna!

Holly

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Originally Posted By Courtney

Dearest Holly ~
In the two and a half years of my being here on Adopting.org, in the hundreds of e-mails and posts, and over the course of forging friendships with many expectional women ... your words brought with them the ultimate power that seemingly crashed down the very last wall once built between two sets of mothers. I am literally sitting among a pile of fallen brick.

Two nights ago I was leading a local Bethany Christian Support group and during which I was asked what fears adoptive mothers had. As birthmothers shared animatidly about their fears I posed the question, "Have any of you thought about what the adoptive mothers fear?" They became quiet. I would give anything to go back to the other night for the opportunity to read what you have written.

I am literally in AWE sitting here awkwardly trying to respond to a post so honest, so truthful, and so REAL that I am nearly shaking. You have exposed the heart of an adoptive mother's fears, concerns, decision making, hopes, aches, desires, insecurities, grief, healing, realization, etc. And you have done it in such a way that with it came the ultimate power to bring down a wall that I have for so very long hoped to see fall.

You trusted all of us here enough to say some of the words that have never been spoken. Replace. Loss. Grief. Fear. Very real issues that adoptive mothers face, that for so long I have ached to understand. I am more close to speechless than I have ever been in my life.

Holly ~ you have my total and complete respect and adoration. I commend you for doing what is quite possibly one of the most difficult tasks any of us can ever do. Telling ourselves the truth.

You are, without debate in my heart, a rare and priceless being. Your family will truly rise to excellence in the empowered care of your heart and spirit. Thank you. For saying the words, for speaking the truth, for admitting to all of the journey, and for then having the courage to cast your pearls our way.

Courtney

P.S ... Just got my computer back and will send the books you ordered out tomorrow. Sorry it took so long! Thank you so much.

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Originally Posted By Courtney

Dearest Donna ~

These boards are here for EXACTLY the very reason you felt safe in posting what you did. I wish I could give you a huge hug if only to let you know ... honesty is what it's all about! Your post is perfect. Expressing your fears and being honest about what you are faced with is really the only true way for anyone to grow and learn. Regardless of if you do end up feeling peaceful about openess, or choose to adopt through a closed adoption - you're having the ability to admit to what you're feeling is HUGE. Way to go!

Your post and Holly's post truly brought me to tears this morning. I have NEVER read such evidence of the heart of an adopting mothers journey.

I believe that MANY can learn from what the two of you have written here. I know that I've learned. I would love if both you and Holly would give me permission to re-print your posts in an article form and publish it on the adopting.org network.

I can only imagine that countless others who are just beginning the adoption journey are or have been faced with similar fears and issues - and I would love to be able to put these two posts out there for them to read. I believe it will validate, inspire, and bring peace to the many who may feel that what they are feeling isn't normal.

Holly said it all in her post ... I encourage you to read it through and even to print it out. Skye had some GRREAAT words as well ... I would do the same with her post.

Please e-mail me if you wouldn't mind my re-printing your post. If you'd feel more comfortable I can also leave you anonymous. I just feel that so many are out there, just like you, struggling with these issues but maybe feel a bit afraid to admit it. You're honesty could very much help so many others.

Be proud of yourself.
Courtney
Courtney_adopt_org@msn.com

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Originally Posted By Jessica, Steven, Justin and Kyle

Hi, Donna!

Welcome to our family! Boy, between you and Holly you have hit eery single one of my fears on the head lol. I was so nervous meetng our birthmom that I was shaking! Will she like us? What does she expect? What do we expect? We were origionally adopting through the state (and still did), so open adoption was ever an option until a birthmother made a brave and loving choice for her three sons and came to us. Despite our unprparedness and having to work with the system as well (long story) our adoption is wonderful and I wouldn't trade the chance to get to know our firstmom for the world. It is wonderful for the boys and for us. I won't say it's perfect, but every thing has its complications.

I guess what it boiled down to for us was wether we were comfortable not being able to answer our children's questions about their birthfamily. It s so good to know hat when they have a question that I don't know the answe to about their birthfamily, soon I will be able to say "Let's ask Lisa that when we see her." and their questions will be answered.

I hope this helped. I know that you will be able to find the right type of adoption for you an your husband. And n, you are not hrrible for wantg a closed adoption. If you feel that is what your family needs, then there are birthmothers who want that or older children through the state.

