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Originally Posted By Tamara

Well I made the call, and well the way i understand it they dont really like the comunication we have now, she kinda jumped on me for calling, saying that i have their email addresses, so i guess my hopes and wants just sit there just as that, I am not sure if i am ok, i didnt even mention wanting to visit on a regular basis or anything, i mentioned us (Ned and I) driving to Seattle in June or July, and asked if we could meet, she was like well, even just her and I ya know oh well, i am going to close for now, i just hurt real bad so i am going to take a drive and scream alittle thanks for listening and thanks so much to everyone for your help threw this, this means alot, to know that i am not alone,

Tara, and Jenn thanks for the chat last night, it helped alot and yes i was honest :-) and did my best thanks again for last night

Hugs

Tamara

CaBnEyes

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Dear CaBnEyes, I am so sorry to hear how the phone call went. I truly wish more adoptive parents would not view their birthmothers as a threat. It is SO sad to see this happen, after all you trusted them enough to give them your baby. I just really can't imagine treating anyone like that. Hang in there, God will eventually bless you. Take care, Barbie

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Originally Posted By Tamara

barbie

  thanks :-) it means lot to know your there, i honestly think what hurts the most is when they said when i was in the hospital when ever you come up north feel free to stop by, and now its no, ya know, I can understand their need to bond and all of that, however its like well it has been a while, ya know i dont know i think right now i am being selfish, thanks again,

Hugs

Tam

caBnEyes

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Originally Posted By Courtney

Including myself I cannot count the times I've heard this happen and I cannot count the times the birth mothers have slinked away with tail bewtween leg, feeling selfish or un-worthy. It makes me want to scream! Of course, I'm speaking of my own self as well ... for ten years I've been slinking away! lol (Wait, that's not funny.)

Obviously Tam if you had their home phone number then this adoption was open. And clearly, they'd made some commitments that they weren't sure they would keep. But on the other hand ... it has been a while and maybe they have gotten comfortable with the current situation and have not thought about meeting or talking to you for a while. Regardless, these trite things don't matter. The rejected birth mother side of me would say to you, "They said you could stop by didn't they? Well, when do you plan on going girl? lol Nothing wrong with taking them up on their offer!"
Oh dear, my my my, and then there is the other side of my birth mother hood ... the side that has spent the last couple of years trying to understand adoptive parents! So that side of me would tell you, "The uncertainty they feel is overwhelming. She was probably in shock and didn't know how to re-act, only to protect and perserve. Her and her husband probably spent the entire night debating and talking and crying and wondering over why you wanted to visit, what it would be like, if they should, what you wanted, etc. They are probably just freaked out."

Yeah ... but she hurt you! Those words were harsh and cruel, and you'd only opened yourself up in vulnerability to them, wanting to talk, wanting to communicate and she completely slammed you!!! Is it fair? NO! SHould you be expected to just forget it and maybe, possibly, try again later? NO! Should you feel bad for wanting to visit? Should you feel selfish? NO! NO! NO! If in fact the agreement was that visitation would be possible and if in fact your adoption was created on the basis of openess ... THAT IS what YOU agreed to. Stick to your guns girl. There is nothing wrong with that. You just have to go about it in a responsable way, making sure to step lightly. But don't give up.

As far as emotionally, how this has hurt you ... it is really okay for you NOT to be okay right now. Allow yourself to feel these emotions - experience them. Take this time to understand yourself and why this has effected you the way it has and how if possible, you can take these negetive feelings and channel them positively. (Like getting to see your twins)

I'll stop there before I write what I really want to write in regards to what she did to you on the phone!
Grace and love Court ... grace and love .... whew.

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Originally Posted By MzPeanut

I am really sorry to hear about your situation, I have been on the other side myself, and that hurts too. We live in the same town as our daughter's birthmother,and originally thought her adoption would be open with alot of visits. ( we DO like and care about her birthfamily) BUT she ( the birthmother) has chosen to ask us for no further contact and visits, we were very hurt. To top it all off, the birthmother's parents ( who are rasing her other 3 children) and who have been in our home for many visits over the years, have recently decided to cut off contact too! Main reason they say is they never told the 3 older kids our daughter is their sister ( we were shocked, we thought they had from day one!) They said they "prefer" they think she is a cousin, we stand firm that our daughter know the TRUTH, so they have declined further visits, VERY hurtful, especially after we have built a bond & freindship with them. I guess my message is, do not feel alone, there are adoptive parents who really DO try to be the best for the shared child, but it is not always in our power either.
GOD BLESS YOU ! Prayers are sent out to you Tammara
MzPeanut

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Originally Posted By Courtney

Hi Peanut - so glad to have you hear, welcome! As I read your post I felt that perhaps you were feeling a little on the defensive side, and I just wanted to write and let you know that this is a special site ~ when we address an issue, or talk about something, please know we aren't attacking anything as a whole or even making any assuptions about an entire "group". In no way did I want to make you feel that you had to defend yourself as an adoptive mom or even to defend adoptive mothers in general. In Tam's case, we were discussing the reaction the amom of her daughter gave to her, and then I did make assumptions on what this specific amom might be feeling. I truly hope you know that this is a well bonded site!

