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Ok I am a birthmother to a set of twin that turn 3 today, in the past we exchanged pictures every now and then and letters or emails once in a while, however now that my life is together and I know what is going on in my future (ok for the most part), also i have been reading about adpotees and what they go threw when they grow up, and the questions that they ask and stuff like that, so i talked to my theripist about this and she suggested that i contact the Aparents and see if we can set up a visit, and possably a regular scedual like every 6 months or so, so the girls will know that i do love them and that when i placed them i was having a real hard time and i felt that this was what was best for them, so now the question as Aparents do you think this is a good idea, and how should i approch this, threw a letter a phone call, or in person, its a 6 hour drive, but maybe if i stop by on my way to seattle in May to talk to her. i hope this is making sence, :-) any help and/or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Hugs

Tamara

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Originally Posted By Courtney

Dear Tam ~
I just love your "okay's" ... I could just hear your talking through your post! First of all I have to say, "KUDO'S GIRL!" for being strong enough to be in therapy. Believe it or not, not many birth mothers go to therapy or see a counselor after the initial six months. (In fact, I never had therapy and have just as of recently started going for the first time!) many of us feel like if we can't deal with the pain, we're weak. And many of us also deny that the pain still exists. So, on that note .... WAY TO BE AN EXAMPLE!

As far as your questions and concerns about possibly opening up your adoption a little more; Because you are being responsable for your own self, and are not thinking of taking this action due to pain or trauma but rather for the sake of your twins ... GO FOR IT. This could result in a very healthy outcome for everyone. My only suggestion is that you first speak with the agency you went through, if you used one, or the attorney if an agency was not used. First find a mediator. You do not want to put yourself in an un-safe situation that might cause you pain. Also, and this is just my own thoughts and not advice or wisdom in any way; the aparents might be thrown a bit or put into defense or shock if all of a sudden you show up or write a letter. For you, this has been long in thought, you've had time to think it over and discuss it with others. You've been preparing yourself for the possibility of meeting with your children. For the adoptive parents, they have no idea right now of any of this. So it would be like throwing them a curve ball in the middle of a soccer game. Not that they won't put the soccer ball down and go get a glove ... but for a while there they'll stand on the field and go, "What the?" lol

So if I were in your shoes (again, this is just food for thought, don't take this as sound secure advice) I would contact a mediator and take things slowly at first. The key would possibly be making sure your reasons and explanations get across correctly and fully. Fear and misconception are terible enemies to fight. Please keep us informed as to what you do and how things are going okay? This is wonderful, and I know that many of us here would learn a great deal from what you are going through if you would be willing to share it!

You GO Girl! Okay?
Courtney

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Courtney,

   Well today has been ok, i have been cleaning to keep me busy :-) and went shopping, I called the facalator (sp?) today as you suggested, and she thought that it would be a good idea for her to call them to kinda let them know i want to call, (that is all i told her to start with she just didnt seem to supportive and was really short which hurt but i tried not to let it get to me) anyways she called them and she just called me back saying that they have plans for the evening so to call tomorrow night about 8, so that is the plan for now, i kinda think perhaps to talk on the phone a couple of times then suggest a visit ya know, (Good Idea?) so that is where that stand, I will let you know how it goes :-).

  As far as theripy goes, well the main reason i am going is because of alot of abuse (which has ended) to recover from it all, and a about a month ago ago we did a loss chart and the adoption came up, so for the last few visits we have been working on this. ;-) but i am working on it, also writing a book about it, its hard as you know and as the days go by i am doing ok with it all, :-) my whole (long) story can be found at http://expage.com/page/abirthmom3 i havent worked on it in ages tho, I may tonight but then again its ok if i dont ya know :-) if you have any (deeper) questions feel free to write me at cabrowneyes75@earthlink.net

Hugs

Tamara

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Hi Tamara and welcome to the board!!

So sorry it's taken me this long to reply. I wanted to the second I read you post the 1st day, but I was at work and wasn't able to post just then.

Mt name is Michelle and I'm a future adoptive mom. We've completed our home study and are just waiting for our agency to match us to a potential birthmom. Even though I'm net yet an actual adoptive mom, I'd like to put my 2 cents in on this.