Good luck and God Bless!

Love,
Jessica, Steven, Justin and Kyle

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 Hello -

 Just a note, I have noticed that your posts are always streched out really long, just like mine used to - and I have finally figured out how to fix that - you know when you are posting a message and you are given the choice of "Smart Text" "Word Processor" "Plain Text" "HTML" - well, every post check "Word Processor" and then your posts will not go on and on the the right.

 lol - I have been dying to know why my posts always did that! I wanted to share the discovery with you! Oh, I might have an aMom who is going through some issues who I thought maybe could benefit from talking with you, if that would be okay? I will let you know what she says.

 Love ya, Skye

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Originally Posted By Holly

Dearest Donna,

Your post also shows the most beautiful vulnerability laid out before us. You know, I didn't have the heart to start posting anything until I had dealt with some issues on my own. I would have never had the courage to post such sweet and vulnerable questions in the beginning of my adoption journey, even in front of kind strangers. You really, really are a courageous women and I thank you! There will be so many who read that post and be delighted to know that they are not alone in their questioning or thinking. Thank you for your honesty and for you forthrightness!

Blessings to ya,

Holly

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Your kindness and your wonderful answers have given me so much to think about. You are all amazing people...thanks for your help.)

HUGS

Donna

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Originally Posted By Jess, Steve, Justin, and Kyle

Hi, Skye!

Thanks for the tip lol! How are you doing? How was your semester? And Isaiah? Boy, our 2 are growing like weeds and so great! Gee, not too proud a mama huh lol.

  Sure, I'd be happy to help anyone who needs it. You can email me privately if she's not comfortable posting (SJC040896@webtv.net). Also, feel free to email when you feel like chatting too. But, I hope you know that already lol. I bet we could rack up one heck of a phone bill if we tried!

Talk to you soon!

Lots of love,

Jess

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 Thanks Jessica!

 

 Yeah, I have been known to rack up the phone bill! lol -

 The kids are doing good - and yes, they grow so fast! I miss my son as a baby, so cuddly. But, I love having him run around and talk to me.

 I will let that lady know you are there to talk to her!

 Skye

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Originally Posted By Jess, Steve, and crew

Hi, Skye!

No problem, Hon! I'm glad to hear things are going well for you and the kids. I'm sorry (red face) I couldn't remember wether your daughter was Madison or Emily until after I posted, and I didn't want to be tacky and put down the wrong name by accident. Forgiven?

Love Ya,
Jess

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 Yes, forgiven! They are both popular names.

  Skye

[jrae2]

It is a difficult thing to realize the other sides fears and understand that those fears may motivate the behavior that you are afraid of, it that makes any sense! All I know is that I wanted an open adoption with my son's Aparents, and when it came down to the corresponding and all that I was terrified. I almost couldn't bear to make it real and the fear of it being real, that it would all come crashing down on me at once, that fear kept me from having a real relationship with them for a long time.
I still don't understand why. All I know is that I am very blessed with how understanding they have been. They had tried for nearly 15 or so years to have a child, and the process of adopting proved so lenghty and disheartening that they had resigned themselves to being childless by the time we met. (Which was thru a friend of mine). I know that there was fear on both parts, and so far it has been completely unfounded. Thank God for that!
I think it is completely normal, after all, tho so many have been through it in some way, it is unfamiliar territory for those of us just getting involved in it. And I think that reading and researching can help that alot.
God bless all who come here to share this!

[indychick01]

[color=indigo]I'm new here to...and I dont think you are horrible people. I'm a birth mom and an adoptee. And personally my opinion is the horrible adoptive parents are the ones who lie and tell the bparents they want and open relationship then when reality hits they can't uphold their end of the deal.
I'm in a semi open relationship with Tyler's afather. And sometimes I have to have the agency call and call to get them to send things (pics and letters) But they do eventually send them. I have talked to groups of prospective adoptive parents and I always tell them...be honest with your bmoms. If you can't do something then tell them you aren't comfortible. I think families get caught up in the excitement of finally having the child they've always wanted and they forget that while they have all their joy of a new baby there is someone on the other end crying their eyes out because they don't have the child they cared for, for 9 months. So if a potential bmom is wanting an open adoption and you can't give her that then don't agree to it.
Hope I have been of some help. I know this is posted a little late but I just got here and noticed your post. You can msg me anytime!