I am also truly sorry for what the birthfamily has done to you and your family by withdrawing all contact. Just as much a shame as what is happening to Tam. It happens from both sides, some do and some don't. I think the flaw is in the very beginning when openess is discussed. It is discussed and agreed upon based on what each person is feeling in the "now" and not based on the long term ie; what issues might arise later or how one might feel later. WHen the time comes years later, and one or the other realizes that she or he is way in over their head or perhaps there are issues that were not addressed and that person does not have the tools to deal with them; the easiest thing to do is to cut things off and seperate. Not the solution of course ... but what we are seeing more and more of. The horrible lack of support offered to post adoption situations is truly in desperate need of re-evaluation.

Please feel free to come and discuss anything you are going through .. we're all here to learn and support.

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Originally Posted By Tamara

Courtney,

  thanks for your help, i have dont lots of reading talking and soul searching, and I think i am going to do everyting I can, they are 3 so if i do visit they are to young to under stand that I am the birthmother, I mean i am going to wait and then try again, and ask her if i can jsut be a friend for this visit, i doubt they will remember later in life, does this make sence, but I am going to let them take what i gave them and deal with it, she said no so fast with out hearing me out that perhaps the whole thought is scary, so I am going to wait a little while, I got the girls each an outfit and a little toy for their birthday, so I am gunna get that in the mail soon, I know she may not feel confortable with it however she is doing the minium acording to the preplacement agreement and that is what i am doing :-), does that make sence, I hope so, anyways thanks for listening and all your help, i am not going to run, is it kinda normal at first to feel rejected, like this terrible person, like you arent anything, does this make sence, these were the first thoughts i went threw as i drove to Mc Donalds, i dont think any of that now, i worked threw it. I think the first night and the next day i was kinda just thinking about my hurts, ya know, but i have had time to speak with a few adoptive moms, and read more, and now I am starting to see the other side of the coin, so like i said before, kick back a little bit and then attempt again and just try a different approch, :-) anyways thanks again talk to you soon

Hugs

Tam

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Originally Posted By tamara

Dear, I am sorry you are hurting as well. I know its hard, there was a time i wanted to just cut out of their lives and move on with mine, perhaps you should just let her birthparents know that you are there and the offer still stands and stay at arms reach, with my sons they know all about the girls and they even have pictures in their room of them. I think this whole thing is hard to a point we have all been threw alot to get to where we are and i am sure more tears will follow (for me) however what i tell my self and maybe you may want to think about, "I tried and did my best this time, I know what i did wrong and next time i will be more prepared" I hope this make sence, thanks for being there and sharing a bit of your story, I know that there is alot of Aparents who are willing to do visits, and there are those who arent conmfortable with it, and there are birth parents who want them and some who are trying to forget, i think that the there are a little on both sides who feel eather way, make sence, so my advice would be stay at arms reach she may need time, and she may be back, but reasure your self you are doing a good job :-)

Hugs

Tam

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Hi, I am an adoptive mom with openess to the extended family in our adoptions of special needs kids with involuntary relinquishments. We have had to work pretty hard at maintaining these relationships. Feelings get hurt and people feel frustrated but we just keep working at it. We had to change the amount of contact with birth grandma last year because it was hurting our family. She feels upset and hurt. Now we are mediating a new agreement that we will write down so as to avoid confusion. We are also doing the work of communicating why and what has been causing difficulty. She is expressing what she would like and we are trying to get to something that we all can live with. We are doing this for our kids. I have read that this kind of relationship is really an in-law situation. As we are bonded by their biological relationship with our legally adopted children. We cut them slack, forgive and keep trying and expect that they will do the same for us. We have to keep talking and over time have developed a type of relationship that will endure no matter what. Good luck and keep trying.

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that writing was the most easily accepted form of contact at first, then phone calls and finally visits. Some other of our open relationships have never gotten beyond writing as bmom doesn't live anywhere long enough to have a phone. This type of progression works in my case because it builds trust. In my mind I think, "Here is someone who cares enough to put the effort into writing. Here is someone who is stable and responsible enough to have a phone and a phone #. Here is someone who has lots to offer our kids let's get together." Hope this helps.

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Originally Posted By Tamara

Courtney

   that is true, i think there is like any other situation the good and the not so good when it comes to this (I am not saying nothing about anyone here, or anything bad like that please know that) but does that make sence, we and there are times we speak with out really thinking about it, ya know. I have come to totally respect all sides of adoption. the ones that are really open and the ones with no openess at all, each person has made their choice and are coping the way they know how I hope this makes sence, :-) i kinda feel like i am babbling, however I think each adoption is unique and we should remember that, and just take one day at a time, and rememeber not to generalize, altho i think when we are upset we tend to, but once is calm again I know i can begin to see the difference and take each step and know that each PERSON is different regardless of their possision :-)

thanks for listeing and pointing that out courtney

Hugs and Luv

Tam