It sounds like you've had some openess in the past, so contact with them itself will not be new to them. This is great! If I were in their shoes I would welcome more contact!! But Courtney has a great idea about using an intermediary to help start things. And it sounds like you did just that. :-) Good job!! As long as you are honest and up front with them and are open to their feelings (which it sure sounds like you are) then hopefully things will change for the better for everyone.

Congratulations on the accomplishments that you've made toward a better life, Sweetie, and I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Love & Prayers, Michelle

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Originally Posted By Tamara

Michelle,

   thanks and Good luck, well i was suppose to call them tonight at 8 when I told the facilator sure I spoke with out actually thinking about prior obligations with my older sons, we are going to a baseball game and fireworks I called and spoke with their father, and explained and asked if it would bother them if i rescedualed and he said no not a problem, he kinda sounded weired but I started to think hey we had an appt to talk and I called early, then he was ok after a minute, and said okey ill talk to you in Wed then, since i am in school on mon tues and thurday nights, I have been reading the sites for adoptive parents as well as adoptees, and trying to get a feel of what the other two sides are feeling and thinking, and the actuall possibility of this happening, then i sit here thinking, that they DID say when ever i plan on being up north let them know and we can meet ya know, sooo i am trying to just be casual right now and its hard but hey its ok :-) thanks again, and i wish you the best of luck, i will keep you posted,

Hugs

Tam

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Originally Posted By Courtney

Wow! I am so impressed with your ability to both endure as well as to tenaciously go forth! What a gift. (I'm reading again the book, "My Utmost for My Highest," and on the chapter about Spiritual tenacity! lol)

What most here know about me, is that I am also a survivor of sexual abuse and trauma. I am very involved with an on-line abuse ministry as well as other active ministries here in Colorado. I too, just began my therapy, for abuse. Of course one of the "issues" stemming from early childhood abuse is the relinquishment of my son, among a miriad of other things. I want to thank you for being so openly honest about your journey and yourself here ... how validating and comforting it is to know that wherever you go there are others walking similar paths as you. It continues to amaze me how in the body of Christ, each of us are necessary parts. Each one validated, loved, needed, and appreciated. Even here, on this adoption site ... non-adoption related issues are welcomed and honored. Adoption is one great part of our lives as we gather here for information and support, but we are also very real people with history's and lives that that branch far beyond our current circumstances.

To know also that you are not negating your experiences, but rather channeling them into a positive outlet is encouraging and inspiring. A true victory of tenacity! lol (there it is again!)

With love,
Courtney

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Originally Posted By Brenda Romanchik

by Patricia Dorner.It has a lot of great info in it on how to respectfully open things up to increase your chances of succeding. I think it is a great idea.

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Originally Posted By Tam

Brenda,

   Thanks :-) I will look for the book, thanks for your help with this,

Tamara

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http://store.yahoo.com/adopt/howtoopad.html

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Originally Posted By Brenda Romanchik

my own, www.r2press.com

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Originally Posted By Toni

     Thank you so much for opening up and sharing your story. It really meant a lot to me. Your love for your children really comes through as well as the care you have for the adoptive parents. From the story, they really seem to care about you and your wishes. I am glad you are reaching out to talk to them. I look forward to hearing an update on your situation and will be praying for you and your children.

        &n bsp;       &nbs p;              Toni

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Originally Posted By Tamara

Toni,

   Your welcome I am glad to share my experiences threw this :-), I love the girls parent so very much, and yes they just hurt me but i realize that there is alot of things that may be an issue so i am jsut relaxing and waiting a little while, perhaps i took her by suprize ya know, Im not sure about it, but i do know that i an not giving up, i may lay low for a little bit however i think baby steps andgoing threw this all slowly we just may get results that we both can find exceptable, :-) we will see, thanks for your support and prayers :-)

Hugs Tamara

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Originally Posted By Toni

      that you aren't giving up! Can you get a mediator involved? I don't know what the aparents are thinking, maybe it did scare them to have things change. I think you are doing great by not giving up and just taking it slower. I feel that once they get use to the idea they will welcome you more into their lives. You are such a loving, caring person. Follow your heart and pray for guidance.

        &n bsp;       &nbs p;           Toni